Let's create a reality from this fiction. Let's talk and play and fall together. Let me feel your lips for longer than the moments I've only tasted so far.
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Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
wants
Tuesday, July 22
I want to see you standing in my doorway. I want to sit on my porch with you and talk for hours on end. I want to see you above me pressing out all of the air in my lungs with your body weight. I want to feel our breathing synch up and see the sun peek over your shoulder after twisting hours on their heads. I want to read books with you and read your words and have you read mine.
Let's create a reality from this fiction. Let's talk and play and fall together. Let me feel your lips for longer than the moments I've only tasted so far.
Let's create a reality from this fiction. Let's talk and play and fall together. Let me feel your lips for longer than the moments I've only tasted so far.
tunnel lined with yellow lights on a dark night
Friday, January 24
I'm in need of some energy, loves. I'm entering the world of winter doldrums that always comes this time of year. It's been grey and cold for far too long. I guess I mean that personally as well as weather-wise. Rough few weeks here. I don't know.
How are you all? I feel sad and calm all at once. I am still loving school beyond words. All it is is words. I feel most alive when I'm in my classes, imprinting each and every word I hear onto my flesh and learning from my teachers and those around me. Sometimes I walk around campus and just feel myself smiling at the level of disbelief of actually being here. It still surprises me sometimes. I like catching myself smiling when I'm alone. My resting smiling face is my aunt's face and that makes me happy. We have the same lips and the same heart. I guess I've been sad since she left, in a way. She lives so deliberately and it's good for me to be around that, especially when winter starts sucking on my jugular.
This post of Shawnee's was really beautiful. Her photos are always a breath of fresh air to me. That girl is amazing. I love the sentiment of the post. Be refreshed, be natural, be you. For the past little bit I was sort of slipping away or letting myself be dimmed. I don't know what was doing it per se but I was feeling so stifled. Stupid inversion in my city is starting to cloud my head. But I want to live deliberately and for myself. I want to read and write and study. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to talk with all of you and read your words and make my own. I want to go to brunch with my friends on Sundays.
I want to make it through the rest of winter.
How are you all? I feel sad and calm all at once. I am still loving school beyond words. All it is is words. I feel most alive when I'm in my classes, imprinting each and every word I hear onto my flesh and learning from my teachers and those around me. Sometimes I walk around campus and just feel myself smiling at the level of disbelief of actually being here. It still surprises me sometimes. I like catching myself smiling when I'm alone. My resting smiling face is my aunt's face and that makes me happy. We have the same lips and the same heart. I guess I've been sad since she left, in a way. She lives so deliberately and it's good for me to be around that, especially when winter starts sucking on my jugular.
This post of Shawnee's was really beautiful. Her photos are always a breath of fresh air to me. That girl is amazing. I love the sentiment of the post. Be refreshed, be natural, be you. For the past little bit I was sort of slipping away or letting myself be dimmed. I don't know what was doing it per se but I was feeling so stifled. Stupid inversion in my city is starting to cloud my head. But I want to live deliberately and for myself. I want to read and write and study. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to talk with all of you and read your words and make my own. I want to go to brunch with my friends on Sundays.
I want to make it through the rest of winter.
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smatterings of writing thoughts.
Sunday, January 19
School is in SESH you guys. It's been a learning experience more than just in class. Here's what I've learned. Gotta get over my own pride, but it's the pride we all have as book lovers. We love hard and deep. We are unforgiving if people attack our favorite books because they have affected us. But sometimes hearing why people dislike books can change us for the better. They can't take anything away from how YOU read the book. My textbook said "What we do with literature alters what it does to us." Being open to discussion is hard, but so necessary.
Blogging has helped so much with this. I love reading different responses to my posts. I love reading blogs of different people going through different things. Their experiences become different experiences from me and I draw from all of them. It's also taught me to be respectful of the writing of others. I like to think I am a good writer and because of that, I tend to get prideful and snotty when other people write. But blogging has mellowed me and let me accept the gifts of others. I admire so many of you so so much and wish I could write like you do! We all have different styles and voices and that's why writing is great. Sure, these are stories we may have heard a million times but we have never heard them from YOU.
And in addition to all that, I love that you are all getting to know me through my words and vice versa. I feel most myself through my writing and I love that you are all getting such a deep peek into my mind on here. I try to stay always honest and open on my blog. My blog is my home, it's my favorite corner of my house and I am so happy you all visit me every so often. Thank you for letting me get to know you and for getting to know me so kindly. Let's all get together soon.
Blogging has helped so much with this. I love reading different responses to my posts. I love reading blogs of different people going through different things. Their experiences become different experiences from me and I draw from all of them. It's also taught me to be respectful of the writing of others. I like to think I am a good writer and because of that, I tend to get prideful and snotty when other people write. But blogging has mellowed me and let me accept the gifts of others. I admire so many of you so so much and wish I could write like you do! We all have different styles and voices and that's why writing is great. Sure, these are stories we may have heard a million times but we have never heard them from YOU.
And in addition to all that, I love that you are all getting to know me through my words and vice versa. I feel most myself through my writing and I love that you are all getting such a deep peek into my mind on here. I try to stay always honest and open on my blog. My blog is my home, it's my favorite corner of my house and I am so happy you all visit me every so often. Thank you for letting me get to know you and for getting to know me so kindly. Let's all get together soon.
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i love gypsy life
Tuesday, December 17
(random ramblings ahead.)
After spending five days back at my old house, I am now back in Salt Lake permanently. Today was my last day of work at Barnes and Noble which means no more commuting! more time to myself! back to writing! school in less than a month! I took a little blog vacation for my last five days of work- five very long days and long hours of work. But now I am back and am so ready for a few weeks of relaxing and job securing before school starts in January.
