10.30.14

Feeling your mind expand and be molded feels exactly like speeding on an empty city road at midnight. That sense of wild freedom in a place that is usually so full. That feeling of recklessness, that wild and climbing sensation as you pull forward ever faster and faster, screaming with your car, hurtling at 90 miles an hour to a new destination.

It is so scary to grow and learn from people. But connection is such an intense craving in the marrow of our very human bones. Opening yourself, handling your heart to someone and hoping they will cradle it and not stomp it into the floorboards takes so much strength. But God, what a sensation and what a miracle when you finally do it.

I've always wanted to be close to my sister. I've wanted to be a person who could be having a hard day and immediately think to call her on the phone and complain and cry with her. The kicker is, we are ten years apart and so so different. She's medical, I'm English lit. She's Christian, I'm... other. She's so similar to me that I think I've been inventing differences this whole time in hopes that I would stop feeling guilty and disappointed when we weren't best friends when she came to visit from Texas.

But tonight for the first time we opened up to each other and I finally got to say some of the things I've been burying for so so long. I have had no one to tell these words to and it all came spilling out and finally, finally, after years and years I heard the one phrase I have needed from someone in my family. She's proud of me. She is with me. She sees me. And I am so grateful.

le premier octobre

Happy October! The air this time of year just feels so alive. There is the anticipation of season's changing and the anticipation of cold weather. That means more time inside cuddling up under a mountain of covers with a mountain of treats and cider. Also Christmas as well. But mostly Halloween. This year I will be going to Rocky Horror at midnight. Don't let me forget to share pictures with you guys; it should be a delight! But even more than all of that. It's almost Thanksgiving. Which is the most important day. Because gravy. Also my stepmom makes the most delicious cranberry sauce in the entire world and I could swim in it, which I basically do on Thanksgiving.

I feel like I haven't checked in with you guys in a while. I've been posting a bit more sporadically than I would like to post and I hope to fix that soon. I've been feeling much more inspired lately thanks in large part to the poetry class I'm currently in and a new wonderful friend I've made. His name is Tyler and he is flawless and lovely. He writes a lot like I write and so being able to inspire each other has been a wonder. He also has a blog and you should go leave him some love here. He's astounding.

So here's a bit of what I've been up to and just some general thoughts I've been wanting to share with you all.

• I started working in the Writing Center at my University as a tutor and I adore my job. I get to help all sorts of students write all sorts of papers and it is so amazing. I get to read papers about Greek mythology, mathematical theorems (not really my favorite, but I feel really smart when I read them out loud), German fairytales, psychology studies. Everything. It is so cool. I feel like I am learning so much from these papers and these students. It's doing wonders for my own writing.
• I've been so busy with work and school but don't think for one second that I am not reading your blogs still and that I don't adore each and every comment I receive from all of you. The little community I've become a part of through this blog and through your blogs is so incredibly important to me. You are all so insanely talented and lovely. Whenever I need inspiration I fall right into your words and I feel so much. Thank you all for sharing your beautiful gifts and for sharing in mine. You have all changed me and helped me more than you could ever know. 
• I'm itching to get back to San Francisco. Or just to have another vacation in general. I'm hoping to get to Europe this coming summer. One way or another. 
• I really want to be Alex Vause from Orange is the New Black for Halloween but this guy told me that I'm already too much like her for it to qualify. I was both saddened and incredibly flattered. 
• I want some new blogs to love and obsess over. If you have any favorites, please let me know in comments. 
• Also where are your favorite places to get sweaters? I need some new warm and cuddly things to wrap myself in.

Well, this was random but I miss checking in with you guys. How is your fall going? How's life? (I promise I'll get back to the moody writing now. Just wanted to say hey) 

Also this song sounds like fall to me. Got any good fall songs?

11.1.13

Welcome to November! Can you believe it? Hate to sound cliche but where did this year go?

