sunshine on a cloudy day.

I have the best readers in the world. No, readers isn't what they are. They are friends. You are all some of my best friends. Is that weird? Is it weird that I feel closer to the lot of you than a lot of my other friends? You're all privy to quite a lot of things that the rest of the world isn't. You make me feel safe in a way that not a lot of people can. So thanks for that.

Anyway, Lovely Lacey nominated me for a Sunshine Award! She's always a ray of happiness so it was only fitting that the award would come from her. Lacey's blog is always so happy and she has the absolute best taste in music. Her playlists at the beginning of the month always get my month started off on a good note (PUNS) She always leaves the nicest comments and is just so beautiful. So beautiful.

So here is this! And here are some rules about the award. 

1. display the award on your blog
2. announce your win with a post and thank the blog who nominated you.
3. post ten interesting things about yourself
4. nominate some other deserving bloggers
5. link your nominees in a post and let them know with a comment

Ten random facts about myself!
1. I used to make up dances to Britney Spears songs in my bedroom. I planned to perform them in front of my family to prove how edgy I was. Thank GOD that never happened.

2. I got pantsed (I don't know how to spell that. Pants were forced off of me? That's worse..) in the third grade by the kid I had a crush on. I'm still not over it.

3. A British man kissed me on my 22nd birthday. All I know about him is that his name was Andy and he was 29. I know I'll never see him again and I find that so perfect and so sad.

4. I feel the need to have huge emotional breakdowns at least every 5 months. I watch or read something that makes me cry, then keep myself crying for two hours until I'm dried out. Then I can function for the next 5 months.

5. I snuck out of my house so much more than my mom thinks I did while I was growing up. I liked taking late night drives. Still do.

6. I have so many scars on my feet from Irish Dancing as a child. All up my legs.

7. I have a pyramid shaped birthmark on my right hand. I like to think it means I was an Egyptian Queen in a past life.

8. The first book I remember hating was Johnny Tremain. I read it in the 5th grade and hated it so much I made my mom read it with me and suffer through it with me.

9. I love watching people type. I think it's amazing that we are all so good at typing that we can look away while we do it and still find the letters. There's a metaphor here. I'll find it.

10. I got in trouble when I worked at Starbucks because a customer found me "too perky." I found out which customer complained and gave him decaf every time I served him after that. Douche bag.

So there's a bit about meeeee :) I like these getting to know you posts.

Here's some people I'd love to get to know more about.

The Emerald Dove: This pretty lady is my pen pal :) She's the cutest and so smart. She has her life so together and the best fashion sense. I adore her.

Allerdings: Always the most delicate and honest writing. She was one of the first blogs that I found and I've been obsessed ever since.

A Day in the Life: Shelby has become seriously my best friend since we met each other through blogging. Luckily we live close so we have become real life friends. She's the best and I want everyone to know it. I have so much fun with her and her pictures CANNOT be stopped. Obsessed. Best Friend.

As Far as The Eye Can See: S has the most beautiful way with words. This was another of the very first blogs I found and whenever she posts, it's the first thing I read. I cannot get over her talent or how beautiful she is. I cannot.

Thanks again to beautiful Lacey :)

liebster round 2

You beautiful souls are far too kind to me. I've been nominated for a Liebster award again! Twice! One of the nominations was a little bit ago and I'm horrible and never did it. I'm so sorry Erin! Here are the answers.

I was nominated by Erin from Take Comfort Project and also by Rachel from Deleting the Adjectives. And here is a link to my first Liebster

Since I've done this award once before, I'll forgo listing facts about me and get right into answering the questions from these beautiful ladies.

Erin's Questions-

1. What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
I hardly ever eat breakfast but when I do, I love breakfast sandwiches. Gimme a bagel with some eggs, cheese, and bacon and I'm a happy girl. Also yogurt and granola. Just. I love food.

2. What's your favorite hot beverage?
Venti Chai with three pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup. Tastes like Thanksgiving night with family surrounding you. Tasty and comforting. Starbucks. Gettin it.

3. What's your favorite animal?
I love my dogs beyond words. But also dolphins, seals, otters. Sea life. One time when I was five I went to the aquarium in Alaska and a seal came up to the glass I was staring into and put it's flipper against my hand and just sort of stared at me for a few minutes before swimming away. I feel connected to the sea.

4. Tell me about the first place to visit in the state you live in?
When you come to Utah, the first place I'd probably take you would be a drive up Ogden Canyon. We have wonderful canyons up here and getting lost in them is my favorite thing. I love SLC and I adore my city but let me take you in my car with the windows down. Welcome.

5. What is one of your favorite movies?
Oh my god so many. Right now, I've found myself watching Midnight in Paris about once a week. Y'all know my feelings about Fitzgerald. But I feel like I've been misplaced through time. I belong in the expatriate lost generation. This movie is the closest I will get.

6. What is one of your big life goals?
Living in the UK. Being successful writing and working for a theater company in the UK. Surrounded by accents. Mmmm.

