growing where I am planted

Before getting too far in to talking about myself, I wanted to thank all of you so much for such a giant outpouring of love and support after my last post. It helped so much being able to walk around campus on my first day knowing that I had so much support and that you all believe in my so much. I am so lucky to have all of you :) Know that you are all loved. Every single one of you.

Anyway! I have now been in school for three days and my goodness. I am in love with it. It is everything I have ever wanted and everything I have never felt before. I leave every class with that delicious mixture of exhaustion and enthusiasm that drives me forward. My brain has been working non stop since the first day. I cannot wait to talk with you all about some of what we have been discussing in class :) I feel so hungry for this academic world and being surrounded by thinking people is a treat.

As much as I hate how long it took for me to get to the U and get to this point in  my life, I know that I wouldn't have been ready for it until now. I needed to be so sure of myself and my future before I started at this massive school where it is so easy to be lost and unsure of yourself. I know what I want, I know I can achieve it, and I cannot wait to make a name for myself.

I adore my professors. Signs of their brilliance: I'm taking a science class called Natural Disasters: Hollywood vs Reality. On the first day the professors says, "So, there isn't a super rigid syllabus because that's not my style. Also... during each class there is usually one big natural disaster. So, until that happens... we will just wait for disaster to strike and then study that." Then my Lit professor said this, "So, I prefer not using electronics in class but if you have to just... like... don't click on any pornadoes, yeah?" PORN. PORNADOES. Done. Done forever.

They are all so progressive and passionate and daring. I cannot wait to absorb everything they say. The homework is so much reading and I can feel my brain muscles flexing. I have never been this tired or this moved to keep working and writing. I'm getting all sorts of story inspiration! Now I just need time to write... :)

I cannot wait to keep going. It sort of feels like I've already been back in school for 600 years and it's only been three days but I already feel brighter and better. More soon, lovelies. I hope everyone is having as good a time in school as I am.

via *

don't wanna live in fear and loathing

I haven't slept in three days. I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. This situation has been a struggle, as to be expected.

I was talking with my mom about the events I last wrote about. She looked at me sheepishly and said "I hate making this situation about myself but... maybe she passed so that when others pass, she's there to lead the way. If she's there waiting to guide them, I'll be less sad about their loss. Is that horrible? I don't want this to be about me."

But we have to process death this way. We can never know the grand reasons, if any, for why people pass from this world. All we can do is make their passing meaningful for ourselves. We process things and internalize events in our own ways. We cope differently and that is beautiful.

Tonight, I talked with my dear friend Dixie, who is also a therapist. I told her that through all this, I have felt like I've really learned about myself and my observational focuses. This was a wake up call. It made me get brave. It's also driven me insane. It's made me lose sleep and pray and plead for connection. I said that I hated that I was making this situation about my love life and my messy mind. I said that it felt weird, that I wasn't normal. She said it was completely normal.

For whatever reason, every moment I witnessed of this past weekend was cloaked in connection. I watched my grandfather with my grandmother. I saw her friends saying goodbye. I noticed couples linking hands even through personal hardships. Some situations are bigger than every day fights. Sometimes all you can do is screw the past, move forward, clasp hands and share a heartbeat. 

That is what I've learned.

I'm sick of feeding off of my own doubts. About myself. About who I love. About things I will never have control over. I want to live my life in love and passionate embraces. I want my late nights to be full of liquid words spilling onto a page and shared discussions about every little thing.

I love who I love. Screw opinions from others. I'm not afraid of second chances. I'm not afraid of him. I'm wary of being caused pain, but I'm done staying awake hour upon hour feeling haunted by fears and doubts.

I'm not afraid of being attached. Acting unfeeling and convincing yourself that you are worthless or a bad person doesn't make you tough. It makes you a coward. I refuse to be anything but brave. I refuse to pretend my feelings don't exist.

I want my mind to shut down for a few days, but sadly I'll never get that wish. But you know what? I can turn those gears into a powerful machine that will move mountains and shatter barriers. I'll scream at the top of my lungs. I'll dance my ass off. I'll cry until I can't breathe. I'll feel with every atom I am made of.

Because life is so short. And this world is so beautiful. And love is so pure.

via *

This was all inspired by this song by Marina and the Diamonds. Who is everything. Please listen.

There is no crime in being kind.

Not everyone is out to screw you over.

Maybe, yeah just maybe 

they just want to get to know you.

Now the time is here,

baby you don't have to live your life in fear.

And the sky is clear. 

It's clear of fear.

Don't wanna live in fear and loathing,

I wanna feel like I am floating

instead of constantly exploding,

in fear and loathing.

three worlds

Right now my head is inhabiting three very different worlds simultaneously, all coming together in the strangest connected web. That connection tells me that fate is playing a little waiting game with me, a cruel game of keep away. Not cruel in the usual sense. Not a mocking cruelty. More like a cruelty that is teaching me patience, the meaning of following your heart, the meaning of resilience and diligence, the meaning of what it feels like to see it all coming together right in front of you, just out of reach.

World one is the present. I'm here, coasting along. The present is the blank canvas. It's there, there isn't much going on, but it is there and ready to burst with potential.

