I miss you all so much. It's been busy and bruising but I'm still here. I'm very happy with work, although being in a theater for 14 hours a day moving set isn't as fun as it sounds (does it sound fun?)
I've made wonderful friends and I'm always surrounded by so much glowing, booming life. I love the collaboration of theater and the life these people bring. They truly make the walls hum with life. They have the rhythm of life in their hearts.
It's odd to feel lonely among that. Loneliness is an interesting feeling, isn't it? Because sometimes it's just one different kind of loneliness out of the one million different kinds of loneliness.
I have the rest of stage crew with me, but I feel lonely when the entire cast is laughing together. I'm fully content at being alone but watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning and watching those people fall in love makes me ache for that kind of real love. I want to kiss someone softly every morning, as if it were a habit, something I get to do every single day. I want to hear his voice behind me telling me everything will be ok and know he's right because he loves me and that's all I need anyway.
I am truly so happy for everyone who has found their bliss.
I am truly so sad for everyone who feels lonely or unheard.
I am so sad for everyone who will die alone.
I am so sad for everyone who can't remember the last kiss they shared with the one they love and will never feel those lips again.
I am so sad for everyone who has decided that hatred is the most viable coping mechanism for sorrow or pain.
But I am so happy I have all of you. I'm sorry I've been gone, but I will be back soon.
Showing posts with label Lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lonely. Show all posts
but a word is a bottomless pit
Monday, March 24
Everything evaporates slowly in an unseasonably warm spring. Firetrucks aren't as red as they once were. Pain isn't nearly as incapsulating in the physical realm. But the pain of the tattoo gun pressing against your cerebellum is what traps you and makes you scream. They'll all leave eventually. They'll leave and you'll be stuck here, glowing finally but glowing alone. You're a neon sign with one letter flashing in helpless murder of a perfect word. Closed becomes close. Close becomes lose. It's all breaking apart just as it's coming together. Syntax and diction are crawling under your nailbeds and what are you doing instead? You nap and you cry, you drink and you fuck. You scream, you laugh, you finally leave your bed just as everyone else heads home. He was British and he wanted you. He was British and you left him standing on a street corner with your dreams clawing at his belt buckle. Home alone on the kitchen floor, that small ice cream drip from last week is sitting right beneath your cheek but you're too drunk to care. This warm spring took all of the fight right out of you. What's left? That lonely drip of ice cream on the unwashed kitchen floor. That smell of him dusted on your clothes. The bloody hope that all this isn't for nothing.
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Hump Day Jams
Wednesday, August 14
Have you listened to The Civil Wars new album yet? It is all I have listened to this week and I am in love. I am obsessed. It rings in my soul and it is perfection. Her voice is so unique and so beautiful. It's so hauntingly, stingingly, bitterly sweet. The harmonies they have together are so pure and easy. They sound like they are floating on air.
My friend Niki was talking with me about them and she said this ruby of a thought. "They sing life. They just sound like life." And they do. I love them.
My favorite song on the album is called Dust to Dust. I can't. Take a listen, beautiful world.
Also that album cover? Can they stop being so perfect? And these lyrics.
My friend Niki was talking with me about them and she said this ruby of a thought. "They sing life. They just sound like life." And they do. I love them.
My favorite song on the album is called Dust to Dust. I can't. Take a listen, beautiful world.
It's not your eyes,
It's not what you say,
It's not your laughter
That gives you away.
You're just lonely
You've been lonely
too long.
Oh, you're acting your thin disguise
All your perfectly delivered lines
They don't fool me
You've been lonely
too long.
Let me in the wall
you've built around
We can light a match
and burn them down.
Let me hold your hand
and dance round and round the flames
in front of us.
Dust to dust.
You've held your head up
You've fought the fight
You bear the scars
You've done your time.
Listen to me,
You've been lonely
too long.
Let me in the wall
you've built around
We can light a match
and burn them down.
Let me hold your hand
and dance round and round the flames
in front of us.
Dust to dust.
You're like a mirror, reflecting me.
Takes one to know one, take it from me.
You've been lonely,
You've been lonely, too long.
We've been lonely
We've been lonely, too long.
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| via Tumblr |
Impulse
Sunday, June 30
A few weeks ago I read an amazing book by Ellen Hopkins, a long time favorite author, called Impulse. You can read the review I wrote for that book here. (Also... take a peek at the comment section. Yeah. THE AUTHOR COMMENTED WHAT IS MY LIFE!?)
This book is about three teenagers who end up in a medical rehabilitation center after each trying to end their lives. All three characters struck me deep in my heart. They were so hurt and they all felt so alone. I loved each of them but today I was reminded of Vanessa.
In the book Vanessa tries to slit her wrists. Luckily her brother finds her and she is rushed to the hospital just in time. She's been a cutter for some time and it is hard for her to shake that impulse to feel the blade ease her skin apart even in the rehab center. She even goes to such extremes as to hide a paper clip in her room to prick herself with if she needs. It made me so sad that she felt so alone and that there was no other option than to let her troubles bleed through her skin.
One of my favorite parts of working in the cafe at Barnes and Noble is the opportunity to develop relationships with some of the regular customers. They are so nice and they remember me from when I was 16 and working there. They get the same drinks every week, they are so sweet and polite, and they also tip pretty well usually.
There has been one couple that has been every Sunday for the past few months. The boy is a huge teddy bear with a kind scruffy face and big open arms and an even bigger smile. His girlfriend is gorgeous. She looks like a gothic snow white. Her face is a cameo pin framed by her onyx hair and apple red lips. Her skin is perfect like porcelain and her style is flawless. She always rocks a stunning black sun dress, a different dress each week - each one better than the last. She wears shoes Lady Gaga would be jealous of- high black boots with studded heels and killer height. She has the deathly hallows tattoo on her arm and wears Bellatrix Lestrange's animal skull pendant around her neck. She's amazing. I wish she was my friend. She also has amazing taste in books. She's always reading a superb novel each Sunday, different each week as well.
