Wednesday, May 29

So I was reading in my dental assisting textbook last week, finishing up the last of the book work I'll have to deal with for a while. I was reading about different infection control guidelines and this word popped out at me.


I loved this word. (Not so much what it described. Which is the amount of bacteria on the surface of an object that has not been sterilized. Or inside the surface of the water tubes filling dental supply systems with water. Yum.)

I did love how I saw this word though. Bio. Life. Burden. Things that make life hard and unbearable at times. Like the bacteria that line the surfaces of unsanitized objects, I feel like we are always constantly full of bioburden that infect us. They crawl inside of our minds and break us down if they aren't sanitized away. They make us sick. They make us give up and stay in bed all day. They make us lose faith in ourselves. They make us negative and mean. They make us weak.

They. Kill. Us.

It has been an awful few days. I try so so so hard to cling to positivity but it seems like whenever I try to reach up and feel a few rays of sunlight I'm shoved back down into the ground even harder. I start feeling great, I stop coughing, my sinuses clear up, I am living my healthy life. BAM. Bioburden piles up in my veins and I get sick again. And I'm tired of it. It's killing me.

Let's unburden ourselves. Let's wash away all of the crap that ruins our lives. Let's have a bioburden baptism and wash away the muck that's clogging our brains and making us weak and unhappy.

My burdens:

  • I miss my best friends. Shelby and Garrett are on their 18 month faith journeys and they are loving it. I am so so proud of them and I know they are having a killer time. (killer time. Is it appropriate to call missions killer...? Um.. they are having an... edifying experience?) And as much as I love their letters, I wish they were here with me. Nobody talks with me like them. I never once feel judged, used, misunderstood, or ignored. They care so much for me and I wish they were here to talk to. 
  • I wish people didn't feel the need to violently move on from different times in their lives. I have a friend who is getting ready for a big move in her life. We are all so happy for her. But she's treating a lot of her old friends like we now mean nothing because she has new friends. I wish she still loved us like we love her. I wish that our friendship was enough.
  • I feel very insecure lately. Who knows what's causing it but it sure doesn't help to find out that someone who I thought was so close to me and cared for me so much has been saying very negative things about my appearance. Friends. Guys. Friends don't do this to friends. I don't care if you are jealous or whatever your reasoning is. Friends have each other's back and we don't say that other friends are ugly or fat or horrible style. It's not helping the self esteem that is already floundering get any stronger. So thanks.
  • I feel like I'm disappointing people. I put so much pressure on myself all the time. I keep myself busy, I take on tons of extra projects, I work my ass off at work and at school. Spare time isn't even a thing anymore because I spend it working on my writing, reading books to review on my book blog, applying to school, studying. I don't let myself stop. But no matter how hard I work I feel like it's not enough because I'm working towards a goal nobody seems to understand or support. I wish more than anything that I liked science and had a passion for math. I wish I could be satisfied being a dental assistant for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong. I love dental assisting. I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME OR YOUR TIME DOING THIS. But it's not my dream. It kills me that it won't be enough for me. I am so sorry. I have to write. I have to learn more about my passion. It breaks my heart that I'm disappointing people and that they don't seem to understand why I can't just settle. I am truly sorry. I've tried. The choice is settle and be miserable, or live my dreams and excel. I am truly and terribly sorry. 
  • I am sorry if anyone has the wrong impression of me. I don't like knowing that there are people out there who hate me, because I truly don't hate you. I'm sorry I'm opinionated. I try very had to present myself well but I am still young and I am learning too. I'm sorry if you feel the need to make those first judgments of me stick and not give me a second chance.  Or that you decide to believe those opinions and not get to know me. I think I'm pretty ok. Hate takes so much time. I'm sorry you feel like you have to hate me.
  • I'm sorry if I have ever hurt you. It wasn't my intention.
This was really whining but if I've learned anything in the past 21 years it's that most of the time, the only thing that makes me feel better is writing. I think it would help a lot of you too. It's a nice release to write down your burdens. What are some of your burdens? Maybe we can help each other.

This about sums it up.

Hump Day Jams

Hellllo! It's been a weird few days and while I have a post coming up about the bad, let's focus on the good.

I'm finally starting my clinicals for school! I'm almost done! I know who really cares for me! The rain is magic! Summer!!!