Items:
- I was offered early acceptance to the Honors College at the University of Utah! I applied for admittance and was told that I was applying for next fall but then last week I got an email saying I was chosen for early admittance! I'm so happy! I now have to sort of mess up my perfectly placed schedule but that's alright. I'm just ready to be back on a campus, around working minds and shifting gears.
- I read so much in these past five days and it felt like heaven to feel my brain jogging around the words on the page. I'm so close to my goal of reading 50 books this year and being able to find time to just read about 5 books in 5 days helped push me toward the goal. I'm at 48 books right now!
- Can Game of Thrones just be on again already?
- I know it might appear that my constant repetition of my love and feeling of content at being single right now may make it seem that I am trying horribly to compensate for the true pain of being single but it's the exact opposite. I feel so at home in my own skin and in my new house that I cannot keep from talking about it. My stomach feels dizzy from excitement and bubbling opportunity in the future. The near future. Reaching this exact spot in my life has been my mantra for the past two years. I knew if I could just get here I would be deliriously happy. One person cannot be this happy. An internal bubbling happy that still lets me retain my constant layer of melancholy (ha). I feel connected to my artistry while still being happy.
I still feel myself missing my past boys. Sometimes terribly so. Sometimes I still cry about it. But you know? I'm happy I still do. They meant something and I deserve as many tears as my body still produces for them. Right now is my time to be me and let myself heal in my way. To write them all out so I can breathe them out of my system.
And even in my comfortable isolation, I could still use some male touch every now and again. Someone find me under the mistletoe. Steal a kiss from me. Hold my hand. Touch the small of my back. Whisper into my neck. Touch. Taste. Have fun.
"I don't want to be alone forever, but I love gypsy life." - Lady GaGa
After spending five days back at my old house, I am now back in Salt Lake permanently. Today was my last day of work at Barnes and Noble which means no more commuting! more time to myself! back to writing! school in less than a month! I took a little blog vacation for my last five days of work- five very long days and long hours of work. But now I am back and am so ready for a few weeks of relaxing and job securing before school starts in January.
Items:
- I was offered early acceptance to the Honors College at the University of Utah! I applied for admittance and was told that I was applying for next fall but then last week I got an email saying I was chosen for early admittance! I'm so happy! I now have to sort of mess up my perfectly placed schedule but that's alright. I'm just ready to be back on a campus, around working minds and shifting gears.
- I read so much in these past five days and it felt like heaven to feel my brain jogging around the words on the page. I'm so close to my goal of reading 50 books this year and being able to find time to just read about 5 books in 5 days helped push me toward the goal. I'm at 48 books right now!
- Can Game of Thrones just be on again already?
- I know it might appear that my constant repetition of my love and feeling of content at being single right now may make it seem that I am trying horribly to compensate for the true pain of being single but it's the exact opposite. I feel so at home in my own skin and in my new house that I cannot keep from talking about it. My stomach feels dizzy from excitement and bubbling opportunity in the future. The near future. Reaching this exact spot in my life has been my mantra for the past two years. I knew if I could just get here I would be deliriously happy. One person cannot be this happy. An internal bubbling happy that still lets me retain my constant layer of melancholy (ha). I feel connected to my artistry while still being happy.
I still feel myself missing my past boys. Sometimes terribly so. Sometimes I still cry about it. But you know? I'm happy I still do. They meant something and I deserve as many tears as my body still produces for them. Right now is my time to be me and let myself heal in my way. To write them all out so I can breathe them out of my system.
And even in my comfortable isolation, I could still use some male touch every now and again. Someone find me under the mistletoe. Steal a kiss from me. Hold my hand. Touch the small of my back. Whisper into my neck. Touch. Taste. Have fun.
"I don't want to be alone forever, but I love gypsy life." - Lady GaGa
contented isolation
Wednesday, December 11
Human nature quakes for connection
like leaves quivering on a branch,
the skin quivering under a shaking
breath placed seductively in
the crevice under your jawline.
Atoms push and pause,
connecting and unwinding
along a garish carousel circling
into a tapestry of anonymous faces,
flushing to harmonize with the
stranger across from them.
The isolated cries of
the not so isolated sweethearts
and their drifting hearts floating to
another beat. Pump pump. Pump pump.
Silence. Isolationism at its finest
even among the flashing lights of
the ferris wheel in the center of the fair.
It's like candy when you find it,
the last bright red lick melting
against your teeth and sticking in your gums.
The sweet almost sickening taste
crawling in your taste buds,
inching down your esophagus,
icing your stomach lining until you feel ill.
Illness and disbelief at the peace
living in your veins and breeding
in your cells. Disconnection
from it all, tearing yourself from
the breast of connection makes everything
silent. You're ok. You're alive.
You're alone and content.
And, god, it is delicious.
like leaves quivering on a branch,
the skin quivering under a shaking
breath placed seductively in
the crevice under your jawline.
Atoms push and pause,
connecting and unwinding
along a garish carousel circling
into a tapestry of anonymous faces,
flushing to harmonize with the
stranger across from them.
The isolated cries of
the not so isolated sweethearts
and their drifting hearts floating to
another beat. Pump pump. Pump pump.
Silence. Isolationism at its finest
even among the flashing lights of
the ferris wheel in the center of the fair.
It's like candy when you find it,
the last bright red lick melting
against your teeth and sticking in your gums.
The sweet almost sickening taste
crawling in your taste buds,
inching down your esophagus,
icing your stomach lining until you feel ill.
Illness and disbelief at the peace
living in your veins and breeding
in your cells. Disconnection
from it all, tearing yourself from
the breast of connection makes everything
silent. You're ok. You're alive.
You're alone and content.
And, god, it is delicious.
