january 1

I haven't slept in days anticipating your arrival.

You'll be home in a few short sleeps and then where will we be? I think back on us and all we have seen and said and dreamed and lost. That night years ago, the soft April snow, the kiss that never was. In your letters you said it should have been me in high school. You should have kissed me that night. You shouldn't have left even though you had to. I tried to stay neutral because in all honesty, you scare me.

You scare me. You take all of the breath from these hollow lungs.

My best friend, my brother, a boy that I loved to distraction. A boy whose name still splinters in my heart. A boy I've been able to hide from for two years, but now here you come. A boy I loved simultaneously with another boy. A boy I needed and need.

Oh god, what will happen? I can see everything in our past so so clearly. I can see it projected onto the snow where I always see you.

Do you remember the nights in the auditorium? Driving me to that boy's house who hurt me and flashing your lights in his window? Do you remember playing war on my porch? Do you remember my tears falling on that porch?

Drive me to Agloe.