World two is the past. This is the defiant splash of red paint that seeps deep into the canvas and gives it life and breath. It's all of the little coincidences that is making my world come together and keeps hinting at a future that I am more than ready for. Over the past few weeks, little bits and pieces of life have been reappearing in front of me that eerily connect to things that were happening at the same time last year at this time. An old friend who I had dinner with on the night of a very tender memory contacted me yesterday after I spent all day planning to contact him. Eery fate. A group of customers who used to frequent my cafe, who then ended up being jerks and disappeared, have began reappearing at their little corner table. Weird fate. That late night lonely feeling has crept back in. The kind that can only be quenched with either a Netflix binge accompanied by a late night cheeseburger or staying up rereading the darkly sexy passages of Lolita. Fate is toying with me and watching me squirm. The suspense is killing me, darling fate.

The puzzle pieces are all laid next to each other, they just need a little urging to get them connected in the right way.

World three is the imminent future. It's destiny and it's hope. It's the moment when you step back from the Monet to see the full picture pixelating together before your eyes. It's the moment you can feel coming in your heart long before your brain gets the memo.

I can feel you in my bones. I feel you in my soul. The wait is long and lonely. I know that the three worlds run on my ability to over think and over analyze. I know these are dangerous and if my ability to over analyze and over think could power the world, we would have an energy overload and no need for fossil fuels. But analysis and deep thought make me feel powerful and dangerous. And feeling dangerous makes me feel you.

via *

Penpal Post

Can we all agree that snail mail is by far the most superior way to communicate? It's so personal and loving that someone would take the time to write you a letter or send you a package. And it makes me feel like an adult to get a letter that's all mine. Not junk mail or a bill, but a letter just for me. 

I've always wanted a penpal so when the lovely Emerald Dove put up a post asking for a penpal I jumped at the chance! Lauren is the absolute cutest person in the world. She is so smart and so sweet and I cannot cannot CANNOT wait to get to know her more through our package exchanges. Her package to me was exceptionally wonderful. Take a peek:

She's from the UK, which is phenomenal. I've always had an obsession with England. Once when I was a little girl and a teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was a grown-up I answered "British." I'm working on it! She asked me if there was anything specific I wanted her to send me. I asked for a Ribena, a British drink I found at a British store in Salt Lake once and become completely obsessed with. I also asked for Maoam's candies since there is a handsome British youtuber who loves them. I've been dying to try them! (They were amazing! All the best parts of Laffy Taffy's without the waxiness of American candy.) The Cadbury bar was just a lovely surprise :)

I also had the idea to send each other a copy of a favorite book that has a different cover in the UK vs the USA. She's a fellow book lover and I personally feel that there is no greater bond than sharing books. She sent me a copy of The Book Thief that I have been dying to get. This book is my absolute favorite (Along with Gatsby) and the British cover is perfect beyond words. It's quite possible that I cried when I saw it and held it and smelled it. Oh books. 

It was the best surprise to get the package in my mailbox on Friday. On an unrelated note, I also got my official acceptance letter to the University of Utah so I can go back to school in January. I opened the letter and felt an immense sense of calm and purpose come over me. My future is all coming together, one gorgeous puzzle piece at a time. 

The mail was full of wonder on Friday. Even my text message inbox was full of a lovely surprise from the perfect boy. It's coming together, everyone. October is nailing it. 

a small voice with large sentiment

Hello beautiful people.

For lack of better words, it has been a pretty hellacious few days here. My tightrope has been shaking quite a bit and my footing has fallen quite a few times. I'm still missing him like crazy, it feels like my internship will never end, a dear friend of mine is struggling with a break up (sends every hug in the world), and I just found out my grandmother was just diagnosed with cancer. So, this weekend could have been better.

There were a few bright sides this weekend, though. For one thing, my grandmother is just fine. She doesn't feel like it's her time or that it's anything to fret much over. She's still planning a cruise this February with my grandfather and she will be in Europe this summer come hell or high water. She's a soldier. I think I'm probably more upset than she is. I just don't like hearing about cancer in the fam. That hit my clan hard a few years ago and it always shocks my system. But if she's not worried, I'll try to not worry as well. But all good vibes are welcome her way.

Bright side two, a dear dear (I'm saying it Shelby) BEST friend of mine is staying in town and we get to live together :) I'm breaking the news. I'm excited. So thrilled. This girl has become a rock for me. I love you.

Bright side three. I had been missing my favorite bracelet and I found my favorite shirt missing yesterday. I was already emotional so I was just over the edge here you guys. BUT I found both my shirt and my bracelet.

Bright side four. You will never know how much it means to me to have you read my blog. This place is seriously the safest place I feel I have. I can say anything I want here and I love that I've created a home for my words here. The fact that some of you take a few moments out of your day to check in on my small corner of the internet means more to me than I can express in words. So here is just a little thank you from me. In hard times, the little encouragements I find in the comments or in direct emails light up my world. Today I got an email telling me my writing inspired them. But it's you that inspire me. Thank you so much for being here for me. I love you all with my whole heart.

Here's to a bright week ahead full of sun and moon xx

via *

warm visions

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I have a mere two weeks of my internships left. Two weeks until I can get back to my life. Two weeks until I can stop living for others and begin life for myself. Mr. Larsen told me a few weeks back that there is only so much a person can take of sitting in the used grey shadows of the dreams of others before their own dreams come busting forth too powerful to contain.

Life keeps inching forward toward happiness and growth and it's giving me warm visions for the future. You are in every single vision. Every night as the moon crests the mountains and life gets clearer and closer to the finish line of September, your face eases in to my mind like ink rushing across a page. Our hazy grey days keep swimming in my mind and brimming across my eyelids in steady waterfalls.