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white flag
Thursday, October 31
The white flag of surrender has been raised. The white flag of peace. Of no ill will. The white flag of clarity and goodbye. I've jumped back and forth between humiliated and jubilated. Sadness and relief. It's not as hard as I thought it would be to let you go.
My sister talked me down and after surrounding myself with family and light, I saw the dark cloud you brought with you. I was hugged this weekend. Truly hugged. I was believed in and praised. I felt like me again. I felt excited for the future instead of imprisoned in the past, reaching up between the bars and barely grazing the silver lining of a future cloud.
I gave you everything I had. All of my faith was thrust to you. All I wanted to do was reassure you about how wonderful you are and how much potential you have. Through that process I lost my own potential and my dreams too.
The saddest part is that you didn't take any of it. Not a word. You stayed self deprecating and difficult and distant. You want so badly to be the bad guy, but you need to understand that you are a good guy. You would be a winner if you let yourself. If you pushed yourself or cared about more than just appearing unfeeling, you could dig yourself out of this mess. Maybe I could love you again.
This is what I've realized. You've changed. You aren't who you were when you were with me and I needed to be told that no matter what I did, I could never make you believe in yourself again. That's not my job. If you choose to stay this dark and deviant, I have to let you. Maybe one day you will wake up and I will be able to smile at you again. Best of luck in staying sad and drunk. I'll be over here living my life and laughing in love.
I loved you hard. I loved your memory though. It took seeing a weekend full of funerals and and family for me to realize that if I were to walk back in to you, I'd walk straight to death. I wouldn't be happy and I'd be held back.
I was wrong earlier. I was right to get brave. I was right to call you and thank you so much for answering me. It helped me see that you weren't you anymore and to see my potential again. My love for you had turned phantasmagorical. I was chasing my past and if I learned anything from Gatsby, it's the danger of doing that. I need to chase a brighter tomorrow, not a 10 watt past. I'm ready to be alone for a while. To see myself before I see others. I'm excited to be me for a while.
I don't think you will follow through in calling me. And that's ok. I don't know if I'd go anyway. It would be for the wrong reasons now. Thank you for inspiring beautiful poetry, I'm sure you still will. Thank you for the beautiful past. Thank you for making me see that I want no part of that to intoxicate my future, no matter how beautiful it was. I'll always look back at it with warm nostalgia.
Good luck, love. Goodbye.
My sister talked me down and after surrounding myself with family and light, I saw the dark cloud you brought with you. I was hugged this weekend. Truly hugged. I was believed in and praised. I felt like me again. I felt excited for the future instead of imprisoned in the past, reaching up between the bars and barely grazing the silver lining of a future cloud.
I gave you everything I had. All of my faith was thrust to you. All I wanted to do was reassure you about how wonderful you are and how much potential you have. Through that process I lost my own potential and my dreams too.
The saddest part is that you didn't take any of it. Not a word. You stayed self deprecating and difficult and distant. You want so badly to be the bad guy, but you need to understand that you are a good guy. You would be a winner if you let yourself. If you pushed yourself or cared about more than just appearing unfeeling, you could dig yourself out of this mess. Maybe I could love you again.
This is what I've realized. You've changed. You aren't who you were when you were with me and I needed to be told that no matter what I did, I could never make you believe in yourself again. That's not my job. If you choose to stay this dark and deviant, I have to let you. Maybe one day you will wake up and I will be able to smile at you again. Best of luck in staying sad and drunk. I'll be over here living my life and laughing in love.
I loved you hard. I loved your memory though. It took seeing a weekend full of funerals and and family for me to realize that if I were to walk back in to you, I'd walk straight to death. I wouldn't be happy and I'd be held back.
I was wrong earlier. I was right to get brave. I was right to call you and thank you so much for answering me. It helped me see that you weren't you anymore and to see my potential again. My love for you had turned phantasmagorical. I was chasing my past and if I learned anything from Gatsby, it's the danger of doing that. I need to chase a brighter tomorrow, not a 10 watt past. I'm ready to be alone for a while. To see myself before I see others. I'm excited to be me for a while.
I don't think you will follow through in calling me. And that's ok. I don't know if I'd go anyway. It would be for the wrong reasons now. Thank you for inspiring beautiful poetry, I'm sure you still will. Thank you for the beautiful past. Thank you for making me see that I want no part of that to intoxicate my future, no matter how beautiful it was. I'll always look back at it with warm nostalgia.
Good luck, love. Goodbye.
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music ramble
Saturday, October 26
Tonight at the Imagine Dragons concert (!!!) the lead singer finished his opening song then said this:
"Are you ready to let go tonight, Utah? Are you ready to completely let go?"
My heart was already spinning and somersaulting because of this guy's rippling biceps and the pounding drum beat but then he won my heart over entirely. Yes, sir, I was ready to let go. I danced, I screamed, I cried, I lived. I felt so incredibly rejuvenated and so centered and complete.
I love watching live music because you can see the melodies flowing out of the musicians mouths and fingertips. I love seeing someone living their dreams. There is always one moment where they look so completely overwhelmed and where the good artists are genuinely so grateful that they have this amazing opportunity to inspire and connect with so many.
I know it's cliche but music truly is one of the most incredibly powerful forces on this Earth. It's so healing and connecting. I love seeing people get carried away in music, whether they are the listeners or the performers. These guys let themselves go. They let themselves dance around the stage and bounce with their guitars. Dan, the lead singer, got on his knees to beat a drum. He threw his head back and screamed. He even put his shirt in his mouth while he played, biting down hard because he couldn't contain his passion. (ALSO SIDE NOTE... neither could I. Good lord this man is unreal. Just... I want to wrap my body around his bicep. It's not weird.)
