Alaska

I always wanted to write and I always took solace in words. My childhood was tumultuous to say the least but something vital happened to me when I was about 15 (which now looking back on it was a big year for books) I fell down my first youtube hole and spent four hours watching all of the Vlogbrothers Brotherhood 2.0 videos. It was 2007 and the project was just hitting its sixth month. John and Hank Green made videos back and forth and somewhere in there John mentioned a book he wrote called Looking for Alaska.

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I wandered into Barnes and Noble, grabbed a copy, then went home and read it all in one sitting under a pile of sheets and tears. I'd never felt so wholly understood by a book. I'd never seen a character so like me on pages. I'd never had feelings I'd always felt put into words I didn't know were the right words. I'd always loved books but this was my first favorite book. My world changed that summer night. I finally knew what I wanted to write.

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When I talk favorite books, I have my Big Three. I've talked before about Gatsby and The Book Thief and there is no better time than now to talk about Alaska. It's January 10th. It's Alaska Young Day.

I read this book every January to coincide with Alaska Young day. If you've read the book, you know the significance of January 10th. But even if the day wasn't significant I'd read the book once a year, just as I do with my other favorites. I miss these characters when I don't read the book. I think of them sometimes like I reminisce about my own friends. "Hey, remember the night in the barn with Pudge and Alaska? That was great." They are just as real to me as my friends. They've taught me just as much and helped me grow just as much.

I read this book at an interesting time. I was growing and changing and my life was turning around me quickly while I stood powerless to stop the ever growing wreckage. I could see myself going down a very dangerous road and I welcomed it because what else could I have done? What else was I worth?

In the character of Alaska I saw myself. Powerful, motivated, broken, sexy, charged, enraged, empowered. Volatile, scary, passionate, self destructive. Reading her story was like holding up a mirror, or a warning. We were driving down the same road at 95 miles an hour. The difference? She turned left and after reading her, I turned right. She saved me. She was my first building block in finding myself.

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I still see myself in her when I read the book. We talk the same still. Think the same often. I'm still as moody as ever and I have my days where answering questions won't happen and you just have to accept that my melancholy streak will never die. But after this novel I grow. Every time I read it I grow. I'm reminded of the dangers of holding to your past and letting it kill you. I grow with Pudge and learn the value of my own great perhaps.

John Green, though. He's been my favorite author since I as 15. His words have kept me up half the night way before The Fault in our Stars ripped all of our hearts out. He's influenced my writing style a lot, I'd like to think. I love his always honest, never preachy way of expressing emotion. He is relatable and open and never patronizing or belittling. He knows we are intelligent people and he knows how big our hearts are. His gift really cannot be touched and if I could be 1/8 of what he is, I would be pleased with my life.

His words always inspire me, whether I'm rereading a book of his or watching his weekly videos. He is so unwavering in who he is and always full of hope and inspiration, something I want to be as well. He makes me better and he makes me hope. He makes me want to write so I can save someone like his books saved me. In a few years when some fifteen year old girl feels so alone and lost, they can pick up my book and feel heard and healed, just like I was.

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In my second year of college before I took my time off, I was in a directing class. The final project was to direct our own short 20 minute play. When I was down at that university, I was incredibly unhappy and I was not writing at all (which explains part of the unhappiness). After tearing through script after script and finding nothing, I saw Alaska sitting on the edge of my bed staring at me with her emerald green eyes, a cigarette between her smirking lips. I knew what to do.

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I wrote a play based on the book. I wrote a twenty page script in one night and cried after I was done. I hadn't written in so long. I hadn't felt my words carrying me in so long. The misery seemed to clear and I felt like myself again. This book brought my words back to me and to this day that play is the piece of writing I am the most proud of. Now, if only I could find some way of getting John Green to read it! That would be the dream.

So on this day, January 10th, Alaska Young day, I celebrate this life changing book. I'll read the book, pour myself a revolting glass of Strawberry Hill, and hold an unlit cigarette between my lips for her. An eternal thank you to John Green for this book, the life changing member of my Big Three that shaped who I am, my career goals, and everything. Thank you Pudge, Takumi, Lara, The Colonel, and Alaska most of all.

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Good Old Days

"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."

Remember when that line was on the finale of The Office? Huge nope nope nope to the heart.

It's so interesting to listen to people in different stages of their lives talk about the good old days. In High School when I cried about a boy my mom would tell me that in college or in five years from now I wouldn't even think about these little problems. JOKES ON YOU I still think about all of it. All. Of. It.

Then in my first two years of college a lot of huge events came up that seemed like the end of the world. And guess what? I got over it. I don't remember the process of getting over certain events. I remember feeling horribly low and then suddenly being ok. The healing process was natural and now everything is just a dull memory that only surfaces sometimes.

I've always found it funny when people talk about "the good old days." Some people consider that to be high school. Some people consider that to be college. Everyone gets the college speech when they leave for their first year. "These are going to be the best years of your life blah blah lifelong friends blah blah experiences blah." What's interesting is that everyone I'm close with had a HORRIBLE first few years of college, myself included. I think part of that is because the experiences we had in High School were so powerfully amazing. We got lucky there, guys. Advanced theater for life.

But what really are the good old days?

One of my best friends moved to Arizona for college. She was home for Christmas and summer and I even got to visit her a few months back. But now her parents have moved to Arizona and we don't know when we will see each other again. The friendship is strong but sadly so is distance.

Last night was the last night the four of us friends were able to have together. As we climbed into my car from Mary's house it felt just like senior year. Only that was four years ago. FOUR YEARS AGO. What have I done with my life in four years? A lot, I know. But I feel the same. I feel different too. Growing up is weird.

Looking supreme at all ages. Niki made this swell collage.

At dinner we reminisced about the first times we all met, awkward school dances, first loves, first heartbreaks, starting college together but apart, and the eventual future unfurling before us. I love reminiscing but it always leaves a little lump at the back of my throat. I'm sad to grow up. I'm sad to move on. I'm sad to make new friends. The thought of not having some of these people that are in my life right now in my life in five years kills me.

But even through the fear and the anticipation there is so much excitement in my soul for the future. I'm moving to Salt Lake so so soon if all goes to plan. I'll be done with dental assisting school in about a month and a half! I get to start my English degree in about 6 months! I get to live on my own again! I get to meet new people and chance new dreams.

I do wish I knew when the good old days were so that I could pay more attention to them while I am in them. I should have cherished so many more of the times I had in the past but that's a little moot now. I have the opportunity now to cherish all of the moments ahead of me.

You really just have to remind yourself that even in the days that feel wasted or the times that feel as though nothing big is happening in your life there are little moments to cherish and remember. Little insignificant things are honestly the sweetest memories I hold in my heart. Graduating high school was amazing but watching the sun rise with my best friends the morning after is much more important. Being able to play Regan in King Lear was amazing but waking up every morning with my dog lying next to me is even more vivid. These small things are the most amazing gifts to cherish.

There is no such thing as the good old days, unless you let there be such a thing as that. Every day is a golden afternoon that should be cherished. You should love each chapter of your life just as much as the last. Sure they are all different; some are harder than others and some are more eventful but without that chapter, the book would be incomplete.

Don't let your days become the good old days without you being aware of it. Be ever present in your life and love every great and terrible, beautiful, moment in it.

John Green, continually nailing it.