mantra

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smatterings of thought

-I'm having a hard time motivating myself to continue interning where I am working/ interning in general. I feel like I gave the assisting thing a shot and it's just not where I want to be. at all. I loved the people in my first internship. the people at my second one are distant and guarded and have offered no help. I don't need mch. but some direction would be nice. The days drag. I only have something like two weeks left but every morning I feel like I cannot possibly make it.

-I miss someone and I don't know how to fix that. Advice? Do I call them? Text them a well intentioned message wishing them well? continuing to stalk his twitter and instagram? hope he will happen upon my blog and figure out which posts are for him and wait for his move? It's getting to a weird point. An insatiable hunger to see them, feel the support I had from him once. It's like a weeping willow has sprouted in my heart and it's weighing my chest down. 

-This. 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark,

same old empty feeling in your heart,

cause love comes slow and it goes so fast.

-The fact that it's not raining today is severely bumming me out. I super wanted to go run in the rain and let my skin get soaked down to my bones. 

-I found my journal from when I was 18. I can now say with evidence that I would have beat my 18 year old self up in about a minute. But, actually, I probably would have just hugged her and told her that it does in fact get better. Then it gets harder than I ever could have imagined, but that the future will also be brighter than either of us could have hoped for. It was funny reading what I was scared for, plans for the future. But mostly I was surprised by the emptiness of it all. I didn't remember a lot of what I had written. I didn't mention many names, just situations. I remember thinking that there was no way I would forget the people I was referencing, so there was no point to including names. Fact is, I don't remember. I feel like blogging will mean so much more in the future. It isn't just writing bland daily occurrences, it's tracking overpowering feelings and small puzzle pieces of my day. The diary entires consisted of "I cannot wait to graduate, today I wore new shoes, yesterday was hard." My blog has more feeling. I can't wait to look back on all this.

-Can we discuss the sunset last night? That single streak of pink peaking out under the grey blanket of clouds that still let a few stray raindrops fall. I want my life to look like that always.

-I had writer's block until I started writing. Funny how that works, huh? 

-This was my weekend.

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-This is my month. Let's pull through it together.

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Shades of September

September skies are coming in so beautifully in her first week, aren't they? I love them. She's giving us some beautiful watercolor skies.

I have a special place in my heart for the special shade of orange that comes in September. It peeks through the shades at around six every night. My happiest memory is bathed in that light and I still feel warm when the skies ignite into those orange fields. 

I love how sunsets change throughout the year. I love the light blue spring nights, the vibrant violet summers, the golden honey falls, and the bright pink and clear blue winters. I want to live in the sunset. I'd chase it forever. 

midnight musings II

-I feel paralyzed when I write sometimes and I'm not entirely sold on what I've written. I realize first drafts can't be perfect.

-This scares me. I'm a perfectionist. It scares me when my words aren't perfect.

-You know what helps? Music. 

-Cliches are cliches for a reason. They are true.

-Without music, I believe, we would all feel paralyzed. 

-We would feel lost.

-We wouldn't breathe.

-All we can do is keep breathing

-I hope everyone has something they can love like I love words.

-I hope everyone has a celebrity they can look up to. Or if not a celebrity, someone with influence. 

-Pop culture is a part of us. It's time to accept that.

-Ever let your past come back at 12:05 and keep you up at night? 

-Sometimes it's nice to sit and think the past through.

-Even past that is re-imagined is true to you. It becomes your history. 

-I love personal histories

-I am a collector of lives.

-I want to hear every single story.

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gaga

"So. When I wrote the next song, it was one of the hardest things that I did because, you know, everybody went on about all the clothes, right? And all the makeup and the wigs and 'why does she always cover up?' So I decided I would use this opportunity to tell you why. Because the whole world is watching and what I wanted you to know is that like some of you, which is why I wrote Born this Way, I cared not for success, I cared not if people liked it. I cared only about that even just one person that it might touch. I was willing and will always be willing to risk it all for what I believe in. 

So here I am. The human underneath the wigs.

This is my real hair.

 And the reason for that is because what I was saying was like you, some of you, I've went through some really tough times. And tough times I've never really talked about. And I never talked about it because I didn't feel that I needed to use it for people to like my music. And I won't tell you exactly what it was now because, no need to be a downer, really. But I'm telling you because in order to write ARTPOP, I had to be willing to take off all the wigs and the makeup that I used to cover up the pain. And it's not that I don't love my wigs- I am my hair, obviously- it's just that I used them for a long time to become different people so that when I woke up in the morning and I didn't feel strong enough to be me I just created someone else. And it worked and it will work for all of you whenever you choose to do it. But in order to grow, be a better artist, and to become closer to you I knew I had to show you what's underneath all of the theater. So here I am. In order to get here, I had to climb through a lot of swine."
- Lady Gaga, iTunes Music Festival, September 1, 2013

This right here is why I have been a Gaga fan from day one and why I will continue to be one from here on out. She is real and raw and afraid, like all of us. She's not fake. She believes in what she creates. And look at how beautiful she is, natural and free.

