smatterings of thought

Sunday, September 8

-I'm having a hard time motivating myself to continue interning where I am working/ interning in general. I feel like I gave the assisting thing a shot and it's just not where I want to be. at all. I loved the people in my first internship. the people at my second one are distant and guarded and have offered no help. I don't need mch. but some direction would be nice. The days drag. I only have something like two weeks left but every morning I feel like I cannot possibly make it.

-I miss someone and I don't know how to fix that. Advice? Do I call them? Text them a well intentioned message wishing them well? continuing to stalk his twitter and instagram? hope he will happen upon my blog and figure out which posts are for him and wait for his move? It's getting to a weird point. An insatiable hunger to see them, feel the support I had from him once. It's like a weeping willow has sprouted in my heart and it's weighing my chest down. 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark,
same old empty feeling in your heart,
cause love comes slow and it goes so fast.

-The fact that it's not raining today is severely bumming me out. I super wanted to go run in the rain and let my skin get soaked down to my bones. 

-I found my journal from when I was 18. I can now say with evidence that I would have beat my 18 year old self up in about a minute. But, actually, I probably would have just hugged her and told her that it does in fact get better. Then it gets harder than I ever could have imagined, but that the future will also be brighter than either of us could have hoped for. It was funny reading what I was scared for, plans for the future. But mostly I was surprised by the emptiness of it all. I didn't remember a lot of what I had written. I didn't mention many names, just situations. I remember thinking that there was no way I would forget the people I was referencing, so there was no point to including names. Fact is, I don't remember. I feel like blogging will mean so much more in the future. It isn't just writing bland daily occurrences, it's tracking overpowering feelings and small puzzle pieces of my day. The diary entires consisted of "I cannot wait to graduate, today I wore new shoes, yesterday was hard." My blog has more feeling. I can't wait to look back on all this.

-Can we discuss the sunset last night? That single streak of pink peaking out under the grey blanket of clouds that still let a few stray raindrops fall. I want my life to look like that always.

-I had writer's block until I started writing. Funny how that works, huh? 

-This was my weekend.
via Tumblr

-This is my month. Let's pull through it together.
via iwastesomuchtime


  1. The second bullet point. I feel this so much. I don't know what to do either. :(

    1. Worst feeling in the world. I feel so helpless, you know?

  2. This is so great. I read you and it feels so honest .
    I think many times about what would I say to my past self. When I was a teenager. I would say so many things to that girl..

  3. Don't worry - sending the happy rays from across the sea (too hippy?). On the second point I would advise that if you feel strongly just chat to him because if you miss the chance you may regret it. I understand the feeling of looking back of old diaries - mine were basically 'I love this guy, we belong together' then the next day it was someone else. It makes for funny reading.
    Also the website I did a wishlist on does ship to the US. :)

  4. I felt the same way about dental assisting! I felt so stupid, but it just didn't suit me. Then again, getting a job at an office with good people would probably make it much more enjoyable. Either way, I hope you figure it out.

    Missing someone is confusing. I kind of hate it. Because I'm never sure if it's the universe trying to tell me that I need to reach out to them or just my silly mind trying to fill a gap with someone from the past.

    I'm really disappointed in the blue sky today as well. haha what kind of people are we? "Sunny and beautiful outside? Dammit!"

  5. I don't want to think about being 18 and what that was like. I try not to save the things I write, so I don't have to read them again.


  6. Oh, and thank you so much for all the darling comments, it really means the world to me

  7. Oh my goodness, i have just discovered your blog, and -Oh my goodness! I love, love, love your writing, don't ever stop. Also missing is something I know too well, I hope that resolves itself soon for both of us x

    1. Thank you so much :) This means so much to me.

      I hope the missing subsides soon too. I would like it to subside into love but we will see what life throws at me!

      I hope to see you around here more :)



Thank you for your words; they light a fire in my heart. You are lovely.