Trouble Sleeping

Tuesday, February 19

My insomnia has been acting up badly lately. It starts off normally at night, I browse Tumblr, read for a bit... and then it starts. I just lay there and lay there and lay there, waiting to fall asleep, even if I'm exhausted. Nothing. My mind doesn't shut up, my eyes cannot stop searching and I can't focus on sleep or anything else. My mind just races and races until BLAM it's 6 in the morning and I have to wake up in three hours. That next day is always hell and even if I don't nap and I'm running on three hours, I can't seem to fall asleep the next night.

My mind chases so many thoughts at night. It's like my maze is a massive forest. I'm standing in the middle of a meadow in the center of the forest full of huge evergreen trees. The trees surround me as I stand there, feeling peaceful. Suddenly twelve deer appear and they al stare at me. They all take off running in all different directions in the trees and I just HAVE to catch all of them. That's what night feels like for me.

Lately my thoughts have had many different directions but the one that has really taken over is excessive thinking of the future. This has been a problem since... I'd say last July. I like what I'm going to school for, sure. I love my friends, I'm happy with there I live but lately I've grown increasingly anxious to grow up and move on. I will be 21 in pretty much an EXACT month and I want to start living and working toward my dreams.

I KNOW that I'm being smart and that dental assisting is great but I can't shake the feeling that I just want to study English. I'm tired of being practical. I'm tired of being patient. I want to study what I want to study. Not something I feel like I have to study.

  Good things come to those who wait. And I know that I will get there, I will be there in a year even but the waiting is killing me. When I should be studying for dental assisting, I research schools and English programs. I plan my future in London. I dream and I hope and I get so angry at people who keep talking to be about money and practicality and settling. SCREW YOUR SETTLING. It may have worked for you but it will not work for me. I know what settling looks like, and it's not me.

I'm not worried about money. I know my family will support me, even if they don't fully understand my artistic, unsettled mind. I'm not afraid to take loans out. After all, that's what the dental assisting is about. It's a great job I will love until I can surround myself solely with books and words, it's just hard to wait.

And I see all of my friends traveling and making travel plans and I feel like I am just... stuck. I want to get out. I want new people. I'm sick of how small this world is and I want a new place with new people and new places and sights and smells. I'm bored of running into people I'd rather forget and have people I love know people I wish didn't know me. I want to go to a new place. I cannot wait to get to Arizona in a month. I'm just afraid I won't be able to focus even more when I come back.

All in all, I know that good things come to those who wait and I will be able to go to the school I want very soon in all reality. I just feel stuck right now and it's keeping me awake at night. If any of you out there know any tricks to shutting a mind off, I would greatly appreciate them. Anything would help at this point and I will try anything. 

Keep on keeping on, beautiful people.

On Light

Friday, February 15

Today was such a lovely lovely day. This day dedicated to such a wonderful human emotion. My dear friend Shelby addressed Valentine's day very thoroughly in a recent blog post, so I'll spare you my feelings about that saying simply in reference to her blog: ditto.

It was a rough week, full of sorrow, regret, and growth but today was filled with light and a sort of simmering peace beginning to rise up through my chest. The sun was shining today, I felt warmth on my skin as I walked out of school, a person I love deeply left a gift on my porch, and I was blessed enough to be able to spend my night with three of my dearest friends discussing life, hope, and books. The first annual Smart Girl's Book Club was truly lovely, and much needed.

I was so happy to see my friend Shelby again. I was nervous, as I hadn't seen her and really spoken with her in quite a while for a variety of reasons and mixed signals. But once she got in my car it was like no time had passed. She asked about my life and I handed her bits and pieces of my past, which she puzzled together in no time and we were soon caught up on each other and the feeling of having a whole, completed puzzle of a friendship made me feel so special and happy.

I've been in massive need of friends lately. My soul has been feeling rather tattered lately and I was over that feeling. I began reaching out to my friends, deciding to stop distancing myself and start truly putting an effort in to seeing all of them. Friendship is such nourishment. And great friends are a dime a dozen. I cannot believe my incredible luck in having the marvelous friends I have.

Anyway, sweet caring Shelby, lovely and stunning McCall, and thoughtful, timid Allison and I met at Cafe on 1st in SLC to discuss our first book. Granted, we talked about the book a bit less than we talked about our lives, our futures, and each other, but it was no less special or illuminating. These are some of the most intelligent, level-headed, graceful women I have ever known and talking with them truly makes my eyes well to the brim with tears and my heart boil over with warmth.

