You are beautiful, world. You are worth it. You are gold.
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Even Hell Can Be Pretty
Wednesday, May 8
This video is wonderful. These words are powerful. Share this with those in need.
You are beautiful, world. You are worth it. You are gold.
You are beautiful, world. You are worth it. You are gold.
On Hope
Tuesday, May 7
It's been a bit of a rough week here in the world I live in. Lots of information coming all at once and lots of emotions and epiphany type feelings happening. It's been rough but it's also been very enlightening. I've done a lot of reflecting about why I write and why I blog, even why I feel the need to share my blog.
When I set out to write a blog, I knew that I didn't want it to be an online diary. If I wanted a diary, I would need it to be kept private, not share it with the universe to get attention to my every day struggles and worries. I wanted to write a blog so I could reflect on the moments in my life that have pushed me the most, so I can look back during rough times and see the little moments of hope I had. I also wanted people who read my blog to feel inspired and changed after reading my blog, even if the change was just for the day or the hour. I want to make people think and I want to make people feel.
I share my blog with people I care about, and people who care about me. Maybe there is someone who reads my blog that will never tell me about it who will get something amazing out of read it. I'll never know, so the least I can do is share it and update it regularly with well thought out, well crafted posts. There will also be funny stories because what's life without humor, what's sorrow without humor? I want people to feel something when I write, whether it's a blog or a short story or a book. Even a text message.
That's why I want to write too. I've read books that have changed the way I feel, the way I look at life, the way I write. If I could do that for some other sixteen year old girl riddled with angst and unrequited love, my job will be complete. (I also wouldn't mind having a New York Times best seller that's displayed on every shelf of Barnes and Noble... but... you know.... I'd be cool without that.)
Yesterday, at what felt like the climax of a Week of Death, I was sitting in my bath tub when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore. When did that happen?!?! My problems have morphed from finding the right cotillion dress, to high school theater classes ending, to picking a college, to watching a cousin go to jail. WHAT. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I'm an adult. It happened without my knowledge and suddenly here I am. Into roughly my third year of college, out of high school for three years. I started my senior year four years ago. I cannot believe that. I remember what I wore on my first day of high school.
But you know what comes with growing up? Besides eventual death? Unimaginable hope. I have so much hope for my future and for the future of my generation. Life is so rough and as awful as aging is, as we talk about when we drive around with our best friends, talking about the past and growing up, we all perpetuate the cycle. We keep pushing forward through our lives and we keep having children and watching them grow up. The cycle won't end. We will keep growing up, making adult decisions, and keep hoping. Keep reaching for that hope.
To quote my main man F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... and one fine morning--" (Brief pause to reflect on the beauty of this sentence. It doesn't end. "One fine morning--" it leaves me breathless.)
This sort of hope is why I love Young Adult literature. When you read a book geared at adults, it always just.... ends. No hope, the story finishes, the characters are done with their tale and that's all there is to it. But in YA lit, the story ends with hope. The character overcomes his obstacle and still believes life will get better. We grow from it. We are sad but we learn from it and the hope comes back. John Green said it best at the end of his book, Looking for Alaska. Yes, I'm quoting it again. I told you, the book changed my life.
"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparable broken. We think we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
I feel so bad for the adults who have lost that hope and resent who they are. Someone very close to me is like that and it makes me so sad. Yu can always change who you are, you are never irreparable or stuck. You are NEVER broken to the point where there is no coming back. You will always come back, and you will come back stronger than ever. I want to write books that feel like this. I want to give the youth of today even more hope than they already have. If you feed them hope, they remain hopeful as they age. I was on my way to being a resentful adult but I filled my teen years with the words of authors feeding me hope and now, I want to return that hope because it's how I feel inside.
This song always fills me with that hope. It's a quiet, subtle song that is just beautiful. The words are perfect.
You're body cannot stop rocking,
I know it hurts to let go.
We will be with you
When you're leaving.
We will be with you,
when you go.