This song has always sounded like summer to me and I have warm memories of this song. When I got this CD, it was right before my junior year and it's the only CD I listened to. That was when I first started Advanced Theater and this song has always sounded like that summer. Still sounds like it. I love nostalgia. JUST CALL ME GATSBY.

This song is called Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Enjoy, lovelies :)

Work in Progress

Sunday, May 26

Here is the start of a short story I am currently working on! I'm excited to share some of my writing on this blog other than just personal stuff. I'd love to hear some comments from you all :). The story is based on my favorite work of art by my favorite artist, Banksy. Perhaps you know it. This story is far from over but here is the start of it. Enjoy!

Early in the spring of her 21st year, Heidi Chapel reclined gently in a meadow of baby’s breath and lilacs. The clouds hung lazily in the indigo sky of the early May evening. She reached her hand out to her side, running her fingers through the grass, letting it tickle her arms until goose bumps rose up like tiny anthills along the smooth pavement of her flesh. Her breath came out in slow easy sighs, blending with the music of the wind combing through her hair.
It was amazing to Heidi that being alone could taste so sweet. But only by being alone could she truly feel connected to anything anymore. With her mind silenced and the grass pressed against her cheek Heidi became part of the Earth. She sank herself deeper and deeper into the ground until she felt roots spring from her mind anchoring her to the world.
The wind stood still for a moment as a voice rose up beside her. “Haven’t seen you here for a bit, Heidi. Welcome back.”
She tilted her head toward his voice as he sat down next to her. A smile flirted onto the corners of her mouth. “Speak for yourself, Andy. I never left Wonderland. I’m here in my mind all the time. Where have you been?”
“Oh, here and there.”
“Oh, this and that.”
Heidi chuckled and turned away. “Always the enigma.”
“Yes of course. But not today. Today is a special day, Heidi. Today is-“
“I know what today is, Andy. How could I not? But please, let’s not talk about that. Let’s just rest here a minute.” Heidi closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it fall out of her mouth in a heavy sigh.
“Heidi, we-“
She put her hand up to stop his words, before lowering her finger to her lips, shushing him. “Don’t ruin today, please. Just let me fall asleep in the grass and don’t wake me up,” she whispered.
“Ok, Heidi. Rest easy. I’ll stand watch, just like when we were young. I’ll keep the monsters away.” He looked at his sister lying in the grass, the wind now a velvet blanket easing her to sleep. “The monsters won’t find you here. I’m King Arthur, remember?”

“I’ll fight the monsters, my lady! I’ll chase them away, for I am King Arthur, brave and true!” Andy was ten and sporting a bright yellow cast. Tromping through the bushes, he swung his sword gallantly.
Over on the other side of the yard, Heidi held down tree limbs forming her prison. Her eight-year-old voice called out to her brother in alarm, “They are coming closer, Arthur! Don’t let them eat me!” Her pitch grew as she continued crying out support to the brave soldier battling the invisible monsters invading their homeland.
Her knight fought bravely. The trolls were toppled, the sea monster shamed, the dragon defeated, and the goblins groveled on their knees to be spared. “I am a merciful King, you beasts! If you promise to serve no one else but me and my sister, you may live.”
“PAUSE!” Heidi shrieked as she ran from her prison cell and feel onto her knees in front of her brother. Scrunching her face, and shrinking her arms until she resembled a newly hatched T-Rex, Heidi presented herself before her King. “We the goblins promise to be loyal subjects! I will take out the garbage for you and your sister and… and… make all of the beds!”
“You must shake my hand for the deal to be good, you disgusting creature.” King Arthur extended his good arm out to his sister. Slowly, she gripped his hand as he shouted, “From this day on this girl shall be my slave! Heidi Chapel will forever serve me, the mighty KING ANDY!”
“That’s not the game, Andy! Let me go!” Andy tightened his grip on her hand as she struggled to pull away. She toppled him, pushing herself on top of him, still trying to free her hand. The two twisted and turned about the yard, grass stains piling up on Andy’s cast and Heidi’s new white summer dress. With angry tears flowing down Heidi’s face, her throat sore from shouting, the fighting wore on until a voice sounded from within the house.
“ANDREW DANIEL CHAPEL! What do you think you are doing? You know you have to be more careful with that cast! Get up right now before you need a matching one on your right arm! Heidi, look at your dress! What are you, a barn animal?” Their mother was an imposing woman in her cream-colored blazer and navy dress. She had her hair twisted into a tight bun, not a hair daring to move out of place. Her kind eyes, revealing an inner child that couldn’t be deterred from playing just by wearing stiff clothing, softened her imposing air.
“MOM! Andy says I have to do all his chores for him because I shook his hand! But I wasn’t shaking his hand, Mom! He was being King Arthur and I was being a goblin!”
“But you always look like a goblin, stupid! That’s why the trick worked,” Andy laughed.
“Andy, be nice to your sister! Playtime is over. Heidi, you don’t have to do any chores but your own chores. Andy, apologize to your sister. And both of you get in this house right now. You both have to change now before we go to lunch with your grandmother. Hurry up.” As she turned around, her motherly scowl turned into a smile that reached from ear to ear and warmed her soul.
Apathetically, Andy rolled his eyes toward his sister. “Heidi, I’m sorry I said you looked like a goblin. And I guess since you’re a baby who got mom involved you don’t have to do my chores.”
“I’m NOT a baby and you’re NOT sorry! I hate you forever and I’ll never talk to you again!” Heidi ran off into the house, leaving King Arthur defenseless and alone in the golden afternoon. 

