echoes in the hallway

Voiceless echoes are coming for us.
They're crunching leaves and bones
against their molars and ripping jugulars
with their canines,
stabbing at the only flesh not burrowed
under dreams and blankets.

I can smell the sulfur. I can smell the heat.

Every waning fairytale on its last leg
hobbles back into the pages
and yet you stand. You. The unlit cigarette
hanging off of my lips, the funeral of smoke
strangling my uvula.

You hug me, the hole inches onward
toward six feet. A foot per year.
You loved me once.
You buried me forever.

via *

the time it hurt the most

I wasn't excited for your arrival that night, your trek from Idaho to come to the concert I paid for for your birthday. I wasn't excited, but I still made myself pretty. I painted my face, slid into a red dress, chose torturous heels for what I knew to be a two hour standing concert. All for you. What a fool.

You'd told me earlier in the week if there were anyone else I could take, you wouldn't mind. It was a three hour drive after all.

It was your birthday present, after all.

don't come if you don't want to, i can't force you. 

See you in a few hours.

I got myself ready, swallowed hollow tears, and waited for your car to round into my cul du sac. You got out of your car, offered me a hug. I pretended to fumble with my coat.

You said I looked nice.

I volunteered to drive.

The car ride was awkward and stilted. You asked if I had heard that Gagnam style thing. I snarked that I didn't live under a rock. You smelled nice and I hated you for it. Your scent hung off of your clothes, the scent I tried to steal during the rocky months where you kept me purposefully on shifting ground as you continued living your life, leaving me to doggy paddle through mine. You occasionally swung me a lifeline, touched my skin as if bringing me back to shore, then pushed me further out to sea. You kept me on a hook for four months. I visited your house a few times then.

I stole shirts from your hamper, shoving them down my pillow case and caressing them when I got home to my empty bed. I missed your basement home in our long forgotten college town. I missed waking up beside you, the smell of sleep and twisted sheets in the air. My bed smelled like me and soon I drowned your shirt in my scent from overwear. Each time I saw you I stole a new shirt. But your smell never stayed long. In my car that October day, I staring ferociously forward, you staring at my marble cheek, your smell was choking me.

Stop making me miss you. Stop smelling like you. Stop smelling like the person I thought you were. Don't look at me like that. Stop ripping me apart. Tell me we'll be ok. Go to hell. Love me again.

Please. Please. 

I didn't speak a word. You spoke. I drove. I shook. I lost myself. You kill me. You killed me.

In line for the concert, I stood by myself as you ran back to the car for something. My luck, the only other people I knew at this concert were in front of me in line. He asked me how I was. Were you my boyfriend. I didn't know how to answer. I pretended to choke on my gum. He said he liked my dress. His girlfriend said we were a cute couple. I choked on my heart.

In the sweltering venue, we stood close to the stage. You dwarfed me and suddenly hugged me. I felt small. Not protected small. Not loved small. Dejected, used small.

"I haven't hugged you yet. You look wonderful, baby. I'm the luckiest guy in the room. I'm glad I came."

Were you?

With each song you pressed yourself harder into my back, pulled at my waist a little tighter, held my hand like you meant it. Kissed my head like you cared for me. I wept silently. No one in a crowded concert hall wiped my tears away. Your touch was like ice burning into my skin. I shook like a leaf in hollow winter winds. You swayed me with the songs. Your touch lied. I cried silently and alone, our love song playing around us for the last time.

After the show we sat in my car in my driveway. My neck was killing from arching during the concert. My back was knotted like a hundred year old tree. My stupid heels cut into my toes. You pulled me onto your lap and started rubbing my back. You didn't see my smeared mascara. You just held your mouth to mine and pressed my head into yours. You snapped my neck in two. My heart exploded.

