tunnel lined with yellow lights on a dark night

Friday, January 24

I'm in need of some energy, loves. I'm entering the world of winter doldrums that always comes this time of year. It's been grey and cold for far too long. I guess I mean that personally as well as weather-wise. Rough few weeks here. I don't know.

How are you all? I feel sad and calm all at once. I am still loving school beyond words. All it is is words. I feel most alive when I'm in my classes, imprinting each and every word I hear onto my flesh and learning from my teachers and those around me. Sometimes I walk around campus and just feel myself smiling at the level of disbelief of actually being here. It still surprises me sometimes. I like catching myself smiling when I'm alone. My resting smiling face is my aunt's face and that makes me happy. We have the same lips and the same heart. I guess I've been sad since she left, in a way. She lives so deliberately and it's good for me to be around that, especially when winter starts sucking on my jugular.

This post of Shawnee's was really beautiful. Her photos are always a breath of fresh air to me. That girl is amazing. I love the sentiment of the post. Be refreshed, be natural, be you. For the past little bit I was sort of slipping away or letting myself be dimmed. I don't know what was doing it per se but I was feeling so stifled. Stupid inversion in my city is starting to cloud my head. But I want to live deliberately and for myself. I want to read and write and study. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to talk with all of you and read your words and make my own. I want to go to brunch with my friends on Sundays.

I want to make it through the rest of winter.

via *

11 comments:

  1. winter kills me. it makes me feel dull, grey, and uninspired. (i'm glad your classes are helping to keep that alive though!) especially this stretch--no christmas, just gloom and frost and below freezing temperatures.a few things that help me keep the 'calm' as opposed to the 'sad', as you so beautifully put it:

    a) bundling up and spending time outside. taking time to appreciate the beauty around me makes me hate winter a little less. and after you learn to chew on the inversion air and swallow it, it's not so bad. ;) (ew.)
    b) tan & exercise--endorphins + vitamin d--the power of those 2 things is real.
    c) pretend that staying inside all day is cozy and that it's not making you stir crazy. still working on this one :)

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  2. "I felt I was on fire
    with the things I could have told you;
    I just assumed that you eventually would ask.
    And I wouldn't have to bring up
    my so badly broken heart
    And all those months
    I just wanted to sleep.

    And though spring,
    it did come slowly,
    I guess it did its part --
    My heart has thawed
    and continues
    to beat."

    -June on the West Coast by Bright Eyes

    There's a song that has always helped me through Winter. Maybe it could help you too, if you don't know it already. If not, at least know that I'm feelin it as well. The deadness of Winter. Such a cruel season.

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  3. damn i know, but you will make it through this winter, and the next, and the next. and when life gets you down, write it out of your system like i know you can. i've only been reading a short while, but i am so happy that you are so happy in university. and that everything is going so well for you there.

    ps: i watched conversations with other women. i loved it. (and i love helena) x

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  4. This time of year is always the worst, I hope you're ok soon, see the dark points as fuel for your gorgeous writing. And we can find cures everywhere if we know where to look, I agree with Helen, write it out of your system xxx

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  5. my favorite seasons are fall and winter, but we've had a real bitter cold here the last week or so. i can see how months of that would be very discouraging. don't dismay, little one. spring is next on the agenda. until then, keep reading and writing and treat yourself to a good bar of chocolate when you need it. because chocolate cures all.

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  6. i'm there too, right now. here's to finding our way through the winter . xx

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  7. you're not alone.,,, well get through this winter... "i get by with a little help from my friends"..,.or so the beatles sang

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  8. Okay so I clearly have NOT given your blog the attention it deserves. You are amazing and are immediatly going in my "favorites" section and possibly my top 5 blogs of the month. You have always left such kind comments on my posts and I am sorry I don't return the favor enough.
    You are talented and I would love to see what else you have to share!

    xxBianca
    www.xoxololita.com

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  9. I know how you feel! winter has been getting me down too

    cultkid.blogspot.com

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  10. girl. almost made me cry. thank you for being so sweet and supportive, truly means a lot.
    at times i catch myself smiling to myself or at something so small it catches me off guard - and i realize i hadn't smiled for real in awhile. it makes me sad but happy at the same time. and i guess it's always a struggle but it becomes harder to take in as i grow older. it really is something i have to work at and want. hugs to you, em! xo

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Thank you for your words; they light a fire in my heart. You are lovely.