Hump Day Jams

Wednesday, May 22

It's been a very chill time here for the past few days. I am on my last class of book work for my dental assisting certificate. Next I'm ready to do all sorts of stuff with my hands! I'm excited to get down to some real work.

On Monday I had the enormous treat of being on my gmail at the same time one of my best friends was. Garrett is on his 2 year trek of religion in Argentina and because of that, the letters are few and far between. But because we were on at the same time, it was like we were texting each other. It was so so magical. I cried and had to leave my classroom because I was so emotional. That day made the rest of this week feel very nostalgic and lovely. This song sort of sounds like that. It's called Hero by Family of the Year. The lyrics are so simple and wonderful.

First Comes Love

Sunday, May 19

What an amazing gift of a week. I got to see a very dear friend on her wedding day, another friend spoke about faith, hope, and charity as she prepares for her 18 month trek of faith, and I spent some amazing and much needed quality time with my best friend.

But one of the most impactful moments this week was sitting with my best friends, looking FRESH TO DEATH, at Maddy's wedding.

Sorry we're so pretty
Watching their wedding video blew my mind. Seeing these two different people live their lives separately and then spontaneously come together just amazes me. To think that you can live your life and experience so many things, never knowing that one day someone will drift into your life and engross it so fully. It's so beautiful and so magical. It's sublime.

Like all girls, we admired the beautiful couple, shoved about 300 chocolate covered strawberries into our mouths, and began planning our own weddings. That's another thing I love about weddings. The spirit of love is contagious. Everyone is misty eyed watching this new couple starting their lives together, old couples rediscover their love in little stolen glances shared between themselves. RUB A DUB DUB I LOVE LOVE. 

As we stood watching Maddy's father-daughter dance, some movement off to my side caught my attention. I turned around and saw an elderly couple dancing together in the corner of the party. They weren't looking at us, they weren't looking anywhere but in each other's eyes. My heart flew when I saw them, imagining them on their wedding day, twirling around each other, their entire lives ahead of them. I turned back to see Maddy, now dancing slowly with her new husband, and couldn't help but cry. It was such a gorgeous night for a beautiful outdoor reception. Such a gorgeous night for love. TOO BAD for me, the only guy I was interested in was the DJ... who I noticed had a ring on his finger... stupid. I hope his wife realizes how hot he is. Cause dang. He was a gem. 

I've always had some mixed marriage feelings. My parents don't have the greatest track record for marriage. Not even a little. And as hard as it was growing around such trying circumstances and with such negativity and resistance thrown at me and the institution of marriage, I never gave up on love. There were two roads I could have taken. I could have let those negative feelings taken root inside of me like those negative people wanted them to, or I could have bounced back, more dedicated and believing in love than before. 