After the show as I was driving to IHOP with Niki, I thought about how powerful music really is. How that moment when the entire arena was dark except for the starbursts of cell phone light sprang up in the blackness will shine in my heart forever. About how bland life would be without those certain songs there to make sense of everything. About how there are times that the only way you can get a message across is to shove headphones in someone's ears and say "just listen to this. It's every single thing I am feeling."
Tonight after the show I felt such peace and such a creative jolt as well. During the show too. I felt stronger and confident. Radiant. I feel at peace with myself now. It's been a journey this week, as you all know. I feel like I've walked a thousand miles in a matter of days. I guess traumas will do that to you, you know? I feel like if a love of my doesn't work out, yeah it will suck but I will heal. I am a great person with so much to give. And you know what? I have music to keep me company and heal me and propel me.
Ever have those experience when you've heard a song a billion times but then you hear it one night and it's like hearing it for the first time? The words take new shape. They lift your heart up for examination and hold it out to you. That was tonight. You change, sometimes without even knowing it, and suddenly a song sticks out to you. A few words change everything.
This was a ramble of a post, but it's also 4 in the morning. Share some of your favorite music with me, lovelies :) I'd love to listen. I always want to be inspired.
"Are you ready to let go tonight, Utah? Are you ready to completely let go?"
My heart was already spinning and somersaulting because of this guy's rippling biceps and the pounding drum beat but then he won my heart over entirely. Yes, sir, I was ready to let go. I danced, I screamed, I cried, I lived. I felt so incredibly rejuvenated and so centered and complete.
I love watching live music because you can see the melodies flowing out of the musicians mouths and fingertips. I love seeing someone living their dreams. There is always one moment where they look so completely overwhelmed and where the good artists are genuinely so grateful that they have this amazing opportunity to inspire and connect with so many.
I know it's cliche but music truly is one of the most incredibly powerful forces on this Earth. It's so healing and connecting. I love seeing people get carried away in music, whether they are the listeners or the performers. These guys let themselves go. They let themselves dance around the stage and bounce with their guitars. Dan, the lead singer, got on his knees to beat a drum. He threw his head back and screamed. He even put his shirt in his mouth while he played, biting down hard because he couldn't contain his passion. (ALSO SIDE NOTE... neither could I. Good lord this man is unreal. Just... I want to wrap my body around his bicep. It's not weird.)
After the show as I was driving to IHOP with Niki, I thought about how powerful music really is. How that moment when the entire arena was dark except for the starbursts of cell phone light sprang up in the blackness will shine in my heart forever. About how bland life would be without those certain songs there to make sense of everything. About how there are times that the only way you can get a message across is to shove headphones in someone's ears and say "just listen to this. It's every single thing I am feeling."
Tonight after the show I felt such peace and such a creative jolt as well. During the show too. I felt stronger and confident. Radiant. I feel at peace with myself now. It's been a journey this week, as you all know. I feel like I've walked a thousand miles in a matter of days. I guess traumas will do that to you, you know? I feel like if a love of my doesn't work out, yeah it will suck but I will heal. I am a great person with so much to give. And you know what? I have music to keep me company and heal me and propel me.
Ever have those experience when you've heard a song a billion times but then you hear it one night and it's like hearing it for the first time? The words take new shape. They lift your heart up for examination and hold it out to you. That was tonight. You change, sometimes without even knowing it, and suddenly a song sticks out to you. A few words change everything.
This was a ramble of a post, but it's also 4 in the morning. Share some of your favorite music with me, lovelies :) I'd love to listen. I always want to be inspired.
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don't wanna live in fear and loathing
Thursday, October 24
I haven't slept in three days. I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. This situation has been a struggle, as to be expected.
I was talking with my mom about the events I last wrote about. She looked at me sheepishly and said "I hate making this situation about myself but... maybe she passed so that when others pass, she's there to lead the way. If she's there waiting to guide them, I'll be less sad about their loss. Is that horrible? I don't want this to be about me."
But we have to process death this way. We can never know the grand reasons, if any, for why people pass from this world. All we can do is make their passing meaningful for ourselves. We process things and internalize events in our own ways. We cope differently and that is beautiful.
Tonight, I talked with my dear friend Dixie, who is also a therapist. I told her that through all this, I have felt like I've really learned about myself and my observational focuses. This was a wake up call. It made me get brave. It's also driven me insane. It's made me lose sleep and pray and plead for connection. I said that I hated that I was making this situation about my love life and my messy mind. I said that it felt weird, that I wasn't normal. She said it was completely normal.
For whatever reason, every moment I witnessed of this past weekend was cloaked in connection. I watched my grandfather with my grandmother. I saw her friends saying goodbye. I noticed couples linking hands even through personal hardships. Some situations are bigger than every day fights. Sometimes all you can do is screw the past, move forward, clasp hands and share a heartbeat.
That is what I've learned.
I'm sick of feeding off of my own doubts. About myself. About who I love. About things I will never have control over. I want to live my life in love and passionate embraces. I want my late nights to be full of liquid words spilling onto a page and shared discussions about every little thing.
I love who I love. Screw opinions from others. I'm not afraid of second chances. I'm not afraid of him. I'm wary of being caused pain, but I'm done staying awake hour upon hour feeling haunted by fears and doubts.
I'm not afraid of being attached. Acting unfeeling and convincing yourself that you are worthless or a bad person doesn't make you tough. It makes you a coward. I refuse to be anything but brave. I refuse to pretend my feelings don't exist.
I want my mind to shut down for a few days, but sadly I'll never get that wish. But you know what? I can turn those gears into a powerful machine that will move mountains and shatter barriers. I'll scream at the top of my lungs. I'll dance my ass off. I'll cry until I can't breathe. I'll feel with every atom I am made of.
Because life is so short. And this world is so beautiful. And love is so pure.
This was all inspired by this song by Marina and the Diamonds. Who is everything. Please listen.