Halloween was not the best day but I refuse to let that come between me and having a wonderful November. Things to carry into November:

• I am taking part in NaNoWriMo this year. Have you guys heard of this? It's short for National Novel Writing Month. Write a novel (50,000 words) in one month. This is my first time really trying and I'm honestly very scared. But some of my absolute favorite books started out as NaNo novels (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell and Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins. WHAT) so I cannot wait to try my hand at it. I'll never have a November where I'm not in school and have as much open time so the time is now. That averages out to about 1600 words a day. Oy vey. Anyone else doing this challenge this year? Let me know! We can support each other! I'll also post some updates on here for some feedback and support. GO TEAM.
• I want this month to be full of inspiration. Lord knows I'm gonna need constant inspiration to stay fresh for NaNoWriMo. Let's talk about favorite books, favorite music, all the favorites! And more importantly, why are they favorites? What makes them stick out in our heads? Let's talk about it.
• I'm meeting with my academic advisor at the U on Monday. Guys, school is so close I can taste it. I'm getting more nervous as time goes on and it gets closer. I hate that the mind does that. I really cannot wait to start a new chapter of my life. I want to leave everything that made me miserable or ill at ease behind and start over as me, not as preconceived me. 
• Why would anyone ever feel embarrassed by emotions they are feeling or have felt? Feelings matter. If someone makes fun of your feelings or antagonizes you about the, that's their problem. If they call you a liar or waste their breath berating you, leave them behind. Hold on to good memories and feelings even if the present is weighing you down. They can't take your past away.
• I want to stop letting every little thing live and breed under my skin. I'm so young, things are so unimportant in the long run. Maybe not unimportant but... inconsequential. People were right. Those huge problems in high school are nothing now. I remember how big they were then but now they mean nothing and I am fine when I though I never would be. This gives me me comfort when life gets rocky. In one month, it won't matter at all. 
• CHRISTMAS AHHHHHHHHH
• Diets are for squares and jerks. Bring on Thanksgiving dinner.

Happy November, lovelies. It's always been a favorite of mine.

via *

Penpal Post

Can we all agree that snail mail is by far the most superior way to communicate? It's so personal and loving that someone would take the time to write you a letter or send you a package. And it makes me feel like an adult to get a letter that's all mine. Not junk mail or a bill, but a letter just for me. 

I've always wanted a penpal so when the lovely Emerald Dove put up a post asking for a penpal I jumped at the chance! Lauren is the absolute cutest person in the world. She is so smart and so sweet and I cannot cannot CANNOT wait to get to know her more through our package exchanges. Her package to me was exceptionally wonderful. Take a peek:

She's from the UK, which is phenomenal. I've always had an obsession with England. Once when I was a little girl and a teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was a grown-up I answered "British." I'm working on it! She asked me if there was anything specific I wanted her to send me. I asked for a Ribena, a British drink I found at a British store in Salt Lake once and become completely obsessed with. I also asked for Maoam's candies since there is a handsome British youtuber who loves them. I've been dying to try them! (They were amazing! All the best parts of Laffy Taffy's without the waxiness of American candy.) The Cadbury bar was just a lovely surprise :)

I also had the idea to send each other a copy of a favorite book that has a different cover in the UK vs the USA. She's a fellow book lover and I personally feel that there is no greater bond than sharing books. She sent me a copy of The Book Thief that I have been dying to get. This book is my absolute favorite (Along with Gatsby) and the British cover is perfect beyond words. It's quite possible that I cried when I saw it and held it and smelled it. Oh books. 

It was the best surprise to get the package in my mailbox on Friday. On an unrelated note, I also got my official acceptance letter to the University of Utah so I can go back to school in January. I opened the letter and felt an immense sense of calm and purpose come over me. My future is all coming together, one gorgeous puzzle piece at a time. 

