have you heard this?

It is ridiculous how much I love this song. I have been fighting the Miley love so so hard. First We Can't Stop was my guilty pleasure, then the VMAs lost me for a hot second. But this. This is perfection. Perfection. Why is this song my week? Give this a listen. Finally she chose to show off her voice, with feeling and power. And utter honesty.

I love the video. So much symbolism I could die. Mmm. Pain is deliciously addictive, girl. You lick that sledgehammer.

I understand this too. I understand how hard it is to try and battle all of these demons without hurting those closest to you. When I feel like the rest of my world is collapsing and misunderstanding me, I destroy the one beautiful thing I have in my life. I never mean to hurt that person, but I always accidentally throw them out of my life. I am so sorry. I hate that I do this. I am so sorry. The most I can do is try to piece us back together after my storm has passed.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain

We jumped, never asking why.

We kissed, I feel under your spell

A love no one could deny.

Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you.

I can't live a lie, running for my life,

I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,

I never hit so hard in love.

All I wanted was to break your walls

all you ever did was wreck me.

Yeah you wreck me.

I put you high up in the sky,

and now you're not coming down.

It slowly turned, you let me burn

and now we're ashes on the ground.

Don't you ever say I just walked away,

I will always want you.

I can't live a lie, running for my life,

I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,

I never hit so hard in love.

All I wanted was to break your walls,

all you ever did was wreck me.

Yeah you wreck me.

I came in like a wrecking ball,

Yeah I just closed my eyes and swung,

Left me crouching in a blazing fall,

All you ever did was wreck me,

yeah you wreck me.

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should have let you win.

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in.

And instead of using force,

I guess I should have let you win.

Don't you ever say I just walked away,

I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,

I never hit so hard in love.

All I wanted was to break your walls,

all you ever did was wreck me.

Bioburden

So I was reading in my dental assisting textbook last week, finishing up the last of the book work I'll have to deal with for a while. I was reading about different infection control guidelines and this word popped out at me.

Bioburden.

I loved this word. (Not so much what it described. Which is the amount of bacteria on the surface of an object that has not been sterilized. Or inside the surface of the water tubes filling dental supply systems with water. Yum.)

I did love how I saw this word though. Bio. Life. Burden. Things that make life hard and unbearable at times. Like the bacteria that line the surfaces of unsanitized objects, I feel like we are always constantly full of bioburden that infect us. They crawl inside of our minds and break us down if they aren't sanitized away. They make us sick. They make us give up and stay in bed all day. They make us lose faith in ourselves. They make us negative and mean. They make us weak.

They. Kill. Us.

It has been an awful few days. I try so so so hard to cling to positivity but it seems like whenever I try to reach up and feel a few rays of sunlight I'm shoved back down into the ground even harder. I start feeling great, I stop coughing, my sinuses clear up, I am living my healthy life. BAM. Bioburden piles up in my veins and I get sick again. And I'm tired of it. It's killing me.

Let's unburden ourselves. Let's wash away all of the crap that ruins our lives. Let's have a bioburden baptism and wash away the muck that's clogging our brains and making us weak and unhappy.

My burdens:

• I miss my best friends. Shelby and Garrett are on their 18 month faith journeys and they are loving it. I am so so proud of them and I know they are having a killer time. (killer time. Is it appropriate to call missions killer...? Um.. they are having an... edifying experience?) And as much as I love their letters, I wish they were here with me. Nobody talks with me like them. I never once feel judged, used, misunderstood, or ignored. They care so much for me and I wish they were here to talk to. 
• I wish people didn't feel the need to violently move on from different times in their lives. I have a friend who is getting ready for a big move in her life. We are all so happy for her. But she's treating a lot of her old friends like we now mean nothing because she has new friends. I wish she still loved us like we love her. I wish that our friendship was enough.
• I feel very insecure lately. Who knows what's causing it but it sure doesn't help to find out that someone who I thought was so close to me and cared for me so much has been saying very negative things about my appearance. Friends. Guys. Friends don't do this to friends. I don't care if you are jealous or whatever your reasoning is. Friends have each other's back and we don't say that other friends are ugly or fat or horrible style. It's not helping the self esteem that is already floundering get any stronger. So thanks.
• I feel like I'm disappointing people. I put so much pressure on myself all the time. I keep myself busy, I take on tons of extra projects, I work my ass off at work and at school. Spare time isn't even a thing anymore because I spend it working on my writing, reading books to review on my book blog, applying to school, studying. I don't let myself stop. But no matter how hard I work I feel like it's not enough because I'm working towards a goal nobody seems to understand or support. I wish more than anything that I liked science and had a passion for math. I wish I could be satisfied being a dental assistant for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong. I love dental assisting. I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME OR YOUR TIME DOING THIS. But it's not my dream. It kills me that it won't be enough for me. I am so sorry. I have to write. I have to learn more about my passion. It breaks my heart that I'm disappointing people and that they don't seem to understand why I can't just settle. I am truly sorry. I've tried. The choice is settle and be miserable, or live my dreams and excel. I am truly and terribly sorry. 
• I am sorry if anyone has the wrong impression of me. I don't like knowing that there are people out there who hate me, because I truly don't hate you. I'm sorry I'm opinionated. I try very had to present myself well but I am still young and I am learning too. I'm sorry if you feel the need to make those first judgments of me stick and not give me a second chance.  Or that you decide to believe those opinions and not get to know me. I think I'm pretty ok. Hate takes so much time. I'm sorry you feel like you have to hate me.
• I'm sorry if I have ever hurt you. It wasn't my intention.
• HUGE BURDEN SHOUT OUT TO MONEY

This was really whining but if I've learned anything in the past 21 years it's that most of the time, the only thing that makes me feel better is writing. I think it would help a lot of you too. It's a nice release to write down your burdens. What are some of your burdens? Maybe we can help each other.

This about sums it up.

This is Today

Tired, can't sleep

Words welling up, can't be released

Heart stopping silently,

Being kept beating by the searing bass notes.

Can't bear breaking a heart,

Can't bear living in limbo.

Out of words, out of touch, out of hope.

Losing friends, losing love, losing you.

Gaining self, gaining peace.