hush

My mouth tasted like screaming. Everything was silent but I could still feel the hum of the scream on my teeth and in my fillings. The darkness I woke up to was hollow and foreign although I could smell my bedding surrounding me. I stared into the black and waited to feel settled in my own flesh again.

I tried to remember the last time I felt settled in my skin. Remembered childhoods spent skipping through sprinklers in tiny bikinis and never sparing a thought about if my stomach was sticking out. Popping a blood blister in my palm while on the monkey bars, blood pouring down to my elbow until it stained the teal dress I was wearing. I remembered trying to find my mom in the crowd of people at the park, blood drifting further down from my hand and no one coming to help me. It was the first time I felt alone and vulnerable.

I felt it again as I sat in my bed, blood peeking through the center of my lip where I'd peeled the skin while I slept again. I gripped the edges of my blanket and licked the blood off slowly, letting the taste of copper replace the taste of screaming. I'd hoped I'd only screamed in my dream and not in real life. Then again, nobody was dashing into my room to hold me this time either.

via *

yesterday

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I've had in recent memory. Not that his year has been a cake walk, but yesterday was the cherry on top.

Yesterday afternoon my beautiful grandmother passed away after fighting a very sudden illness. She had been cleared for lung cancer after undergoing surgery to remove it about two weeks ago. She had a chest tube in place for the recovery process that subsequently became infected. She became septic after entering the hospital on Friday and sometime on Saturday stopped responding to medicine and also just stopped responding. The medicine kept her body alive long enough for her daughter to fly in to say goodbye. She passed peacefully Sunday afternoon surrounded by her family, myself included.

When I found out how bad the situation was on Saturday night, I drove right to the hospital with my mom and stayed until about three in the morning. Other members of my family had been there all evening and some even stayed overnight into Sunday. This outpouring of love and togetherness was something my grandmother would have loved. She was always trying to get us all together. Her soul must have been singing to see us all together, hugging and sharing memories.

I don't handle death well. I know that nobody really claims to handle it well, but I've always struggled since I was a little girl. When I was about 11 my aunt and uncle died nine hours apart. They were brother and sister, two separate causes. Michael had been battling cancer for over a year and Debbie died suddenly after a three day down hill battle with heart attack after heart attack, what we learned later were linked to a rare type of cancer. That sudden loss pulled my heart to pieces. And seeing my grandmother suddenly laid out in a hospital bed brought all of these memories flooding back.

How can this be happening? Why is it happening so fast? She's not done living yet. Grandma? What about grandpa? Wake up. You aren't done. We aren't done loving you here yet. Heaven can wait.

I stood by her side, holding her cool hand when my grandfather came up next to me. "Hey poo butt, thanks for coming. She's not doing too well. I think she's going to leave us soon." My grandfather is the single cutest person in the world, all curly hair and loving heart. He leaned in to his wife and said, "Hey sweetie, Emma's here. You look so good, sweetie. Emma's gonna talk to you now." He kissed her cheek and my cheek ripped in two, torn by a glass tear.

I cried hard and long. I apologized for not seeing her as much as I should, for fighting with her, for what was happening to her. I asked if she was ok leaving. I told her grandpa Frank would be taken care of. I told her how lucky she was to have the life she did. I told her it was ok to leave. I pinched her arm on the off chance she'd wake up to swat my hand away. I told her how sweet Frank was being to her. I told her about the boy I love and asked for any sort of cosmic help she could supply to help us out. Then I just cried and waited to be led away.

Even as we walked back to the waiting room, I couldn't get myself together. My mom went into the room with my other family as I tore off into a corner to let my heart scream. I thought of my Aunt, my grandmother, my uncle. But then I thought of the people left behind. How small my Grandpa looked, how much he loved her. How helpless it must make someone to watch the person you love most slip out of your hands. I missed them all then. But I could feel my aunt beside me, my grandmother too. I shut off the tears, fixed my hair, and went back to my family.

As much as a trauma like this sucks, I adore watching people come together in crisis. Priorities change and what really matters is all that remains, as cliche as it is. Sunday morning, more of my family had arrived and each husband held his wife. Each brother laughed with each sister. Each parent wiped a child's tear. You could feel each soul reach out and grab another's hand.

I sat with my cousins on the couch in my grandmother's room, watching her body breathe, knowing her soul was just hovering above her, smiling at us all. Her best friend's came to visit her. Her sweet grey friend hugged her and whispered, "Hello my friend. I'm so sorry to see you go. I love you, my friend." We all talked to her one more time before standing in a shaking circle, feeding each other tears and hope as the machines were turned off as my grandfather stroked her forehead. "Goodbye my sweetheart, I'll see you soon." He backed away while the wires were untangled and suddenly grabbed the doctor's arm. "I know we have to leave the room so she can get cleaned up, but I'd like one more kiss."