We will be with you
and hold you til you're quiet,
It hurts to let you go.
So good. Enjoy this song, enjoy this blog, enjoy hope. I love you all.
When I set out to write a blog, I knew that I didn't want it to be an online diary. If I wanted a diary, I would need it to be kept private, not share it with the universe to get attention to my every day struggles and worries. I wanted to write a blog so I could reflect on the moments in my life that have pushed me the most, so I can look back during rough times and see the little moments of hope I had. I also wanted people who read my blog to feel inspired and changed after reading my blog, even if the change was just for the day or the hour. I want to make people think and I want to make people feel.
I share my blog with people I care about, and people who care about me. Maybe there is someone who reads my blog that will never tell me about it who will get something amazing out of read it. I'll never know, so the least I can do is share it and update it regularly with well thought out, well crafted posts. There will also be funny stories because what's life without humor, what's sorrow without humor? I want people to feel something when I write, whether it's a blog or a short story or a book. Even a text message.
That's why I want to write too. I've read books that have changed the way I feel, the way I look at life, the way I write. If I could do that for some other sixteen year old girl riddled with angst and unrequited love, my job will be complete. (I also wouldn't mind having a New York Times best seller that's displayed on every shelf of Barnes and Noble... but... you know.... I'd be cool without that.)
Yesterday, at what felt like the climax of a Week of Death, I was sitting in my bath tub when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore. When did that happen?!?! My problems have morphed from finding the right cotillion dress, to high school theater classes ending, to picking a college, to watching a cousin go to jail. WHAT. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I'm an adult. It happened without my knowledge and suddenly here I am. Into roughly my third year of college, out of high school for three years. I started my senior year four years ago. I cannot believe that. I remember what I wore on my first day of high school.
But you know what comes with growing up? Besides eventual death? Unimaginable hope. I have so much hope for my future and for the future of my generation. Life is so rough and as awful as aging is, as we talk about when we drive around with our best friends, talking about the past and growing up, we all perpetuate the cycle. We keep pushing forward through our lives and we keep having children and watching them grow up. The cycle won't end. We will keep growing up, making adult decisions, and keep hoping. Keep reaching for that hope.
To quote my main man F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... and one fine morning--" (Brief pause to reflect on the beauty of this sentence. It doesn't end. "One fine morning--" it leaves me breathless.)
This sort of hope is why I love Young Adult literature. When you read a book geared at adults, it always just.... ends. No hope, the story finishes, the characters are done with their tale and that's all there is to it. But in YA lit, the story ends with hope. The character overcomes his obstacle and still believes life will get better. We grow from it. We are sad but we learn from it and the hope comes back. John Green said it best at the end of his book, Looking for Alaska. Yes, I'm quoting it again. I told you, the book changed my life.
"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparable broken. We think we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
I feel so bad for the adults who have lost that hope and resent who they are. Someone very close to me is like that and it makes me so sad. Yu can always change who you are, you are never irreparable or stuck. You are NEVER broken to the point where there is no coming back. You will always come back, and you will come back stronger than ever. I want to write books that feel like this. I want to give the youth of today even more hope than they already have. If you feed them hope, they remain hopeful as they age. I was on my way to being a resentful adult but I filled my teen years with the words of authors feeding me hope and now, I want to return that hope because it's how I feel inside.
This song always fills me with that hope. It's a quiet, subtle song that is just beautiful. The words are perfect.
You're body cannot stop rocking,
I know it hurts to let go.
We will be with you
When you're leaving.
We will be with you,
when you go.
We will be with you
and hold you til you're quiet,
It hurts to let you go.
So good. Enjoy this song, enjoy this blog, enjoy hope. I love you all.
Trouble Sleeping
Tuesday, February 19
My insomnia has been acting up badly lately. It starts off normally at night, I browse Tumblr, read for a bit... and then it starts. I just lay there and lay there and lay there, waiting to fall asleep, even if I'm exhausted. Nothing. My mind doesn't shut up, my eyes cannot stop searching and I can't focus on sleep or anything else. My mind just races and races until BLAM it's 6 in the morning and I have to wake up in three hours. That next day is always hell and even if I don't nap and I'm running on three hours, I can't seem to fall asleep the next night.