My inconstant moon- just out of reach- is keeping me up at night. I'll take the moon's indirect gaze until it is ready to warm my nights with it's silver grey light. I feel big things coming. I feel the moon pulling my hand forward like the tides.

High Noble

I'm happy I've gotten to a point in my life where I can see couples and instead of being jealous and annoyed, I can look at them with hope and admiration. I cannot wait to have what they have, I think.

I cannot wait until a man looks at me like that.

I cannot wait until I find my person.

I cannot wait to feel the peace of having my soulmate by my side.

I cannot wait to feel love again.

I watch TV shows and movies now and when I see a couple in love, instead of thinking "I want that man with ME" I think "I am so happy they found each other. These two souls have crossed paths somehow and made a beautiful, complete relationship. (Note... there are some characters that do belong with me. cough cough Jay Gatsby cough cough.)

A lot of people seem to call this attitude foolishly hopeful, young, inexperienced. But you know, as young as I am, I have had my fair share of experiences venturing in to the storm clouds of relationships and love. I've seen smooth sailing, I've seen stormy seas, and through it all my little boat has managed to hit land and endure, a little cracked but still afloat. What breaks us in the world, what rips our strings until they snap is what makes us hopeful.

"I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is." 

- John Green, Paper Towns

I was talking again with the dentist I'm currently working with when he asked me about my family. I told him my parents were divorced and he asked me why their relationship didn't work. I was surprised by his question but I slowly answered "They were different people. It wouldn't have worked no matter how hard they tried, I think. I wasn't there. I can't know." 

His eyes softened a bit as he thought for a moment. He smiled a bit and finally said:

"I'm sorry for that. But you know, relationships take a certain amount of science. It's like fusing two metals. You can take two base metals, two ugly metals that don't belong and through fire and heat, they come together to make an alloy, a high noble metal with such great value. But first, they have to start out weak and broken and ugly. You have to be very broken to come together to form something beautiful. Year after year of being broken and torn down lead to the heat of another person and after being broken down some more with them, you become this beautiful high noble. You have greater strength and greater resistance. And it's because you have them with you."

Let yourself be broken, let the fault lines rip you apart. Feel everything, but don't be afraid to fall in love again. I have fallen in love four times in my life and after each time, I thought there was no way I could ever feel whole again. But each time I let myself fall again, I felt my faith grow stronger instead of letting myself lose hope. 

The more broken, the more beauty is locked inside, the more precious of a metal you become. 

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Quote is from The Book Thief <3

Walking Irony

Time is flying this year, isn't it? Was it not JUST New Year? I remember New Year so vividly like it was yesterday and so much has changed. It was 7 months ago! It's gonna be Christmas tomorrow at this rate.

I sort of hate how time flies. And just like everyone always says, it goes faster the older I get. Good lord, I'm only 21. Time better simmer down if I plan to enjoy being 30 eventually. I just find it amazing when big things happen after loads of planning and time. It's like your high school graduation. You know it's coming for 13 years of school. You know it's always on the horizon. But one day you wake up, slip on your graduation robe, adjust your tassel, and have your dad drive you to your graduation. It feels surreal and is over so fast, just like everything amazing in this life.

I've spent so long planning for my future and now it's here for the most part. At least, the future I've been working towards for two years now. January is on her way, which means I finally get to be back at a University studying English like I want to be. (Brief side note, how DARE America not speak like the British do by saying "I'm at University reading English instead of majoring in? Real missed opportunity there.)

As excited as I am to get on my way to my dreams and my future, I'm so scared to leave where I am right now. I love my little twin size bed in the room I grew up in. I love having my dogs around me. (Real talk, I'm the saddest to leave my girls. Unbearable. Un. Bear. Able.) I love how my bed smells. I love my small town. I love knowing what I'm doing.

I like to be the best at things. I like to be good at what I'm doing and know what I'm doing. I hate feeling unsure or stuck in limbo. However, I love adventure. I'm walking irony. I love new things, but I hate being imperfect. I love new bedrooms and decorating, but I hate leaving my home. I thirst for new places and new people, but I'm so afraid to be hurt. I love irony and I hate it.

 I'm human juxtaposition.

This is a weird sort of word vomit of a post, but writing catharsis is always needed, yes? Not all words are flowering and pretty, but some rambling is needed for the flowers to grow.

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On Love and Lola

I love when a book keeps you awake at night and makes you hold your breath because of how much you love it. I love when you root for a character so much that when they finally get something they want, you cannot help but shed a tear and smile like an idiot by yourself in a dark bedroom at 2 in the morning.

I love books that inspire me and make me want to read more and more.

I love books that make me want to write.

I love books that make me want to love.

I finished a book called Lola and the Boy Next Door a few nights back. It was the second book published by Stephanie Perkins and the second book of hers that I have read. When I read her first book, Anna and the French Kiss, I could not wait to get my hands on Lola. (I just reread that... I love the awkward. Apologies to any readers named Lola.) 

Perkins, man. Girl can WRITE. She is hilarious and pure and full of love and hope. Her books always leave me wonderstruck and ready to fall in love. She writes these boys... I just.... they are unreal. In Anna, the boy de jour is Etienne St. Clair. He's British, and also French, and also American. And also the most perfect specimen I have ever met. Read. Whatever I love him. In Lola, it's Cricket Bell. Adorable, awkward, excited, lovely Cricket. 

