Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By right we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
Thank you, Sam. Your words are always the greatest comfort.
What an amazing gift of a week. I got to see a very dear friend on her wedding day, another friend spoke about faith, hope, and charity as she prepares for her 18 month trek of faith, and I spent some amazing and much needed quality time with my best friend.
But one of the most impactful moments this week was sitting with my best friends, looking FRESH TO DEATH, at Maddy's wedding.
Sorry we're so pretty
Watching their wedding video blew my mind. Seeing these two different people live their lives separately and then spontaneously come together just amazes me. To think that you can live your life and experience so many things, never knowing that one day someone will drift into your life and engross it so fully. It's so beautiful and so magical. It's sublime.
Like all girls, we admired the beautiful couple, shoved about 300 chocolate covered strawberries into our mouths, and began planning our own weddings. That's another thing I love about weddings. The spirit of love is contagious. Everyone is misty eyed watching this new couple starting their lives together, old couples rediscover their love in little stolen glances shared between themselves. RUB A DUB DUB I LOVE LOVE.
As we stood watching Maddy's father-daughter dance, some movement off to my side caught my attention. I turned around and saw an elderly couple dancing together in the corner of the party. They weren't looking at us, they weren't looking anywhere but in each other's eyes. My heart flew when I saw them, imagining them on their wedding day, twirling around each other, their entire lives ahead of them. I turned back to see Maddy, now dancing slowly with her new husband, and couldn't help but cry. It was such a gorgeous night for a beautiful outdoor reception. Such a gorgeous night for love. TOO BAD for me, the only guy I was interested in was the DJ... who I noticed had a ring on his finger... stupid. I hope his wife realizes how hot he is. Cause dang. He was a gem.
I've always had some mixed marriage feelings. My parents don't have the greatest track record for marriage. Not even a little. And as hard as it was growing around such trying circumstances and with such negativity and resistance thrown at me and the institution of marriage, I never gave up on love. There were two roads I could have taken. I could have let those negative feelings taken root inside of me like those negative people wanted them to, or I could have bounced back, more dedicated and believing in love than before.
Image via Wordpress
I chose the second road. I am such a strong believer in love. I believe in true love. I believe in a love that is all consuming and powerful and patient. I believe in a love worth waiting for. I believe in fun and play. I believe in romance and lust. I love love. And no matter how many horrible relationships I go through, how many times my heart gets broken, how many hearts I somehow manage to break, I will always keep looking for love and believing in love. Hoping for it and celebrating it when I find it, even if I only find it for a short time.
I had a wonderful conversation with one of my managers at work the other day. He recently got married and I asked him how married life was treating him. A very warm smile creeped onto his face as he said, "Married life is amazing. I am so blessed." His warmth spread into my chest and I smiled with him. I said it was so nice to hear that he loved married life. I told him I usually hear such negative things about marriage, only that it's hard. He looked at me and calmly stated, "Marriage is only negative if you marry a negative person. I am always thrilled to go home to her, Emma. I want to work with her on our lives forever." His sentiment inspired me and touched my heart. Then it got a little weird when I cried while I made his frappuccino but I mean... that's neither here nor there.
I don't care about what the negative people say about marriage. I'm excited for that struggle because I know that that struggle will be the best struggle of my life. Congratulations to Maddy and Bryan on their beautiful wedding day and their beautiful lives together. And also congrats to whoever my future husband is. Don't know who you are yet, but prepare yourself for a lifetime of fun. I have some things planned for us. Get Ready, sweetheart. :)
It's been a bit of a rough week here in the world I live in. Lots of information coming all at once and lots of emotions and epiphany type feelings happening. It's been rough but it's also been very enlightening. I've done a lot of reflecting about why I write and why I blog, even why I feel the need to share my blog.
When I set out to write a blog, I knew that I didn't want it to be an online diary. If I wanted a diary, I would need it to be kept private, not share it with the universe to get attention to my every day struggles and worries. I wanted to write a blog so I could reflect on the moments in my life that have pushed me the most, so I can look back during rough times and see the little moments of hope I had. I also wanted people who read my blog to feel inspired and changed after reading my blog, even if the change was just for the day or the hour. I want to make people think and I want to make people feel.
