He unplugged his guitar and stepped off the stage, asking the entire audience to come stand around him as he played. As he played and sang, I could picture him so clearly in a studio apartment, liquor at his side, penning these words into a private notebook. There's something alive in the calm strumming of folk songs, an understanding of the inherent melancholy and hope wrapped up in human life. Maybe that's why it's my favorite; I feel like I understand that too.
I love watching musicians play, when their feet start stamping uncontrollably like the melodies are curling up their legs. Or when their face scrunches up and you know they are reliving what inspired the song on the edge of their minds. The air around musicians is magic and bright. Their hands move me in ways that make my own hands grasp at themselves with excitement, anticipation, emotion. I was never blessed with music, but I'll consider myself lucky every time I see it live.
Standing in the center of concerts you realize how shottily put together the human body is. Clumsy feet, elbows that prod much too far outward, the inexhaustible scent of human sweat clinging to your clothes as the crowd ebbs and flows with the guitar pulses. I struggled against the shoulders pressing into my back and against my head, imagining my head popping like a grape in the center of the crowd. They'd find you absorbed into my brain matter.
Standing in the back of concerts you realize how much you miss the hair you've yet to touch; the hair you watched the wind explore and tug at. You realize how wonderfully a gin and tonic would burn down your vocal chords that are already shot from shouting lyrics. You grab your best friend's hand and pull toward the fresh air like children pulling kites across fields the color of his hair and feel that infinite feeling creep into your toes again.
Tonight at the Imagine Dragons concert (!!!) the lead singer finished his opening song then said this:
"Are you ready to let go tonight, Utah? Are you ready to completely let go?"
My heart was already spinning and somersaulting because of this guy's rippling biceps and the pounding drum beat but then he won my heart over entirely. Yes, sir, I was ready to let go. I danced, I screamed, I cried, I lived. I felt so incredibly rejuvenated and so centered and complete.
I love watching live music because you can see the melodies flowing out of the musicians mouths and fingertips. I love seeing someone living their dreams. There is always one moment where they look so completely overwhelmed and where the good artists are genuinely so grateful that they have this amazing opportunity to inspire and connect with so many.
I know it's cliche but music truly is one of the most incredibly powerful forces on this Earth. It's so healing and connecting. I love seeing people get carried away in music, whether they are the listeners or the performers. These guys let themselves go. They let themselves dance around the stage and bounce with their guitars. Dan, the lead singer, got on his knees to beat a drum. He threw his head back and screamed. He even put his shirt in his mouth while he played, biting down hard because he couldn't contain his passion. (ALSO SIDE NOTE... neither could I. Good lord this man is unreal. Just... I want to wrap my body around his bicep. It's not weird.)
After the show as I was driving to IHOP with Niki, I thought about how powerful music really is. How that moment when the entire arena was dark except for the starbursts of cell phone light sprang up in the blackness will shine in my heart forever. About how bland life would be without those certain songs there to make sense of everything. About how there are times that the only way you can get a message across is to shove headphones in someone's ears and say "just listen to this. It's every single thing I am feeling."
Tonight after the show I felt such peace and such a creative jolt as well. During the show too. I felt stronger and confident. Radiant. I feel at peace with myself now. It's been a journey this week, as you all know. I feel like I've walked a thousand miles in a matter of days. I guess traumas will do that to you, you know? I feel like if a love of my doesn't work out, yeah it will suck but I will heal. I am a great person with so much to give. And you know what? I have music to keep me company and heal me and propel me.
Ever have those experience when you've heard a song a billion times but then you hear it one night and it's like hearing it for the first time? The words take new shape. They lift your heart up for examination and hold it out to you. That was tonight. You change, sometimes without even knowing it, and suddenly a song sticks out to you. A few words change everything.
This was a ramble of a post, but it's also 4 in the morning. Share some of your favorite music with me, lovelies :) I'd love to listen. I always want to be inspired.
It is ridiculous how much I love this song. I have been fighting the Miley love so so hard. First We Can't Stop was my guilty pleasure, then the VMAs lost me for a hot second. But this. This is perfection. Perfection. Why is this song my week? Give this a listen. Finally she chose to show off her voice, with feeling and power. And utter honesty.