7. How many countries have you been to?
Not a lot yet :( I've been to Canada, which was gorgeous. And the great USA!

8. Do you like the beach or mountains more?
UGH Can't I have both? I want Seattle with rocky shores and miles of canyon to drive through. I live in the mountains so I see them all the time. I love them to bits but I'm missing the beach. It's been far too long since I've been.

9. How many siblings do you have?
Ma sister Leah. She is 31 and lives in Texas. She's a jerk and I love her. I have a smattering of step siblings too.

10. Describe your personal style in three words.
Moody, eclectic, feminine.

11. Tell me some of your favorite song lyrics.
THIS question is phenomenal. Lyrics can say so much can't they? Oof ok. I'll pick a current three.

1. When you talk it's like a movie and  you're making me crazy/ cause life imitates art./ If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?/ You tell me life isn't that hard. - Lana del Rey, Gods and Monsters

2. When our lives are over and all that remains/ are our skulls and bones let's take it too the grave/ And hold me in your arms, hold me in your arms/ I'll be buried there with you./ And I'll hold in these hands, all that remains. - Bastille, Skulls (Just this entire song.)

3. And I'll never go home again/ (place the call, feel it start)/ favorite friend/ (And nothing's wrong but nothings true)/ I live in a hologram with you/ Where all the things that we do for fun/ (And I'll breathe and it goes)/ Play along/ (Make believe it's hyper real)/ But I live in a hologram with you. - Lorde, Buzzcut Season

YAY! Now for Rachel's questions!

1. Let's hear your elevator pitch. Who are you and what do you blog about?
Hi I'm Emma Jane and I write a lot. I share a lot of personal stories. I love poetry and pretty words. I always strive for honesty and I'd like to think that I always remain brutally honest. The best blog comment I've received about my writing was "There is something almost uncomfortable about reading these things of yours- as if I've stumbled upon a private journal but can't stop reading. In a good way. I mean that in a really good way." I like that. I want it to be private and revealing and moving and me.

2. What inspires you?
People, pain, art. A lot. Those three are big. My interactions with other people.

3. Where are you from and what are your favorite things about that place? 
I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah and I adore it. I love the mountains, I love feeling them around me on all sides. It makes me feel protected. I love the streets in this city. I love that it feels like a big city but it is so manageable. It's not sprawling like New York, but it's big enough to explore and play in. We have good bars and a great indie theater and bookstore scene. And some great curry and coffee shops. I love SLC.

4. What is your biggest indulgence?
Fooooood. And people. Males. Of the seven deadly sins, mine is lust.

5. What are your thoughts on soul mates?
I think it's a wonderful opportunity for word play. Soul vs. sole mates. Do I believe in a one true love? Yes. Do I think they necessarily match up with each other at all times? Not at all. I believe that someone could be YOUR true love but it doesn't mean you are theirs. But love is so consuming. People who care can make it work if they try hard enough and want it. But also. Sometimes it dies. I have a lot of thoughts on this.

6. What music do you have on repeat lately?
Bastille Bastille Bastille. For months. Flawless. Flawless Flawless.

7. Do you believe time travel is possible? If so, where would you go?
Well I believe in books so that is technically time travel. I would go to 1920s France and write. ALSO I gotta pop by Tudor England and chill with Anne Boleyn.

8. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement thus far?
Everything I've ever written and seen a response to. I've been so lucky to have my writing so well received and supported. I've tried to always write something I will be proud of and I'm proud of everything. I work hard damn it! I consider that an achievement.

9. Who or what will you be in your next lifetime?
A ballet dancer, please.

10. What blogs do you recommend? 
See my left sidebar. I love love love all of those and I cannot speak highly enough of those girls or their words.

11. Where are you going?
Everywhere.

but a word is a bottomless pit

Everything evaporates slowly in an unseasonably warm spring. Firetrucks aren't as red as they once were. Pain isn't nearly as incapsulating in the physical realm. But the pain of the tattoo gun pressing against your cerebellum is what traps you and makes you scream. They'll all leave eventually. They'll leave and you'll be stuck here, glowing finally but glowing alone. You're a neon sign with one letter flashing in helpless murder of a perfect word. Closed becomes close. Close becomes lose. It's all breaking apart just as it's coming together. Syntax and diction are crawling under your nailbeds and what are you doing instead? You nap and you cry, you drink and you fuck. You scream, you laugh, you finally leave your bed just as everyone else heads home. He was British and he wanted you. He was British and you left him standing on a street corner with your dreams clawing at his belt buckle. Home alone on the kitchen floor, that small ice cream drip from last week is sitting right beneath your cheek but you're too drunk to care. This warm spring took all of the fight right out of you. What's left? That lonely drip of ice cream on the unwashed kitchen floor. That smell of him dusted on your clothes. The bloody hope that all this isn't for nothing.

via *

22 today

16

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22

All age 22 photos by beautiful Shelby Richins

How I've changed. Happy birthday, little girl.

pour me a drink and pour your eyes over me.

