nightlight

It's harder to sleep at night knowing
I'll miss the stars and record players
Spinning in their galaxies,
These orbits outside my window.
Miles above the radiation-
Light years away from memories of
hands and tears nestling into my fingertips.
My shoulders closing in like book covers,
letting my heart be burrowed in my
word soaked ribs.
I curb loneliness with pages.
His spine is gone and yet five spines
have settled in my bed,
peaking at me under pillowcases,
laughing below my calve
and lounging beside me in my sheets.
The stars have the black matter to
nestle inside of but I have
my serpentine spines.
The night wears on and yet sleep
remains a shadow dancing on my wall.
Pages flutter with the breeze sneaking
in through the open window and
rattling the cages the characters share,
begging for stories to be told.
Go to sleep, I whisper, trying to
evaporate into the stars as they
beat against my brain and seconds
hoist their hands on toward daylight.
Another morning coming much too soon.
But I'd rather be tired and inspired,
heart on fire, fingertips wired to the keys,
than retired from the desire to create
and let these people breathe.

via *

solstice

The onset of summer leaves me vibrating and nostalgic like folk music,
the sunset like melting ice cream and honeydew scents
curling in the newly forming blossoms on the trees.

I feel young and small and tired, fallen from the nest too soon.
I feel strong and awake and ready, getting drunk on warming air.
The paradox of 22, too young to not call mother, too old to miss her much.

via *

April come she will

We're getting into the meat of the year now, yeah? Right now I'm hitting the final stretch of the semester, the time when I ask myself if I really need to go to class or if I can afford to sleep in for an extra hour. Guess which has been winning.

April is a pretty month for poetry. Rain and rebirth. I'm excited to taste it all.

My April will feature:

• The return of GAME OF THRONES
• The literature conference I was accepted to is this weekend. Mildly nervous for reading my two pieces. More nervous about finding the right buildings and parking. My irrational fears of being lost or late or looking like an idiot cannot be topped. 
• I'll be returning to my high school to teach Gatsby to some Juniors like I did last year. Cannot. Wait. Hopefully this year I won't have to yell at a kid and tell him he's gonna peak in High School. (oops) 
• More sunny days means more outside study time which is infinitely better than studying inside. That should help my focus, right? One can hope. 

Not too much happening in April, beside my semester ending and 8000 essays I have to write. But then summer. 

I love the prologue of April. What are you excited about this month? What's got you feeling alive and breathing? 

via *

sunshine on a cloudy day.

I have the best readers in the world. No, readers isn't what they are. They are friends. You are all some of my best friends. Is that weird? Is it weird that I feel closer to the lot of you than a lot of my other friends? You're all privy to quite a lot of things that the rest of the world isn't. You make me feel safe in a way that not a lot of people can. So thanks for that.

Anyway, Lovely Lacey nominated me for a Sunshine Award! She's always a ray of happiness so it was only fitting that the award would come from her. Lacey's blog is always so happy and she has the absolute best taste in music. Her playlists at the beginning of the month always get my month started off on a good note (PUNS) She always leaves the nicest comments and is just so beautiful. So beautiful.

So here is this! And here are some rules about the award. 

1. display the award on your blog
2. announce your win with a post and thank the blog who nominated you.
3. post ten interesting things about yourself
4. nominate some other deserving bloggers
5. link your nominees in a post and let them know with a comment

Ten random facts about myself!
1. I used to make up dances to Britney Spears songs in my bedroom. I planned to perform them in front of my family to prove how edgy I was. Thank GOD that never happened.

2. I got pantsed (I don't know how to spell that. Pants were forced off of me? That's worse..) in the third grade by the kid I had a crush on. I'm still not over it.

3. A British man kissed me on my 22nd birthday. All I know about him is that his name was Andy and he was 29. I know I'll never see him again and I find that so perfect and so sad.

4. I feel the need to have huge emotional breakdowns at least every 5 months. I watch or read something that makes me cry, then keep myself crying for two hours until I'm dried out. Then I can function for the next 5 months.

5. I snuck out of my house so much more than my mom thinks I did while I was growing up. I liked taking late night drives. Still do.