I was talking with my mom about the events I last wrote about. She looked at me sheepishly and said "I hate making this situation about myself but... maybe she passed so that when others pass, she's there to lead the way. If she's there waiting to guide them, I'll be less sad about their loss. Is that horrible? I don't want this to be about me."
But we have to process death this way. We can never know the grand reasons, if any, for why people pass from this world. All we can do is make their passing meaningful for ourselves. We process things and internalize events in our own ways. We cope differently and that is beautiful.
Tonight, I talked with my dear friend Dixie, who is also a therapist. I told her that through all this, I have felt like I've really learned about myself and my observational focuses. This was a wake up call. It made me get brave. It's also driven me insane. It's made me lose sleep and pray and plead for connection. I said that I hated that I was making this situation about my love life and my messy mind. I said that it felt weird, that I wasn't normal. She said it was completely normal.
For whatever reason, every moment I witnessed of this past weekend was cloaked in connection. I watched my grandfather with my grandmother. I saw her friends saying goodbye. I noticed couples linking hands even through personal hardships. Some situations are bigger than every day fights. Sometimes all you can do is screw the past, move forward, clasp hands and share a heartbeat.
That is what I've learned.
I'm sick of feeding off of my own doubts. About myself. About who I love. About things I will never have control over. I want to live my life in love and passionate embraces. I want my late nights to be full of liquid words spilling onto a page and shared discussions about every little thing.
I love who I love. Screw opinions from others. I'm not afraid of second chances. I'm not afraid of him. I'm wary of being caused pain, but I'm done staying awake hour upon hour feeling haunted by fears and doubts.
I'm not afraid of being attached. Acting unfeeling and convincing yourself that you are worthless or a bad person doesn't make you tough. It makes you a coward. I refuse to be anything but brave. I refuse to pretend my feelings don't exist.
I want my mind to shut down for a few days, but sadly I'll never get that wish. But you know what? I can turn those gears into a powerful machine that will move mountains and shatter barriers. I'll scream at the top of my lungs. I'll dance my ass off. I'll cry until I can't breathe. I'll feel with every atom I am made of.
Because life is so short. And this world is so beautiful. And love is so pure.
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There is no crime in being kind.
Not everyone is out to screw you over.
Maybe, yeah just maybe
they just want to get to know you.
Now the time is here,
baby you don't have to live your life in fear.
And the sky is clear.
It's clear of fear.
Don't wanna live in fear and loathing,
I wanna feel like I am floating
instead of constantly exploding,
in fear and loathing.
three worlds
Thursday, October 17
Right now my head is inhabiting three very different worlds simultaneously, all coming together in the strangest connected web. That connection tells me that fate is playing a little waiting game with me, a cruel game of keep away. Not cruel in the usual sense. Not a mocking cruelty. More like a cruelty that is teaching me patience, the meaning of following your heart, the meaning of resilience and diligence, the meaning of what it feels like to see it all coming together right in front of you, just out of reach.
World one is the present. I'm here, coasting along. The present is the blank canvas. It's there, there isn't much going on, but it is there and ready to burst with potential.
World two is the past. This is the defiant splash of red paint that seeps deep into the canvas and gives it life and breath. It's all of the little coincidences that is making my world come together and keeps hinting at a future that I am more than ready for. Over the past few weeks, little bits and pieces of life have been reappearing in front of me that eerily connect to things that were happening at the same time last year at this time. An old friend who I had dinner with on the night of a very tender memory contacted me yesterday after I spent all day planning to contact him. Eery fate. A group of customers who used to frequent my cafe, who then ended up being jerks and disappeared, have began reappearing at their little corner table. Weird fate. That late night lonely feeling has crept back in. The kind that can only be quenched with either a Netflix binge accompanied by a late night cheeseburger or staying up rereading the darkly sexy passages of Lolita. Fate is toying with me and watching me squirm. The suspense is killing me, darling fate.
The puzzle pieces are all laid next to each other, they just need a little urging to get them connected in the right way.
World three is the imminent future. It's destiny and it's hope. It's the moment when you step back from the Monet to see the full picture pixelating together before your eyes. It's the moment you can feel coming in your heart long before your brain gets the memo.
I can feel you in my bones. I feel you in my soul. The wait is long and lonely. I know that the three worlds run on my ability to over think and over analyze. I know these are dangerous and if my ability to over analyze and over think could power the world, we would have an energy overload and no need for fossil fuels. But analysis and deep thought make me feel powerful and dangerous. And feeling dangerous makes me feel you.
World one is the present. I'm here, coasting along. The present is the blank canvas. It's there, there isn't much going on, but it is there and ready to burst with potential.
World two is the past. This is the defiant splash of red paint that seeps deep into the canvas and gives it life and breath. It's all of the little coincidences that is making my world come together and keeps hinting at a future that I am more than ready for. Over the past few weeks, little bits and pieces of life have been reappearing in front of me that eerily connect to things that were happening at the same time last year at this time. An old friend who I had dinner with on the night of a very tender memory contacted me yesterday after I spent all day planning to contact him. Eery fate. A group of customers who used to frequent my cafe, who then ended up being jerks and disappeared, have began reappearing at their little corner table. Weird fate. That late night lonely feeling has crept back in. The kind that can only be quenched with either a Netflix binge accompanied by a late night cheeseburger or staying up rereading the darkly sexy passages of Lolita. Fate is toying with me and watching me squirm. The suspense is killing me, darling fate.
The puzzle pieces are all laid next to each other, they just need a little urging to get them connected in the right way.
World three is the imminent future. It's destiny and it's hope. It's the moment when you step back from the Monet to see the full picture pixelating together before your eyes. It's the moment you can feel coming in your heart long before your brain gets the memo.