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This is a new song she wrote for her fans after she broke her hip and was unable to perform. Her passion and love of performance is something of her that has always inspired me and will continue to inspire me. Gaga, I love you. Also, I have been told we look alike. I'll take it.

Please give this song a listen. She is so talented. So beautiful. Let her inspire you too. Lyrics below.

It's off, it's on

The party's just begun

Take off, and run

Let's celebrate the fun of being young

I don't wanna grow up

I don't wanna grow up

But when the lights come on

You lift me up, and I feel strong

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

Lights off, lights on

The music has begun

More light, you run and get the bad guy's gun

I love the songs that you play

And I don't care what they say

Cause I was born this way

When I hear you scream, I hit the top of the stage

Close my eyes, I know exactly who I am

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

I won't be right without you

And I might break without you

I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and alone

I'll write hit songs about you

No matter how we'll get through

I'll keep on singing for a living, but I wanna be in love

And I wanna be with you

I wanna be with you

No matter what breaks me, I wanna be with you

Flashback: January

The waiter leaves the water on the table and we both turn to watch the condensation run down the glass. Another testament to your goodness, this is my favorite restaurant. My favorite dishes. My favorite city. The only favorite you have is me, and suddenly I'm not delivering anymore. I watch the condensation spilling off the glass in silence and you watch me, waiting for me to spill.

Your hand reaches out for mine across the table. Your fingertips barely touch my nail beds, resting like feathers on top of newly erupted grass. I glance into your eyes, your eyes radiating love and honesty. My eyes give you nothing. I've become an actress in my own life, unable to remember her motivation or her lines.

The last dish comes as I gratefully jolt my hand back from the table. I can smile at the waiter, but not at you. I hear you beginning to speak, but it's all mumbles and colors flying in one ear and straight out the other. You don't deserve this. All you ever did was try.

I tried too, until I didn't. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I didn't see you anymore. I didn't see much of anything, really.

You pay while I stare at your neck, remembering warmer nights in the late fall haze that have smoldered down into a match trying hard to blow itself out. You keep cupping your hands around it, hoping it will hold on. Until one night, I purse my lips, guide your hands away, and blow it out myself.

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hello september

Can you believe it? This year has flown buy and I for one am pretty grateful for that. When I woke up on January 1st, I knew 2013 would be a hard year. I just had a feeling that I would feel lost all year, feel like I'm wading around waiting for my life to start.

I went to Davis last Friday to talk to my dear friend Mr. Larsen and he put a lot of things in to perspective for me. He said that it's hard for people to spend so much of their time doing things for everyone else and nothing for themselves. It's hard to be patient for your time to shine. I feel that 2013 has been that for me. I was involved in a program I wasn't 100% about, I'm working in a place I'm not 100% about and I'm just itching for January. I cannot wait to start working toward MY goals finally without spending so much time considering everyone else's goals and plans for me. I have big plans of my own, world, and I tell you what: This fall I'm revving up my engines. Next year is mine. And it starts now. Let's do this September. I can't wait to see where you take me.

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Some brilliant things are happening this September, and the rest of the year. Like:

• pumpkin spice lattes. I used a secret code and got one early yesterday. Tasted like cuddling.

• Real cuddling is more delicious in the fall. If you want to date me, do it in the fall. We can jump in leaves together.
• Only two months until Catching Fire!
• One month to Halloween month! (Also side note... the PLL Halloween episode. If they don't redeem the hot mess that was the season finale... we are donezo.)
• September is WFMAD month! (Write fifteen minutes a day) This is hosted by one of my favorite authors, Laurie Halse Anderson, on her blog. It's a challenge for writers who have found themselves to be a bit... lazy with their writing during the sumer months. It's a good way to get back in to writing every day! You can check out her post here.
• In October, I am seeing Imagine Dragons in concert! Woo!
• Leaves are gonna change colors so soon. Cool fall afternoon hikes, anyone?
• I can finally wear my boots again without dying of heat stroke.
• We are THIS MUCH CLOSER to Christmas!
• My TV shows are coming back on! New Girl, Parks and Rec, Grey's Anatomy. Mmm I've missed these shows. 

What has got you excited this September? And for the rest of the year? Let me know! I love knowing what makes people happy :) 

Happy September and happy fall!