6. I have so many scars on my feet from Irish Dancing as a child. All up my legs.

7. I have a pyramid shaped birthmark on my right hand. I like to think it means I was an Egyptian Queen in a past life.

8. The first book I remember hating was Johnny Tremain. I read it in the 5th grade and hated it so much I made my mom read it with me and suffer through it with me.

9. I love watching people type. I think it's amazing that we are all so good at typing that we can look away while we do it and still find the letters. There's a metaphor here. I'll find it.

10. I got in trouble when I worked at Starbucks because a customer found me "too perky." I found out which customer complained and gave him decaf every time I served him after that. Douche bag.

So there's a bit about meeeee :) I like these getting to know you posts.

Here's some people I'd love to get to know more about.

The Emerald Dove: This pretty lady is my pen pal :) She's the cutest and so smart. She has her life so together and the best fashion sense. I adore her.

Allerdings: Always the most delicate and honest writing. She was one of the first blogs that I found and I've been obsessed ever since.

A Day in the Life: Shelby has become seriously my best friend since we met each other through blogging. Luckily we live close so we have become real life friends. She's the best and I want everyone to know it. I have so much fun with her and her pictures CANNOT be stopped. Obsessed. Best Friend.

As Far as The Eye Can See: S has the most beautiful way with words. This was another of the very first blogs I found and whenever she posts, it's the first thing I read. I cannot get over her talent or how beautiful she is. I cannot.

Thanks again to beautiful Lacey :)

liebster round 2

You beautiful souls are far too kind to me. I've been nominated for a Liebster award again! Twice! One of the nominations was a little bit ago and I'm horrible and never did it. I'm so sorry Erin! Here are the answers.

I was nominated by Erin from Take Comfort Project and also by Rachel from Deleting the Adjectives. And here is a link to my first Liebster

Since I've done this award once before, I'll forgo listing facts about me and get right into answering the questions from these beautiful ladies.

Erin's Questions-

1. What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
I hardly ever eat breakfast but when I do, I love breakfast sandwiches. Gimme a bagel with some eggs, cheese, and bacon and I'm a happy girl. Also yogurt and granola. Just. I love food.

2. What's your favorite hot beverage?
Venti Chai with three pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup. Tastes like Thanksgiving night with family surrounding you. Tasty and comforting. Starbucks. Gettin it.

3. What's your favorite animal?
I love my dogs beyond words. But also dolphins, seals, otters. Sea life. One time when I was five I went to the aquarium in Alaska and a seal came up to the glass I was staring into and put it's flipper against my hand and just sort of stared at me for a few minutes before swimming away. I feel connected to the sea.

4. Tell me about the first place to visit in the state you live in?
When you come to Utah, the first place I'd probably take you would be a drive up Ogden Canyon. We have wonderful canyons up here and getting lost in them is my favorite thing. I love SLC and I adore my city but let me take you in my car with the windows down. Welcome.

5. What is one of your favorite movies?
Oh my god so many. Right now, I've found myself watching Midnight in Paris about once a week. Y'all know my feelings about Fitzgerald. But I feel like I've been misplaced through time. I belong in the expatriate lost generation. This movie is the closest I will get.

6. What is one of your big life goals?
Living in the UK. Being successful writing and working for a theater company in the UK. Surrounded by accents. Mmmm.

7. How many countries have you been to?
Not a lot yet :( I've been to Canada, which was gorgeous. And the great USA!

8. Do you like the beach or mountains more?
UGH Can't I have both? I want Seattle with rocky shores and miles of canyon to drive through. I live in the mountains so I see them all the time. I love them to bits but I'm missing the beach. It's been far too long since I've been.

9. How many siblings do you have?
Ma sister Leah. She is 31 and lives in Texas. She's a jerk and I love her. I have a smattering of step siblings too.

10. Describe your personal style in three words.
Moody, eclectic, feminine.

11. Tell me some of your favorite song lyrics.
THIS question is phenomenal. Lyrics can say so much can't they? Oof ok. I'll pick a current three.