My mind chases so many thoughts at night. It's like my maze is a massive forest. I'm standing in the middle of a meadow in the center of the forest full of huge evergreen trees. The trees surround me as I stand there, feeling peaceful. Suddenly twelve deer appear and they al stare at me. They all take off running in all different directions in the trees and I just HAVE to catch all of them. That's what night feels like for me.
My mind chases so many thoughts at night. It's like my maze is a massive forest. I'm standing in the middle of a meadow in the center of the forest full of huge evergreen trees. The trees surround me as I stand there, feeling peaceful. Suddenly twelve deer appear and they al stare at me. They all take off running in all different directions in the trees and I just HAVE to catch all of them. That's what night feels like for me.
Lately my thoughts have had many different directions but the one that has really taken over is excessive thinking of the future. This has been a problem since... I'd say last July. I like what I'm going to school for, sure. I love my friends, I'm happy with there I live but lately I've grown increasingly anxious to grow up and move on. I will be 21 in pretty much an EXACT month and I want to start living and working toward my dreams.
I KNOW that I'm being smart and that dental assisting is great but I can't shake the feeling that I just want to study English. I'm tired of being practical. I'm tired of being patient. I want to study what I want to study. Not something I feel like I have to study.
Good things come to those who wait. And I know that I will get there, I will be there in a year even but the waiting is killing me. When I should be studying for dental assisting, I research schools and English programs. I plan my future in London. I dream and I hope and I get so angry at people who keep talking to be about money and practicality and settling. SCREW YOUR SETTLING. It may have worked for you but it will not work for me. I know what settling looks like, and it's not me.
I'm not worried about money. I know my family will support me, even if they don't fully understand my artistic, unsettled mind. I'm not afraid to take loans out. After all, that's what the dental assisting is about. It's a great job I will love until I can surround myself solely with books and words, it's just hard to wait.
And I see all of my friends traveling and making travel plans and I feel like I am just... stuck. I want to get out. I want new people. I'm sick of how small this world is and I want a new place with new people and new places and sights and smells. I'm bored of running into people I'd rather forget and have people I love know people I wish didn't know me. I want to go to a new place. I cannot wait to get to Arizona in a month. I'm just afraid I won't be able to focus even more when I come back.
All in all, I know that good things come to those who wait and I will be able to go to the school I want very soon in all reality. I just feel stuck right now and it's keeping me awake at night. If any of you out there know any tricks to shutting a mind off, I would greatly appreciate them. Anything would help at this point and I will try anything.
Keep on keeping on, beautiful people.
This is Today
Friday, February 1
Tired, can't sleep
Words welling up, can't be released
Heart stopping silently,
Being kept beating by the searing bass notes.
Can't bear breaking a heart,
Can't bear living in limbo.
Out of words, out of touch, out of hope.
Losing friends, losing love, losing you.
Gaining self, gaining peace.
Perseverance
Monday, January 28
HAI.
Recently, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of melancholy and a general sense of being stuck. These feelings did not surprise me, given that my horoscope for the month mostly said, "This month will suck your will to live and you won't accomplish anything because the world wants you to suffer." Thanks a heap, Marie Claire magazine horoscope. You are the worst.
But today after almost an entire month of massive frustration, I feel better and less stuck! The reason: I finally finished the WORST section of all time in my Dental Assisting Clinical Overview class. Excuse me for not being able to memorize the uses for 30299 different waxes that are mostly all EXACTLY THE SAME. :( But I finally took the test today and only missed one. Special shout out to the winter storm last night that prevented me from going out with the Boyfriend and forced me to study instead. Props, weather.
Now that the huge weight of this section is off of my chest, everything feels like it's back on track. Now I won't have to feel guilty about watching movies, reading books, being with my friends, or just relaxing because now I feel a renewed sense of self and determination.