One more kiss.

I couldn't process the idea of never being able to kiss your love again. I can't process it. It's what hurts the most. I saw loving hands tighten on shoulders as the thought sank in. I wished my love was near me so I could squeeze his hand too. Soon, I hope.

After we left and my grandma's room was emptied of beeping and buzzing lights, we came back in to say goodbye. I approached her bed and my grandpa cut in front of me and grabbed my hand. "Sweetie, Emma's back to say goodbye. You look good." He kissed her forehead. "I'll see you soon." I rubbed his back, rubbed my grandma's arm, but couldn't squeak anything out of my mouth.

In the hall, my family remained in a group around my grandfather. It was like a group of emperor penguins keeping the smallest and coldest in the center for protection and warmth. Funerals were arranged and hugs were plentiful. My grandpa told us what a blessing this was, for us to be here together. He thanked us for the support and hugged us each goodbye.

I got home and slept hard and deep for hours. I had one dream. I dreamt of calling up the man I love and talking and laughing. I woke up in silence. As the night wore on, I grew brave. I dialed the number.

He answered.

Please please please hug your loved ones. Life changes so fast. Always be honest with your feelings and never EVER hide them because you never know when that Sunday dinner will be your last one. Never stay angry, never stay distant. Kiss your loved ones every day. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith or make a random phone call. Take chances. Believe. Laugh often and lean on family and friends. Don't be afraid to love hard. Don't be afraid of staying in love, never letting it go. Your heart knows better than you do.

Love each other, my lovelies.
Send out good thoughts.

Rest now, grandma. We love you.

i can feel you touching me

All my friends tell me

I should move on

I'm lying in the ocean

Singing your song.

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah

That's how you sang it.

Loving you forever 

can't be wrong,

even though you're not here

won't move on.

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah 

ah ah ah ah ah

That's how you played it.

And there's no remedy 

for memory

Your face is like a melody

It won't leave my head.

Your soul is haunting me

and telling me

that everything is fine

but I wish I was dead.

Every time I close my eyes,

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you

I'm scared that you

won't be waiting on the other side.

Every time I close my eyes,

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you,

I'm scared that you 

won't be waiting on the other side.

All my friends ask me

why I stay strong,

tell em when you find true love

it lives on.

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah

that's why I stay here.

And there's no remedy

for memory

your face is like a melody,

it won't leave my head.

Your soul is haunting me

and telling me 

that everything is fine,

but I wish I was dead.

Every time I close my eyes

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you,

I'm scared that you 

won't be waiting on the other side.

Every time I close my eyes

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you,

but there's no you

except in my dreams tonight.

Oh oh oh oh 

ha ha ha ha

I don't wanna wake up 

from this tonight.

Oh oh oh oh

ha ha ha ha

I don't wanna wake up

 from this tonight.

There's no relief

I see you in my sleep,

and everybody's rushing me,

but I can feel you touching me.

There's no release 

I feel you in my dreams,

telling me I'm fine.

Every time I close my eyes,

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you,

I'm scared that you

won't be waiting on the other side.

Every time I close my eyes,

it's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you,

but there's no you

except in my dreams tonight.

Oh oh oh oh 

ha ha ha ha

I don't wanna wake up

from this tonight.

Oh oh oh oh

ha ha ha ha

I don't wanna wake up

from this tonight.

via *

three worlds

Right now my head is inhabiting three very different worlds simultaneously, all coming together in the strangest connected web. That connection tells me that fate is playing a little waiting game with me, a cruel game of keep away. Not cruel in the usual sense. Not a mocking cruelty. More like a cruelty that is teaching me patience, the meaning of following your heart, the meaning of resilience and diligence, the meaning of what it feels like to see it all coming together right in front of you, just out of reach.

World one is the present. I'm here, coasting along. The present is the blank canvas. It's there, there isn't much going on, but it is there and ready to burst with potential.

World two is the past. This is the defiant splash of red paint that seeps deep into the canvas and gives it life and breath. It's all of the little coincidences that is making my world come together and keeps hinting at a future that I am more than ready for. Over the past few weeks, little bits and pieces of life have been reappearing in front of me that eerily connect to things that were happening at the same time last year at this time. An old friend who I had dinner with on the night of a very tender memory contacted me yesterday after I spent all day planning to contact him. Eery fate. A group of customers who used to frequent my cafe, who then ended up being jerks and disappeared, have began reappearing at their little corner table. Weird fate. That late night lonely feeling has crept back in. The kind that can only be quenched with either a Netflix binge accompanied by a late night cheeseburger or staying up rereading the darkly sexy passages of Lolita. Fate is toying with me and watching me squirm. The suspense is killing me, darling fate.

