This Part is for Her

Weeks ago, I went back to the city I was sad in for two years. I was terrified to set foot on that red Cedar soil, especially knowing I would be seeing people who knew me back then. But, much to my naïve surprise, although the city was the same (minus a few new fast food conglomerates) the people had changed. They had grown as I had even though I expected much less for them. How terribly cruel of me to write these people off as two dimensional when I knew them when I was only living myself in one shade of misty gray.

I missed so much while I was being so sad. Years later, the same stage is serving new girls who will cry like me, lose their virginity like me, regret like me, fall in love like me and that is beautiful. As I drove through the canyon roads that kept me alive when no one was there or I had pushed them out, I stopped and sat by a lake full of ducks and mirrored trees.

I let the rain sprinkle glitter in my hair and thought how terribly sad it was that I was so hollow in such a beautiful place. How sad that the soft and caring breeze that always sneaks through these evergreens felt only like it was pushing me down. The lovely town drove me away with its own hands. My brain and the chemicals that live there turned the red rocks to flame until I ran back home to my blue mountains to cool my scorched hands. But how lovely to have been back and finally see the beauty there. How lovely to go back as me, embracing the sad little girl and holding her hand as we both wind through those leafy, canyon cliffs.

My photo

easy girl

It gets easier not to pick at your nails,

the incessant pluck flick pluck. 

It gets easier to shut your eyes at night

without checking for bodies in your closet.

It gets easier to listen to those songs

again, the songs imbedded with evil.

It gets easier making friends who 

understand writing and withhold judgment. 

It gets easier to ease words out

of your brain the more you write.

It gets easier to admit the word rape

even with the acid it leaves in your mouth.

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the time has come, my little friends, to talk of many things

For years- years- I've anticipated being able to go back to school. I've fought and cried and dreamed and yearned for the day in January of 2014 that I'd be able to get myself onto a campus full of hungry minds and thirsty eyes. I want to sit in classrooms full of students and share ideas and learn until my brain pounds from being overfilled.

Well, the time has come. School starts tomorrow. And I'm so terribly frightened. I'm afraid I won't find my classes (even though I've already been to campus and walked between them just to get the feeling of the path under my feet), I'm afraid people won't like me, I'm so scared I won't succeed and all of this planning and hope will be wasted.

What if I'm not good enough? What if I've spent all this time thinking I could write and thinking I was intelligent only to be told I'm not good enough or ready for this? I hate so much that anticipation drives the brain into a grave of fear and hesitation. Every semblance of confidence has evaporated and now I'm just so scared of failure and future.

I'm afraid of failure, but I'm afraid of success too. Success means that things have to change. I have to grow up. The thought of actually achieving your dreams is a heavy thought. What if I'm not ready? What if I'm never ready?

I am excited. I think. I'll be more excited after the first few days are over with and I know for certain I can find my classes in 15 minutes and I know for sure where to park my car. Just have to breathe, right? Everyone has been afraid before, right? Everyone has had first days? Everyone has made it?

Send good thoughts, lovelies. This past year while I've been waiting to start school, you have all kept me motivated and going. The support I've gotten from all of you has been the biggest blessing. I love you all to the moon and back. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Thank you for taking a part of my little life in my little corner of the internet. You are all the very best.

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repeat

I'm sorry I cannot quiet your mind
like the lies screaming from the
box before your bed.
I'm sorry the channel flipping
silences your past
while my face wakes up
the past you never wanted.
I only wanted to be heard
and you wanted to be alone.
Who do I choose to care for?
You or me?
People ask me if I want children.
I've already raised myself,
And cannot repeat the process.
I'm not angry. Or Bitter.
I find power in independence.
I just wish I didn't have to.

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a small voice with large sentiment

Hello beautiful people.

For lack of better words, it has been a pretty hellacious few days here. My tightrope has been shaking quite a bit and my footing has fallen quite a few times. I'm still missing him like crazy, it feels like my internship will never end, a dear friend of mine is struggling with a break up (sends every hug in the world), and I just found out my grandmother was just diagnosed with cancer. So, this weekend could have been better.

There were a few bright sides this weekend, though. For one thing, my grandmother is just fine. She doesn't feel like it's her time or that it's anything to fret much over. She's still planning a cruise this February with my grandfather and she will be in Europe this summer come hell or high water. She's a soldier. I think I'm probably more upset than she is. I just don't like hearing about cancer in the fam. That hit my clan hard a few years ago and it always shocks my system. But if she's not worried, I'll try to not worry as well. But all good vibes are welcome her way.

Bright side two, a dear dear (I'm saying it Shelby) BEST friend of mine is staying in town and we get to live together :) I'm breaking the news. I'm excited. So thrilled. This girl has become a rock for me. I love you.

Bright side three. I had been missing my favorite bracelet and I found my favorite shirt missing yesterday. I was already emotional so I was just over the edge here you guys. BUT I found both my shirt and my bracelet.

