fall back

Monday, September 23

i felt the fall air today
for the first time this year.
summer set,
fall tiptoed in through
the back door,
almost unnoticed.

she brushed past the kitchen,
she strayed down the stairs,
she gussied up in the mirror in the hall.

she didn't knock as she
pushed in sideways through
my bedroom door,
barely clearing the crack.

i sighed in my sleep,
briefly stirring as she
kissed my forehead
and held my hand.

"everything is starting again,
my love. everything will change.
everything will grow as
the leaves drift down to sleep
on loamy, grassy beds.
the pieces will fall back into place,

your heart will heal and mend,
as the summer sun will end."

i smiled at her speech,
the kindness in her eyes.
"don't take too long, dear fall,
to bring my pieces back to me.
my bed is cold.
i don't want to feel the
winter chill
without his hand."

"winter was lonely and long,
spring was all pastels,
garish and sad.
summer was rash and hollow,
full of reminders and regret.
but i, my love, i blow the
leaves about, clear the dust
from strained and aching eyes.

fall is your shelter,
fall will bring you peace,
fall makes it all fall back,
the puzzle in your head and heart
finally solved.

sleep now, dear heart,
and do not dread the cold.
until your heart is back in his hand,
my hand won't leave your side."

as i slept
she brushed my hair,
sang me mountain hymns of
sprites and kings,
lionhearts and their maidens.

i dreamt of my lionheart,
our chilly days past
and future, falling into place
in her crisp gaze.

welcome fall.

via *

Thanks Triple-A Travis

Sunday, September 22

My weekend in a picture.
via *
I took another drive this weekend, but I wasn't alone. It was quite an event leading up to this drive. What a wonderful Friday.

I went back to dear old Davis to see the annual Night of Shakespeare. I was incredibly excited to see the show since I've been coaching some of the kids this last week. They were amazing! They knew the text, they knew the emotion, they knew Shakespeare. Breath was being given to these characters from the souls of these teenagers and I was breathing it in like a drug. I love seeing Shakespeare performed well. Luckily, so does my theater teacher. Holla.

I went with Niki and Ally and when we got to the show, our dear old friend Christine and Tucker came in! Tucker and I have this thing where we always end up on Tumblr or Facebook at three in the morning talking about music and boys. He's for real the best and it was so great to finally be real life friends instead of just internet friends. After the show ended, Niki, Ally, Tucker, and I went to Ihop so I could wade in a vat of red velvet pancakes and hashbrowns while we talked about our romantic lives, or lack thereof, and reminisce about the past. The conversation continued into the Walmart, Allison's grandma's garage, and then finally in my car in the Davis High parking lot.

The minutes fled quickly that night with the windows down and the slow September breeze fanning us gently as we laughed and remembered. A lot of topics were covered, Tucker got to kiss a girl for the first time (sup Tucker.), and eventually Niki and Ally drifted on home leaving Tucker and I for more conversation... and a dead car battery. WHOOPS. But it was cool because I had amazing company, a few year's worth of stories to share, and Travis from AAA. It took a whopping three seconds for him to fix my battery and then to be told "don't turn the car off for 20 minutes." Deal, Travis. Deal. I hijacked Tucker and our drive up the mountain began.

I turned each street with ease, years of driving this path under my belt. I drove where I always go when Ogden Canyon is too far, but home is too close. I've driven this route crying, laughing, singing, smiling. Tonight I drove it thinking and sharing music with a wonderful friend. I asked his advice about my life, he asked me opinions of his personality (TUCKER GIRL YOU FABULOUS) and we shared melancholy melodies in the night. When I finally took Tucker home, everything felt easier and settled. The drive was cathartic, the conversation better. I love talking. I love listening. I love learning and sharing. Hearing different opinions about the happenings in your life will never not be helpful, just as that sentence will never not be dreadful. Or accurate.

I got into bed at 4 in the morning feeling so exhausted but so hopeful and buzzing with good vibes. It's nice to lay in bed at night, especially that late and still find yourself giggling about what happened that night, the people you ran into, the people you ignored, the memories you shared. Nostalgia is like a drug. I guess it's just up to you if you make it a happy drug, or a debilitating one.

