cookie cutter

Weeks of rain led to dripping lightning
and sugar cookies, lovely with roses.
He smiled and my heart bloomed;
I owed myself some bravery.

I organized my words like the outline
of a puzzle, working to connect the
skyline before the center can become clear.
Truth tastes better dipped in tea.

His fingers spread across the table top,
I ached to join mine with his, create
a paper doll chain of two before his hands moved.
The cookie remained uneaten, the tea growing cold.

Deeper words came flying out as
he watched the crumbs on my plate,
licking his lips as I dipped my finger
from the frosting to my teeth.

The broken cookie broke his heart
while mine finally unloaded.
The past was long, full of twists.
I needed more time to make mistakes.

I needed to earn someone with a soul of silver,
lips I imagine taste like sugar crumbles
to match the rosebuds that
grow on my cupid's bow.

Again I've said too much, fingers
typing faster than thoughts can fly.
working to close the gap with every word.
My life has never been cookie cutter perfect.

But I'm willing to wait.

Be Prolific Series Announcement

I have been incredibly lucky to build quite a large circle of artists through this blog. I have met some incredible poets, writers, painters, designers, musicians, and everything else under the sun through this blog. If you need some suggestions of some real talent, check out my left sidebar- a few of my favorite creators.

I am also incredibly lucky to live in a city that celebrates art so much. Salt Lake City, Utah has an incredible arts scene and some ASTOUNDING talent! I love seeing what these people are creating around me and seeing it influence my own work.

I love sharing my poetry and flash fiction on my blog. Thank you to all of my readers for supporting me and leaving such amazing comments. I am so lucky to have fallen into this community and to let my craft grow on this platform. And now I want to expand what I share with you.

I want the readers of this blog to get a glimpse into the art world of Salt Lake City. I want you all to see how talented these people are, whether you are from Salt Lake of from very far away. There is art happening here that shouldn't be missed and lessons these artists can share that are so important.

I've been reaching out to the artistic community of SLC to set up interviews with artists of every medium. I'll be interviewing photographers, painters, dancers, actors, poets, musicians, anyone who will speak to me about what they create. I'll be posting their interviews and glimpses of their work on this blog in a series I am calling "Be Prolific" a sound bite I got from my very first interview.

I am so excited to start this project and so excited to share this art with you. I can't wait for you to see a part of my world, my lovelies. Let's create and learn together.

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moments of clarity

Beautiful Meg just wrote a beautiful post about the types of movies she likes to watch; ones that make her think and ponder about life. "My movies take their time. My movies are simple and they are quiet and they are beautiful in a way that sneaks up on me and causes the breath to catching my throat." There Meg goes again, her words nailing my thoughts exactly. Hi Meg, I love you.

This weekend I had the incredibly joy and honor to go see a short film made by an incredibly talented local director, Ebrahim Ghaeini. His short entitled Moments of Clarity was exactly the type of film that Meg was talking about, a film that sank deep into my skin and took over my brain matter while I was watching it and for a long time after. I'll spare you a plot summary, mostly because the feelings I felt are much deeper than the plot covers, something I think that speaks to a great director and a great film. Also, I'd hate to color the opinions and conclusions that you would come to when you see the film by giving you my synopsis of the film. This film was tailor made to allow for the viewer to inset themselves and their own story inside of the work. Adore adore adore.

via Moments of Clarity Facebook Page

The director of this film, the actors, the crew, the astounding artist who drew 30 different and delicate portraits of the character Claire, are all passionate artists. They stood before us at this screening and their passion was just seething off of them. In the way they talked about the process of filming, the way they gave their opinions about the film's meaning(s), even just in the way they thanked the people who attended the screening or donated to their kickstarter, you can taste their passion and the care they have for this film. That passion cannot be learned or taught, it runs through your skin. They had it and their film showed that. (Also, Natalia Noble who played Claire had GREAT style. That jacket was on point. Just... the entire crew looked great. Beautiful people. Hi.)

One of the greatest themes I found threading itself through this film was what the life of an artist means and how the brains of artists work. The fictional artists in this film have that same "passion to the point of obsession" mental mechanism as the creators of this film and of artists in general. Jason works and draws portrait after portrait of this woman (who may or may not be real), creating representation after representation of the perfect person, the perfect work of art.

Don't we all do that as artists? I've written poem after poem, sentence after sentence, trying to capture the people I see and love around me in the most perfect way I can. I slave over syntax and metaphor trying to find the perfect one for the person I'm writing about. "This person is a vacuum.. no that's not right, he's a black hole. That sounds better. This person, with his beautiful hands and emotive eyes, he  is something else. Not cavernous space, but something just as heavenly. What are his words?" We hunt and hunt for the perfect shade of paint to capture lover's eyes, the perfect words to hint at how deeply we feel and regret a kiss we never received; we lace our lives with the hunt for the perfect words for these people we make perfect in our minds.

This film reminded me a lot of one of my favorite novels, Paper Towns by John Green. They both flirt with what I think to be one of the most far-reaching and important lines in that novel: "What a treacherous thing to believe a person is more than a person."

Now, although I remain unconvinced that Claire is a real person in the movie, I think what she represents as a manifestation of an artistic muse or idea is much more powerful than what a real person could ever be. And THAT, my lovelies, is what an artist is always hunting for. The people we love become so much deeper and bigger in the pedestals of our brains. It's less scary to love a fictional person because we are in charge of how they act toward us. We make fictional people out of every single person in our lives because their story wraps into ours, we see them through our own filter. How terrifying is that prospect? The person you spend months talking with and dreaming of has as many emotions, worries, and faults as you have. That's overwhelming. It would be much easier to stay solo and write yourself the perfect person, adapted from life into fiction.