Bright side four. You will never know how much it means to me to have you read my blog. This place is seriously the safest place I feel I have. I can say anything I want here and I love that I've created a home for my words here. The fact that some of you take a few moments out of your day to check in on my small corner of the internet means more to me than I can express in words. So here is just a little thank you from me. In hard times, the little encouragements I find in the comments or in direct emails light up my world. Today I got an email telling me my writing inspired them. But it's you that inspire me. Thank you so much for being here for me. I love you all with my whole heart.

Here's to a bright week ahead full of sun and moon xx

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risk

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It is a risk to chase your dreams. What if it doesn't work out? What if it does?

What's scarier?

Failing?

Or succeeding.

Walking Irony

Time is flying this year, isn't it? Was it not JUST New Year? I remember New Year so vividly like it was yesterday and so much has changed. It was 7 months ago! It's gonna be Christmas tomorrow at this rate.

I sort of hate how time flies. And just like everyone always says, it goes faster the older I get. Good lord, I'm only 21. Time better simmer down if I plan to enjoy being 30 eventually. I just find it amazing when big things happen after loads of planning and time. It's like your high school graduation. You know it's coming for 13 years of school. You know it's always on the horizon. But one day you wake up, slip on your graduation robe, adjust your tassel, and have your dad drive you to your graduation. It feels surreal and is over so fast, just like everything amazing in this life.

I've spent so long planning for my future and now it's here for the most part. At least, the future I've been working towards for two years now. January is on her way, which means I finally get to be back at a University studying English like I want to be. (Brief side note, how DARE America not speak like the British do by saying "I'm at University reading English instead of majoring in? Real missed opportunity there.)

As excited as I am to get on my way to my dreams and my future, I'm so scared to leave where I am right now. I love my little twin size bed in the room I grew up in. I love having my dogs around me. (Real talk, I'm the saddest to leave my girls. Unbearable. Un. Bear. Able.) I love how my bed smells. I love my small town. I love knowing what I'm doing.

I like to be the best at things. I like to be good at what I'm doing and know what I'm doing. I hate feeling unsure or stuck in limbo. However, I love adventure. I'm walking irony. I love new things, but I hate being imperfect. I love new bedrooms and decorating, but I hate leaving my home. I thirst for new places and new people, but I'm so afraid to be hurt. I love irony and I hate it.

 I'm human juxtaposition.

This is a weird sort of word vomit of a post, but writing catharsis is always needed, yes? Not all words are flowering and pretty, but some rambling is needed for the flowers to grow.

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Spreading Venom Vs. Ellen Degeneres: A Treatise on Stress

It's been the strangest week, hasn't it? Anyone else feel that way? And the storm clouds in the sky over Utah have matched the metaphysical storm clouds that have settled in over the mountaintops in my brain. This week I've just felt... bleak? Melancholy? Like I'm running on empty?

Hormonal is probably the best word. 

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My mind has been a mess this week. Little things set me off, stress is piling up, and I feel like I'm crumbling under it all. I feel alone and isolated and misunderstood. I hate weeks like this because when I feel this crappy I always end up feeling more crappy BECAUSE of how unjustifiably miserable I am. I am a healthy, young, successful, generally happy personage living in American in 2013. I am fine. But why do I feel like such a depressive teenager? Super huge thanks hormones and stress. Super. Huge. Thanks.

Yesterday was sort of the cherry on top of my week of hormone hemorrhage. My schedule for yesterday was this: 

• Wake up at 6 AM (also known as the ass crack of dawn) to help with a charity yard sale for my school from 7-11:30. 
• Leave said yard sale early to go to work for 800 years from 12-7:30.
• Breathe at some point during the long day.

I knew that yesterday was going to be stressful. It was one of those days that because of how long you know it will be and how stressed you've been all week about it, your entire week is destroyed by it in anticipation. That was yesterday. But then it took a turn for the worst. 

I got sick. So sick. I felt like death sick. I drove around putting up yard sale signs for an hour, went back to the sale to help set up and within an hour, my stomach was twisting and clenching and punching itself. I tried to stay helpful and I put up a fight about staying to help but they sent me home.

I crawled in to bed hoping to feel better before I had to leave for work, but to no avail. I called out sick and slept the unrestful sleep of the ill all morning. When I woke up my stomach still felt anxious and my brain felt even worse. 

There's this thing called muscle memory. Once your body has done something for a long enough time period, it can be done without conscious effort. Like dancing. You learn the basic positions of ballet and after enough time they are engrained within your muscles. 

I believe that there is also emotional muscle memory. That something can happen to you that your mind remembers so vividly, that are so tattooed onto your heart that on the anniversary of that thing, your heart can hurt just like it did the year before. Yesterday was one of those days. Yesterday was an important day to me a year ago. A year ago I was so so so sad and so miserable. I was in constant pain and going through a huge trauma. But yesterday last year was sort of a beacon in the stormy sea, a day that gave last year hope. 

I think my body remembered that and freaked itself out. My emotions threw up all over my brain and made my body throw up. It got overwhelmed by the stresses of this year AND the stresses of last year. 