The mail was full of wonder on Friday. Even my text message inbox was full of a lovely surprise from the perfect boy. It's coming together, everyone. October is nailing it. 

sick as the day is long

I love when the seasons change. My lungs however, do not seem to agree with me. Anyone else get sick every single year when summer fades into fall? It's the worst in the world because I always seem to be sick during the last good days of fall weather before Utah decides it's time for winter... three days into October. These are the last few days of sunshine, light breezes, bundled hikes and walks through the leaves. NOPE. I get to be stuck in bed, feeling dizzy every time I stand and coughing up my lungs.

Symptoms. 1. Bone rattling cough that leaves me crying and legitimately afraid of dying from lack of air. 2. The feeling of living inside of a snow globe every time I stand up. 3. Inability to keep warm even under a billion heavy blankets. 4. Runny nose capable of solving any drought crisis. (I'm sounding real good right about now. Boys, I am single and I would appreciate soup delivery.)

I have however read a lot and written a lot, so there is a bright side. I've caught up on a bunch of my shows (Insert me looking like a 70 year old woman watching ma stories.) I've also had a lot of time to think because being sick forces me from going 60 to slowing down to a good 3 miles per hour. Being sick as an adult is so much less fun than being sick as a kid. When you're a kid, you're missing school. As an adult, you're missing work. Homework makeup gives you something to do while you lie in bed all day. But missing money-making work? No good. No good at all.

I remember being sick in the winter of 7th grade. I missed an entire week of school and my mom made me go to school on Friday and collect all of my work that I'd missed so I could catch up over the weekend. Those four days were awesome. My mom set me up in her bed, I dozed on and off all day, threw up a few times but what did that matter when I was watching the Martha Stewart Christmas Special on repeat all week? After that week I was a yule log expert AND I could sing every song from The Wiggles Christmas Special.

It was so fun playing hookie from school and then going back the next week among the concern of teachers and friends. But now. Nobody cares if you're sick because that means covering shifts. And it's a lot less fun knowing you're losing money as opposed to classroom time. Here's hoping this clears up quickly! I got things to do, lungs. Work with me!

via *

10.1.13

• I had myself a nice little blog-cation while I finished out the month of September, finished my internships (!!!!), and started working once again at Barnes and Noble. I am so happy September is gone. 
• This song? It's an unreleased Lana song that I can't get enough of. Story of my life/ my theme song.

• I allowed myself the last day of September to be sulky and sad. I wanted to finish the month of September relishing the suckage of the past month so that I could wake up this morning and face the month of October with optimism and passion. I'm over feeling creatively isolated and I'm over feeling alone. This puzzle of my life is coming together, so help me lord.
• I'm reading Lolita right now and I am so conflicted about this book. On one hand, it is some of the sexiest writing I have ever read. And on the other hand... this man is in love with a 12 year old. I find myself getting so worked up, but then you remember she's 12 and everything is weird. It's one of the best books I've read in a long time.
• Last Saturday I went to a concert with Shelby my best friend and it was a steaming hot plate of awkward and delicious. I saw a person I hadn't seen since I was 17 and it was weird and judgmental and I haven't been that intensely looked up and down in many years. I loved it.
• I believe that brains have a sort of emotional memory. Some days I find myself in a bad mood that cannot be explained. It isn't PMS, it isn't because the day is a bad day. I think it could have something to do with something that has happened in previous years on the same day and your brain has remembered that subconsciously. It has been one year to the day that I saw Sir Idaho who ripped me apart/ world's largest douche. I was in the worst mood today for no reason, unexplainably sad and lost today. But you know, now I feel happy and ready for this month. At the end of this month last year, I met the most wonderful person I've known and hopefully I'll be seeing them again so so soon. 
• Let's do this October. Cannot wait.

via WeHeartIt

fall back

i felt the fall air today
for the first time this year.
summer set,
fall tiptoed in through
the back door,
softly,
almost unnoticed.

she brushed past the kitchen,
she strayed down the stairs,
she gussied up in the mirror in the hall.

she didn't knock as she
pushed in sideways through
my bedroom door,
barely clearing the crack.

i sighed in my sleep,
briefly stirring as she
kissed my forehead
and held my hand.