I can feel you in my bones. I feel you in my soul. The wait is long and lonely. I know that the three worlds run on my ability to over think and over analyze. I know these are dangerous and if my ability to over analyze and over think could power the world, we would have an energy overload and no need for fossil fuels. But analysis and deep thought make me feel powerful and dangerous. And feeling dangerous makes me feel you.
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| via * |
10.1.13
Tuesday, October 1
- I had myself a nice little blog-cation while I finished out the month of September, finished my internships (!!!!), and started working once again at Barnes and Noble. I am so happy September is gone.
- This song? It's an unreleased Lana song that I can't get enough of. Story of my life/ my theme song.
- I allowed myself the last day of September to be sulky and sad. I wanted to finish the month of September relishing the suckage of the past month so that I could wake up this morning and face the month of October with optimism and passion. I'm over feeling creatively isolated and I'm over feeling alone. This puzzle of my life is coming together, so help me lord.
- I'm reading Lolita right now and I am so conflicted about this book. On one hand, it is some of the sexiest writing I have ever read. And on the other hand... this man is in love with a 12 year old. I find myself getting so worked up, but then you remember she's 12 and everything is weird. It's one of the best books I've read in a long time.
- Last Saturday I went to a concert with Shelby my best friend and it was a steaming hot plate of awkward and delicious. I saw a person I hadn't seen since I was 17 and it was weird and judgmental and I haven't been that intensely looked up and down in many years. I loved it.
- I believe that brains have a sort of emotional memory. Some days I find myself in a bad mood that cannot be explained. It isn't PMS, it isn't because the day is a bad day. I think it could have something to do with something that has happened in previous years on the same day and your brain has remembered that subconsciously. It has been one year to the day that I saw Sir Idaho who ripped me apart/ world's largest douche. I was in the worst mood today for no reason, unexplainably sad and lost today. But you know, now I feel happy and ready for this month. At the end of this month last year, I met the most wonderful person I've known and hopefully I'll be seeing them again so so soon.
- Let's do this October. Cannot wait.
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| via WeHeartIt |
warm visions
Sunday, September 15
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| via Tumblr |
Life keeps inching forward toward happiness and growth and it's giving me warm visions for the future. You are in every single vision. Every night as the moon crests the mountains and life gets clearer and closer to the finish line of September, your face eases in to my mind like ink rushing across a page. Our hazy grey days keep swimming in my mind and brimming across my eyelids in steady waterfalls.
My inconstant moon- just out of reach- is keeping me up at night. I'll take the moon's indirect gaze until it is ready to warm my nights with it's silver grey light. I feel big things coming. I feel the moon pulling my hand forward like the tides.
smatterings of thought
Sunday, September 8
-I'm having a hard time motivating myself to continue interning where I am working/ interning in general. I feel like I gave the assisting thing a shot and it's just not where I want to be. at all. I loved the people in my first internship. the people at my second one are distant and guarded and have offered no help. I don't need mch. but some direction would be nice. The days drag. I only have something like two weeks left but every morning I feel like I cannot possibly make it.
-I miss someone and I don't know how to fix that. Advice? Do I call them? Text them a well intentioned message wishing them well? continuing to stalk his twitter and instagram? hope he will happen upon my blog and figure out which posts are for him and wait for his move? It's getting to a weird point. An insatiable hunger to see them, feel the support I had from him once. It's like a weeping willow has sprouted in my heart and it's weighing my chest down.
-This.
Staring at the ceiling in the dark,
same old empty feeling in your heart,
cause love comes slow and it goes so fast.
-The fact that it's not raining today is severely bumming me out. I super wanted to go run in the rain and let my skin get soaked down to my bones.
-I found my journal from when I was 18. I can now say with evidence that I would have beat my 18 year old self up in about a minute. But, actually, I probably would have just hugged her and told her that it does in fact get better. Then it gets harder than I ever could have imagined, but that the future will also be brighter than either of us could have hoped for. It was funny reading what I was scared for, plans for the future. But mostly I was surprised by the emptiness of it all. I didn't remember a lot of what I had written. I didn't mention many names, just situations. I remember thinking that there was no way I would forget the people I was referencing, so there was no point to including names. Fact is, I don't remember. I feel like blogging will mean so much more in the future. It isn't just writing bland daily occurrences, it's tracking overpowering feelings and small puzzle pieces of my day. The diary entires consisted of "I cannot wait to graduate, today I wore new shoes, yesterday was hard." My blog has more feeling. I can't wait to look back on all this.
-Can we discuss the sunset last night? That single streak of pink peaking out under the grey blanket of clouds that still let a few stray raindrops fall. I want my life to look like that always.
-I had writer's block until I started writing. Funny how that works, huh?
-This was my weekend.
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| via Tumblr |
-This is my month. Let's pull through it together.
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| via iwastesomuchtime |
Complacence
Thursday, August 22
I love feeling swept away with conversation. I love meeting someone who I feel I can talk with forever and ever. It reminds me about how amazing life is and how beautiful dedication and the human mind can be. With so much to do and so much to hope for, how can anyone stand to not be driven and active and excited to be alive? Lazy days are good but a lazy life? Such a shame.
I've been working in the dental office for about three weeks now and time has flown. Sure I've learned about dentistry but I've learned more about people, especially the people I am working with. The dentist I have been assisting has such a wise and kind soul. He is very thoughtful, very smart, very dedicated, and one of my favorite people to talk to. He listens without judging, shares opinions without preaching, and is also hilarious. So. He's a gem. If he's not your dentist, you're doing it wrong.
He's a very active man. He runs races. He raises a family. He works as a dentist. And he is always striving for self improvement and knowledge, a trait I find the most inspiring. He is so thirsty to learn and loves sharing ideas with people for the mutual pursuit of knowledge. He's the kind of person that you talk with that you walk away feeling better about yourself and so excited to get out and live! And run! (Or try and run. Oh exercise... why must you hurt me so?)