I have felt venom pooling in my veins all week long, almost like my body was anticipating this day. A guy I work with came up to me randomly on Tuesday night and attacked my romantic life. He told me I'd be alone for a while and that I'd be hurt really badly in another relationship before I find happiness. Part 1: You aren't allowed to say stuff like that to me unless you are my best friend. Part 2: NEVER say this to a girl who is already so scared to date and love again. It doesn't help. 

That comment, coupled with the hormones, coupled with the emotional memory recall has led to quite the build up of bioburden and venom trapped in my little body. I've been trying not to let it spread into my every day life and put me in to an emotional coma. For a second there I was losing that battle. 

Stress and overrunning emotions leaves you with two options: you can hold up a white flag of surrender and let them overtake you. OR you can find a way to defeat the stress. Wanna know the best weapon? 

Ellen Degeneres.

When I was feeling myself getting even more lost in my own head, filling with venom, I sat staring at my computer screen, pulled up to YouTube. A video recommended to me was an Ellen clip from her talk show. I watched the clip and found myself inexplicably smiling. Without knowing it, two hours had passed and my belly ached from laughing so hard and my cheeks were sore from smiling so hard.  

This is a good place to start your journey. 

She is so funny and so positive. I have the tendency to let stress spread all throughout my body and demolish me. I'm a hopeful person but if I have a painful memory that is persisting in my head, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remain optimistic. But Ellen brings back some optimism to my life. She makes me laugh. It like her videos are sucking out rattlesnake venom and I can feel the stress slowly leaving my body. It's pretty amazing. (I also enjoy how there is always one comment on her youtube videos that say the same thing about falling into the Ellen Video Vortex for hours without knowing what happened.) 

The next time you feel yourself being bitten by the stress bug, or a ghost from your past sneaks back onto your Facebook feed, take a break to laugh. Take the Degeneres drug and degenerate that stress. (NAILED THAT TAGLINE) 

Stay lovely. <3

A Bazooka in my Chest

So. I have finally torn my eyes away from Grey's Anatomy long enough to post something that's been pulling on my brain for weeks. More like... with help from Grey's Anatomy I finally have a metaphor that suits what I've been feeling for weeks.

Remember that episode of Grey's where the paramedic has her hand in a guys chest and then they find out that there is live ammunition just waiting to explode inside of him? Then Meredith goes and is the best human alive ever by placing her hand inside his chest when the paramedic freaks out. (Real quick... remember when that paramedic was Christina Ricci? What even...?) This episode had me crying like a child. Granted, I have cried about 95% of the time while watching Grey's. I can't with this show. I can't with life. It's all too much.

Image Via greys.wikia.com

I'm moving to Salt Lake in one month. One month. Not only that but in one month, I'm starting a new job, leaving an old job, leaving home, leaving my dogs, leaving school. All of this is awesome. All of it is exciting and I'm thrilled about it. I've been aching to move into Salt Lake since I came home from Cedar City a year ago. So why all this anxiety?

It's like high school graduation. You spend three years knowing it's coming and even in the last month of your senior year, it doesn't feel real. Then the next thing you know, you're standing in front of your mirror in your cap and gown.

That's what all this feels like. I've known it was coming and I've fought so hard for it to come. But now it's here and I'm so scared. I'm scared of leaving familiarity and jumping into a new world. More than living in the city, I'm afraid of starting a new job. I've trained for dental assisting for a year now and I'm good. I'm really good but I'm still learning. I now get to jump into an internship and continue to learn and then I'm working. I know they don't expect me to be perfect but what if I don't live up to the expectations? What if I'm not ready or capable?

And I have to relearn to live on my own again. I lived in Cedar by myself for two years and loved it. I loved the independence and the freedom to be an adult. But I've gotten used to coming home to the house I grew up in. I've gotten used to my old bedroom. I love the way it smells and I love my dogs being here with me. Now I get to live in a new house with new people in a city I've never lived in. I love Salt Lake and I've experience it a bit, but living there will be different.

I'm scared of not making friends in Salt Lake. I have some friends there but what if I'm not a city person? What if Salt Lake hates me and the people there don't like me? I'm afraid of being alone and unliked.

I've never been one to be afraid of change. I embrace change and I smile and work through it. So why am I so afraid this time? I'm just so tired. It's anew kind of adult tired. Stress tired. I am constantly in school and working and when I have any free time I just want to lay in bed and cherish my last days in that room. And rest my body in hopes that my mind will let itself rest. But it won't. It's on a constant loop of worries and things I have to get done before I move.

I just want to be ready. I want to move slowly and steady enough to embrace this new chapter while not missing anything of my old chapter. I want to slowly remove the bazooka in my chest cavity before the worry eats me up. Any advice as to how I can do this, let a girl know. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in limbo. I don't want the anxiety to overshadow the excitement and possibility anymore.

This was super rambly but I think my brain needed to purge. YAY PURGE BRAIN.

Also.. If you don't already. Watch Grey's Anatomy. It will change your world. K. Bye.

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