These three women have halos over their heads. Truly. They bring such true light into my life, such hope and love. I feel as if they are some of the few people who understand my labyrinth of a brain. Not only that, but they inspire me. They make me want to be better. They make me want to be whole. They make me feel that nothing is impossible.

That's the duty of friends. Friends should radiate compassion and love and hope and peace. They should radiate that special kind of light that keeps you warm and illuminated even in the darkest of times.

Emily Dickinson had a strange view of the color white. She didn't see it as the color of innocence or purity, but rather the true color of passion and intensity. She called red "fire's common tint." To Emily Dickinson the rich, full life of a soul burned white hot. I think that is so beautiful, especially on a Valentine's Day. Red is a passionate, rich color but white, white is pure life. White is clarity and light and intensity. Nothing is more intense that a shining light burning into your retina, nothing so passionate as seeing the light reflected in another human being.

My friends fill my life with amazing light and clarity. I feel so much myself when I am with them and for days after, my soul burns white hot with the passion my friends instill within me. I hope everyone has friends that fill them with the light I feel from my lovely friends. Today was perfect for me, and I hope it was for you as well.

Today felt like this song, which is also perfect. This song pulls emotion through my body and fills my soul to the brim with light.


Wednesday, February 6

School teaches you so much. That's what I'm mostly learning in this new school environment. I've never done school like I am right now in the Dental Assisting program. It's been a very new experience and it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things I have to learn before I can move forward in my life.

This program is a go-at-your-own-pace program. You register for a class and then you have until a certain end date to complete the course. The end date is determined by how often you are at the school and how many credit hours the course is. So, for example, if I'm in a 30 hour course, and I am on the campus for a total of 12 hours, I have about two weeks to complete the class. If I don't finish in that time, I have to re-enroll and pay for the class again just to finish. Boo to that.

You really have to push yourself and keep yourself motivated to get things done. In class, the teachers aren't at the front of the board telling you what to study or reading you the lesson. There isn't a specific date to take the test. You have a guide sheet, a text book, and yourself.

In a sense, it's been nice to not have to count down to a test. I hate knowing a test is coming and feeling so unprepared that you just bundle in a corner and will that test away. At least in this class, I decide if I'm ready for the test today, or if I want to study more and take it tomorrow. I've been lucky in that I'm smart and I've been able to finish all of my classes early and never had to deal with re-enrolling.

But aside from learning a whole bunch about teeth and junk (GUYS. GUYS. Floss. Seriously... floss. I've seen some stuff now and.... just floss.), I've learned so much more about myself and school and my mind:

  • Teachers will always be impressed with you if you can work technology. 
    • So, nothing has changed since High School. Teachers think it is amazing when you can work stuff on the internet and make computers turn on and work projectors. My teacher Cathy thinks I am the bees knees because I know how to put files directly onto my flash drive and then put those files onto another computer. Today she asked me if I wouldn't mind doing her the HUGE favor of putting all of the power points I had on my flash drive for my past classes on all of the classroom computers. This took me about 4 minutes total but she was so impressed with me. It's nice to be praised for stuff that you think is so second nature to everyone. Remember that it's not and always be willing to help. 

  • It's important and awesome to have teachers on your side.
    • Respect your teachers. I know that this seems like obvious advice but apparently it's not. There are a lot of different types of students in the dental assisting program. You have people like me, pursuing this career so that they can pursue other things. Mothers returning to school to better their families. High schoolers who don't really seem to care but come on A days anyway to get credit. Troubled youth trying to better themselves. With all of these different people come different attitudes. Most are positive and dedicated. Others... not so much. They talk poorly about their teachers, fail test after test, and laugh it all off. Joke's on you guys, teachers are important. Respect them and they respect you. I didn't think this would be as much of a problem after junior high, but sadly, some people don't seem to grow up.

  • There is a palpable difference between educated people and uneducated people.
    • Or in other words, be mature. There comes a point in life where it is no longer impressive to be texting 10 people at once and nobody cares if you put makeup on to come to school. The biggest issue I've had during this dental program is the fact that it's a tech school as opposed to a University setting. I'll admit to being pretentious and I'll admit it proudly, but at least now I know why. I'm sick of having to be in classes with 18 and 19 year olds who would rather sit and gossip about the smart girl in class passing all of her tests (That would be me. What a loser, right?) and then laughing with each other when a new girl starts class and her sweater has a few stains on it. Excuse her for taking care of a baby at home and also attending dental school. I know that high school never ends, everybody always says that. I just can say from experience that it takes leaving the high school mentality to realize that being a bitch will get you no where and cheating on tests will get you even fewer places. Looks aren't everything and I hope you learn that some day, sweetheart. Also, your boyfriend is probably cheating on you with someone smarter than you are. Great for you.
Truer words have never been spoken. And never by someone as perfect.