Postcards from Home: 1

Friday, September 20

I've wanted to talk about how much I love my little hometown for a long time. So when Natalia from Elan the Blog talked about doing a series of posts about her favorite spots in her hometown, I was inspired to put my little project into action. I love Kaysville so much and no matter how big city my dreams are, this little haven will always be my hometown. It's everyone's hometown; it's even called Utah's hometown, which I would agree with. Out of every city in Utah I have visited, nothing feels more welcome and historic and lovely than my little K-Town.

To start with my spotlights of some of my favorite places here, I knew exactly where I wanted to talk about first. It is the center of Main Street in Kaysville and a place I have loved forever.

I love our little theater. It costs $2 on weeknights and $3 on the weekend. It shows movies a few months after they have been running on the big screens at the main theaters. They come here for their last gasp before DVDs plop into the nearest Redbox or pop into your Netflix instant watch. I know the owners of this theater through all of the theater I did in High School and I love catching people I know when they take my ticket or scoop my popcorn into a bag for me. It is the quintessential small town hang out. Everyone knows everyone, everyone smiles at each other. 

My first field trip was to this theater in the first grade. We watched Doug the Movie and afterward we all got a little piece of film reel to take home with us. I remember how amazing it was to hold the film up toward the light and see the images printed there, not quite understanding that THIS was what I just watched on the screen, that all of the pieces of film revolved at warp speed to create a seamless moving picture. We got free popcorn courtesy of the popcorn shop right next door, and we were warned about the dangers of bringing outside food into a movie theater. It was enthralling. 

In the lobby of the theater, they keep a sort of display of old film equipment and their concession stand is the only theater concessions stand in the world where buying popcorn doesn't feel like spending enough money to buy gas. It tastes better too, but maybe that's because the air is right. The people are right. This old theater is right.

I've had family adventures here, date nights from heaven and from hell. I've even come here alone many times (mostly while Gatsby was playing) and sat alone in the back of the small theater to watch my favorites for the 7th time. It's ten minutes from my house and so full of memories and community love. That's the real reason I keep coming back. It's a Kaysville tradition, just like having the entire audience say "EWWWWWWW" during the classic 80s commercial about keeping the theater clean that features the disgusting shoe stepping in gum after failing to keep his trash neat and tidy and off of the theater floor. Ironically, the floor of the Kaysville theater seems to be constantly covered in popcorn. I love it. 

Some people have home theaters in their houses. My home theater is down the block. 

she has a sparkling personality

Wednesday, September 18

via *
For as long as I can remember, I've loved horoscopes and personality tests; anything that let me get a glimpse into my soul or my future. Any clues about who I am and how to unravel my mind. Any cosmic help for any situations I may find myself in. Love them all.

A week or so back Vaida on her gorgeous blog Don't Tell Anyone Arts posted about a personality test she took as part of her Blogtember challenge. I jumped at the chance to get an in depth look at my personality.

The test is based on Carl Jung's and Isabel Briggs Myers analysis of personalities. You can find the quiz here. After taking the quiz it directs you to a plethora of information about you. I'd love to see your results so if you do take this quiz, be sure to let me know. I love getting to know people this way. ALSO I found a Harry Potter character map where you can find out which Harry Potter character you are based on your results. Find that here! I am Dumbledore. So. Doing great.

Here are my results:

ENFJ: Extravert Intuitive Feeling Judging
I have a slight (11%) preference of Extroversion to Introversion.
I have a moderate preference (38%) of Intuition over Sensing.
I have a distinct preference (62%) of Feeling over Thinking. (Which explains a lot.)
I have a marginal or no preference (1%) of Judging over Perceiving.

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

My info from the Harry Potter chart says: 

The Teacher. Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in others, want to help them fulfill it. May act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. Provides inspiring leadership.

Sounds excellent to me! I'll take it! Also Johnny Depp and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are also ENFJs. In good company. 