It's so easy to get bogged down in a temporary trial, but it's so dangerous to let it get to you and discourage you. I have so much I want to accomplish, especially within the next year that I really don't have time to let anything get to me and pull me down. Last year, I let myself get pulled down and I lost a lot of time that could have been spent pursuing my dreams and moving on.
Keep persevering. Don't let anything keep you down longer than it has to. Power through what is giving you a hard time and, as hard as it is, appreciate the trial and learn from it. Who knows, maybe tomorrow on the street some woman will have a dental emergency. She will open her purse full of wax and say "QUICK! I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAX TO USE TO STICK MY APPLIANCES TOGETHER! WHO CAN HELP ME?" I'll calmly glide over to her and say, "Easy, use your Sticky Wax. BOOM." You never know :)
Here's James Franco reading a book again. He is a God. See you soon :)
Recently, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of melancholy and a general sense of being stuck. These feelings did not surprise me, given that my horoscope for the month mostly said, "This month will suck your will to live and you won't accomplish anything because the world wants you to suffer." Thanks a heap, Marie Claire magazine horoscope. You are the worst.
Now that the huge weight of this section is off of my chest, everything feels like it's back on track. Now I won't have to feel guilty about watching movies, reading books, being with my friends, or just relaxing because now I feel a renewed sense of self and determination.
It's so easy to get bogged down in a temporary trial, but it's so dangerous to let it get to you and discourage you. I have so much I want to accomplish, especially within the next year that I really don't have time to let anything get to me and pull me down. Last year, I let myself get pulled down and I lost a lot of time that could have been spent pursuing my dreams and moving on.
Keep persevering. Don't let anything keep you down longer than it has to. Power through what is giving you a hard time and, as hard as it is, appreciate the trial and learn from it. Who knows, maybe tomorrow on the street some woman will have a dental emergency. She will open her purse full of wax and say "QUICK! I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAX TO USE TO STICK MY APPLIANCES TOGETHER! WHO CAN HELP ME?" I'll calmly glide over to her and say, "Easy, use your Sticky Wax. BOOM." You never know :)
Here's James Franco reading a book again. He is a God. See you soon :)
Struggle Central
Sunday, November 11
So here's where I'm at as of now. I am struggling here. I don't exactly know how to start explaining how this has all sort of steam rolled, escalating into a panic attack last night BUT I will do my best.
I guess let's start with what I feel started all of this.
Recently I was talking with an old friend and they told me it would be a waste of time and money to attend grad school since all I want to do is write novels. "Sweetie, you don't need a degree to write novels. Just do it. And..... you don't need to waste your time doing something pointless like that." Ouch man, very ouch. More was said, but let's leave it at that.
Also, I know I don't NEED a degree to write novels but I want to be the best writer I can be. I want to learn about nuances and how to make my writing grow. I want to surround myself with people who are studying the same thing I am and talk with them about a shared interest and a shared dream. Most of all. I want to learn. I love to learn. John Green, my favorite author said, "Study broadly and without fear." This is what I want to do. And hearing that I'd be wasting my time sucked. And who needs money anyway? Ramen is like 79 cents. It's cool.
My education has taken a turn in a weird direction recently and I haven't talked about it because well... I haven't wanted to discuss my life with anyone for a really long time because, as you can tell from this blog title, my life has been a hot mess as of late. But, screw it. My life is doing amazing things and I'll talk about it now. I'm afraid that if I don't start talking again, I'll lose myself and my speech. So here's what has been going down over here.
I'm currently pausing my English degree to become a certified dental assistant. I'm loving it and hoping to be done with that certification by May of next year. After that, I'm gonna work hard for six months and save up as much money as I can so I can start back at the U in January of 2014 to finish my English BA.