1. When you talk it's like a movie and  you're making me crazy/ cause life imitates art./ If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?/ You tell me life isn't that hard. - Lana del Rey, Gods and Monsters

2. When our lives are over and all that remains/ are our skulls and bones let's take it too the grave/ And hold me in your arms, hold me in your arms/ I'll be buried there with you./ And I'll hold in these hands, all that remains. - Bastille, Skulls (Just this entire song.)

3. And I'll never go home again/ (place the call, feel it start)/ favorite friend/ (And nothing's wrong but nothings true)/ I live in a hologram with you/ Where all the things that we do for fun/ (And I'll breathe and it goes)/ Play along/ (Make believe it's hyper real)/ But I live in a hologram with you. - Lorde, Buzzcut Season

YAY! Now for Rachel's questions!

1. Let's hear your elevator pitch. Who are you and what do you blog about?
Hi I'm Emma Jane and I write a lot. I share a lot of personal stories. I love poetry and pretty words. I always strive for honesty and I'd like to think that I always remain brutally honest. The best blog comment I've received about my writing was "There is something almost uncomfortable about reading these things of yours- as if I've stumbled upon a private journal but can't stop reading. In a good way. I mean that in a really good way." I like that. I want it to be private and revealing and moving and me.

2. What inspires you?
People, pain, art. A lot. Those three are big. My interactions with other people.

3. Where are you from and what are your favorite things about that place? 
I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah and I adore it. I love the mountains, I love feeling them around me on all sides. It makes me feel protected. I love the streets in this city. I love that it feels like a big city but it is so manageable. It's not sprawling like New York, but it's big enough to explore and play in. We have good bars and a great indie theater and bookstore scene. And some great curry and coffee shops. I love SLC.

4. What is your biggest indulgence?
Fooooood. And people. Males. Of the seven deadly sins, mine is lust.

5. What are your thoughts on soul mates?
I think it's a wonderful opportunity for word play. Soul vs. sole mates. Do I believe in a one true love? Yes. Do I think they necessarily match up with each other at all times? Not at all. I believe that someone could be YOUR true love but it doesn't mean you are theirs. But love is so consuming. People who care can make it work if they try hard enough and want it. But also. Sometimes it dies. I have a lot of thoughts on this.

6. What music do you have on repeat lately?
Bastille Bastille Bastille. For months. Flawless. Flawless Flawless.

7. Do you believe time travel is possible? If so, where would you go?
Well I believe in books so that is technically time travel. I would go to 1920s France and write. ALSO I gotta pop by Tudor England and chill with Anne Boleyn.

8. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement thus far?
Everything I've ever written and seen a response to. I've been so lucky to have my writing so well received and supported. I've tried to always write something I will be proud of and I'm proud of everything. I work hard damn it! I consider that an achievement.

9. Who or what will you be in your next lifetime?
A ballet dancer, please.

10. What blogs do you recommend? 
See my left sidebar. I love love love all of those and I cannot speak highly enough of those girls or their words.

11. Where are you going?
Everywhere.

but a word is a bottomless pit

Everything evaporates slowly in an unseasonably warm spring. Firetrucks aren't as red as they once were. Pain isn't nearly as incapsulating in the physical realm. But the pain of the tattoo gun pressing against your cerebellum is what traps you and makes you scream. They'll all leave eventually. They'll leave and you'll be stuck here, glowing finally but glowing alone. You're a neon sign with one letter flashing in helpless murder of a perfect word. Closed becomes close. Close becomes lose. It's all breaking apart just as it's coming together. Syntax and diction are crawling under your nailbeds and what are you doing instead? You nap and you cry, you drink and you fuck. You scream, you laugh, you finally leave your bed just as everyone else heads home. He was British and he wanted you. He was British and you left him standing on a street corner with your dreams clawing at his belt buckle. Home alone on the kitchen floor, that small ice cream drip from last week is sitting right beneath your cheek but you're too drunk to care. This warm spring took all of the fight right out of you. What's left? That lonely drip of ice cream on the unwashed kitchen floor. That smell of him dusted on your clothes. The bloody hope that all this isn't for nothing.

via *

22 today

16

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22

All age 22 photos by beautiful Shelby Richins

How I've changed. Happy birthday, little girl.