Image via Wordpress
I chose the second road. I am such a strong believer in love. I believe in true love. I believe in a love that is all consuming and powerful and patient. I believe in a love worth waiting for. I believe in fun and play. I believe in romance and lust. I love love. And no matter how many horrible relationships I go through, how many times my heart gets broken, how many hearts I somehow manage to break, I will always keep looking for love and believing in love. Hoping for it and celebrating it when I find it, even if I only find it for a short time. 

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my managers at work the other day. He recently got married and I asked him how married life was treating him. A very warm smile creeped onto his face as he said, "Married life is amazing. I am so blessed." His warmth spread into my chest and I smiled with him. I said it was so nice to hear that he loved married life. I told him I usually hear such negative things about marriage, only that it's hard. He looked at me and calmly stated, "Marriage is only negative if you marry a negative person. I am always thrilled to go home to her, Emma. I want to work with her on our lives forever." His sentiment inspired me and touched my heart. Then it got a little weird when I cried while I made his frappuccino but I mean... that's neither here nor there. 

I don't care about what the negative people say about marriage. I'm excited for that struggle because I know that that struggle will be the best struggle of my life. Congratulations to Maddy and Bryan on their beautiful wedding day and their beautiful lives together. And also congrats to whoever my future husband is. Don't know who you are yet, but prepare yourself for a lifetime of fun. I have some things planned for us. Get Ready, sweetheart. :)

Hump Day Jams

Wednesday, May 15

Barely getting these jams flowing under the wire! I had a very busy day out with the best of the best Niki. Saw Gatsby for the 4th time, had a rainbow. Today was splendid.

Yesterday was a rough one. One of my absolute best friends on Earth left for an 18 month sojourn to Minnesota (dontcha knooooo). I'm gonna miss her terribly but I cannot wait to write that girl a plethora of letters.

I went to her house yesterday to see her off. Shelby went to the wonderful trouble of burning a few people a CD that sounded like her and had some of her favorite songs. After we said our "see you in a minute" and many tears were shed, I drove up to my favorite look out spot in the mountains to listen to her CD. While I was listening I wrote her the first of many letters. She's going to be amazing. And she is so beautiful.

This was one of the songs on her CD and it's one of my absolute favorite songs in the world. Who doesn't love Paul McCartney? Seriously the cutest man.

So this one is for Shelby and my other missionary out in the field. See you in nine months, G. I love you.

See you in a minute :)


Saturday, May 11

"Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are books like An Imperial Affliction, which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like betrayal." -John Green, The Fault in our Stars

So. This is a topic that I feel will appear in quite a few posts on this blog and it's a topic I've had a hard time getting in to because my mind is a jumble of words when it comes to it. The topic:


(what Gatsby? Har har har... literary humor har har)  The Great Gatsby is my favorite book. Of all time and eternity. The word favorite doesn't even really encompass the way I feel about this book. It doesn't feel special enough to call this book a favorite book. It doesn't feel... sacred, like this book is to me.

 The above John Green quote, however, sums it all up quite nicely. I feel both ways about Gatsby. I feel as though you will never understand how my brain works until you've read this book. That part of my soul lives and breathes on those pages. But I also feel as though nobody can understand this book like I do. That Jay Gatsby is mine and nobody understand how he feels and I don't want people reading a book about him and misunderstanding him. This book is my lifeblood, it's my greatest passion, it's the thing I love the most on this Earth. This is the book I read 6-7 times a year, a book permanently stationed on my night stand. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I need something to comfort me, or I can't settle on a new book to read, Gatsby is always there waiting for me.

This was a book I never talked about as being a favorite. I'd rattle off my list of favorite books when asked: Looking for Alaska, The Book Thief, Perks of Being a Wallflower, etc. Never Gatsby. Gatsby was a private book since the first time I read it when I was 16. It was a private obsession that flowered in my mind only in the dark of night when I would read through my favorite passages on my own. It was mine. I never even talked much about it with people I dated or loved for fear that after ending relationships with them, my book would become tainted by them. I kept it pure.

Then my friends and I began a book club and selected Gatsby as our February read. I was excited to talk about this book with people I respected and loved. People who I knew would respect my near obsession with this book. For the first time I was finally able to vocalize and ponder WHY this book had taken over my thoughts and why Jay Gatsby became the secret specter of my mind, a vision who made his home in my head. I read it closely and wrote endless pages about what this book and man were to me. Something snapped in me then, a hidden spark burst into wildfire. This secret affair with this book became too large and too important to remain hidden. 