His excitement has made me feel excited again. For the past few weeks I have started to get this cringing complacency crawling across my mind. I've accomplished a good deal recently and I've landed into a rare transitional period where all I have to do is wait until it's time to start my next chapter. Because of that, I've gotten lazier and lazier. It's not so much unmotivated as it is...uncritical satisfaction. I'm satisfied for now because I really can't do anything else but wait for my time to come. It's not quite moving day, not quite time to get back to the U, not quite time. It's a lackluster limbo that has made me painfully complacent.
But as I've been talking with the doctor, I've rediscovered how much I have to do with my life. I feel like I've woken up after these past few weeks. Just because my goals and dreams aren't new to me, doesn't mean they aren't new to someone else or that you can't make them new again for yourself. There is never a good time to stop working hard to chase your dreams, especially if they are finally happen.
Is it just me, or did you never think you'd get to where you are right now? Like, you plan your whole life but the day it begins to happen, it amazes you. You can achieve your dreams in this life? You're allowed to get what you want? When did we all grow up? Time flies and before you know it, you're here. You're on your way, and why not? You deserve your dreams.
I know the feeling of never thinking you'd get to where you are right now. It's amazing to see dreams coming true for yourself and it's also very humbling to see how much work and how many detours it takes to get to your dream. When you're little you anticipate a straight shot to greatness; nobody told us the arrow would be curved. I never thought I'd be a dental assistant. I still can't believe it. I'm a professional person working with real people in real time. But this detour has taught me so much and prepared me even more for my true calling in life.
Surgeons once worked at McDonalds too before they realized their dream of saving lives. The struggle toward your dreams inherently defies complacency. Take it from me, do not let yourself get complacent because you think you've hit a rest stop. Use this time to pour over your maps for the 700th time, reroute if necessary, and then carry on. Even if you are driving slowly in a desert, you are nearing your paradise faster than you know it.
I've been working in the dental office for about three weeks now and time has flown. Sure I've learned about dentistry but I've learned more about people, especially the people I am working with. The dentist I have been assisting has such a wise and kind soul. He is very thoughtful, very smart, very dedicated, and one of my favorite people to talk to. He listens without judging, shares opinions without preaching, and is also hilarious. So. He's a gem. If he's not your dentist, you're doing it wrong.
He's a very active man. He runs races. He raises a family. He works as a dentist. And he is always striving for self improvement and knowledge, a trait I find the most inspiring. He is so thirsty to learn and loves sharing ideas with people for the mutual pursuit of knowledge. He's the kind of person that you talk with that you walk away feeling better about yourself and so excited to get out and live! And run! (Or try and run. Oh exercise... why must you hurt me so?)
His excitement has made me feel excited again. For the past few weeks I have started to get this cringing complacency crawling across my mind. I've accomplished a good deal recently and I've landed into a rare transitional period where all I have to do is wait until it's time to start my next chapter. Because of that, I've gotten lazier and lazier. It's not so much unmotivated as it is...uncritical satisfaction. I'm satisfied for now because I really can't do anything else but wait for my time to come. It's not quite moving day, not quite time to get back to the U, not quite time. It's a lackluster limbo that has made me painfully complacent.
But as I've been talking with the doctor, I've rediscovered how much I have to do with my life. I feel like I've woken up after these past few weeks. Just because my goals and dreams aren't new to me, doesn't mean they aren't new to someone else or that you can't make them new again for yourself. There is never a good time to stop working hard to chase your dreams, especially if they are finally happen.
Is it just me, or did you never think you'd get to where you are right now? Like, you plan your whole life but the day it begins to happen, it amazes you. You can achieve your dreams in this life? You're allowed to get what you want? When did we all grow up? Time flies and before you know it, you're here. You're on your way, and why not? You deserve your dreams.
I know the feeling of never thinking you'd get to where you are right now. It's amazing to see dreams coming true for yourself and it's also very humbling to see how much work and how many detours it takes to get to your dream. When you're little you anticipate a straight shot to greatness; nobody told us the arrow would be curved. I never thought I'd be a dental assistant. I still can't believe it. I'm a professional person working with real people in real time. But this detour has taught me so much and prepared me even more for my true calling in life.
Surgeons once worked at McDonalds too before they realized their dream of saving lives. The struggle toward your dreams inherently defies complacency. Take it from me, do not let yourself get complacent because you think you've hit a rest stop. Use this time to pour over your maps for the 700th time, reroute if necessary, and then carry on. Even if you are driving slowly in a desert, you are nearing your paradise faster than you know it.
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| via Tumblr. Quote by John Green |
theme song
Saturday, August 17
What do you hear inside your head all the time? What is the song that plays when you enter a room? What is the song of your heart? What do you hear buzzing in your ears when that fuzzy silence sets in late at night?
People are born with rhythm in their bodies. Bodies synchronize together and work together with the steady strum of the Earth moving beneath our feet. So what do you think is your theme song? Do you have a sweeping symphony full of violins and sorrowful strings? A power ballad from the 80s? A heavy bass blasting beat dropping with each footstep?
First impressions happen quickly. Next time you find yourself face to face with someone new- or someone old that you are still trying to puzzle out- try to hear their theme song. Simple and sweet? Wild and pounding? Maybe your music will clash and maybe it will compliment. I love music and I love humans.
I love simple songs with pretty words. I'd have an easy acoustic song following me, with a power chorus following right behind the sweet little verse, I think. It would be nostalgic and anguished and powerful and vulnerable. Like if Lana del Rey and Mumford and Sons got together for a night and then that baby was babysat by The Civil Wars and The Killers. That sounds about right.
