Sweet 16

Hi team! Good hell, it's been a minute! I'm sitting in my bed on my adorable new MacBook Air getting ready for my last first day of school. Although getting here has been quite the struggle and I would rather get my teeth pulled than wake up for class tomorrow at 7AM, I am excited to be going back for my very last semester of my Undergraduate degree!

I know it's sort of (10 days) late for a Happy New Year Here Are Some Resolutions post, but my blog my rules, yeah? I've been sick the past few days leading up to my last semester and watching Django Unchained 8 times to make myself feel better. But this year I truly mean to make a new me. Maybe that's not exactly true. I lost myself a lot in 2015, whether by my own choice or by letting horrid people steal me away. But I am back with a vengeance. And I have some resolutions, damn it. And I'm putting them here so I feel that odd sense of ~requirement~ that sharing things with internet friends makes you feel.

• Read 45 books.
• I've met every single reading goal I have set in the past 4 years and I have no plans to stop that now. I am up from last year but down from the dream goal of 50, to allow time for school to take over my life. 
• Write a blog post at least once a week.
• Duh. I promise to be better. More poetry, more thoughts, more flash fiction. More writing, more me.
• Continue with my daily writing exercises.
• I got a beautiful new journal from my best friend Niki this Christmas and every day this year I have written a ten line poem as an exercise to stretch and continue my writing. Hopefully some will be decent enough to share here but I'm just glad to be writing continually again.
• Read every book assigned to me in my last semester.
• Easier said than done. We'll see. But I gotta make those student loans worth it.
• Finish at least the first round of edits on my novel.
• I finished my first draft of my first novel this last August and I intend to have my first round of edits done as soon as I graduate. That's step one to my big published dreams. Let's get it done.
• Take more time for my own mental health and stop letting people who hurt my brain in my life.
• Again, duh.

And there is my 2016! Life has been a disaster lately but it is slowing getting better and better. I can't wait to reconnect with all of you and watch your lives blossom too. Here's to Sweet (20)16!

while I was away

Hello, my lovelies. I haven't been on here as often lately but I promise there is a very good reason for that. Here, let me show you.

I finally finished my novel. Longtime readers of this blog will know that I've been working on this bad boy since November 2013 when I challenged myself to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I won, writing 50,000 words that month. Finishing the rest was hard with school and now with my new big and important full time job (#adult) but I did it. On August 10, 2015 at 1:39AM I wrote the end. 86,729 words, 265 pages, and all of my heart. 

Thank you for reading my blog and my writing, for sticking around and letting me read your words too, and thank you for the endless support. All my love. 

all we can do is keep breathing

There are some words that just sound exactly like what they are. They taste like how they feel when they play across your teeth. Bite. Love. Choke. Breathe.

Breathe.

I'm the world record champion for holding my breath. I held my breath once for twenty minutes. Then I held it for five months. Then I held it for one year.

The ghosts stole my breath and replaced it with shattered glass that got caught in my lungs until I was exhaling blood where the carbon dioxide should be. Then I coughed out all the glass and picked up a pocket of air that was hiding at the back of my closet. I swaddled it like a baby and kissed its forehead. As I did, the breath found its way back in.

My eyeliner wings were blacker and longer and the breath had a faint air of raspberries and happiness as it caressed the world around it.

via *

10.30.14

Feeling your mind expand and be molded feels exactly like speeding on an empty city road at midnight. That sense of wild freedom in a place that is usually so full. That feeling of recklessness, that wild and climbing sensation as you pull forward ever faster and faster, screaming with your car, hurtling at 90 miles an hour to a new destination.

It is so scary to grow and learn from people. But connection is such an intense craving in the marrow of our very human bones. Opening yourself, handling your heart to someone and hoping they will cradle it and not stomp it into the floorboards takes so much strength. But God, what a sensation and what a miracle when you finally do it.

I've always wanted to be close to my sister. I've wanted to be a person who could be having a hard day and immediately think to call her on the phone and complain and cry with her. The kicker is, we are ten years apart and so so different. She's medical, I'm English lit. She's Christian, I'm... other. She's so similar to me that I think I've been inventing differences this whole time in hopes that I would stop feeling guilty and disappointed when we weren't best friends when she came to visit from Texas.