They are an odd pair, the two of them. But you can see how much love constantly passes between them. He's her protector and she keeps his life vibrant and forever changing. I love them. Guys. I want to date this couple. They seem so happy every time they come in. They chat with us and always leave a clean table.
Then a few weeks ago, Snow White wasn't wearing her jacket. The white skin across her arms was covered in red exclamation points and angry red raised mountains. They cascaded across her forearms and up to the top of her cap sleeves. I was amazed she would even let them show since there were so many. I was shocked someone as kind has her was hiding a secret like this. Many of them had faded a bit but the cuts were deep; these scars would last her a lifetime.
I hid that I was looking at her arms and made them their drinks and took them out to the two of them as they sat holding hands and reading. She looked up at me and smiled a closed mouth, but no less warm and open smile. "Thank you so much," she whispered. I smiled back and left them to their Sunday date at the bookstore.
It broke my heart that a girl that sweet and lovely was ever in a place in her life that she felt so alone and so in pain. It's clear from the scars that she's lived with pain for quite some time and is just now getting better. I am so sad that she ever felt the need to call on a blade to be her only sense of relief and comfort. She's such a beautiful woman, just like Vanessa in the book. No one deserves to feel that amount of pain alone. No one deserves to feel alone period.
Even through how sad I felt for her past, I smiled for her future. The fact that she isn't hiding her arms means she is a fighter. She is healing. She knows she is loved and she loves deeply. You can see it in her eyes. She has seen Hell and she has returned from that visit a stronger person. She's a warrior and a saint. It made me love her big scruffy boyfriend even more. He cares so much for her. I can't help but imagine him holding her when the nights get long and hard and the metal starts humming in her heart again. He will cradle her and absorb her tears and she will do the same for him. Love is so beautiful and so cathardic. I'm so glad they have each other.
It still breaks my heart to know that not all of the people who struggle like Snow White are able to heal the way she has. I hate that there are still people who feel like they have to face this life alone with nothing but a razor at their side. I am so sorry if anyone reading this feels this way. There are people in your life who love you and even when life seems unbearably hard, the sun will rise in the morning. The long nights will pass, even if it takes years. The bully's will leave and you will be left standing strong.
Please reach out if you ever feel alone. There are people who will listen, I promise you. Never feel so alone that you feel like you can't come back from it. Fight that impulse to punish yourself and instead use your arms to embrace each other, not to harm yourself.
Stay lovely, everyone. You are loved. You are all loved.
This book is about three teenagers who end up in a medical rehabilitation center after each trying to end their lives. All three characters struck me deep in my heart. They were so hurt and they all felt so alone. I loved each of them but today I was reminded of Vanessa.
In the book Vanessa tries to slit her wrists. Luckily her brother finds her and she is rushed to the hospital just in time. She's been a cutter for some time and it is hard for her to shake that impulse to feel the blade ease her skin apart even in the rehab center. She even goes to such extremes as to hide a paper clip in her room to prick herself with if she needs. It made me so sad that she felt so alone and that there was no other option than to let her troubles bleed through her skin.
One of my favorite parts of working in the cafe at Barnes and Noble is the opportunity to develop relationships with some of the regular customers. They are so nice and they remember me from when I was 16 and working there. They get the same drinks every week, they are so sweet and polite, and they also tip pretty well usually.
There has been one couple that has been every Sunday for the past few months. The boy is a huge teddy bear with a kind scruffy face and big open arms and an even bigger smile. His girlfriend is gorgeous. She looks like a gothic snow white. Her face is a cameo pin framed by her onyx hair and apple red lips. Her skin is perfect like porcelain and her style is flawless. She always rocks a stunning black sun dress, a different dress each week - each one better than the last. She wears shoes Lady Gaga would be jealous of- high black boots with studded heels and killer height. She has the deathly hallows tattoo on her arm and wears Bellatrix Lestrange's animal skull pendant around her neck. She's amazing. I wish she was my friend. She also has amazing taste in books. She's always reading a superb novel each Sunday, different each week as well.
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| Image via Flickr |
Then a few weeks ago, Snow White wasn't wearing her jacket. The white skin across her arms was covered in red exclamation points and angry red raised mountains. They cascaded across her forearms and up to the top of her cap sleeves. I was amazed she would even let them show since there were so many. I was shocked someone as kind has her was hiding a secret like this. Many of them had faded a bit but the cuts were deep; these scars would last her a lifetime.
I hid that I was looking at her arms and made them their drinks and took them out to the two of them as they sat holding hands and reading. She looked up at me and smiled a closed mouth, but no less warm and open smile. "Thank you so much," she whispered. I smiled back and left them to their Sunday date at the bookstore.
It broke my heart that a girl that sweet and lovely was ever in a place in her life that she felt so alone and so in pain. It's clear from the scars that she's lived with pain for quite some time and is just now getting better. I am so sad that she ever felt the need to call on a blade to be her only sense of relief and comfort. She's such a beautiful woman, just like Vanessa in the book. No one deserves to feel that amount of pain alone. No one deserves to feel alone period.
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| Image via Tumblr |
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| Image via Tumblr |
Please reach out if you ever feel alone. There are people who will listen, I promise you. Never feel so alone that you feel like you can't come back from it. Fight that impulse to punish yourself and instead use your arms to embrace each other, not to harm yourself.
Stay lovely, everyone. You are loved. You are all loved.
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| Image via Tumblr |
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