Let me know your results if you take this test! I loved all of this information, especially knowing being a teacher is in my personality. One step closer to being a professor :) 

drive fast, wind in my hair

Monday, September 16

My favorite place to be in the fall is behind the wheel of my car. Whether I'm alone or with a co pilot, I love leaving the world flying behind my car as I soar through a mountain pass. Ever since I turned 16 I've seen my car as a portal to freedom and a place to go for solace. Winter is hard since I don't want to drive through mountains as much in the snow. It's also essential that these drives have the windows down and that can be quite challenging in the frigid air. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it. It's just not the same as it is in the fall.

I love being brushed by the stinging autumn air while I blast my music, singing until my vocal chords are a tangle in my throat, my lungs burning with release. I like driving in Ogden Canyon. Any canyon really. Give me a place where I can feel alone from people but connected to nature and bonded to the road.

I like seeing the world around me spinning out of control as my mind tries to get a handle on its emotions and thoughts. This month has been a mess and I needed to let go and drive away from life for a while.

It felt nice to escape reality for a while. It's always hard to come back, though. I could just drive on forever. 

a small voice with large sentiment

Hello beautiful people.

For lack of better words, it has been a pretty hellacious few days here. My tightrope has been shaking quite a bit and my footing has fallen quite a few times. I'm still missing him like crazy, it feels like my internship will never end, a dear friend of mine is struggling with a break up (sends every hug in the world), and I just found out my grandmother was just diagnosed with cancer. So, this weekend could have been better.

There were a few bright sides this weekend, though. For one thing, my grandmother is just fine. She doesn't feel like it's her time or that it's anything to fret much over. She's still planning a cruise this February with my grandfather and she will be in Europe this summer come hell or high water. She's a soldier. I think I'm probably more upset than she is. I just don't like hearing about cancer in the fam. That hit my clan hard a few years ago and it always shocks my system. But if she's not worried, I'll try to not worry as well. But all good vibes are welcome her way.

Bright side two, a dear dear (I'm saying it Shelby) BEST friend of mine is staying in town and we get to live together :) I'm breaking the news. I'm excited. So thrilled. This girl has become a rock for me. I love you.

Bright side three. I had been missing my favorite bracelet and I found my favorite shirt missing yesterday. I was already emotional so I was just over the edge here you guys. BUT I found both my shirt and my bracelet.

Bright side four. You will never know how much it means to me to have you read my blog. This place is seriously the safest place I feel I have. I can say anything I want here and I love that I've created a home for my words here. The fact that some of you take a few moments out of your day to check in on my small corner of the internet means more to me than I can express in words. So here is just a little thank you from me. In hard times, the little encouragements I find in the comments or in direct emails light up my world. Today I got an email telling me my writing inspired them. But it's you that inspire me. Thank you so much for being here for me. I love you all with my whole heart.

Here's to a bright week ahead full of sun and moon xx

via *

warm visions

Sunday, September 15

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I have a mere two weeks of my internships left. Two weeks until I can get back to my life. Two weeks until I can stop living for others and begin life for myself. Mr. Larsen told me a few weeks back that there is only so much a person can take of sitting in the used grey shadows of the dreams of others before their own dreams come busting forth too powerful to contain.

Life keeps inching forward toward happiness and growth and it's giving me warm visions for the future. You are in every single vision. Every night as the moon crests the mountains and life gets clearer and closer to the finish line of September, your face eases in to my mind like ink rushing across a page. Our hazy grey days keep swimming in my mind and brimming across my eyelids in steady waterfalls.

My inconstant moon- just out of reach- is keeping me up at night. I'll take the moon's indirect gaze until it is ready to warm my nights with it's silver grey light. I feel big things coming. I feel the moon pulling my hand forward like the tides.

Autumn Tag

Saturday, September 14

I was tagged by the gorgeous Lauren found at The Emerald Dove to take part in the autumn tag! She is fabulous and has perfect taste in everything. Go love her. And you can see the original post over on Georgina's blog Makeup Pixi3. There are links to a bunch of the other tag answers that I loved reading. Thanks Georgina for starting the tag!

So let's get down to tag business!

Here are the questions:

For Autumn, what is your...
1. Favorite thing about it?
2. Favorite drink?
3. Favorite scent/candle?
4. Best lipstick?
5. Go to moisturizer?
6. Go to colors for eyes?
7 Favorite music or band/singer to listen to?
8. Favorite outfit to wear
9. Autumn treat (i.e. a new scarf or bag you have your eye on)
10. Favorite place to be?