I feel as though I understand Gatsby. I have his same obsession with the past, the same thirst to keep that one beautiful moment that has managed to define our lives pure and golden. We have an inexhaustible gift of nostalgia and hope for ourselves and our lives. I connect with him and the words on these pages. I started developing too many thoughts about this book to keep them all to myself. It became bigger than me, a romantic vision that kept me awake most nights thinking of Gatsby. We both stayed awake in the dark reaching for a green light. He was mine. 

A few weeks back, I went to visit a dear friend who teaches at Davis High school. We got talking about Gatsby, as any conversation eventually leads. I got emotional as I was talking about it, as I normally do. He was very taken by my response to the book and invited me to come teach a few of his classes about the book. I was so excited. I went home and wrote up a whole bunch of thoughts about the book and prepared my lecture. He told me I'd have a half hour to fill and after the first lesson, it became apparent that that was not enough time. I think I spent about 45 minutes talking about the book with the last class. I could have kept going. I could always keep going.

Then it came time to see the movie. I was incredibly nervous to see this movie, but I knew that nothing could live up to the vision of this book I had stored in my ghostly heart (reference to the book anyone? Leo DiCaprio is the perfect Gatsby, I adore Carey Mulligan, Tobey McGuire made me nervous but he had an awkward energy that Nick always had. I love Moulin Rouge and the energy that film has, an energy I believe Gatsby has. I was so excited.

I saw this movie for the first time Thursday night at 11 with a dear friend, Shelby. We both sat anxious and excited, waiting with baited breath. It began... and I couldn't handle it. It was perfect. It was unreal how much this film matched what I had in my head.

My biggest fear for this movie was that it would be too grand, too loud, too focused on the partying. The trailer made it seem draped in excess and the soundtrack talked a lot about wealth and party. I was nervous because it needs to be understood that Gatsby is not a party novel. Jay Gatsby isn't concerned with his wealth, he's concerned with his golden girl. But the movie did an incredible job with the parties. Through all of his parties you got the sense of the thrill, but never lost sight of the true meaning behind them and the fallacy of the parties. Just like Jay Gatsby, the glitz of the parties cannot hide the pain of his life. The movie remained centered on the man even through the parties. 

His eyes. "His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one."

In summation of the movie I'll quote Jordan Baker. "Anyhow, he gives large parties and I like large parties. They're so intimate. At small parties there isn't any privacy." That's what the movie felt like. It was cerebral and very internal. A grand affair that remained focused on the intimacy and acute sense of life Gatsby had. 

This movie felt as though it was made for me. There are sentences and moment in the novel that I have always felt to be the most important and beautiful that I had never head talked about. They hadn't appeared in either of the two film versions I had seen previously. But Baz Lurhmann picked up on them like I did. He made them so central in the film just as they were in my brain. The theme of Nick seeing himself as inward and outward was something that never felt central to the films. It was here. Gatsby too, like Nick, was inward and outward of his own life, half living in his dreams.

The attention to detail was incredible. From the clothing being spot on to how the book described it to little mannerisms of Gatsby tapping his foot restlessly on the car ride into the city. It was palpable how much Baz adores this book and how much he adores Gatsby. It was a very Gatsby-centric movie. The added dialogue Gatsby had to bring more understanding to his obsession with Daisy's singular love was beautiful.

The scene that broke my heart was when Jay and Nick are talking by the pool after the party Daisy and Tom attend. He's worried about the fact that Daisy didn't like it. This scene in the book is incredibly powerful but this scene in the movie... the added thoughts Gatsby spoke... it was like watching my mind on the screen. Gatsby vocalized thoughts I've had about this book since I first read it that had never been spoken before. Gatsby says something along the lines of, "It's so sad. It's so sad because Daisy doesn't understand. I've gotten all these things for her but I can't make her understand. I need her to tell Tom she never loved him." Lurhmann gets Gatsby. He gets his pain and struggle. He understands like I do that it is NEVER too much to ask for singular love. I could die talking about how perfectly Lurhmann understood the character.