But tonight for the first time we opened up to each other and I finally got to say some of the things I've been burying for so so long. I have had no one to tell these words to and it all came spilling out and finally, finally, after years and years I heard the one phrase I have needed from someone in my family. She's proud of me. She is with me. She sees me. And I am so grateful.

liebster round 2

You beautiful souls are far too kind to me. I've been nominated for a Liebster award again! Twice! One of the nominations was a little bit ago and I'm horrible and never did it. I'm so sorry Erin! Here are the answers.

I was nominated by Erin from Take Comfort Project and also by Rachel from Deleting the Adjectives. And here is a link to my first Liebster

Since I've done this award once before, I'll forgo listing facts about me and get right into answering the questions from these beautiful ladies.

Erin's Questions-

1. What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
I hardly ever eat breakfast but when I do, I love breakfast sandwiches. Gimme a bagel with some eggs, cheese, and bacon and I'm a happy girl. Also yogurt and granola. Just. I love food.

2. What's your favorite hot beverage?
Venti Chai with three pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup. Tastes like Thanksgiving night with family surrounding you. Tasty and comforting. Starbucks. Gettin it.

3. What's your favorite animal?
I love my dogs beyond words. But also dolphins, seals, otters. Sea life. One time when I was five I went to the aquarium in Alaska and a seal came up to the glass I was staring into and put it's flipper against my hand and just sort of stared at me for a few minutes before swimming away. I feel connected to the sea.

4. Tell me about the first place to visit in the state you live in?
When you come to Utah, the first place I'd probably take you would be a drive up Ogden Canyon. We have wonderful canyons up here and getting lost in them is my favorite thing. I love SLC and I adore my city but let me take you in my car with the windows down. Welcome.

5. What is one of your favorite movies?
Oh my god so many. Right now, I've found myself watching Midnight in Paris about once a week. Y'all know my feelings about Fitzgerald. But I feel like I've been misplaced through time. I belong in the expatriate lost generation. This movie is the closest I will get.

6. What is one of your big life goals?
Living in the UK. Being successful writing and working for a theater company in the UK. Surrounded by accents. Mmmm.

7. How many countries have you been to?
Not a lot yet :( I've been to Canada, which was gorgeous. And the great USA!

8. Do you like the beach or mountains more?
UGH Can't I have both? I want Seattle with rocky shores and miles of canyon to drive through. I live in the mountains so I see them all the time. I love them to bits but I'm missing the beach. It's been far too long since I've been.

9. How many siblings do you have?
Ma sister Leah. She is 31 and lives in Texas. She's a jerk and I love her. I have a smattering of step siblings too.

10. Describe your personal style in three words.
Moody, eclectic, feminine.

11. Tell me some of your favorite song lyrics.
THIS question is phenomenal. Lyrics can say so much can't they? Oof ok. I'll pick a current three.

1. When you talk it's like a movie and  you're making me crazy/ cause life imitates art./ If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?/ You tell me life isn't that hard. - Lana del Rey, Gods and Monsters

2. When our lives are over and all that remains/ are our skulls and bones let's take it too the grave/ And hold me in your arms, hold me in your arms/ I'll be buried there with you./ And I'll hold in these hands, all that remains. - Bastille, Skulls (Just this entire song.)

3. And I'll never go home again/ (place the call, feel it start)/ favorite friend/ (And nothing's wrong but nothings true)/ I live in a hologram with you/ Where all the things that we do for fun/ (And I'll breathe and it goes)/ Play along/ (Make believe it's hyper real)/ But I live in a hologram with you. - Lorde, Buzzcut Season

YAY! Now for Rachel's questions!

1. Let's hear your elevator pitch. Who are you and what do you blog about?
Hi I'm Emma Jane and I write a lot. I share a lot of personal stories. I love poetry and pretty words. I always strive for honesty and I'd like to think that I always remain brutally honest. The best blog comment I've received about my writing was "There is something almost uncomfortable about reading these things of yours- as if I've stumbled upon a private journal but can't stop reading. In a good way. I mean that in a really good way." I like that. I want it to be private and revealing and moving and me.

2. What inspires you?
People, pain, art. A lot. Those three are big. My interactions with other people.

3. Where are you from and what are your favorite things about that place? 
I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah and I adore it. I love the mountains, I love feeling them around me on all sides. It makes me feel protected. I love the streets in this city. I love that it feels like a big city but it is so manageable. It's not sprawling like New York, but it's big enough to explore and play in. We have good bars and a great indie theater and bookstore scene. And some great curry and coffee shops. I love SLC.