I share my blog with people I care about, and people who care about me. Maybe there is someone who reads my blog that will never tell me about it who will get something amazing out of read it. I'll never know, so the least I can do is share it and update it regularly with well thought out, well crafted posts. There will also be funny stories because what's life without humor, what's sorrow without humor? I want people to feel something when I write, whether it's a blog or a short story or a book. Even a text message.
That's why I want to write too. I've read books that have changed the way I feel, the way I look at life, the way I write. If I could do that for some other sixteen year old girl riddled with angst and unrequited love, my job will be complete. (I also wouldn't mind having a New York Times best seller that's displayed on every shelf of Barnes and Noble... but... you know.... I'd be cool without that.)
Yesterday, at what felt like the climax of a Week of Death, I was sitting in my bath tub when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore. When did that happen?!?! My problems have morphed from finding the right cotillion dress, to high school theater classes ending, to picking a college, to watching a cousin go to jail. WHAT. I feel like I woke up one day and realized I'm an adult. It happened without my knowledge and suddenly here I am. Into roughly my third year of college, out of high school for three years. I started my senior year four years ago. I cannot believe that. I remember what I wore on my first day of high school.
But you know what comes with growing up? Besides eventual death? Unimaginable hope. I have so much hope for my future and for the future of my generation. Life is so rough and as awful as aging is, as we talk about when we drive around with our best friends, talking about the past and growing up, we all perpetuate the cycle. We keep pushing forward through our lives and we keep having children and watching them grow up. The cycle won't end. We will keep growing up, making adult decisions, and keep hoping. Keep reaching for that hope.
To quote my main man F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... and one fine morning--" (Brief pause to reflect on the beauty of this sentence. It doesn't end. "One fine morning--" it leaves me breathless.)
This sort of hope is why I love Young Adult literature. When you read a book geared at adults, it always just.... ends. No hope, the story finishes, the characters are done with their tale and that's all there is to it. But in YA lit, the story ends with hope. The character overcomes his obstacle and still believes life will get better. We grow from it. We are sad but we learn from it and the hope comes back. John Green said it best at the end of his book, Looking for Alaska. Yes, I'm quoting it again. I told you, the book changed my life.
"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparable broken. We think we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
I feel so bad for the adults who have lost that hope and resent who they are. Someone very close to me is like that and it makes me so sad. Yu can always change who you are, you are never irreparable or stuck. You are NEVER broken to the point where there is no coming back. You will always come back, and you will come back stronger than ever. I want to write books that feel like this. I want to give the youth of today even more hope than they already have. If you feed them hope, they remain hopeful as they age. I was on my way to being a resentful adult but I filled my teen years with the words of authors feeding me hope and now, I want to return that hope because it's how I feel inside.
This song always fills me with that hope. It's a quiet, subtle song that is just beautiful. The words are perfect.
You're body cannot stop rocking, I know it hurts to let go. We will be with you When you're leaving. We will be with you, when you go. We will be with you and hold you til you're quiet, It hurts to let you go.
So good. Enjoy this song, enjoy this blog, enjoy hope. I love you all.
School teaches you so much. That's what I'm mostly learning in this new school environment. I've never done school like I am right now in the Dental Assisting program. It's been a very new experience and it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things I have to learn before I can move forward in my life.
This program is a go-at-your-own-pace program. You register for a class and then you have until a certain end date to complete the course. The end date is determined by how often you are at the school and how many credit hours the course is. So, for example, if I'm in a 30 hour course, and I am on the campus for a total of 12 hours, I have about two weeks to complete the class. If I don't finish in that time, I have to re-enroll and pay for the class again just to finish. Boo to that.
You really have to push yourself and keep yourself motivated to get things done. In class, the teachers aren't at the front of the board telling you what to study or reading you the lesson. There isn't a specific date to take the test. You have a guide sheet, a text book, and yourself.
In a sense, it's been nice to not have to count down to a test. I hate knowing a test is coming and feeling so unprepared that you just bundle in a corner and will that test away. At least in this class, I decide if I'm ready for the test today, or if I want to study more and take it tomorrow. I've been lucky in that I'm smart and I've been able to finish all of my classes early and never had to deal with re-enrolling.
