a fictionalization of complete nonfiction.

I'm not saying it's as bad as it could be. I'm not even saying it's bad. It's just that I know they are talking about it and I know they see how different I am. As much as they say it doesn't matter to them, I know it does. I'm the odd man out. I'm the one who isn't rushing marriage, the one who doesn't want children. The one who believes in a good time.

There are only so many times humor can happen at the expense of another person. There are only so many times I'll laugh with you when you are laughing at me and judging me in my attempt to play it off before I snap. I'm the moody girl in the basement, you're the celestial trio. Believe me, I get it. I'll be burning in hell with the alcohol and the swear words and the bass lines that read to you like crack cocaine in a bathroom stall. Bring on the burn if it means I get to feel joy in life now. At least I won't be bored.

Keep your eye rolls to yourself and I'll keep my suspicions and anxieties buried. I love who I am. I do. It only gets hard to love who I am when you shove it back in my face against me. That's when I question myself. That's when my nail beds itch and my pores crack open. I try my hardest not to judge you. Allow me the same courtesy.

via *

Bioburden

So I was reading in my dental assisting textbook last week, finishing up the last of the book work I'll have to deal with for a while. I was reading about different infection control guidelines and this word popped out at me.

Bioburden.

I loved this word. (Not so much what it described. Which is the amount of bacteria on the surface of an object that has not been sterilized. Or inside the surface of the water tubes filling dental supply systems with water. Yum.)

I did love how I saw this word though. Bio. Life. Burden. Things that make life hard and unbearable at times. Like the bacteria that line the surfaces of unsanitized objects, I feel like we are always constantly full of bioburden that infect us. They crawl inside of our minds and break us down if they aren't sanitized away. They make us sick. They make us give up and stay in bed all day. They make us lose faith in ourselves. They make us negative and mean. They make us weak.

They. Kill. Us.

It has been an awful few days. I try so so so hard to cling to positivity but it seems like whenever I try to reach up and feel a few rays of sunlight I'm shoved back down into the ground even harder. I start feeling great, I stop coughing, my sinuses clear up, I am living my healthy life. BAM. Bioburden piles up in my veins and I get sick again. And I'm tired of it. It's killing me.

Let's unburden ourselves. Let's wash away all of the crap that ruins our lives. Let's have a bioburden baptism and wash away the muck that's clogging our brains and making us weak and unhappy.

My burdens:

• I miss my best friends. Shelby and Garrett are on their 18 month faith journeys and they are loving it. I am so so proud of them and I know they are having a killer time. (killer time. Is it appropriate to call missions killer...? Um.. they are having an... edifying experience?) And as much as I love their letters, I wish they were here with me. Nobody talks with me like them. I never once feel judged, used, misunderstood, or ignored. They care so much for me and I wish they were here to talk to. 
• I wish people didn't feel the need to violently move on from different times in their lives. I have a friend who is getting ready for a big move in her life. We are all so happy for her. But she's treating a lot of her old friends like we now mean nothing because she has new friends. I wish she still loved us like we love her. I wish that our friendship was enough.
• I feel very insecure lately. Who knows what's causing it but it sure doesn't help to find out that someone who I thought was so close to me and cared for me so much has been saying very negative things about my appearance. Friends. Guys. Friends don't do this to friends. I don't care if you are jealous or whatever your reasoning is. Friends have each other's back and we don't say that other friends are ugly or fat or horrible style. It's not helping the self esteem that is already floundering get any stronger. So thanks.
• I feel like I'm disappointing people. I put so much pressure on myself all the time. I keep myself busy, I take on tons of extra projects, I work my ass off at work and at school. Spare time isn't even a thing anymore because I spend it working on my writing, reading books to review on my book blog, applying to school, studying. I don't let myself stop. But no matter how hard I work I feel like it's not enough because I'm working towards a goal nobody seems to understand or support. I wish more than anything that I liked science and had a passion for math. I wish I could be satisfied being a dental assistant for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong. I love dental assisting. I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME OR YOUR TIME DOING THIS. But it's not my dream. It kills me that it won't be enough for me. I am so sorry. I have to write. I have to learn more about my passion. It breaks my heart that I'm disappointing people and that they don't seem to understand why I can't just settle. I am truly sorry. I've tried. The choice is settle and be miserable, or live my dreams and excel. I am truly and terribly sorry. 
• I am sorry if anyone has the wrong impression of me. I don't like knowing that there are people out there who hate me, because I truly don't hate you. I'm sorry I'm opinionated. I try very had to present myself well but I am still young and I am learning too. I'm sorry if you feel the need to make those first judgments of me stick and not give me a second chance.  Or that you decide to believe those opinions and not get to know me. I think I'm pretty ok. Hate takes so much time. I'm sorry you feel like you have to hate me.
• I'm sorry if I have ever hurt you. It wasn't my intention.
• HUGE BURDEN SHOUT OUT TO MONEY