1. Favorite thing about it?
I love how new it all feels. The crisp air renews my dedication and my zest for life. I adore summer but sometimes heat drags me down too deep. I love the grey rain clouds rolling in and leaving red leaves behind them as the season changes. I love weather that is slightly melancholic. It makes me feel all artistic and inspired :)
via WeHeartIt
2. Favorite drink?
I love working in a coffee shop in the winter and fall because all of the fun seasonal drinks come back. My favorite drink is for sure a chai with a pump of pumpkin spice. Chai is such a warm flavor and having a dash of pumpkin spice gives it a hint of the pumpkin flavor without killing it with sweetness. It is perfect. Also. So is this.
via SomeECards
3. Favorite scent/candle?
Favorite scent is the working in a coffee shop smell. From autumn until winter is over, it is always a bit busier and everyone is so happy to have their peppermint and pumpkin spice. I love the smell of steamed soy milk so much. That smells like fall to me. Someone make me that candle.

4. Best lipstick?
I really love Revlon Rich Girl Red. It's really a red that pops without being overpowering.
She is wearing it here.
via BeautyTidbits
5. Go to moisturizer? 
I don't really switch moisturizers based on seasons. My skin is finicky about product change so I stick with my Clean and Clear Advantage oil free Acne Control Moisturizer. It feels so good and smells like a clean baby.

6. Go to color for eyes?
I have been obsessively using an Ulta eye palate all year. But I've recently become obsessed with the color called Social Climber. It's a really dark smokey brown with some sparkle to it. Very much like the leaves in the fall.
via Ulta
7. Favorite music?
My music already is pretty fall sounding I think. I listen to mostly indie folk and acoustic anyway which is perfect for fall. But right now I've been obsessively listening to Mumford and Sons. I've had a very tough time lately and my favorite band always helps. And they just are made for fall. Also every season.

8. Favorite outfit to wear?
I live for wearing my boots and slouchy knit hats. Boots for days, yo. And scarves. Also leggings and dresses. It's all my favorite. But boots are where my heart is.

9. Autumn treat for myself?
I am severely lacking money right now for new treats but I would love some more boots and slouchy sweaters :) So, anyone wanna donate money to my fashion cause?

10. Favorite place to be?
I love taking drives in the mountains in the fall. Driving in my car is the greatest solace I could experience and in the winter, I am unable to take long drives for a few months, which often leaves me moody and feeling really boxed in. It's important on my big car rides that I'm able to have my windows open so in September and October I take advantage of the last few snow free days here and let the wind blow me around the mountains up here. 
Took this on my drive today. For real, nature?

YAY fall! I tag everyone to do this. We clearly all love fall and I'd love to know all of your favorites :)

red dress

Thursday, September 12

I wore my new red dress that night.

I had hearts in my tights that were
imprinted on my legs til morning.

It was the fifth time
seeing you.

I fell in love
time two.

I needed you
time five.
You wore the outfit of
our first date.

You wore it often,
it becoming synonymous 
with that snowy chill,
the freezing November air that
held us captive in your headlights.

Tonight you held me captive
in your eyes.
We gingerly skated toward 
the hot tub,
the most you had seen of my curves
thus far.

We stayed in til our 
heads were buzzing
and our noses were red. 

You held my hand as we 
walked back into the warm
glowing house.

I slipped my red dress back on,
My body still damp from the tub.
The dress with the open back,
where you kept your hand all night.
The tights with hearts
pouring down my legs.

have you heard this?

Wednesday, September 11

It is ridiculous how much I love this song. I have been fighting the Miley love so so hard. First We Can't Stop was my guilty pleasure, then the VMAs lost me for a hot second. But this. This is perfection. Perfection. Why is this song my week? Give this a listen. Finally she chose to show off her voice, with feeling and power. And utter honesty.

I love the video. So much symbolism I could die. Mmm. Pain is deliciously addictive, girl. You lick that sledgehammer.