You've always been the dangerous one. First I was your secret, your play thing, your high school taste. I was a risk you took, a risk to your cool factor, the image you'd molded of yourself as a bad boy, the streetwise one. If I was such a secret, doesn't that make me the dangerous one? I know you more than you'd like me to. But you never stayed away.

Your hair was always long, but even longer now. You moved closer to me and I breathed you in: the smoke, the liquor, the past. Fogged up windows, hushed breath, so much history. And years later I still feel your hands, the first hands. 

I was hazy quickly. You called it forward action, I called it liquid luck. I watched you from my booth, I pressed myself agains the wall, I let my eyes bubble up the length of my straw until I saw you looking back. 

That band is loud.

That band is shit.

That band gets better the more you drink.

You slid into my booth again and I slid my hand across your back, down your leg. Your hand found my thigh. Don't let them see. Maybe this isn't such a game after all. 

I'm told your eyes were on me when you sang. I know I was staring right at you. You were eating me alive. Everything burned, like guitar strings against calloused fingers. 

As we left, there you stood smoking. Or talking. It didn't matter. I grabbed your face. I kissed you like I knew I would. I couldn't even tell you why. 

I can only write about you with an elevated heart rate. With bass lines piercing the silence. When I dance in a dark room all alone. Maybe it's because I only feel you when my heart is racing and my nerve endings feel alive and tingling. You are the dangerous boy, after all. You make me feel dangerous. 

via *

tag, you're it!

Beautiful Lacey tagged me to do a fun sort of getting to know you tag. I feel as though it's been a little while since I've "introduced myself" to all of you so now feels like a wonderful time to tell you a bit more about the girl behind the words. Let's do this.

1. What's your motto?

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I like the idea of being vital. Being able to carry on through whatever struggle you are facing, not just leaving everything behind and not learning from it. Starting over, getting a blank slate, and facing it like a hero. That's vitality.

2. What's the first memory you remember having?

Oooh this is a good one. I remember taking a bunch of styrofoam hunks from out of a package my parents got and making them into movie theater seats. I sat all of my stuffed animals in the seats, shined my nightlight at my TV screen, and had a private showing of the movie Titanic. Pretty ingenious to make a movie theater in my bedroom, complete with projection light. Genius little girl. Titanic is the first movie I remember watching when I was around three. You can say me and Leo have been meant to be since the very first day.

3. Is there a word you seem to say a lot?

Literally. Nope. (Let's be realistic. My most used word is for sure Bitch. I am Jesse Pinkman.)

4. If you could live anywhere, where would you choose?

Anywhere in England. But also Seattle. Anywhere rainy and lovely and inspiring with beautiful bearded men.

5. What's your favorite indulgence? 

Oh there are so many different kinds! Netflix marathons, buying a stack of new books, chocolate covered strawberries. There is a chocolate factory about a block from my house and I went last night to get some chocolate berries. Guess what they told me? Saturday night. 50% off chocolate strawberries. This is dangerous knowledge.

6. What's a song you have repeatedly stuck in your head? 

Lately? What Would You Do by Bastille. He is everything and more. I cannot with him.

7. Think of something soft? What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

My baby blankets. Step off. I'm 22 and I still sleep with them every night. Like a straight playa.

8. When you were a kid who did you look up to and why?

Always my teachers. I thought they were so astounding and did so much. My home life was constantly full of shocks and surprises but when I came to school my teachers were able to wrangle all of these kids with what looked like ease. And they always loved me and supported me. I have always had the best teachers.

9. If you could communicate with any animal, which would you choose?

You know, I was going to say my dogs but then I realize nope. They've seen some things that I don't want to hear about from their perspective. They know a little too much about me. So I'm gonna go with birds. I want to hear about places I've never seen and views I'll never have.

10. What do you like to do on rainy days?

Nap with the windows open so I can feel the freezing breeze while I'm in bed. Then I'll wake up slowly and pick up a book and lose myself completely. Also... if a pretty bearded boy wanted to show up with Curry for two... I wouldn't be mad.

11. What do you hope to achieve this year?

I want to live and write and think for myself and no one else. I don't want to make any solid goals that can be measured, like finishing any big projects. I will know if I've written for myself and lived for myself. And by God I will.

I loved this tag. I tag Shelby and D for this tag! And also anyone else who wants to participate!

to the artists

Let me be your muse.
Let me breathe inside your mind
and wrap myself in technicolor.
I want to drive you mad,
make paint bleed from your fingertips
and watercolors drip from your pores.
I want you to taste me as you dream,
Taste my aqua gaze,
my tangerine tongue.
Run your fingers through my hair
and sculpt every strand in clay.
I'll live in canvas and dance in marble.
I'll be your Nike, your Sistine Chapel.
Whisper my name to Van Gogh,
let Manet long to have me as you do.
Never let me die or fade.
Let me be your muse.

via *