But aside from learning a whole bunch about teeth and junk (GUYS. GUYS. Floss. Seriously... floss. I've seen some stuff now and.... just floss.), I've learned so much more about myself and school and my mind:
Teachers will always be impressed with you if you can work technology.
So, nothing has changed since High School. Teachers think it is amazing when you can work stuff on the internet and make computers turn on and work projectors. My teacher Cathy thinks I am the bees knees because I know how to put files directly onto my flash drive and then put those files onto another computer. Today she asked me if I wouldn't mind doing her the HUGE favor of putting all of the power points I had on my flash drive for my past classes on all of the classroom computers. This took me about 4 minutes total but she was so impressed with me. It's nice to be praised for stuff that you think is so second nature to everyone. Remember that it's not and always be willing to help.
It's important and awesome to have teachers on your side.
Respect your teachers. I know that this seems like obvious advice but apparently it's not. There are a lot of different types of students in the dental assisting program. You have people like me, pursuing this career so that they can pursue other things. Mothers returning to school to better their families. High schoolers who don't really seem to care but come on A days anyway to get credit. Troubled youth trying to better themselves. With all of these different people come different attitudes. Most are positive and dedicated. Others... not so much. They talk poorly about their teachers, fail test after test, and laugh it all off. Joke's on you guys, teachers are important. Respect them and they respect you. I didn't think this would be as much of a problem after junior high, but sadly, some people don't seem to grow up.
There is a palpable difference between educated people and uneducated people.
Or in other words, be mature. There comes a point in life where it is no longer impressive to be texting 10 people at once and nobody cares if you put makeup on to come to school. The biggest issue I've had during this dental program is the fact that it's a tech school as opposed to a University setting. I'll admit to being pretentious and I'll admit it proudly, but at least now I know why. I'm sick of having to be in classes with 18 and 19 year olds who would rather sit and gossip about the smart girl in class passing all of her tests (That would be me. What a loser, right?) and then laughing with each other when a new girl starts class and her sweater has a few stains on it. Excuse her for taking care of a baby at home and also attending dental school. I know that high school never ends, everybody always says that. I just can say from experience that it takes leaving the high school mentality to realize that being a bitch will get you no where and cheating on tests will get you even fewer places. Looks aren't everything and I hope you learn that some day, sweetheart. Also, your boyfriend is probably cheating on you with someone smarter than you are. Great for you.
Truer words have never been spoken. And never by someone as perfect. DATE ME KATE.
I don't know everything/ I have zero patience
This lesson has been the biggest kick in the shorts to me. I've been lucky in that I've been able to study what I've wanted for the past few years. Acting, writing, English, selected awesome gen eds that I pick for my interests. I've learned a lot in my years so I've never really felt the need to push myself in school. I've taken classes that stay very close to my own interests so instead of learning something completely new, I've built upon subjects that I had already mastered. Dental assisting is completely and 1000% new to me and I have been shocked at the amount of studying I've had to do. This sounds stupid and, once again, I freely admit to being pretentious and snotty about my education, but I have been shocked at how much studying I do in order to pass tests. Granted, I am a smart person and thanks to spending years watching medical TV shows with my mom and on my own, I have a familiarity with some of the terms I've learned but so much is new. I always studied in school, don't get me wrong, but that was studying something that came easy to me, something I loved. English and acting and humanities are second nature to me. Dental decay, morphology and histology of teeth... not so much. I have been very humbled in this program. I don't know it all. You need to study and work hard and most importantly take time to let things soak in. Don't just skim your textbooks, read them. Absorb the words. Pay attention. I've been spending so much time thinking that my teachers would be more impressed with me if I finished classes the fastest. Joke is on me. They are impressed with me because I actually study, I don't cheat, I pay attention, and I retain information. I finish classes early because I'm naturally smart, not because I'm rushing. And they are impressed with that.
All in all, as much as I'm aching to be at the U finishing my English degree, I am very happy where I am. After having to push myself through my own education, being at a University will be such a relief. I don't have to depend on myself to set goals, I'll be able to go off of the teacher's well planned schedule and not make my own. I'll leave this program not just with a dental certification but with much more dedication to education and getting what I want for myself. I'm so lucky to be teaching myself these lessons as well as teaching myself about gum disease. Seriously though. FLOSS.