Don't you hate it when you read a book by an author and it's just so good that you cannot imagine anything being better? And then you go into every other book comparing it to your favorite, never imagining anything could top it. It makes it hard to get in to the other book. I walked in to Lola missing Anna and that world. Luckily for me, ANNA IS IN LOLA! AND SO IS ST CLAIR. And I loved Lola and Cricket enough without the other couple being there. I didn't think it would be possible for me to like a book liked I like Anna but man, Lola won me over. 

If you know me, you know that I'm not the biggest fan of the "chick lit" genre. I don't read a ton of books about girls falling in love with the argumentative but suave boy in her math class. I like my books a little bit deeper. But these books are anything but chick lit. They are so smart and so funny. Stephanie Perkins writes these strong girls who aren't chasing boys but seem to happen upon them, just like real life. Her boys are charming and perfect but they have secrets and burdens that humanize them, like real life. Her books are real, if you catch my drift. The characters don't meet and then hate each other and realize through a series of shenanigans that they are meant to be. They just ARE meant to be. 

Back to the writing for a hot second. Stephanie Perkins, if you are reading this... first off... I love you so much. Your taste in music is superb (GUYS she makes playlists on 8tracks for her books so you can hear what she heard while writing. Get her out of here. She is perfect.) Here is my question for you. How do you manage to write such romantic and sexy books without every ONCE being corny or cheesy? 

Never once during these books do I feel like the romance is forced or cheesy. The whole time I was reading Anna my heart was racing with anticipation and lust for those two to get together. During Lola, I wanted to cry from the beauty and delicacy of it all. It never went over the top, the words were never cliche. It was fresh and alive and heartbreaking. This sentence happened in Lola and I wanted to die:

Did you get that? Anguished. ANGUISHED. Can any word describe love better? It's deep and overpowering and it hurts. Being in love hurts in the best of ways. It's honest and so powerful. Stephanie Perkins gets this. Probably because she loves her husband more than anyone on this planet. Seriously. I've never seen a woman more in love with her husband, and I'm only seeing it through her words. Each dedication is to her husband Jarrod. Also, read the final paragraph of each of her acknowledgement sections at the end of the books. It's for him and it is so lovely and overflowing with love. Stephanie Perkins you are beautiful. 

These books make me realize a lot about myself and my writing. But mostly about love. I have been in love a few times in my life. All consuming love. But I don't think anyone has ever loved me back. I have been loved, I have loved, but never equal amounts simultaneously. These books make me so thrilled to find my one. They excite me and urge me to keep on loving, even when it seems in vain. They show me what that love feels like, that one love that tears you apart easily and carries you to the ends of the Earth. Love shouldn't feel forced. It should click like these characters do, or like Stephanie Perkins with her husband. 

I can't wait to feel that mutual anguish and honesty. I cannot wait for that day when it all clicks. I cannot wait to find my own St. Clair or Cricket. In the mean time, the books will have to do.

Everyone. Go read these books now.

And Stephanie, thanks again for your words. You are truly beautiful.

messy mind

When I love something,

                                            I take sever ownership of it.

Like I have some deeper

                                                          Understanding and love of this thing.

When really

It's just different.

Except my favorite song. That's mine.

Mine

mine

Mime

Some days I feel less like a person,

more like a mime.

Going through the motions,                                                                       

Vastly unnoticed,

slightly creepy

ever watching.

Watching

watching

Waiting

Waiting for change,

                              dreading its arrival.

Ever feel like you 

                             sabotage yourself?

I do.

I slow myself down

                                     so change won't come.

Come

come

Came

Change has already

                         come and gone

And I'm fine.

                                      I survived. I flourished.

Flourished

flourished

Flounder

What if this is the time

                                I flounder and fail?

Don't think that way.

Believe

Hope

Blah blah.

BLAH.

I take ownership of things,

                           get competitive.

Volatile.

Stifled and stilted.

Stiff and sly.

I see people with similar

                             passions, dreams.

They inspire me,

                        intimidate me.

Drive me. 

There's enough success for two.

Good vibes to them=

                                good luck for me.

Sharing is caring,

                            it's first grade.

After all,

                                it's all first grade.

via Tumblr   

Lord, Beer Me Sunday

Is Sunday not the best day of all the days? I love the vibe that Sundays have. Even on Sundays that I have a lot to do, those famous Sundays in high school filled with homework and projects, the Sundays now that I usually spend working, everyone seems more relaxed and at ease. I forgive myself more procrastination on Sundays.

I have a mind that never ever stops. I push myself to my limits and I keep myself as busy as humanly possible. I have a lot I want to do with my life and a lot to do in these next few months. But Sunday seems to be the day that I'm able to give my mind a break and I don't seem to worry as much. It's truly my day of rest.

This week is going to be a long one. It's always hard to get back into the swing of normal life after a vacation and my week off of school was a much needed mini vacation, along with my favorite holiday. I caught up on sleep, I read a lot, I wrote a lot, I luckily didn't have to work a whole lot this last week.

But this coming week is going to be an event. Getting back in to school mode even though senioritis, or whatever the equivalent of what I am is, is creeping in and seeping into everything. I'm so ready to be done with my job at Barnes and Noble. As much as I love my job, it's time, you know? I'm ready to be a dental assistant. I work a bit more this week than last so that will be a thing. And a housing snafu has appeared which needs to be dealt with before I feel peace of mind again. (Side note, can we all agree to use the word snafu more?) I have so much to do next week.