That is what is set in stone, I guess. I really thought my Grad School plan was set in stone too and I HATE that talking to one person has kind of gotten me worried and thinking I'm not good enough but... well... here we are. I want a master's in creative writing if for no other reason than to say I have one, that I know writing. That I'm one of the few who have their master's in the craft they love. I want to be in that elite club. But... I'm fearful now. The girl with the unbreakable confidence and will has been cracked open. Yikes.
This weekend was hard. My best friend was in town and we had a great weekend, but on Friday night I started feeling incredibly sick. I didn't eat most of Saturday and then like an IDIOT I took a pain pill thats main ingredient was caffeine which made my heart freak out and I almost passed out. On top of a slight caffeine over dose, I started freaking out. Friend struggles, relationship SHIT (sorry for the swear but let's be real... it's shit. And it sucks will to live out of your brain so. Bite me.), and then having former friends tell you you are throwing your life away... needless to say I've had a rough go of it lately.
All is well now on the panic attack front. I slept and I just spent my Sunday reading in my bath tub. (Also, I turned all the lights off and read by a candle. It was magic. Do it. It's better than medicine. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet.) I feel refreshed after sleeping and I'm starting to feel some hope creep back in to my brain. It's hard to keep it out of me; I'm a natural hoper, sadly.
Sorry for the depressive nature of this post but hey, they can't all be good weeks, right? And it's up from here, right?
Also this gif. Literally me.
Recently I was talking with an old friend and they told me it would be a waste of time and money to attend grad school since all I want to do is write novels. "Sweetie, you don't need a degree to write novels. Just do it. And..... you don't need to waste your time doing something pointless like that." Ouch man, very ouch. More was said, but let's leave it at that.
Also, I know I don't NEED a degree to write novels but I want to be the best writer I can be. I want to learn about nuances and how to make my writing grow. I want to surround myself with people who are studying the same thing I am and talk with them about a shared interest and a shared dream. Most of all. I want to learn. I love to learn. John Green, my favorite author said, "Study broadly and without fear." This is what I want to do. And hearing that I'd be wasting my time sucked. And who needs money anyway? Ramen is like 79 cents. It's cool.
My education has taken a turn in a weird direction recently and I haven't talked about it because well... I haven't wanted to discuss my life with anyone for a really long time because, as you can tell from this blog title, my life has been a hot mess as of late. But, screw it. My life is doing amazing things and I'll talk about it now. I'm afraid that if I don't start talking again, I'll lose myself and my speech. So here's what has been going down over here.
I'm currently pausing my English degree to become a certified dental assistant. I'm loving it and hoping to be done with that certification by May of next year. After that, I'm gonna work hard for six months and save up as much money as I can so I can start back at the U in January of 2014 to finish my English BA.
That is what is set in stone, I guess. I really thought my Grad School plan was set in stone too and I HATE that talking to one person has kind of gotten me worried and thinking I'm not good enough but... well... here we are. I want a master's in creative writing if for no other reason than to say I have one, that I know writing. That I'm one of the few who have their master's in the craft they love. I want to be in that elite club. But... I'm fearful now. The girl with the unbreakable confidence and will has been cracked open. Yikes.
This weekend was hard. My best friend was in town and we had a great weekend, but on Friday night I started feeling incredibly sick. I didn't eat most of Saturday and then like an IDIOT I took a pain pill thats main ingredient was caffeine which made my heart freak out and I almost passed out. On top of a slight caffeine over dose, I started freaking out. Friend struggles, relationship SHIT (sorry for the swear but let's be real... it's shit. And it sucks will to live out of your brain so. Bite me.), and then having former friends tell you you are throwing your life away... needless to say I've had a rough go of it lately.
All is well now on the panic attack front. I slept and I just spent my Sunday reading in my bath tub. (Also, I turned all the lights off and read by a candle. It was magic. Do it. It's better than medicine. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet.) I feel refreshed after sleeping and I'm starting to feel some hope creep back in to my brain. It's hard to keep it out of me; I'm a natural hoper, sadly.
Sorry for the depressive nature of this post but hey, they can't all be good weeks, right? And it's up from here, right?
Also this gif. Literally me.
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