time

Time is the most precious substance in the world, isn't it? We are all fighting to control time and earn more time. Fighting to use our time wisely or waste it in better ways. I wish I had more time to do the things I love, but I don't because I'm stuck doing other things I love. School is so much. I'm writing papers, but not poems. I'm learning so much, but I miss so much learning from all of you and reading your writing and books of my choice instead of assigned documents.

I really don't have anything to say. I just wanted to check in and say how much I miss my little home here. And all of you. And just life when it was simpler but when the fuck was that anyway? Life will never be simple; it will always be broken and beautiful. I'm almost done with my semester and then you can expect more words once I'm not draining them into papers.

PS: While I was gone, I was published in an amazing new online journal. Please check out my two poems and the AMAZING and lovely work of the other artists who were featured. You can find it all here. Massive thanks to everyone at No Falling Ribbons for accepting my work as well. You've inspired me to find more time and write for me again. Thanks thanks thanks xx

checking in

Every word I'm trying to write feels contrived. Or maybe I'm just tired and stressed and a weird version of lonely that I am severely not ok with. Every metaphor feels reached for and foreign on my tongue. Then again, I doubt that it's new or fascinating that another twentysomething is having an existential crisis. But it feels important. It feels big. And I miss you. All of you. And I miss the words in my own head as much as I miss yours. I'm still here. The here is just very flexible and strange.

le premier octobre

Happy October! The air this time of year just feels so alive. There is the anticipation of season's changing and the anticipation of cold weather. That means more time inside cuddling up under a mountain of covers with a mountain of treats and cider. Also Christmas as well. But mostly Halloween. This year I will be going to Rocky Horror at midnight. Don't let me forget to share pictures with you guys; it should be a delight! But even more than all of that. It's almost Thanksgiving. Which is the most important day. Because gravy. Also my stepmom makes the most delicious cranberry sauce in the entire world and I could swim in it, which I basically do on Thanksgiving.

I feel like I haven't checked in with you guys in a while. I've been posting a bit more sporadically than I would like to post and I hope to fix that soon. I've been feeling much more inspired lately thanks in large part to the poetry class I'm currently in and a new wonderful friend I've made. His name is Tyler and he is flawless and lovely. He writes a lot like I write and so being able to inspire each other has been a wonder. He also has a blog and you should go leave him some love here. He's astounding.

So here's a bit of what I've been up to and just some general thoughts I've been wanting to share with you all.

• I started working in the Writing Center at my University as a tutor and I adore my job. I get to help all sorts of students write all sorts of papers and it is so amazing. I get to read papers about Greek mythology, mathematical theorems (not really my favorite, but I feel really smart when I read them out loud), German fairytales, psychology studies. Everything. It is so cool. I feel like I am learning so much from these papers and these students. It's doing wonders for my own writing.
• I've been so busy with work and school but don't think for one second that I am not reading your blogs still and that I don't adore each and every comment I receive from all of you. The little community I've become a part of through this blog and through your blogs is so incredibly important to me. You are all so insanely talented and lovely. Whenever I need inspiration I fall right into your words and I feel so much. Thank you all for sharing your beautiful gifts and for sharing in mine. You have all changed me and helped me more than you could ever know. 
• I'm itching to get back to San Francisco. Or just to have another vacation in general. I'm hoping to get to Europe this coming summer. One way or another. 
• I really want to be Alex Vause from Orange is the New Black for Halloween but this guy told me that I'm already too much like her for it to qualify. I was both saddened and incredibly flattered. 
• I want some new blogs to love and obsess over. If you have any favorites, please let me know in comments. 
• Also where are your favorite places to get sweaters? I need some new warm and cuddly things to wrap myself in.

Well, this was random but I miss checking in with you guys. How is your fall going? How's life? (I promise I'll get back to the moody writing now. Just wanted to say hey) 

Also this song sounds like fall to me. Got any good fall songs?

...

I want my break from writing to be over. Hello. I was tired and then I was sad and then I was dangerously close to happy and then I was even sadder and then I was lonely and then I went to San Francisco. And I left my heart in that bay. It was so nice to be in the ocean again and I refuse to let it be that long before I get back to the ocean again.

I have a lot to tell you. I have a lot to show you. I have so many stories and words and poems sitting in my head finally. Now I'm that good kind of tired that comes when you know you have a big journey ahead of you and you just got done with a big journey. And you need a rest but you would rather venture on. I'm that kind of tired.

I listened to this song as the plane took off for home and it gave me some life back. I'll see you all so soon.

checking in

I miss you all so much. It's been busy and bruising but I'm still here. I'm very happy with work, although being in a theater for 14 hours a day moving set isn't as fun as it sounds (does it sound fun?)
I've made wonderful friends and I'm always surrounded by so much glowing, booming life. I love the collaboration of theater and the life these people bring. They truly make the walls hum with life. They have the rhythm of life in their hearts.
It's odd to feel lonely among that. Loneliness is an interesting feeling, isn't it? Because sometimes it's just one different kind of loneliness out of the one million different kinds of loneliness.
I have the rest of stage crew with me, but I feel lonely when the entire cast is laughing together. I'm fully content at being alone but watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning and watching those people fall in love makes me ache for that kind of real love. I want to kiss someone softly every morning, as if it were a habit, something I get to do every single day. I want to hear his voice behind me telling me everything will be ok and know he's right because he loves me and that's all I need anyway.
I am truly so happy for everyone who has found their bliss.
I am truly so sad for everyone who feels lonely or unheard.
I am so sad for everyone who will die alone.
I am so sad for everyone who can't remember the last kiss they shared with the one they love and will never feel those lips again.
I am so sad for everyone who has decided that hatred is the most viable coping mechanism for sorrow or pain.
But I am so happy I have all of you. I'm sorry I've been gone, but I will be back soon.