But today, it doesn't even matter. I work for a few hours, I'm gonna watch Pride and Prejudice and swoon over Mr. Darcy, I'm gonna order a pizza. And I'm gonna get my strength up for this week.

Thank the Lord for Sunday, the day to rally the troops. TALLY HO TO MONDAY!

Via Tumblr. Me. Every Sunday and every day.

Thanks Sam

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By right we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam? 

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. 

Thank you, Sam. Your words are always the greatest comfort. 

Image via Tumblr

Not Enough Sky

"You can never have too much sky. You can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky, and sky can keep you safe when you are sad. Here there is too much sadness and not enough sky. Butterflies too are few and so are flowers and most things that are beautiful. Still, we take what we can get and make the best of it."

The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

Yesterday I went to one of my favorite places, The City of Rocks National Reserve up in Southern Idaho. My best friend and I filled up my tank, and filled up the car with road trip junk food, and headed north toward the most incredible place. You drive for hours on open road with nothing but hills around you. Suddenly you turn the corner and find yourself in the middle of a massive valley littered with rocks and boulders the size of buildings. It's a literal city of rocks in the middle of the landscape. It's breathtaking and you feel like you are on top of the world. 

It's amazing how refreshed and revitalized you can feel when you are in the middle of all of nature's beauty, unencumbered by cell phones and networks. In her most recent letter to me from the field, my best friend Shelby talked to me a bit about that. She is in the MTC with nothing to do but study, no distractions. 

"Sometimes we study 14 hours a day. No, this is rea. And the thing is, it just amazes me that the human brain can DO that. We constantly clog our creativity with social media, smart phones, social norms. We've taught ourselves that NO ONE can POSSIBLY focus for a whole day. And that's just a discredit to the majesty of human possibility."

She hit the nail on the head beautifully. I feel like it is impossible to focus on anything for more than about an hour before the nagging urge to check Facebook sneaks back into my system. Nothing happens on Facebook in that hour, I just NEED to check it. 

But I don't though. It's more important to check back in with yourself more frequently than to check back in to social media. That's what this trip was about for Niki and me. We're busy this summer. I have school and work and an upcoming move to Salt Lake City. Niki works her little butt off and is so amazing and beautiful. 

But what keeps us busier than our real obligations is our busy minds, always working, always over thinking, always on loud. Even on the days we have off from work and school, we keep our phones by our sides hoping that that one special person will text us and make our day. We sit in or rooms dreaming of our future happiness, or past happiness, and stressing about all of the things we should be doing. We never stop.

Yesterday we stopped. We listened to to the world and we listened to each other. We heard our feet synch up with the rhythm of the planet we call home and we listened to the wind humming in our ears as it pushed the hair from our eyes, clearing our views for a brief afternoon. 

We talked about our hopes and dreams, our worries and regrets. The loves we haven't gotten over, the loves we never will get over. The sky seemed to suck away our sadness and as we sat on top of the world, overlooking the city of rocks beneath our feet, I felt refreshed. Sad to come back to society, but happy to have reestablished my connection with the world. I felt centered and at peace. 

There is not enough sky in our lives. Not enough natural beauty. We should all get better at checking in with nature instead of Facebook, listening to birds tweet instead of sending our own. I do love the connection social media provides but there is a deeper, more ancient connection sitting just outside of our doors. Spread your roots outside and connect yourself to the sky. 

You can truly never have too much sky or too much love. Go outside and let the sun wipe the tears from your cheeks. Go outside and let the grass hold you when no one else is there. Let the wind rock you to sleep. Go to The City of Rocks and throw your problems over the edge of the world and don't look back down. 

Stay lovely.

Good Old Days

"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."

Remember when that line was on the finale of The Office? Huge nope nope nope to the heart.

It's so interesting to listen to people in different stages of their lives talk about the good old days. In High School when I cried about a boy my mom would tell me that in college or in five years from now I wouldn't even think about these little problems. JOKES ON YOU I still think about all of it. All. Of. It.

Then in my first two years of college a lot of huge events came up that seemed like the end of the world. And guess what? I got over it. I don't remember the process of getting over certain events. I remember feeling horribly low and then suddenly being ok. The healing process was natural and now everything is just a dull memory that only surfaces sometimes.

I've always found it funny when people talk about "the good old days." Some people consider that to be high school. Some people consider that to be college. Everyone gets the college speech when they leave for their first year. "These are going to be the best years of your life blah blah lifelong friends blah blah experiences blah." What's interesting is that everyone I'm close with had a HORRIBLE first few years of college, myself included. I think part of that is because the experiences we had in High School were so powerfully amazing. We got lucky there, guys. Advanced theater for life.

But what really are the good old days?

One of my best friends moved to Arizona for college. She was home for Christmas and summer and I even got to visit her a few months back. But now her parents have moved to Arizona and we don't know when we will see each other again. The friendship is strong but sadly so is distance.

Last night was the last night the four of us friends were able to have together. As we climbed into my car from Mary's house it felt just like senior year. Only that was four years ago. FOUR YEARS AGO. What have I done with my life in four years? A lot, I know. But I feel the same. I feel different too. Growing up is weird.

Looking supreme at all ages. Niki made this swell collage.