You reached for my skirt. I pushed you away. You ran your hand across my thigh. I tried to stop crying but your empty kisses swallowed my tears. "Come on, baby. I haven't seen you in so long."

you haven't loved me for longer than that.
i guess i won't see you on new year, will i?
Don't say that, Em. You don't know that.
how dare you. 
Don't you think this is hard for me too? I wish I could still love you.
i don't care if this is hard for you. you deserve pain. if i have to rely on sleeping pills to erase you at night so i can breathe for five hours of sleep, you deserve pain.
We don't have to talk about this now. Come here, I'll rub your back. I'll kiss it all away.

You were brave to say that. You were brave to think I'd ever let you use me or touch me again. I gave you everything. You took it all without a second thought.

i don't believe you ever loved me.
Don't say that.
i don't.
Stop, Emma.
if you ever loved me, you would have broken just my heart. You didn't need to shatter my entire world too. 
Ok.
i hate you.
Ok.
did you ever love me?
Yes.
liar.
It was a long year together.
leave.

I screamed into your chest. For hours I screamed. You finally watched me crying. You finally saw the mess you made. And you tried to start crying with me. I beat my hands on your chest. Your apologies fell on deaf, broken ears.

I'll stay the night you said. I don't think you should be alone.
i've been alone for four months. you know that. leave. 

You slowly left my car. I pulled into my garage. I shut the door. Locked it tight. I could smell you pressed on my skin and I gagged. Peering through my blinds I saw you sitting in your car. You looked surprised that I shot you down. That hurt the most. You still didn't think you were wrong.

While you drove toward your home in those tired early morning hours I sat on my floor in a heap of your old shirts, ripping them apart with dagger tears, smelling nothing for the first time in months.

via *

night

I've found myself staying up

later and later

lately. 

I feel you next to me

while the rest of the world

is sound asleep,

your hands on my hip,

the curve of you

curved on me.

The hours tick away softly

as your voice and sighs

grow louder in my ears.

Two AM.

We lay on your floor

listening to music.

I lay on my back,

staring at the wilting

neon stars on the ceiling.

Three AM.

We curl into each other

on your couch.

I curl into myself,

pressed into my wall.

Four AM.

Your lips travel

the length of my spine.

A cold wind finds its way

across my back

through my sheets.

Five AM.

I see you above me,

brushing the hair 

from my eyes.

I close my eyes

to keep your ghost 

alive.

Six AM.

We lay together,

panting and alive.

I lay alone,

sweating nostalgia

from every pore.

As the sun leaks 

through the curtains

and the rest of the world

shatters awake,

my eyes declare defeat.

I fall asleep

with you by my side.

via *

Flashback: November 11th

I belted my black dress, threw on my red jacket, sat on the crushed velvet couch in my front room, rubbing my thumbs in hasty circles around each other. Your headlights pierced through my curtains of hair as I watched your car roll into my driveway. Before you could make your way up the snowy walk, I was out the door coming toward you. My heart pumped too fast, my face flushed, I prayed I wouldn't slip as you grabbed my hand and opened the door for me. While you walked back to the driver's side, I exhaled sharply, trying to calm down. You made me so nervous. I'd never been nervous around a boy. You made me nervous, thrills running through my fingertips.

The talk was light and colored by trepidation, the night we met slapped around in jest. The oddity of us actually going out after the strangest meeting possible.

You look nice in real lighting.
I like your voice when it's not shouting over the bass dropping speakers.
More water?
Your halloween costume was clever.
I'm glad we're really doing this.
More pizza?
Sorry for that night.
What a great memory.
I can't believe that was real.
I like your tattoos.
Any dessert?
I love your dress.
You're smart.
Want to see my apartment?
(Bet you say that to all the girls.)
Just you.

Suddenly, the girls next to us caught us mid conversation. "We're studying interpersonal relationships in school. Are you two on a first date? Cause so far he's really into you, and she's still unsure. But oh my god you guys are so cute, and so are your tights, girl. Give him a chance." Your face grew brighter than the candle in front of us and I laughed loudly as I darted my gaze to your nervous smile. They'd given your cool away. James Dean sunk back deeper on your chest as you hugged your shoulders up to your ears and hung your head. We stood to leave, I thanked the girls for the best dessert I could have hoped for, and we ran all the way to your car laughing and blushing.