Too bad hands clasping feels much better than a pen against a palm. Too bad two bodies curving against each other feels infinitely more pure and vital than unspooling words from your nail beds. Art and life must co-habitate to form a beautifully flawed person instead of false representations of selective traits tailor-made to the artist. Reaching that balance is a gorgeous feeling. There is your aspiration, there is your life, not the perfect representation of something that doesn't exist. A person is a person, after all.

This film brought me clarity and the ending cleansed the entire film, a baptism of new life and a new creative journey. Watching this film is a journey and thinking these big and wonderful thoughts about humanity is a beautiful journey I invite you all to take. To the cast and crew of this film, thank you so much for sharing your passion on screen and for letting us all be witness to this beautiful work.

If you ever have a chance to see this film, loves, please please do. It is so gorgeous to watch and just as gorgeous to think your way through.

Here are some important links and such to the film. Spread the artistic love :)
Moments of Clarity Website
Moments of Clarity Facebook
Moments of Clarity Kickstarter
Blooming Studios Production Company



Moments of Clarity - Official Trailer from Blooming Studios on Vimeo.

5.16.15

He unplugged his guitar and stepped off the stage, asking the entire audience to come stand around him as he played. As he played and sang, I could picture him so clearly in a studio apartment, liquor at his side, penning these words into a private notebook. There's something alive in the calm strumming of folk songs, an understanding of the inherent melancholy and hope wrapped up in human life. Maybe that's why it's my favorite; I feel like I understand that too. 

I love watching musicians play, when their feet start stamping uncontrollably like the melodies are curling up their legs. Or when their face scrunches up and you know they are reliving what inspired the song on the edge of their minds. The air around musicians is magic and bright. Their hands move me in ways that make my own hands grasp at themselves with excitement, anticipation, emotion. I was never blessed with music, but I'll consider myself lucky every time I see it live. 

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a matter of truth

I think I've discovered some of the biggest secrets in life right here, shoved into my pillow case. There are some truths out there that are so seemingly obvious, so simple that they almost become a cliche. Cliches don't have a lot of respect in this world but they are cliched for a reason, right? Sometimes being reminded of those simple truths could save a life or fix a broken heart.

Here are some of the simple truths I have discovered recently. I hope that some of these can help you too.

You have to love yourself and you have to love others. At the end of the day, all we have is humanity and our fellow man. Human beings are capable of profound feelings that I will never begin to understand, but watching the insanity that is a human existence unfold before your eyes is a gift that deserves to be treasured. Treasure each other and treasure history. History matters because for all of these years on this Earth, those people who have come before you have cried like you, laughed like you, screamed like you, bled like you. Learn their feelings and empathize with those struggles. Go to those places that are screaming with history and soak it all in because the tens of millions of people that have passed through this Earth deserve that respect and our thirst for knowledge. We are all humans and that needs to be respected and loved.

Love yourself. Please, know how lovely and good you are and can be. The potential you hold in your fingertips could build empires or crumble everything into ruins. You can be unstoppable and beautiful. Help yourself down that path toward beauty and creation by loving your body and your skin and your mind. Have fun in this life and have fun in your skin.

Do not let anyone destroy you without your consent. Here is the biggest secret I have learned, my loves: You are in charge of who is in your life and at what capacity. YOU pick who surrounds you and what energy you let in. The Daisy Buchanan's in this world are gorgeous and they offer you pretty things. When a Daisy shines their eyes across you, it is easy to feel special and singled out but I promise you that you mean nothing to them. If someone tells you they are horrible or careless, believe them. They most likely mean it. And if they don't, what a horrible and juvenile lie for attention.

I went through a break up recently that was needless and cruel but it changed me so completely. I feel as though it made me more empathetic and less so. Less patient and more patient. Lovelies, you are not required to keep venomous people in your life. I felt so destroyed by being in this relationship that I just sort of... remained because I felt too small to leave. That was a horrible lesson but I'm grateful for it. You get to control how venomous people are in your life. YOU. You decide if you make the frightening decision to make it their responsibility to change or if you are smart and adult enough to suck their poison from your life. You get to decide how to live and change.

Change is so hard, I know. But if you know what to do, change. Let that rush drive you against a wall and suffer if you have to but I promise you that everything will get better and you will be ok. Don't let yourself stay miserable. Choose to move on. If you don't, remember your life and your misery is on you and nobody else. Life is too beautiful to miss out on because someone gives you such horrific anxiety that you can't eat for five months or because someone makes you feel small.

Fill your lungs with air, breathe in and out, and love. Love until your heart is full to bursting. Then fill it even more.

I love you. So so much.

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What They Were to Me

A night of milkshakes and split latex.

A wasted wedding in all senses,

A tired and slipping drive home,

The smell of cigarettes buried in my hair

follicles, broken air conditioners.

Unanswered messages and easy

Conversations gone silent after

Confessions of President’s Day.

One night in summer snow watching

Deer skirt past the truck.

Casual coffee. Nothing serious.

Awkward movie nights with

Christ on the walls watching.

Wiffle balls and baseball bats.

Midnight walks in small towns.

Lost socks, broken shoes, laundry.

Broken ribs and suffocation. Suffocation.

A jacket shoved in the back of a closet.
A pot of flames burning memories
one by one, realizing how small he made me.

Moving forward. Drinks in bars.
Memories of two years of different men.
Different hair, different skin.
In my bed, my skin. And in the end-
I am better for it, even alone.

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