a calling of sorts

This was the second year that my dear friend and mentor Mr. Larsen, my once Honors English teacher and now friend, has asked me to come teach his Honors English classes about The Great Gatsby. And just like last year, this was my favorite day. This year even more than last year. These Honors students are truly spectacular. They were actively listening to me, they participated and talked with me (even in first period at 8 in the morning, something I can't even say I do in school), and they fought what I said and we came up with new ideas together.

Teachers, back me up on this. There is nothing at all in this world more encouraging and meaningful than when you see a light spark in a student's eyes based on something you've said. Seeing a moment when you say something that can have the power to fundamentally change someone is so incredible. Or seeing someone begin a lecture half listening and ending in rapt attention with a hand in the air, begging to share their ideas with respectful people who will listen to them.

This happened a few times to me today and my heart has never felt more full. I felt comfortable speaking to these kids, but of course there will always be a level of nerve in sharing something that is so vital to you, like this book is for me. And come on, it's High School. For some reason my desire to impress high schoolers has grown exponentially since I was actually in school. I wanted to look pretty so these kids would respect and listen to me. I wanted to seem cool and approachable. I wanted to be heard by the quiet kids who might not ordinarily speak.

I think I was. After each lecture, a good majority of the students came up and thanked me for coming to talk to them. One girl told me that I completely changed her opinion of the book, that she can't wait to read it again. Another told me that I was so funny and that I should come teach at the school. One said I had pretty hair and great style. "You're just so legit! You're so cool! I just looked at my watch and saw that the lecture was ending and got so sad that I couldn't stay and listen to you. Thank you so much for coming."

Teachers, after a day like this, do you go home crying? Because I did. These kids touched me so deeply in my soul and reminded me why reading and English and discussion of ideas is so important. It forges these amazing connections. I love sitting in my English classes and being able to talk freely with my instructors, knowing my ideas are being respected and heard. But being on the other side of that, knowing these kids are soaking up everything I say and sharing in my obsession and letting it morph into their own, is so so cool. Life changing really.

After the teaching was done, Mr. Larsen and I evaluated the day. I expressed my joy at how the day went and assured him I'd be back next year. I also said I hoped I never came off as pretentious or "holier than thou." What he said sort of amazed me. He said he could tell I was self-conscious about coming off as pretentious and that I would never need to worry about feeling that way. He said I had a natural gift for teaching and relating and being. I seemed honest and approachable and open. An expert, but an expert eager to learn and grow with my students.

And then I walked to my car and cried for the entire ride home. I think I've found a calling. I want to reach the world through words on a page and words hand delivered to open ears.

Thank you so much to these students for hearing me today and pushing me. Thank you to Mr. Larsen for being the single most lovely man I know, a true Nick Carraway and a stand up man. Thank you to every single teacher who has respected me and helped me grow. Thank you thank you thank you.

via *

gaga

"So. When I wrote the next song, it was one of the hardest things that I did because, you know, everybody went on about all the clothes, right? And all the makeup and the wigs and 'why does she always cover up?' So I decided I would use this opportunity to tell you why. Because the whole world is watching and what I wanted you to know is that like some of you, which is why I wrote Born this Way, I cared not for success, I cared not if people liked it. I cared only about that even just one person that it might touch. I was willing and will always be willing to risk it all for what I believe in. 

So here I am. The human underneath the wigs.

This is my real hair.

 And the reason for that is because what I was saying was like you, some of you, I've went through some really tough times. And tough times I've never really talked about. And I never talked about it because I didn't feel that I needed to use it for people to like my music. And I won't tell you exactly what it was now because, no need to be a downer, really. But I'm telling you because in order to write ARTPOP, I had to be willing to take off all the wigs and the makeup that I used to cover up the pain. And it's not that I don't love my wigs- I am my hair, obviously- it's just that I used them for a long time to become different people so that when I woke up in the morning and I didn't feel strong enough to be me I just created someone else. And it worked and it will work for all of you whenever you choose to do it. But in order to grow, be a better artist, and to become closer to you I knew I had to show you what's underneath all of the theater. So here I am. In order to get here, I had to climb through a lot of swine."
- Lady Gaga, iTunes Music Festival, September 1, 2013

This right here is why I have been a Gaga fan from day one and why I will continue to be one from here on out. She is real and raw and afraid, like all of us. She's not fake. She believes in what she creates. And look at how beautiful she is, natural and free.

via Tumblr

via Tumblr

This is a new song she wrote for her fans after she broke her hip and was unable to perform. Her passion and love of performance is something of her that has always inspired me and will continue to inspire me. Gaga, I love you. Also, I have been told we look alike. I'll take it.

Please give this song a listen. She is so talented. So beautiful. Let her inspire you too. Lyrics below.

It's off, it's on

The party's just begun

Take off, and run

Let's celebrate the fun of being young

I don't wanna grow up

I don't wanna grow up

But when the lights come on

You lift me up, and I feel strong

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

Lights off, lights on

The music has begun

More light, you run and get the bad guy's gun

I love the songs that you play

And I don't care what they say

Cause I was born this way

When I hear you scream, I hit the top of the stage

Close my eyes, I know exactly who I am

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

No matter what breaks me, I wanna be with you

Art

Creativity is a recessive gene in my family. It's a seed that has planted itself a bit in all of us, but I feel that only a fair few of us have let it fully blossom and erupt into our lives. My uncle Rod is one person who has really dedicated himself to his art. He inspires me with how much he lives and breathes it. He lives and works as an artist and has had shows in New York, all over California, and of course here in Utah. His mediums have changed through the years but his talent has grown enormously.

Three pieces called Please Wait, In Memory Of,
and Counting the Days respectively.

He's greatly inspired by Asian culture and the ocean, which is his second home. He's a surfer and I think I've seen him twice where he wasn't wearing board shorts and flip flops. He's just the coolest, realest person around. And his mind is beautiful. 

Yesterday he had a quaint little art show on the fourth floor of the Salt Lake Public Library, which is seriously the most incredible building. It is itself a piece of art. 

Right now his medium of choice is painting with acrylics on sprawling canvases. His paintings have amazing texture and life inside of them. The movement of the painting, to me, reflects the oceans Rod has explored for years. Here's a glimpse into his mind. 

My favorite piece of his entitled Dedication.

Close up of Dedication.

A Flute with no Holes is Not a Flute

Now That Has Color

For You

Growth

Look at This.
(Side note, that is the title of the piece. Not a command.
But really. LOOK.)

His pieces look like they are made up of fractures of broken stained glass. Or foaming ocean tides. He's amazing. I am in love with his artist's statement on his website too:

"I am afraid of fear!

The moment before I paint, the feelings of fear flood my thoughts. Will the painting turn out? Am I using the right colors? Will I mess up again? These thoughts only last a few seconds. Then the need and excitement to paint takes over. I break through the fog of fear and begin to paint. Now there are no worries of what people think or how they will react to the work. 

The way I paint is a statement to myself of not to be afraid. My art reflects this. 

I am afraid of fear!"

This is perfect. This is how I feel about my writing. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. Incidentally, this is the quote Lady Gaga has tattooed on her arm:

"Confess to yourself in the deepest hour of the night whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. Dig deep into your heart, where the answer spreads its roots into your being, and ask yourself solemnly, Must I write?"

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Rod MUST paint to live. I MUST write to live. Our souls are connected deeply, by more than family blood. We are connected by art. Connect with him too by visiting his website. He has so many gorgeous paintings. You can find him here. 

Side note. Here are some gorgeous pictures of the library. This building, guys.