You stayed quiet until we reached your apartment. Suddenly you seemed unsure and vulnerable. I gripped your hand, suddenly the strong one in the car. They are wrong, I whispered, I'm not unsure at all. Show me your apartment. You smiled in relief and James Dean sighed on your chest.

We watched The Walking Dead.
You held my hand as my heart disintegrated in your palm.
We drove along the nighttime streets toward my house.
Slow down, I thought, this can't be all. I'm not done tonight. 

We had to traverse through the unplowed narrows to my back gate and up to my back door. You left me at the door, no kiss on my lips, and started to walk away. I grabbed your forearm, right where your compass inked out, pointing north to my chest. I'll walk you to the gate, I offered. I'll be the gentleman, I joked.

Goodbye was hard and then you met my eye line.
"You'll be around, right? You're not going anywhere?"
No, love. I'm always here.
Finally your lips met mine, hungry and soft. We kissed against the gate, then against the door. You walked away and I shut the door softly behind me, falling against it, eyes closed, breath hot and alive.

I ran to my front door, threw it open and stood on the porch, on the tips of my toes, a bird waiting to fall out of the nest. Your car was on. You flipped on the overhead light, tilted your head with a coy smile and beckoned me with your finger. My heart exploded. My eyes blurred. I loved you then. I knew right then, and I let myself go. (I blush even now, months later. I can't type that memory with open eyes.)

Your headlights, the frosty air, your arms. They held me captive against the garage door, squeaking and staring as we kissed again and again. The stars spun as we finally let go, as you finally drove away.

I fell asleep still smelling you on my skin and tasting you on my lips.

via *

junk drawer

Outside the sky is trying to hold back October tears, letting a few get brushed away by the trees outside my window. Calm autumn tears. Transitional tears.

I'm huddled up in bed, a drawer from my bedside table in my lap, heavy with misplaced odds and ends. Bottles of lotion, old and new. Lip gloss from various Easter baskets and Christmas stockings. Old CD cases, lists of books to be read, batteries, bobby pins, dental floss, band aids. Everything labeled too essential to be far from my bed, but not essential enough to be sorted into a proper place.

My hand is swallowed by the open mouth in the drawer. I feel a bite and rip my hand out of the pile, dripping red from a hole lightly opened by a rogue thumbtack. I follow the stream of red and see that it's gathering on a folded up receipt page. It's crumpled near the back of the drawer, now cloaked in dark human red. I unfold the note.

A page of Barnes and Noble book recommendations, all crossed out. The top of the page proclaims "You may also like..." leading to a penned response that simply states "ME." Underneath that, "I love you, a lot. R."

The bleeding of my finger has stopped as the pregnant sky starts to fall. The page is ruined, marred by maroon. I contemplate keeping the page, blood and all. But I'm not that morbid. Not quite yet. This note was never junk, a love note that must have drifted into the drawer outside of a book's page, where it should have stayed. Maybe soon another note will drift into my hands, kept safer this time. Cherished and protected. This time.

via *

red dress

I wore my new red dress that night.

I had hearts in my tights that were

imprinted on my legs til morning.

It was the fifth time

seeing you.

I fell in love

time two.

I needed you

time five.

You wore the outfit of

our first date.

You wore it often,

it becoming synonymous 

with that snowy chill,

the freezing November air that

held us captive in your headlights.

Tonight you held me captive

in your eyes.

We gingerly skated toward 

the hot tub,

the most you had seen of my curves

thus far.

We stayed in til our 

heads were buzzing

and our noses were red. 

You held my hand as we 

walked back into the warm

glowing house.

I slipped my red dress back on,

My body still damp from the tub.

The dress with the open back,

where you kept your hand all night.

The tights with hearts

pouring down my legs.