At dinner we reminisced about the first times we all met, awkward school dances, first loves, first heartbreaks, starting college together but apart, and the eventual future unfurling before us. I love reminiscing but it always leaves a little lump at the back of my throat. I'm sad to grow up. I'm sad to move on. I'm sad to make new friends. The thought of not having some of these people that are in my life right now in my life in five years kills me.

But even through the fear and the anticipation there is so much excitement in my soul for the future. I'm moving to Salt Lake so so soon if all goes to plan. I'll be done with dental assisting school in about a month and a half! I get to start my English degree in about 6 months! I get to live on my own again! I get to meet new people and chance new dreams.

I do wish I knew when the good old days were so that I could pay more attention to them while I am in them. I should have cherished so many more of the times I had in the past but that's a little moot now. I have the opportunity now to cherish all of the moments ahead of me.

You really just have to remind yourself that even in the days that feel wasted or the times that feel as though nothing big is happening in your life there are little moments to cherish and remember. Little insignificant things are honestly the sweetest memories I hold in my heart. Graduating high school was amazing but watching the sun rise with my best friends the morning after is much more important. Being able to play Regan in King Lear was amazing but waking up every morning with my dog lying next to me is even more vivid. These small things are the most amazing gifts to cherish.

There is no such thing as the good old days, unless you let there be such a thing as that. Every day is a golden afternoon that should be cherished. You should love each chapter of your life just as much as the last. Sure they are all different; some are harder than others and some are more eventful but without that chapter, the book would be incomplete.

Don't let your days become the good old days without you being aware of it. Be ever present in your life and love every great and terrible, beautiful, moment in it.

John Green, continually nailing it.

Relaunch!

Hello! So as you can see, my blog has been pretty sparse, which is pretty sad. When I started blogging last year on an old blog, I kept up with it so much and it was so amazing to have that outlet and to share myself and my writing with the world. But that blog stopped feeling like me, so I created this new blog.

The problem I faced when I created this blog was that I created it in a state of transition. After that transitional time had passed and life was feeling a bit more normal, this blog felt a bit too dark for me. The color scheme was wrong, the layout felt lackluster, it didn't feel like me. It felt like my words sort of tiptoeing around in the weird living room at your grandmother's house where nobody is allowed.

I started looking at some other blogs of people I really enjoy. Their blogs looked like them. They looked like a safe space for those people that was a home for their words to lay back in and be admired. I wanted that feeling.

So with the help of my dear, beautiful friend Shelby (Who.. bless her heart, cannot work a Mac) my blog got a much needed makeover! It feels lighter and freer and so much more me. It feels like a safe space and I cannot wait to fill it with words and music and love.

I hope you follow me along :)

ALSO I have a blog where I review the books I read. The link to that blog can be found at the top of the page :) I hope you check that blog out too. Happy reading!

Trouble Sleeping

My insomnia has been acting up badly lately. It starts off normally at night, I browse Tumblr, read for a bit... and then it starts. I just lay there and lay there and lay there, waiting to fall asleep, even if I'm exhausted. Nothing. My mind doesn't shut up, my eyes cannot stop searching and I can't focus on sleep or anything else. My mind just races and races until BLAM it's 6 in the morning and I have to wake up in three hours. That next day is always hell and even if I don't nap and I'm running on three hours, I can't seem to fall asleep the next night.

My mind chases so many thoughts at night. It's like my maze is a massive forest. I'm standing in the middle of a meadow in the center of the forest full of huge evergreen trees. The trees surround me as I stand there, feeling peaceful. Suddenly twelve deer appear and they al stare at me. They all take off running in all different directions in the trees and I just HAVE to catch all of them. That's what night feels like for me.

Lately my thoughts have had many different directions but the one that has really taken over is excessive thinking of the future. This has been a problem since... I'd say last July. I like what I'm going to school for, sure. I love my friends, I'm happy with there I live but lately I've grown increasingly anxious to grow up and move on. I will be 21 in pretty much an EXACT month and I want to start living and working toward my dreams.

I KNOW that I'm being smart and that dental assisting is great but I can't shake the feeling that I just want to study English. I'm tired of being practical. I'm tired of being patient. I want to study what I want to study. Not something I feel like I have to study.

  Good things come to those who wait. And I know that I will get there, I will be there in a year even but the waiting is killing me. When I should be studying for dental assisting, I research schools and English programs. I plan my future in London. I dream and I hope and I get so angry at people who keep talking to be about money and practicality and settling. SCREW YOUR SETTLING. It may have worked for you but it will not work for me. I know what settling looks like, and it's not me.

I'm not worried about money. I know my family will support me, even if they don't fully understand my artistic, unsettled mind. I'm not afraid to take loans out. After all, that's what the dental assisting is about. It's a great job I will love until I can surround myself solely with books and words, it's just hard to wait.

And I see all of my friends traveling and making travel plans and I feel like I am just... stuck. I want to get out. I want new people. I'm sick of how small this world is and I want a new place with new people and new places and sights and smells. I'm bored of running into people I'd rather forget and have people I love know people I wish didn't know me. I want to go to a new place. I cannot wait to get to Arizona in a month. I'm just afraid I won't be able to focus even more when I come back.

All in all, I know that good things come to those who wait and I will be able to go to the school I want very soon in all reality. I just feel stuck right now and it's keeping me awake at night. If any of you out there know any tricks to shutting a mind off, I would greatly appreciate them. Anything would help at this point and I will try anything. 