I love the video. So much symbolism I could die. Mmm. Pain is deliciously addictive, girl. You lick that sledgehammer.
I understand this too. I understand how hard it is to try and battle all of these demons without hurting those closest to you. When I feel like the rest of my world is collapsing and misunderstanding me, I destroy the one beautiful thing I have in my life. I never mean to hurt that person, but I always accidentally throw them out of my life. I am so sorry. I hate that I do this. I am so sorry. The most I can do is try to piece us back together after my storm has passed.
What do you hear inside your head all the time? What is the song that plays when you enter a room? What is the song of your heart? What do you hear buzzing in your ears when that fuzzy silence sets in late at night?
People are born with rhythm in their bodies. Bodies synchronize together and work together with the steady strum of the Earth moving beneath our feet. So what do you think is your theme song? Do you have a sweeping symphony full of violins and sorrowful strings? A power ballad from the 80s? A heavy bass blasting beat dropping with each footstep?
First impressions happen quickly. Next time you find yourself face to face with someone new- or someone old that you are still trying to puzzle out- try to hear their theme song. Simple and sweet? Wild and pounding? Maybe your music will clash and maybe it will compliment. I love music and I love humans.
I love simple songs with pretty words. I'd have an easy acoustic song following me, with a power chorus following right behind the sweet little verse, I think. It would be nostalgic and anguished and powerful and vulnerable. Like if Lana del Rey and Mumford and Sons got together for a night and then that baby was babysat by The Civil Wars and The Killers. That sounds about right.
So what is your theme song? What do you sound like? What follows you into a room? I'd love to know, darlings.
I'm sure we are all in agreement about the spectacular gift that is music. No blog is complete without a music appreciation post, I think. Music is one of those universal joys that has a way of connecting the masses and liberating souls. Lilting melodies dance in our hearts and bursting beats break our minds apart before rhythmically pulsating them back together.
It's a rare moment when I don't have music playing. It's on when I study, when I write or read, when I drive, in the background while I talk with friends. I even leave playlists running as I sleep. Music inspires me and calms me. I love feeling it surround me and press itself into me. There is a song for everything.
Is there anything better than catching someone tapping their toes or seeing the chills rush along someone's arm when they hear a song for the first time and get so swept away. I doubt it.
Last Christmas I got one of the best presents of my entire life. The sweetheart I got them from remembered my love of music and got me a pair of noise canceling headphones. Beats headphones. Designed by Lady Gaga. The creme de la creme of headphones. And they are gorgeous.
They looked like studs and they fit perfectly. I adore them and I keep them so safe and sound. When they aren't in use, they are protected in their case. I don't share them. They are a prized possession.
If you haven't listened to music with noise canceling headphones, do not wait any longer. It was such a vivid experience when I first listened with them and even now, months later, it amazes me when I put them in. Every part of the outside world is blocked out; it's just you and the music. I heard parts of my favorite songs I had never noticed before. I heard the singers take a breathe before each sentence they sang. I heard swelling chords and felt the deep drum beats rattling in my bones. I have never felt more connected or alive than when I have these headphones in. It's like a constant private show in my head. It's so intimate and so sensual, almost. I feel every part of the song like individual molecules entering my bloodstream.
Today and every day, take time to shut out the world and breathe in music.
This is something I did on my old blog every Wednesday and I loved it. Bringing it back around!
Today is amazing. Rain like this makes me feel alive and at peace. Everything feels clean and lovely.
It's been a great week with tomorrow being the cherry on top. GATSBY. Needless to say I have been listening to nothing but the movie soundtrack since it came out Monday night. But two weeks ago, they released the single Lana Del Rey wrote specifically for the film. Or... to be more specific, the book. Lana is my favorite artist by far. Hands down. Her words are like velvet, just how I view Fitzgerald's words. She paints gorgeous and glamours pictures with her music. Who better to write a song for Gatsby. It's called Young and Beautiful and it's been the only song I've listened to for two weeks.