I understand this too. I understand how hard it is to try and battle all of these demons without hurting those closest to you. When I feel like the rest of my world is collapsing and misunderstanding me, I destroy the one beautiful thing I have in my life. I never mean to hurt that person, but I always accidentally throw them out of my life. I am so sorry. I hate that I do this. I am so sorry. The most I can do is try to piece us back together after my storm has passed.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why.
We kissed, I feel under your spell
A love no one could deny.

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you.
I can't live a lie, running for my life,
I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,
I never hit so hard in love.
All I wanted was to break your walls
all you ever did was wreck me.
Yeah you wreck me.

I put you high up in the sky,
and now you're not coming down.
It slowly turned, you let me burn
and now we're ashes on the ground.

Don't you ever say I just walked away,
I will always want you.
I can't live a lie, running for my life,
I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,
I never hit so hard in love.
All I wanted was to break your walls,
all you ever did was wreck me.
Yeah you wreck me.
I came in like a wrecking ball,
Yeah I just closed my eyes and swung,
Left me crouching in a blazing fall,
All you ever did was wreck me,
yeah you wreck me.

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should have let you win.
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in.
And instead of using force,
I guess I should have let you win.

Don't you ever say I just walked away,
I will always want you.

I came in like a wrecking ball,
I never hit so hard in love.
All I wanted was to break your walls,
all you ever did was wreck me.

Flashback: December

Tuesday, September 10

The wall of steam pushed against me as hard as you did the moment I came through the door. In your ice box apartment you stood in a towel, dripping on the floor, laughing as you pulled me close. The droplets of water kissed my nose as you kissed my neck. You untied the bow around my waist. You undid my buttons. I slid my coat off and slid onto the couch as you stepped into the kitchen turning back over your shoulder toward me, a half moon smile lighting across your face. Your smile was turquoise that night. It illuminated me.

The music cradled my back as I laid across the love seat, aptly named. Hand in hand on that seat we fought off zombies and doubts. I fed you soup when you were ill, you rubbed my back as I cried. I confessed my shame to your open arms and confessed my love tucked into your chest. Our first date ran long on that seat; our last night cut short. I couldn't see how it would all end as I lay there that night, rocking with the music waiting for my moon to rise again.

You turned the corner again, this time in tight jeans, shirt slung across your back. I could taste the memory forming on my lips, sliding through my spine, stored in the memory card in my brain. You were perfect that night. Your eyebrow rose as you crossed in front of me into the bathroom. I had a perfect view of your flexing back as you brushed your teeth and mussed your hair. With your hands pressed straight into the sink, your shoulder blades kissed, your skin tugged tight. I could see us across the country, hidden away from it all, years from now. I loved you hard and fast in that instant.

I see you so clearly that night on the love seat. I'm still on that love seat, waiting for the new moon to pull back into my sky.

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Monday, September 9

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smatterings of thought

Sunday, September 8

-I'm having a hard time motivating myself to continue interning where I am working/ interning in general. I feel like I gave the assisting thing a shot and it's just not where I want to be. at all. I loved the people in my first internship. the people at my second one are distant and guarded and have offered no help. I don't need mch. but some direction would be nice. The days drag. I only have something like two weeks left but every morning I feel like I cannot possibly make it.

-I miss someone and I don't know how to fix that. Advice? Do I call them? Text them a well intentioned message wishing them well? continuing to stalk his twitter and instagram? hope he will happen upon my blog and figure out which posts are for him and wait for his move? It's getting to a weird point. An insatiable hunger to see them, feel the support I had from him once. It's like a weeping willow has sprouted in my heart and it's weighing my chest down. 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark,
same old empty feeling in your heart,
cause love comes slow and it goes so fast.

-The fact that it's not raining today is severely bumming me out. I super wanted to go run in the rain and let my skin get soaked down to my bones. 

