You know who you are. You are the old guys who sit in the cafe watching me mop, hoping I'll drop my mop on the ground so I have to bend over to pick it up. You are the guys who come up to me in the cafe and offer to take me to Las Vegas for some "good times and cheap liquor." Sorry, sir. Busy forever. And no, I don't want to be friends with your daughter.
You are the guy who comes in for some free dental work and tells me that my surgical mask really makes my eye color pop. (I bet you say that to all the girls.)
You are the guy that makes girls have to ask their manager to walk them to their car. You are the guy who makes girls call their friends to come follow them home after work so you don't.
You are this:
I feel like your parents taught you better than this. On one hand, I admire the crazy amount of confidence you have. I mean, you are nothing if not forward and persistent. But on the other hand, THE MADNESS MUST STOP. Yes, I like when men show an interest in me. But... I am also 21. You are what..58...63 years old? I know that age is just a number but... Unless you are George Clooney... imma draw the line here. If your mustache resembles any of the three above, or you start any sentence with "my last wife" or "This woman I dated when i was your age was just as spirited as you" I AM NOT INTERESTED. I'm assuming that it was YOU that broke her spirit because you gave her creepitis. Your creep infected her. And it's infecting my bubble. So. Away with you.
I don't know what it is about a guy turning 50 that makes them think they have the right to say anything they want about the way you look if THEY think it's a compliment. Guys: IT DOES NOT. You super don't have to tell me some compliments. I'll actually take it as a greater compliment if you keep that to yourself. If your compliments or date proposals start out with "My heart surgery last month went really well so..." Straight. Up. No. Nope nope nope.
Creeps, when you hear I have boy troubles, it doesn't help the situation to say that I deserve someone better, someone older who will only support me with my goals. "Those young boys are too wrapped up in their own crap and you need someone who only focuses on you." Really? Cause... I thought a relationship was about teamwork. Not you sitting and staring at me with a creepy grin on your face as I make your latte. RIDDLE ME THAT.
You never have the right to make a person feel afraid of where they work or of driving home. You don't have the right to stare down at my body as you sit across from me until I feel naked.
Creeps, keep it in your pants, keep your eyes to yourself, and NO I don't want to come to a yoga workshop you teach. Or come to the Greek festival with you, or to a new church your friend is starting.
Every Girl Ever
PS. All of those stories/ references = 100% my life. What even is reality? What is my life?