Look at the pain in his eyes. Unreal.
But even more than Lurhmann understanding it, Leonardo DiCaprio understands Jay Gatsby. There are moments in that movie that wouldn't be possible if he was just a good actor. Yes. He is incredibly talented and he disappears into this role. But there is also an energy that Leo gives. He understands Gatsby. There are things he does for this role that go beyond talent, go beyond acting. He was living and breathing this role. Every time he talks about Daisy, he has a ring of tears in his eyes.

His eyes, though.
He gave Gatsby the vulnerability that has been missing in EVERY film version I have seen. He made this enigma become the realest character in the book and on the screen. He became easier to understand. He stepped out from behind his Gatsby smile and became the hurt man he truly is. I was left breathless by this performance. It's a performance that I feel will never be topped for me. He was Gatsby. He always was.

Nick, Tom, Daisy, Myrtle... they were all perfect. They all acted as I've seen these characters for years. This movie was the soul of this novel. The focus was on Gatsby and his belief in the Green Light, not on the American Dream. I've never seen this novel as focused on the American Dream. There is for sure a level of commentary in there, but not nearly as much as is constantly placed on it. This is a novel of nostalgia and past, remembrance and regret. It's a novel about Gatsby. Fitzgerald played with calling this book The American Dream, but it's not about that at all. It's about Gatsby and the vision he had of himself in his heart. This film was Baz Lurhmann's heart and soul, and it was mine too.

I would apologize for the length of this post but even this feels short to me. I have an enormous amount of words for this book and this barely scratches the surface. Thank you to those who stuck through and read the entire thing. I feel like this is the most important post I could ever write. It was cathartic to write it and to finally let people maybe understand why this book is so vital in my life. Sure, it's an extreme love, but when I love I love like Jay Gatsby. I love with my entire being, I love forever, I love with a force that controls my life and changes my destiny. In the words of Gatsby, I felt myself falling in love with this book "and I just let myself go."

Thank you for reading. And an eternal thank you to Fitzgerald for his velvet words and his ghostly Gatsby, the sweeping story that will enchant my life and my mind for an eternity.

Even Hell Can Be Pretty

Wednesday, May 8

This video is wonderful. These words are powerful. Share this with those in need.

You are beautiful, world. You are worth it. You are gold.

Hump Day Jams

This is something I did on my old blog every Wednesday and I loved it. Bringing it back around!

Today is amazing. Rain like this makes me feel alive and at peace. Everything feels clean and lovely.

It's been a great week with tomorrow being the cherry on top. GATSBY. Needless to say I have been listening to nothing but the movie soundtrack since it came out Monday night. But two weeks ago, they released the single Lana Del Rey wrote specifically for the film. Or... to be more specific, the book. Lana is my favorite artist by far. Hands down. Her words are like velvet, just how I view Fitzgerald's words. She paints gorgeous and glamours pictures with her music. Who better to write a song for Gatsby. It's called Young and Beautiful and it's been the only song I've listened to for two weeks.

This song is completely Jay Gatsby. It feels like that perfect man. It's beautiful and dark and cinematic. Lana always sounds like she's on the verge of an orgasm when she sings. Gatsby lived his life on the verge of orgasm. Reading that book makes me feel orgasmic. This song is orgasmic.

Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I've got nothing but my aching soul?

All the ways I got to know
Your pretty face 
And Electric Soul

Oh that grace, oh that body,
Oh that face, makes me want to party.

Stunning song for a stunning day.


Tuesday, May 7

Also! I am just starting to learn about the website Bloglovin! Follow me on there and spread the blog love :)

<a href="">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

I feel like this link does nothing for you... soo..... they said I needed it to claim my blog? Who knows? Freaking internet...

On Hope

It's been a bit of a rough week here in the world I live in. Lots of information coming all at once and lots of emotions and epiphany type feelings happening. It's been rough but it's also been very enlightening. I've done a lot of reflecting about why I write and why I blog, even why I feel the need to share my blog.

When I set out to write a blog, I knew that I didn't want it to be an online diary. If I wanted a diary, I would need it to be kept private, not share it with the universe to get attention to my every day struggles and worries. I wanted to write a blog so I could reflect on the moments in my life that have pushed me the most, so I can look back during rough times and see the little moments of hope I had. I also wanted people who read my blog to feel inspired and changed after reading my blog, even if the change was just for the day or the hour. I want to make people think and I want to make people feel.