-I found my journal from when I was 18. I can now say with evidence that I would have beat my 18 year old self up in about a minute. But, actually, I probably would have just hugged her and told her that it does in fact get better. Then it gets harder than I ever could have imagined, but that the future will also be brighter than either of us could have hoped for. It was funny reading what I was scared for, plans for the future. But mostly I was surprised by the emptiness of it all. I didn't remember a lot of what I had written. I didn't mention many names, just situations. I remember thinking that there was no way I would forget the people I was referencing, so there was no point to including names. Fact is, I don't remember. I feel like blogging will mean so much more in the future. It isn't just writing bland daily occurrences, it's tracking overpowering feelings and small puzzle pieces of my day. The diary entires consisted of "I cannot wait to graduate, today I wore new shoes, yesterday was hard." My blog has more feeling. I can't wait to look back on all this.

-Can we discuss the sunset last night? That single streak of pink peaking out under the grey blanket of clouds that still let a few stray raindrops fall. I want my life to look like that always.

-I had writer's block until I started writing. Funny how that works, huh? 

-This was my weekend.
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-This is my month. Let's pull through it together.
via iwastesomuchtime

Shades of September

Friday, September 6

September skies are coming in so beautifully in her first week, aren't they? I love them. She's giving us some beautiful watercolor skies.

I have a special place in my heart for the special shade of orange that comes in September. It peeks through the shades at around six every night. My happiest memory is bathed in that light and I still feel warm when the skies ignite into those orange fields. 

I love how sunsets change throughout the year. I love the light blue spring nights, the vibrant violet summers, the golden honey falls, and the bright pink and clear blue winters. I want to live in the sunset. I'd chase it forever. 

midnight musings II

Wednesday, September 4

-I feel paralyzed when I write sometimes and I'm not entirely sold on what I've written. I realize first drafts can't be perfect.
-This scares me. I'm a perfectionist. It scares me when my words aren't perfect.
-You know what helps? Music. 
-Cliches are cliches for a reason. They are true.
-Without music, I believe, we would all feel paralyzed. 
-We would feel lost.
-We wouldn't breathe.
-All we can do is keep breathing
-I hope everyone has something they can love like I love words.
-I hope everyone has a celebrity they can look up to. Or if not a celebrity, someone with influence. 
-Pop culture is a part of us. It's time to accept that.
-Ever let your past come back at 12:05 and keep you up at night? 
-Sometimes it's nice to sit and think the past through.
-Even past that is re-imagined is true to you. It becomes your history. 
-I love personal histories
-I am a collector of lives.
-I want to hear every single story.

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Tuesday, September 3

"So. When I wrote the next song, it was one of the hardest things that I did because, you know, everybody went on about all the clothes, right? And all the makeup and the wigs and 'why does she always cover up?' So I decided I would use this opportunity to tell you why. Because the whole world is watching and what I wanted you to know is that like some of you, which is why I wrote Born this Way, I cared not for success, I cared not if people liked it. I cared only about that even just one person that it might touch. I was willing and will always be willing to risk it all for what I believe in. 

So here I am. The human underneath the wigs.

This is my real hair.

 And the reason for that is because what I was saying was like you, some of you, I've went through some really tough times. And tough times I've never really talked about. And I never talked about it because I didn't feel that I needed to use it for people to like my music. And I won't tell you exactly what it was now because, no need to be a downer, really. But I'm telling you because in order to write ARTPOP, I had to be willing to take off all the wigs and the makeup that I used to cover up the pain. And it's not that I don't love my wigs- I am my hair, obviously- it's just that I used them for a long time to become different people so that when I woke up in the morning and I didn't feel strong enough to be me I just created someone else. And it worked and it will work for all of you whenever you choose to do it. But in order to grow, be a better artist, and to become closer to you I knew I had to show you what's underneath all of the theater. So here I am. In order to get here, I had to climb through a lot of swine."
- Lady Gaga, iTunes Music Festival, September 1, 2013

This right here is why I have been a Gaga fan from day one and why I will continue to be one from here on out. She is real and raw and afraid, like all of us. She's not fake. She believes in what she creates. And look at how beautiful she is, natural and free.
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This is a new song she wrote for her fans after she broke her hip and was unable to perform. Her passion and love of performance is something of her that has always inspired me and will continue to inspire me. Gaga, I love you. Also, I have been told we look alike. I'll take it.

Please give this song a listen. She is so talented. So beautiful. Let her inspire you too. Lyrics below.