Keep on keeping on, beautiful people.

Perseverance

HAI.

Recently, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of melancholy and a general sense of being stuck. These feelings did not surprise me, given that my horoscope for the month mostly said, "This month will suck your will to live and you won't accomplish anything because the world wants you to suffer." Thanks a heap, Marie Claire magazine horoscope. You are the worst.

But today after almost an entire month of massive frustration, I feel better and less stuck! The reason: I finally finished the WORST section of all time in my Dental Assisting Clinical Overview class. Excuse me for not being able to memorize the uses for 30299 different waxes that are mostly all EXACTLY THE SAME. :( But I finally took the test today and only missed one. Special shout out to the winter storm last night that prevented me from going out with the Boyfriend and forced me to study instead. Props, weather.

Now that the huge weight of this section is off of my chest, everything feels like it's back on track. Now I won't have to feel guilty about watching movies, reading books, being with my friends, or just relaxing because now I feel a renewed sense of self and determination.

It's so easy to get bogged down in a temporary trial, but it's so dangerous to let it get to you and discourage you. I have so much I want to accomplish, especially within the next year that I really don't have time to let anything get to me and pull me down. Last year, I let myself get pulled down and I lost a lot of time that could have been spent pursuing my dreams and moving on.

Keep persevering. Don't let anything keep you down longer than it has to. Power through what is giving you a hard time and, as hard as it is, appreciate the trial and learn from it. Who knows, maybe tomorrow on the street some woman will have a dental emergency. She will open her purse full of wax and say "QUICK! I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAX TO USE TO STICK MY APPLIANCES TOGETHER! WHO CAN HELP ME?" I'll calmly glide over to her and say, "Easy, use your Sticky Wax. BOOM." You never know :)

Here's James Franco reading a book again. He is a God. See you soon :)

Better Late Than Never, Yes?

I realize that January is nearly gone already, and I can't believe that. It feels like new year was yesterday. Oh time, you unfaithful wench. You play me, comfort me, and tell me I will always get more and then you LIE. Time rant over.

Anywho, I love New Year! I love feeling like I have a blank slate and I love getting excited about what I want to achieve within the next year without feeling bogged down by the year itself. I love to plan, I love to list, I love to hope, I love to dream. That's why New Year's resolutions are so awesome. You can make yourself goals and hopefully improve yourself yearly. And isn't that the goal we all hope to attain? A perfectly happy state where we accomplish all we want and all we set out for ourselves? It's my goal at least.

I set myself ten resolutions each year and try my best to achieve them throughout the year. I keep them in my phone so they are always with me, and when I was younger I wrote them in a diary. Writing helps cement things, don't you think? Things become real when you say them out loud or when you write them down. It's an outlet.

And what's even better, now that my adult diary is a blog, people will know my resolutions and will be able to judge me if I don't complete them. Yay motivation! So here are my ten resolutions for the year!

1. Complete the fifty books challenge.

I love reading more than I love pretty much anything, and I never feel like I read enough. I love it but I understand how much easier it is to turn on Netflix after a long day as opposed to opening up a book. So I've decided to make it my goal to read fifty books this year, which is about 4 books a month, which is not even bad! Reading is the best. I'm already doing well with this challenge, which leads directly to goal two.

2. Read a classical book a month and keep my new book club alive.

Classical books are so beautiful and powerful. Recently a few friends of mine decided to start a book club this year so we can discuss wonderful works of literature together. January's book was The Count of Monte Cristo, which I TORE through. I love that book so much. I want to keep this group going because I love the people I will be reading with and I love classics.

3. Watch at least 100 new movies.

I love movies so much but I never seem to be able to make it to the theater anymore to see all of the new movies I'm dying to see. I want to change that. Also, I ams o terrible with rewatching movies and TV shows. It's so hard to invest in something new for me when I know that I can crawl back into the comfort of my old favorites. My Netflix cue is full of movies I've been dying to see. I want to watch and experience a lot of new films this year.

4. Be able to run for myself.

You know who I've always been jealous of? The beautiful people who can just run for thirty minutes without wanting to die. The people who get stressed and instead of craving a nap, they crave to put their headphones on and disappear into a run. I want to be able to do that. I hate making a resolution to "work out" because let's face it, exercise is the literal worst thing in the world. But I do want to be able to run for me. And not look like a fool when I run. That would be nice.

5. Save money each week.

I love buying clothes and food and books. SUE ME. But also, I have some lofty goals that require money. I want to go back to school for my English degree next January and that requires money. SO I will be saving as much as I can while still allowing myself some fun.

6. Stay tidy.

I'm not a messy person.... I just HATE hanging up clothes and folding laundry. I clean my room and it stays awesome for about three days and then BOOM clothes everywhere. But I hate that. A cluttered room makes for a cluttered mind. The spirit of inspiration cannot enter a dirty mind or a dirty room. And I always justify not doing homework or things by saying "Blah blah I'm Emma and I can't do that until my room is clean but I'm tired blah I'll take a nap today instead." NO MORE. Staying clean. And also this involves staying healthy with my body and my mind and stuff. Go team.