So what is your theme song? What do you sound like? What follows you into a room? I'd love to know, darlings.
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| via WeHeartIt |
A Bazooka in my Chest
Friday, June 28
So. I have finally torn my eyes away from Grey's Anatomy long enough to post something that's been pulling on my brain for weeks. More like... with help from Grey's Anatomy I finally have a metaphor that suits what I've been feeling for weeks.
Remember that episode of Grey's where the paramedic has her hand in a guys chest and then they find out that there is live ammunition just waiting to explode inside of him? Then Meredith goes and is the best human alive ever by placing her hand inside his chest when the paramedic freaks out. (Real quick... remember when that paramedic was Christina Ricci? What even...?) This episode had me crying like a child. Granted, I have cried about 95% of the time while watching Grey's. I can't with this show. I can't with life. It's all too much.
I'm moving to Salt Lake in one month. One month. Not only that but in one month, I'm starting a new job, leaving an old job, leaving home, leaving my dogs, leaving school. All of this is awesome. All of it is exciting and I'm thrilled about it. I've been aching to move into Salt Lake since I came home from Cedar City a year ago. So why all this anxiety?
It's like high school graduation. You spend three years knowing it's coming and even in the last month of your senior year, it doesn't feel real. Then the next thing you know, you're standing in front of your mirror in your cap and gown.
That's what all this feels like. I've known it was coming and I've fought so hard for it to come. But now it's here and I'm so scared. I'm scared of leaving familiarity and jumping into a new world. More than living in the city, I'm afraid of starting a new job. I've trained for dental assisting for a year now and I'm good. I'm really good but I'm still learning. I now get to jump into an internship and continue to learn and then I'm working. I know they don't expect me to be perfect but what if I don't live up to the expectations? What if I'm not ready or capable?
And I have to relearn to live on my own again. I lived in Cedar by myself for two years and loved it. I loved the independence and the freedom to be an adult. But I've gotten used to coming home to the house I grew up in. I've gotten used to my old bedroom. I love the way it smells and I love my dogs being here with me. Now I get to live in a new house with new people in a city I've never lived in. I love Salt Lake and I've experience it a bit, but living there will be different.
I'm scared of not making friends in Salt Lake. I have some friends there but what if I'm not a city person? What if Salt Lake hates me and the people there don't like me? I'm afraid of being alone and unliked.
I've never been one to be afraid of change. I embrace change and I smile and work through it. So why am I so afraid this time? I'm just so tired. It's anew kind of adult tired. Stress tired. I am constantly in school and working and when I have any free time I just want to lay in bed and cherish my last days in that room. And rest my body in hopes that my mind will let itself rest. But it won't. It's on a constant loop of worries and things I have to get done before I move.
I just want to be ready. I want to move slowly and steady enough to embrace this new chapter while not missing anything of my old chapter. I want to slowly remove the bazooka in my chest cavity before the worry eats me up. Any advice as to how I can do this, let a girl know. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in limbo. I don't want the anxiety to overshadow the excitement and possibility anymore.
This was super rambly but I think my brain needed to purge. YAY PURGE BRAIN.
Also.. If you don't already. Watch Grey's Anatomy. It will change your world. K. Bye.
Remember that episode of Grey's where the paramedic has her hand in a guys chest and then they find out that there is live ammunition just waiting to explode inside of him? Then Meredith goes and is the best human alive ever by placing her hand inside his chest when the paramedic freaks out. (Real quick... remember when that paramedic was Christina Ricci? What even...?) This episode had me crying like a child. Granted, I have cried about 95% of the time while watching Grey's. I can't with this show. I can't with life. It's all too much.
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| Image Via greys.wikia.com |
It's like high school graduation. You spend three years knowing it's coming and even in the last month of your senior year, it doesn't feel real. Then the next thing you know, you're standing in front of your mirror in your cap and gown.
That's what all this feels like. I've known it was coming and I've fought so hard for it to come. But now it's here and I'm so scared. I'm scared of leaving familiarity and jumping into a new world. More than living in the city, I'm afraid of starting a new job. I've trained for dental assisting for a year now and I'm good. I'm really good but I'm still learning. I now get to jump into an internship and continue to learn and then I'm working. I know they don't expect me to be perfect but what if I don't live up to the expectations? What if I'm not ready or capable?
And I have to relearn to live on my own again. I lived in Cedar by myself for two years and loved it. I loved the independence and the freedom to be an adult. But I've gotten used to coming home to the house I grew up in. I've gotten used to my old bedroom. I love the way it smells and I love my dogs being here with me. Now I get to live in a new house with new people in a city I've never lived in. I love Salt Lake and I've experience it a bit, but living there will be different.
I'm scared of not making friends in Salt Lake. I have some friends there but what if I'm not a city person? What if Salt Lake hates me and the people there don't like me? I'm afraid of being alone and unliked.
I've never been one to be afraid of change. I embrace change and I smile and work through it. So why am I so afraid this time? I'm just so tired. It's anew kind of adult tired. Stress tired. I am constantly in school and working and when I have any free time I just want to lay in bed and cherish my last days in that room. And rest my body in hopes that my mind will let itself rest. But it won't. It's on a constant loop of worries and things I have to get done before I move.
I just want to be ready. I want to move slowly and steady enough to embrace this new chapter while not missing anything of my old chapter. I want to slowly remove the bazooka in my chest cavity before the worry eats me up. Any advice as to how I can do this, let a girl know. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in limbo. I don't want the anxiety to overshadow the excitement and possibility anymore.
This was super rambly but I think my brain needed to purge. YAY PURGE BRAIN.
Also.. If you don't already. Watch Grey's Anatomy. It will change your world. K. Bye.
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| Image via Tumblr |
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