This song is completely Jay Gatsby. It feels like that perfect man. It's beautiful and dark and cinematic. Lana always sounds like she's on the verge of an orgasm when she sings. Gatsby lived his life on the verge of orgasm. Reading that book makes me feel orgasmic. This song is orgasmic.
Will you still love me When I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me When I've got nothing but my aching soul? All the ways I got to know Your pretty face And Electric Soul Oh that grace, oh that body, Oh that face, makes me want to party.
Stunning song for a stunning day.
It's been a bit of a rough week here in the world I live in. Lots of information coming all at once and lots of emotions and epiphany type feelings happening. It's been rough but it's also been very enlightening. I've done a lot of reflecting about why I write and why I blog, even why I feel the need to share my blog.
When I set out to write a blog, I knew that I didn't want it to be an online diary. If I wanted a diary, I would need it to be kept private, not share it with the universe to get attention to my every day struggles and worries. I wanted to write a blog so I could reflect on the moments in my life that have pushed me the most, so I can look back during rough times and see the little moments of hope I had. I also wanted people who read my blog to feel inspired and changed after reading my blog, even if the change was just for the day or the hour. I want to make people think and I want to make people feel.
I share my blog with people I care about, and people who care about me. Maybe there is someone who reads my blog that will never tell me about it who will get something amazing out of read it. I'll never know, so the least I can do is share it and update it regularly with well thought out, well crafted posts. There will also be funny stories because what's life without humor, what's sorrow without humor? I want people to feel something when I write, whether it's a blog or a short story or a book. Even a text message.
That's why I want to write too. I've read books that have changed the way I feel, the way I look at life, the way I write. If I could do that for some other sixteen year old girl riddled with angst and unrequited love, my job will be complete. (I also wouldn't mind having a New York Times best seller that's displayed on every shelf of Barnes and Noble... but... you know.... I'd be cool without that.)
Yesterday, at what felt like the climax of a Week of Death, I was sitting in my bath tub when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore. When did that happen?!?! My problems have morphed from finding the right cotillion dress, to high school theater classes ending, to picking a college, to watching a cousin go to jail. WHAT. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I'm an adult. It happened without my knowledge and suddenly here I am. Into roughly my third year of college, out of high school for three years. I started my senior year four years ago. I cannot believe that. I remember what I wore on my first day of high school.
But you know what comes with growing up? Besides eventual death? Unimaginable hope. I have so much hope for my future and for the future of my generation. Life is so rough and as awful as aging is, as we talk about when we drive around with our best friends, talking about the past and growing up, we all perpetuate the cycle. We keep pushing forward through our lives and we keep having children and watching them grow up. The cycle won't end. We will keep growing up, making adult decisions, and keep hoping. Keep reaching for that hope.
To quote my main man F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... and one fine morning--" (Brief pause to reflect on the beauty of this sentence. It doesn't end. "One fine morning--" it leaves me breathless.)
This sort of hope is why I love Young Adult literature. When you read a book geared at adults, it always just.... ends. No hope, the story finishes, the characters are done with their tale and that's all there is to it. But in YA lit, the story ends with hope. The character overcomes his obstacle and still believes life will get better. We grow from it. We are sad but we learn from it and the hope comes back. John Green said it best at the end of his book, Looking for Alaska. Yes, I'm quoting it again. I told you, the book changed my life.
"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparable broken. We think we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
I feel so bad for the adults who have lost that hope and resent who they are. Someone very close to me is like that and it makes me so sad. Yu can always change who you are, you are never irreparable or stuck. You are NEVER broken to the point where there is no coming back. You will always come back, and you will come back stronger than ever. I want to write books that feel like this. I want to give the youth of today even more hope than they already have. If you feed them hope, they remain hopeful as they age. I was on my way to being a resentful adult but I filled my teen years with the words of authors feeding me hope and now, I want to return that hope because it's how I feel inside.
This song always fills me with that hope. It's a quiet, subtle song that is just beautiful. The words are perfect.
You're body cannot stop rocking, I know it hurts to let go. We will be with you When you're leaving. We will be with you, when you go. We will be with you and hold you til you're quiet, It hurts to let you go.
So good. Enjoy this song, enjoy this blog, enjoy hope. I love you all.