7. Spend more quality time.

I'll venture a guess by saying that this will be the hardest resolution for me by far. I love the internet. And I need to be better at not having to have my phone with me always. Most of the time, I keep it around in a practical sense, you know, in case of emergencies, and if anyone ever feels the need to talk I like being available. But I need to be better at not having to check facebook every time I open my computer and not bemoaning the fact that my Tumblr feed isn't overloaded with new things. Isn't it sad that after I check all of my websites I get sad when there isn't another reason for me to stay on the internet? I think it's pathetic and I want to fix it. Also, this goal will help all the other goals because I won't be wasting days and days on Tumblr and Pinterest.

8. Write and be inspired.

I want to write. Clearly, if you know me you know I want to write novels and publish and whatever. But I've fallen out of the habit of writing recently and I need to fall back into it. It's such a release and such an escape. It's my goal to write SOMETHING every day, whether it's a blog, a letter, an essay, work on my book. Whatever. I just want to write. And take note of how inspiring the world around me is.

9. Write back letters promptly and stay connected.

One of my very best friends is on a mission and another one of my very best friends will be leaving for one soon (HI MCCALLLLLLLLL) and I LOVE writing missionaries. But I am awful at writing back letters promptly. I want to change that. Also, I just want to make an effort to see all of my friends and family more. It's so easy to just fall out of touch and text someone "dude let's hang out" and then never really do that. I want to see everyone. FRIENDS. LOVE ME.

10. Still enjoy sleeping in, but be an adult.

K, I lied. THIS will be the hardest resolution of ever. I LOVE SLEEPING AND I HATE MORNINGS. I am not a waking up kind of person and if you ever tell me I look good in the morning, you're lying. I love you, but you are a liar. I look like a caveman just now waking from fifty years of restless sleep. Or satan. Or both. Once I was told I wake up like I'm coming out of an exorcism. All of these things are true. But as much as I hate waking up and going to bed at a decent hour, I hate not getting stuff done and wasting time in bed. I want to wake up early enough so that I have time to actually wake up before having to face my fellow man. And so I can do stuff in the morning. Believe me, I will NEVER be a morning person and I will still sleep in some days and spend days laying in bed listening to music and reading while falling in and out of sleep all day. We all deserve those days, I just want to grow up and do stuff with my life. Now that I have stuff I want to do and people I want to spend every waking hour with (HI ROBBBBBBBB)

This is 1000% what I look like in the morning.

So there you have it! Do you all have any resolutions? I'd love to know them and we can help each other see them through! YAY TEAMWORK! And once again, happy new year :) Stay lovely, planet Earth.

To end, here is a picture of James Franco asleep with a book in his hand and some puppies. Welcome to heaven. MARRY ME BYE.

Struggle Central

So here's where I'm at as of now. I am struggling here. I don't exactly know how to start explaining how this has all sort of steam rolled, escalating into a panic attack last night BUT I will do my best.

I guess let's start with what I feel started all of this.

Recently I was talking with an old friend and they told me it would be a waste of time and money to attend grad school since all I want to do is write novels. "Sweetie, you don't need a degree to write novels. Just do it. And..... you don't need to waste your time doing something pointless like that." Ouch man, very ouch. More was said, but let's leave it at that.

Also, I know I don't NEED a degree to write novels but I want to be the best writer I can be. I want to learn about nuances and how to make my writing grow. I want to surround myself with people who are studying the same thing I am and talk with them about a shared interest and a shared dream. Most of all. I want to learn. I love to learn. John Green, my favorite author said, "Study broadly and without fear." This is what I want to do. And hearing that I'd be wasting my time sucked. And who needs money anyway? Ramen is like 79 cents. It's cool.

My education has taken a turn in a weird direction recently and I haven't talked about it because well... I haven't wanted to discuss my life with anyone for a really long time because, as you can tell from this blog title, my life has been a hot mess as of late. But, screw it. My life is doing amazing things and I'll talk about it now. I'm afraid that if I don't start talking again, I'll lose myself and my speech. So here's what has been going down over here.

I'm currently pausing my English degree to become a certified dental assistant. I'm loving it and hoping to be done with that certification by May of next year. After that, I'm gonna work hard for six months and save up as much money as I can so I can start back at the U in January of 2014 to finish my English BA.

That is what is set in stone, I guess. I really thought my Grad School plan was set in stone too and I HATE that talking to one person has kind of gotten me worried and thinking I'm not good enough but... well... here we are. I want a master's in creative writing if for no other reason than to say I have one, that I know writing. That I'm one of the few who have their master's in the craft they love. I want to be in that elite club. But... I'm fearful now. The girl with the unbreakable confidence and will has been cracked open. Yikes.

This weekend was hard. My best friend was in town and we had a great weekend, but on Friday night I started feeling incredibly sick. I didn't eat most of Saturday and then like an IDIOT I took a pain pill thats main ingredient was caffeine which made my heart freak out and I almost passed out. On top of a slight caffeine over dose, I started freaking out. Friend struggles, relationship SHIT (sorry for the swear but let's be real... it's shit. And it sucks will to live out of your brain so. Bite me.), and then having former friends tell you you are throwing your life away... needless to say I've had a rough go of it lately.

All is well now on the panic attack front. I slept and I just spent my Sunday reading in my bath tub. (Also, I turned all the lights off and read by a candle. It was magic. Do it. It's better than medicine. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet.) I feel refreshed after sleeping and I'm starting to feel some hope creep back in to my brain. It's hard to keep it out of me; I'm a natural hoper, sadly.

Sorry for the depressive nature of this post but hey, they can't all be good weeks, right? And it's up from here, right?

Also this gif. Literally me.