spring

I listen to movie soundtracks while I put together the soundtrack to my own life.
I beg myself to skip a meal so boys will kiss me harder, touch me longer.
But that's foolish and awful so I eat blueberries until my tongue is numb from sugar and my fingers are stained like lilacs.
I spy on my neighbors in their pretty things, sitting in hammocks and reading Nabokov.
The sun seems too scared of my searing white flesh to touch it for long but the longer I lay in the grass, the more the sun sneaks up on me. I like the lines the sun leaves on me, arrows pointing to all of my hidden skin.
When the weather has tricked us into an early summer, I write the grey days away pouring my own warmth into words.

via *

january 1

I haven't slept in days anticipating your arrival.

You'll be home in a few short sleeps and then where will we be? I think back on us and all we have seen and said and dreamed and lost. That night years ago, the soft April snow, the kiss that never was. In your letters you said it should have been me in high school. You should have kissed me that night. You shouldn't have left even though you had to. I tried to stay neutral because in all honesty, you scare me.

You scare me. You take all of the breath from these hollow lungs.

My best friend, my brother, a boy that I loved to distraction. A boy whose name still splinters in my heart. A boy I've been able to hide from for two years, but now here you come. A boy I loved simultaneously with another boy. A boy I needed and need.

Oh god, what will happen? I can see everything in our past so so clearly. I can see it projected onto the snow where I always see you.

Do you remember the nights in the auditorium? Driving me to that boy's house who hurt me and flashing your lights in his window? Do you remember playing war on my porch? Do you remember my tears falling on that porch?

Drive me to Agloe.