"everything is starting again,
my love. everything will change.
everything will grow as
the leaves drift down to sleep
on loamy, grassy beds.
the pieces will fall back into place,

your heart will heal and mend,
as the summer sun will end."

i smiled at her speech,
the kindness in her eyes.
"don't take too long, dear fall,
to bring my pieces back to me.
my bed is cold.
i don't want to feel the
winter chill
without his hand."

"winter was lonely and long,
spring was all pastels,
garish and sad.
summer was rash and hollow,
full of reminders and regret.
but i, my love, i blow the
leaves about, clear the dust
from strained and aching eyes.

fall is your shelter,
fall will bring you peace,
fall makes it all fall back,
the puzzle in your head and heart
finally solved.

sleep now, dear heart,
and do not dread the cold.
until your heart is back in his hand,
my hand won't leave your side."

as i slept
she brushed my hair,
sang me mountain hymns of
sprites and kings,
lionhearts and their maidens.

i dreamt of my lionheart,
our chilly days past
and future, falling into place
in her crisp gaze.

welcome fall.

via *

warm visions

via Tumblr

I have a mere two weeks of my internships left. Two weeks until I can get back to my life. Two weeks until I can stop living for others and begin life for myself. Mr. Larsen told me a few weeks back that there is only so much a person can take of sitting in the used grey shadows of the dreams of others before their own dreams come busting forth too powerful to contain.

Life keeps inching forward toward happiness and growth and it's giving me warm visions for the future. You are in every single vision. Every night as the moon crests the mountains and life gets clearer and closer to the finish line of September, your face eases in to my mind like ink rushing across a page. Our hazy grey days keep swimming in my mind and brimming across my eyelids in steady waterfalls.

My inconstant moon- just out of reach- is keeping me up at night. I'll take the moon's indirect gaze until it is ready to warm my nights with it's silver grey light. I feel big things coming. I feel the moon pulling my hand forward like the tides.

Autumn Tag

I was tagged by the gorgeous Lauren found at The Emerald Dove to take part in the autumn tag! She is fabulous and has perfect taste in everything. Go love her. And you can see the original post over on Georgina's blog Makeup Pixi3. There are links to a bunch of the other tag answers that I loved reading. Thanks Georgina for starting the tag!

So let's get down to tag business!

Here are the questions:

For Autumn, what is your...
1. Favorite thing about it?
2. Favorite drink?
3. Favorite scent/candle?
4. Best lipstick?
5. Go to moisturizer?
6. Go to colors for eyes?
7 Favorite music or band/singer to listen to?
8. Favorite outfit to wear
9. Autumn treat (i.e. a new scarf or bag you have your eye on)
10. Favorite place to be?

1. Favorite thing about it?
I love how new it all feels. The crisp air renews my dedication and my zest for life. I adore summer but sometimes heat drags me down too deep. I love the grey rain clouds rolling in and leaving red leaves behind them as the season changes. I love weather that is slightly melancholic. It makes me feel all artistic and inspired :)

via WeHeartIt

2. Favorite drink?

I love working in a coffee shop in the winter and fall because all of the fun seasonal drinks come back. My favorite drink is for sure a chai with a pump of pumpkin spice. Chai is such a warm flavor and having a dash of pumpkin spice gives it a hint of the pumpkin flavor without killing it with sweetness. It is perfect. Also. So is this.

via SomeECards

3. Favorite scent/candle?

Favorite scent is the working in a coffee shop smell. From autumn until winter is over, it is always a bit busier and everyone is so happy to have their peppermint and pumpkin spice. I love the smell of steamed soy milk so much. That smells like fall to me. Someone make me that candle.

4. Best lipstick?

I really love Revlon Rich Girl Red. It's really a red that pops without being overpowering.

She is wearing it here.
via BeautyTidbits

5. Go to moisturizer? 

I don't really switch moisturizers based on seasons. My skin is finicky about product change so I stick with my Clean and Clear Advantage oil free Acne Control Moisturizer. It feels so good and smells like a clean baby.