It's off, it's on
The party's just begun
Take off, and run
Let's celebrate the fun of being young
I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna grow up

But when the lights come on
You lift me up, and I feel strong

I won't be right without you
And I might break without you
I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone
I'll write hit songs about you
No matter how we'll get through
I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love
And I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you

Lights off, lights on
The music has begun
More light, you run and get the bad guy's gun
I love the songs that you play
And I don't care what they say
Cause I was born this way

When I hear you scream, I hit the top of the stage
Close my eyes, I know exactly who I am

I won't be right without you
And I might break without you
I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone
I'll write hit songs about you
No matter how we'll get through
I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love
And I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you

I won't be right without you
And I might break without you
I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone
I'll write hit songs about you
No matter how we'll get through
I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love
And I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you

No matter what breaks me, I wanna be with you

Flashback: January

Monday, September 2

The waiter leaves the water on the table and we both turn to watch the condensation run down the glass. Another testament to your goodness, this is my favorite restaurant. My favorite dishes. My favorite city. The only favorite you have is me, and suddenly I'm not delivering anymore. I watch the condensation spilling off the glass in silence and you watch me, waiting for me to spill.

Your hand reaches out for mine across the table. Your fingertips barely touch my nail beds, resting like feathers on top of newly erupted grass. I glance into your eyes, your eyes radiating love and honesty. My eyes give you nothing. I've become an actress in my own life, unable to remember her motivation or her lines.

The last dish comes as I gratefully jolt my hand back from the table. I can smile at the waiter, but not at you. I hear you beginning to speak, but it's all mumbles and colors flying in one ear and straight out the other. You don't deserve this. All you ever did was try.

I tried too, until I didn't. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I didn't see you anymore. I didn't see much of anything, really.

You pay while I stare at your neck, remembering warmer nights in the late fall haze that have smoldered down into a match trying hard to blow itself out. You keep cupping your hands around it, hoping it will hold on. Until one night, I purse my lips, guide your hands away, and blow it out myself.

via Tumblr

hello september

Sunday, September 1

Can you believe it? This year has flown buy and I for one am pretty grateful for that. When I woke up on January 1st, I knew 2013 would be a hard year. I just had a feeling that I would feel lost all year, feel like I'm wading around waiting for my life to start.

I went to Davis last Friday to talk to my dear friend Mr. Larsen and he put a lot of things in to perspective for me. He said that it's hard for people to spend so much of their time doing things for everyone else and nothing for themselves. It's hard to be patient for your time to shine. I feel that 2013 has been that for me. I was involved in a program I wasn't 100% about, I'm working in a place I'm not 100% about and I'm just itching for January. I cannot wait to start working toward MY goals finally without spending so much time considering everyone else's goals and plans for me. I have big plans of my own, world, and I tell you what: This fall I'm revving up my engines. Next year is mine. And it starts now. Let's do this September. I can't wait to see where you take me.

via WeHeartIt
Some brilliant things are happening this September, and the rest of the year. Like:
  • pumpkin spice lattes. I used a secret code and got one early yesterday. Tasted like cuddling.

  • Real cuddling is more delicious in the fall. If you want to date me, do it in the fall. We can jump in leaves together.
  • Only two months until Catching Fire!
  • One month to Halloween month! (Also side note... the PLL Halloween episode. If they don't redeem the hot mess that was the season finale... we are donezo.)
  • September is WFMAD month! (Write fifteen minutes a day) This is hosted by one of my favorite authors, Laurie Halse Anderson, on her blog. It's a challenge for writers who have found themselves to be a bit... lazy with their writing during the sumer months. It's a good way to get back in to writing every day! You can check out her post here.
  • In October, I am seeing Imagine Dragons in concert! Woo!
  • Leaves are gonna change colors so soon. Cool fall afternoon hikes, anyone?
  • I can finally wear my boots again without dying of heat stroke.
  • We are THIS MUCH CLOSER to Christmas!
  • My TV shows are coming back on! New Girl, Parks and Rec, Grey's Anatomy. Mmm I've missed these shows. 
What has got you excited this September? And for the rest of the year? Let me know! I love knowing what makes people happy :) 

Happy September and happy fall!