4. What is your biggest indulgence?
Fooooood. And people. Males. Of the seven deadly sins, mine is lust.

5. What are your thoughts on soul mates?
I think it's a wonderful opportunity for word play. Soul vs. sole mates. Do I believe in a one true love? Yes. Do I think they necessarily match up with each other at all times? Not at all. I believe that someone could be YOUR true love but it doesn't mean you are theirs. But love is so consuming. People who care can make it work if they try hard enough and want it. But also. Sometimes it dies. I have a lot of thoughts on this.

6. What music do you have on repeat lately?
Bastille Bastille Bastille. For months. Flawless. Flawless Flawless.

7. Do you believe time travel is possible? If so, where would you go?
Well I believe in books so that is technically time travel. I would go to 1920s France and write. ALSO I gotta pop by Tudor England and chill with Anne Boleyn.

8. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement thus far?
Everything I've ever written and seen a response to. I've been so lucky to have my writing so well received and supported. I've tried to always write something I will be proud of and I'm proud of everything. I work hard damn it! I consider that an achievement.

9. Who or what will you be in your next lifetime?
A ballet dancer, please.

10. What blogs do you recommend? 
See my left sidebar. I love love love all of those and I cannot speak highly enough of those girls or their words.

11. Where are you going?
Everywhere.

tag, you're it!

Beautiful Lacey tagged me to do a fun sort of getting to know you tag. I feel as though it's been a little while since I've "introduced myself" to all of you so now feels like a wonderful time to tell you a bit more about the girl behind the words. Let's do this.

1. What's your motto?

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I like the idea of being vital. Being able to carry on through whatever struggle you are facing, not just leaving everything behind and not learning from it. Starting over, getting a blank slate, and facing it like a hero. That's vitality.

2. What's the first memory you remember having?

Oooh this is a good one. I remember taking a bunch of styrofoam hunks from out of a package my parents got and making them into movie theater seats. I sat all of my stuffed animals in the seats, shined my nightlight at my TV screen, and had a private showing of the movie Titanic. Pretty ingenious to make a movie theater in my bedroom, complete with projection light. Genius little girl. Titanic is the first movie I remember watching when I was around three. You can say me and Leo have been meant to be since the very first day.

3. Is there a word you seem to say a lot?

Literally. Nope. (Let's be realistic. My most used word is for sure Bitch. I am Jesse Pinkman.)

4. If you could live anywhere, where would you choose?

Anywhere in England. But also Seattle. Anywhere rainy and lovely and inspiring with beautiful bearded men.

5. What's your favorite indulgence? 

Oh there are so many different kinds! Netflix marathons, buying a stack of new books, chocolate covered strawberries. There is a chocolate factory about a block from my house and I went last night to get some chocolate berries. Guess what they told me? Saturday night. 50% off chocolate strawberries. This is dangerous knowledge.

6. What's a song you have repeatedly stuck in your head? 

Lately? What Would You Do by Bastille. He is everything and more. I cannot with him.

7. Think of something soft? What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

My baby blankets. Step off. I'm 22 and I still sleep with them every night. Like a straight playa.

8. When you were a kid who did you look up to and why?

Always my teachers. I thought they were so astounding and did so much. My home life was constantly full of shocks and surprises but when I came to school my teachers were able to wrangle all of these kids with what looked like ease. And they always loved me and supported me. I have always had the best teachers.

9. If you could communicate with any animal, which would you choose?

You know, I was going to say my dogs but then I realize nope. They've seen some things that I don't want to hear about from their perspective. They know a little too much about me. So I'm gonna go with birds. I want to hear about places I've never seen and views I'll never have.

10. What do you like to do on rainy days?

Nap with the windows open so I can feel the freezing breeze while I'm in bed. Then I'll wake up slowly and pick up a book and lose myself completely. Also... if a pretty bearded boy wanted to show up with Curry for two... I wouldn't be mad.

11. What do you hope to achieve this year?

I want to live and write and think for myself and no one else. I don't want to make any solid goals that can be measured, like finishing any big projects. I will know if I've written for myself and lived for myself. And by God I will.

I loved this tag. I tag Shelby and D for this tag! And also anyone else who wants to participate!