This was really whining but if I've learned anything in the past 21 years it's that most of the time, the only thing that makes me feel better is writing. I think it would help a lot of you too. It's a nice release to write down your burdens. What are some of your burdens? Maybe we can help each other.

This about sums it up.

First Comes Love

What an amazing gift of a week. I got to see a very dear friend on her wedding day, another friend spoke about faith, hope, and charity as she prepares for her 18 month trek of faith, and I spent some amazing and much needed quality time with my best friend.

But one of the most impactful moments this week was sitting with my best friends, looking FRESH TO DEATH, at Maddy's wedding.

Sorry we're so pretty

Watching their wedding video blew my mind. Seeing these two different people live their lives separately and then spontaneously come together just amazes me. To think that you can live your life and experience so many things, never knowing that one day someone will drift into your life and engross it so fully. It's so beautiful and so magical. It's sublime.

Like all girls, we admired the beautiful couple, shoved about 300 chocolate covered strawberries into our mouths, and began planning our own weddings. That's another thing I love about weddings. The spirit of love is contagious. Everyone is misty eyed watching this new couple starting their lives together, old couples rediscover their love in little stolen glances shared between themselves. RUB A DUB DUB I LOVE LOVE. 

As we stood watching Maddy's father-daughter dance, some movement off to my side caught my attention. I turned around and saw an elderly couple dancing together in the corner of the party. They weren't looking at us, they weren't looking anywhere but in each other's eyes. My heart flew when I saw them, imagining them on their wedding day, twirling around each other, their entire lives ahead of them. I turned back to see Maddy, now dancing slowly with her new husband, and couldn't help but cry. It was such a gorgeous night for a beautiful outdoor reception. Such a gorgeous night for love. TOO BAD for me, the only guy I was interested in was the DJ... who I noticed had a ring on his finger... stupid. I hope his wife realizes how hot he is. Cause dang. He was a gem. 

I've always had some mixed marriage feelings. My parents don't have the greatest track record for marriage. Not even a little. And as hard as it was growing around such trying circumstances and with such negativity and resistance thrown at me and the institution of marriage, I never gave up on love. There were two roads I could have taken. I could have let those negative feelings taken root inside of me like those negative people wanted them to, or I could have bounced back, more dedicated and believing in love than before. 

Image via Wordpress

I chose the second road. I am such a strong believer in love. I believe in true love. I believe in a love that is all consuming and powerful and patient. I believe in a love worth waiting for. I believe in fun and play. I believe in romance and lust. I love love. And no matter how many horrible relationships I go through, how many times my heart gets broken, how many hearts I somehow manage to break, I will always keep looking for love and believing in love. Hoping for it and celebrating it when I find it, even if I only find it for a short time. 

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my managers at work the other day. He recently got married and I asked him how married life was treating him. A very warm smile creeped onto his face as he said, "Married life is amazing. I am so blessed." His warmth spread into my chest and I smiled with him. I said it was so nice to hear that he loved married life. I told him I usually hear such negative things about marriage, only that it's hard. He looked at me and calmly stated, "Marriage is only negative if you marry a negative person. I am always thrilled to go home to her, Emma. I want to work with her on our lives forever." His sentiment inspired me and touched my heart. Then it got a little weird when I cried while I made his frappuccino but I mean... that's neither here nor there. 

I don't care about what the negative people say about marriage. I'm excited for that struggle because I know that that struggle will be the best struggle of my life. Congratulations to Maddy and Bryan on their beautiful wedding day and their beautiful lives together. And also congrats to whoever my future husband is. Don't know who you are yet, but prepare yourself for a lifetime of fun. I have some things planned for us. Get Ready, sweetheart. :)