I share my blog with people I care about, and people who care about me. Maybe there is someone who reads my blog that will never tell me about it who will get something amazing out of read it. I'll never know, so the least I can do is share it and update it regularly with well thought out, well crafted posts. There will also be funny stories because what's life without humor, what's sorrow without humor? I want people to feel something when I write, whether it's a blog or a short story or a book. Even a text message.

That's why I want to write too. I've read books that have changed the way I feel, the way I look at life, the way I write. If I could do that for some other sixteen year old girl riddled with angst and unrequited love, my job will be complete. (I also wouldn't mind having a New York Times best seller that's displayed on every shelf of Barnes and Noble... but... you know.... I'd be cool without that.)

Yesterday, at what felt like the climax of a Week of Death, I was sitting in my bath tub when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore. When did that happen?!?! My problems have morphed from finding the right cotillion dress, to high school theater classes ending, to picking a college, to watching a cousin go to jail. WHAT. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I'm an adult. It happened without my knowledge and suddenly here I am. Into roughly my third year of college, out of high school for three years. I started my senior year four years ago. I cannot believe that. I remember what I wore on my first day of high school.

But you know what comes with growing up? Besides eventual death? Unimaginable hope. I have so much hope for my future and for the future of my generation. Life is so rough and as awful as aging is, as we talk about when we drive around with our best friends, talking about the past and growing up, we all perpetuate the cycle. We keep pushing forward through our lives and we keep having children and watching them grow up. The cycle won't end. We will keep growing up, making adult decisions, and keep hoping. Keep reaching for that hope.

To quote my main man F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... and one fine morning--" (Brief pause to reflect on the beauty of this sentence. It doesn't end. "One fine morning--"  it leaves me breathless.)

This sort of hope is why I love Young Adult literature. When you read a book geared at adults, it always just.... ends. No hope, the story finishes, the characters are done with their tale and that's all there is to it. But in YA lit, the story ends with hope. The character overcomes his obstacle and still believes life will get better. We grow from it. We are sad but we learn from it and the hope comes back. John Green said it best at the end of his book, Looking for Alaska. Yes, I'm quoting it again. I told you, the book changed my life.

"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparable broken. We think we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

I feel so bad for the adults who have lost that hope and resent who they are. Someone very close to me is like that and it makes me so sad. Yu can always change who you are, you are never irreparable or stuck. You are NEVER broken to the point where there is no coming back. You will always come back, and you will come back stronger than ever. I want to write books that feel like this. I want to give the youth of today even more hope than they already have. If you feed them hope, they remain hopeful as they age. I was on my way to being a resentful adult but I filled my teen years with the words of authors feeding me hope and now, I want to return that hope because it's how I feel inside.

This song always fills me with that hope. It's a quiet, subtle song that is just beautiful. The words are perfect.

You're body cannot stop rocking,
I know it hurts to let go.

We will be with you
When you're leaving.
We will be with you,
when you go.

We will be with you
and hold you til you're quiet,
It hurts to let you go.

So good. Enjoy this song, enjoy this blog, enjoy hope. I love you all.


Sunday, May 5

Hello! So as you can see, my blog has been pretty sparse, which is pretty sad. When I started blogging last year on an old blog, I kept up with it so much and it was so amazing to have that outlet and to share myself and my writing with the world. But that blog stopped feeling like me, so I created this new blog.

The problem I faced when I created this blog was that I created it in a state of transition. After that transitional time had passed and life was feeling a bit more normal, this blog felt a bit too dark for me. The color scheme was wrong, the layout felt lackluster, it didn't feel like me. It felt like my words sort of tiptoeing around in the weird living room at your grandmother's house where nobody is allowed.

I started looking at some other blogs of people I really enjoy. Their blogs looked like them. They looked like a safe space for those people that was a home for their words to lay back in and be admired. I wanted that feeling.

So with the help of my dear, beautiful friend Shelby (Who.. bless her heart, cannot work a Mac) my blog got a much needed makeover! It feels lighter and freer and so much more me. It feels like a safe space and I cannot wait to fill it with words and music and love.

I hope you follow me along :)

ALSO I have a blog where I review the books I read. The link to that blog can be found at the top of the page :) I hope you check that blog out too. Happy reading!