6. Go to color for eyes?

I have been obsessively using an Ulta eye palate all year. But I've recently become obsessed with the color called Social Climber. It's a really dark smokey brown with some sparkle to it. Very much like the leaves in the fall.

via Ulta

7. Favorite music?

My music already is pretty fall sounding I think. I listen to mostly indie folk and acoustic anyway which is perfect for fall. But right now I've been obsessively listening to Mumford and Sons. I've had a very tough time lately and my favorite band always helps. And they just are made for fall. Also every season.

8. Favorite outfit to wear?

I live for wearing my boots and slouchy knit hats. Boots for days, yo. And scarves. Also leggings and dresses. It's all my favorite. But boots are where my heart is.

9. Autumn treat for myself?

I am severely lacking money right now for new treats but I would love some more boots and slouchy sweaters :) So, anyone wanna donate money to my fashion cause?

10. Favorite place to be?

I love taking drives in the mountains in the fall. Driving in my car is the greatest solace I could experience and in the winter, I am unable to take long drives for a few months, which often leaves me moody and feeling really boxed in. It's important on my big car rides that I'm able to have my windows open so in September and October I take advantage of the last few snow free days here and let the wind blow me around the mountains up here. 

Took this on my drive today. For real, nature?

YAY fall! I tag everyone to do this. We clearly all love fall and I'd love to know all of your favorites :)

Shades of September

September skies are coming in so beautifully in her first week, aren't they? I love them. She's giving us some beautiful watercolor skies.

I have a special place in my heart for the special shade of orange that comes in September. It peeks through the shades at around six every night. My happiest memory is bathed in that light and I still feel warm when the skies ignite into those orange fields. 

I love how sunsets change throughout the year. I love the light blue spring nights, the vibrant violet summers, the golden honey falls, and the bright pink and clear blue winters. I want to live in the sunset. I'd chase it forever. 

hello september

Can you believe it? This year has flown buy and I for one am pretty grateful for that. When I woke up on January 1st, I knew 2013 would be a hard year. I just had a feeling that I would feel lost all year, feel like I'm wading around waiting for my life to start.

I went to Davis last Friday to talk to my dear friend Mr. Larsen and he put a lot of things in to perspective for me. He said that it's hard for people to spend so much of their time doing things for everyone else and nothing for themselves. It's hard to be patient for your time to shine. I feel that 2013 has been that for me. I was involved in a program I wasn't 100% about, I'm working in a place I'm not 100% about and I'm just itching for January. I cannot wait to start working toward MY goals finally without spending so much time considering everyone else's goals and plans for me. I have big plans of my own, world, and I tell you what: This fall I'm revving up my engines. Next year is mine. And it starts now. Let's do this September. I can't wait to see where you take me.

via WeHeartIt

Some brilliant things are happening this September, and the rest of the year. Like:

• pumpkin spice lattes. I used a secret code and got one early yesterday. Tasted like cuddling.

• Real cuddling is more delicious in the fall. If you want to date me, do it in the fall. We can jump in leaves together.
• Only two months until Catching Fire!
• One month to Halloween month! (Also side note... the PLL Halloween episode. If they don't redeem the hot mess that was the season finale... we are donezo.)
• September is WFMAD month! (Write fifteen minutes a day) This is hosted by one of my favorite authors, Laurie Halse Anderson, on her blog. It's a challenge for writers who have found themselves to be a bit... lazy with their writing during the sumer months. It's a good way to get back in to writing every day! You can check out her post here.
• In October, I am seeing Imagine Dragons in concert! Woo!
• Leaves are gonna change colors so soon. Cool fall afternoon hikes, anyone?
• I can finally wear my boots again without dying of heat stroke.
• We are THIS MUCH CLOSER to Christmas!
• My TV shows are coming back on! New Girl, Parks and Rec, Grey's Anatomy. Mmm I've missed these shows. 

What has got you excited this September? And for the rest of the year? Let me know! I love knowing what makes people happy :) 

Happy September and happy fall!