The puzzle pieces are all laid next to each other, they just need a little urging to get them connected in the right way.

World three is the imminent future. It's destiny and it's hope. It's the moment when you step back from the Monet to see the full picture pixelating together before your eyes. It's the moment you can feel coming in your heart long before your brain gets the memo.

I can feel you in my bones. I feel you in my soul. The wait is long and lonely. I know that the three worlds run on my ability to over think and over analyze. I know these are dangerous and if my ability to over analyze and over think could power the world, we would have an energy overload and no need for fossil fuels. But analysis and deep thought make me feel powerful and dangerous. And feeling dangerous makes me feel you.

via *

warm visions

via Tumblr

I have a mere two weeks of my internships left. Two weeks until I can get back to my life. Two weeks until I can stop living for others and begin life for myself. Mr. Larsen told me a few weeks back that there is only so much a person can take of sitting in the used grey shadows of the dreams of others before their own dreams come busting forth too powerful to contain.

Life keeps inching forward toward happiness and growth and it's giving me warm visions for the future. You are in every single vision. Every night as the moon crests the mountains and life gets clearer and closer to the finish line of September, your face eases in to my mind like ink rushing across a page. Our hazy grey days keep swimming in my mind and brimming across my eyelids in steady waterfalls.

My inconstant moon- just out of reach- is keeping me up at night. I'll take the moon's indirect gaze until it is ready to warm my nights with it's silver grey light. I feel big things coming. I feel the moon pulling my hand forward like the tides.

Complacence

I love feeling swept away with conversation. I love meeting someone who I feel I can talk with forever and ever. It reminds me about how amazing life is and how beautiful dedication and the human mind can be. With so much to do and so much to hope for, how can anyone stand to not be driven and active and excited to be alive? Lazy days are good but a lazy life? Such a shame.

I've been working in the dental office for about three weeks now and time has flown. Sure I've learned about dentistry but I've learned more about people, especially the people I am working with. The dentist I have been assisting has such a wise and kind soul. He is very thoughtful, very smart, very dedicated, and one of my favorite people to talk to. He listens without judging, shares opinions without preaching, and is also hilarious. So. He's a gem. If he's not your dentist, you're doing it wrong.

He's a very active man. He runs races. He raises a family. He works as a dentist. And he is always striving for self improvement and knowledge, a trait I find the most inspiring. He is so thirsty to learn and loves sharing ideas with people for the mutual pursuit of knowledge. He's the kind of person that you talk with that you walk away feeling better about yourself and so excited to get out and live! And run! (Or try and run. Oh exercise... why must you hurt me so?)

His excitement has made me feel excited again. For the past few weeks I have started to get this cringing complacency crawling across my mind. I've accomplished a good deal recently and I've landed into a rare transitional period where all I have to do is wait until it's time to start my next chapter. Because of that, I've gotten lazier and lazier. It's not so much unmotivated as it is...uncritical satisfaction. I'm satisfied for now because I really can't do anything else but wait for my time to come. It's not quite moving day, not quite time to get back to the U, not quite time. It's a lackluster limbo that has made me painfully complacent.

But as I've been talking with the doctor, I've rediscovered how much I have to do with my life. I feel like I've woken up after these past few weeks. Just because my goals and dreams aren't new to me, doesn't mean they aren't new to someone else or that you can't make them new again for yourself. There is never a good time to stop working hard to chase your dreams, especially if they are finally happen.

Is it just me, or did you never think you'd get to where you are right now? Like, you plan your whole life but the day it begins to happen, it amazes you. You can achieve your dreams in this life? You're allowed to get what you want? When did we all grow up? Time flies and before you know it, you're here. You're on your way, and why not? You deserve your dreams.

I know the feeling of never thinking you'd get to where you are right now. It's amazing to see dreams coming true for yourself and it's also very humbling to see how much work and how many detours it takes to get to your dream. When you're little you anticipate a straight shot to greatness; nobody told us the arrow would be curved. I never thought I'd be a dental assistant. I still can't believe it. I'm a professional person working with real people in real time. But this detour has taught  me so much and prepared me even more for my true calling in life.

Surgeons once worked at McDonalds too before they realized their dream of saving lives. The struggle toward your dreams inherently defies complacency. Take it from me, do not let yourself get complacent because you think you've hit a rest stop. Use this time to pour over your maps for the 700th time, reroute if necessary, and then carry on. Even if you are driving slowly in a desert, you are nearing your paradise faster than you know it.

via Tumblr. Quote by John Green