  • I don't know everything/ I have zero patience
    • This lesson has been the biggest kick in the shorts to me. I've been lucky in that I've been able to study what I've wanted for the past few years. Acting, writing, English, selected awesome gen eds that I pick for my interests. I've learned a lot in my years so I've never really felt the need to push myself in school. I've taken classes that stay very close to my own interests so instead of learning something completely new, I've built upon subjects that I had already mastered. Dental assisting is completely and 1000% new to me and I have been shocked at the amount of studying I've had to do. This sounds stupid and, once again, I freely admit to being pretentious and snotty about my education, but I have been shocked at how much studying I do in order to pass tests. Granted, I am a smart person and thanks to spending years watching medical TV shows with my mom and on my own, I have a familiarity with some of the terms I've learned but so much is new. I always studied in school, don't get me wrong, but that was studying something that came easy to me, something I loved. English and acting and humanities are second nature to me. Dental decay, morphology and histology of teeth... not so much. I have been very humbled in this program. I don't know it all. You need to study and work hard and most importantly take time to let things soak in. Don't just skim your textbooks, read them. Absorb the words. Pay attention. I've been spending so much time thinking that my teachers would be more impressed with me if I finished classes the fastest. Joke is on me. They are impressed with me because I actually study, I don't cheat, I pay attention, and I retain information. I finish classes early because I'm naturally smart, not because I'm rushing. And they are impressed with that.
All in all, as much as I'm aching to be at the U finishing my English degree, I am very happy where I am. After having to push myself through my own education, being at a University will be such a relief. I don't have to depend on myself to set goals, I'll be able to go off of the teacher's well planned schedule and not make my own. I'll leave this program not just with a dental certification but with much more dedication to education and getting what I want for myself. I'm so lucky to be teaching myself these lessons as well as teaching myself about gum disease. Seriously though. FLOSS.

Happy Things

Monday, February 4

It's been a sad few weeks what with all this horrid weather and smog and just general blues. BUT, the sun is out and little things are creeping under my skin to make me smile. Here's some things that are making me happy right now. (In list form because nothing is happier than ORGANIZATION)

  • Spring is coming!!
    • Guys. The sun is out for the first time in what feels like sixteen years. The other day I got done with work at 11 in the morning, I walked outside and it felt so warm and lovely! Today I drove with my windows down with music play and the sun streaming in, gah I could have died. Granted my heater was also on full blast but I'll take it. Also, look at these gorgeous pictures of spring and things. I'M DEAD.

    Marie Antoinette is the prettiest movie to watch.
  • Sour Patch Watermelons
    • These are the best candy always. I told my mom to get some... so she brought home a one pound super bag full of joy and diabetes. There is only a tiny ziplock bag remaining. She brought it home a week ago. NO SHAME.
  • Arthur.
    • K. I've been watching Arthur on Netflix to help me fall asleep at night. You guys. This show is the best. Yeah, I'm talking about the PBS Arthur show from our youth. It's so awesome. All of these children love reading and I love them. Except stupid Francine and D.W. who will always suck. But this show is so clever. My favorite episode is when Fern's favorite author is Persimmony Glitchet, who writes The Series of Horrible Happenings. SO CLEVER I LOVE LEMONY SNICKET AND ARTHUR.

  • This New Song I Heard Today
    • Driving around today, this song happened. It was one of those moments where I just kept driving because the song was too perfect. It's called Safe and Sound by Capital Cities and seriously... it's the best thing I've heard in so long. They are my new obsession. And watch the video because it's perfect. Perfect.
  • Amy Poehler
    • Amy Poehler is my spirit animal. I am her. She is me. We are one. Everything she says is what I say. Nobody is greater than her.

  • Ian Somerhalder.

  • This cat. This cat most of all.

So what's making you guys happy right now? LEMME KNOW I LOVE YOU BYE.

This is Today

Friday, February 1

Tired, can't sleep

Words welling up, can't be released

Heart stopping silently,

Being kept beating by the searing bass notes.

Can't bear breaking a heart,

Can't bear living in limbo.

Out of words, out of touch, out of hope.

Losing friends, losing love, losing you.

Gaining self, gaining peace.