sick as the day is long

I love when the seasons change. My lungs however, do not seem to agree with me. Anyone else get sick every single year when summer fades into fall? It's the worst in the world because I always seem to be sick during the last good days of fall weather before Utah decides it's time for winter... three days into October. These are the last few days of sunshine, light breezes, bundled hikes and walks through the leaves. NOPE. I get to be stuck in bed, feeling dizzy every time I stand and coughing up my lungs.

Symptoms. 1. Bone rattling cough that leaves me crying and legitimately afraid of dying from lack of air. 2. The feeling of living inside of a snow globe every time I stand up. 3. Inability to keep warm even under a billion heavy blankets. 4. Runny nose capable of solving any drought crisis. (I'm sounding real good right about now. Boys, I am single and I would appreciate soup delivery.)

I have however read a lot and written a lot, so there is a bright side. I've caught up on a bunch of my shows (Insert me looking like a 70 year old woman watching ma stories.) I've also had a lot of time to think because being sick forces me from going 60 to slowing down to a good 3 miles per hour. Being sick as an adult is so much less fun than being sick as a kid. When you're a kid, you're missing school. As an adult, you're missing work. Homework makeup gives you something to do while you lie in bed all day. But missing money-making work? No good. No good at all.

I remember being sick in the winter of 7th grade. I missed an entire week of school and my mom made me go to school on Friday and collect all of my work that I'd missed so I could catch up over the weekend. Those four days were awesome. My mom set me up in her bed, I dozed on and off all day, threw up a few times but what did that matter when I was watching the Martha Stewart Christmas Special on repeat all week? After that week I was a yule log expert AND I could sing every song from The Wiggles Christmas Special.

It was so fun playing hookie from school and then going back the next week among the concern of teachers and friends. But now. Nobody cares if you're sick because that means covering shifts. And it's a lot less fun knowing you're losing money as opposed to classroom time. Here's hoping this clears up quickly! I got things to do, lungs. Work with me!

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junk drawer

Outside the sky is trying to hold back October tears, letting a few get brushed away by the trees outside my window. Calm autumn tears. Transitional tears.

I'm huddled up in bed, a drawer from my bedside table in my lap, heavy with misplaced odds and ends. Bottles of lotion, old and new. Lip gloss from various Easter baskets and Christmas stockings. Old CD cases, lists of books to be read, batteries, bobby pins, dental floss, band aids. Everything labeled too essential to be far from my bed, but not essential enough to be sorted into a proper place.

My hand is swallowed by the open mouth in the drawer. I feel a bite and rip my hand out of the pile, dripping red from a hole lightly opened by a rogue thumbtack. I follow the stream of red and see that it's gathering on a folded up receipt page. It's crumpled near the back of the drawer, now cloaked in dark human red. I unfold the note.

A page of Barnes and Noble book recommendations, all crossed out. The top of the page proclaims "You may also like..." leading to a penned response that simply states "ME." Underneath that, "I love you, a lot. R."

The bleeding of my finger has stopped as the pregnant sky starts to fall. The page is ruined, marred by maroon. I contemplate keeping the page, blood and all. But I'm not that morbid. Not quite yet. This note was never junk, a love note that must have drifted into the drawer outside of a book's page, where it should have stayed. Maybe soon another note will drift into my hands, kept safer this time. Cherished and protected. This time.

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10.1.13

• I had myself a nice little blog-cation while I finished out the month of September, finished my internships (!!!!), and started working once again at Barnes and Noble. I am so happy September is gone. 
• This song? It's an unreleased Lana song that I can't get enough of. Story of my life/ my theme song.

• I allowed myself the last day of September to be sulky and sad. I wanted to finish the month of September relishing the suckage of the past month so that I could wake up this morning and face the month of October with optimism and passion. I'm over feeling creatively isolated and I'm over feeling alone. This puzzle of my life is coming together, so help me lord.
• I'm reading Lolita right now and I am so conflicted about this book. On one hand, it is some of the sexiest writing I have ever read. And on the other hand... this man is in love with a 12 year old. I find myself getting so worked up, but then you remember she's 12 and everything is weird. It's one of the best books I've read in a long time.
• Last Saturday I went to a concert with Shelby my best friend and it was a steaming hot plate of awkward and delicious. I saw a person I hadn't seen since I was 17 and it was weird and judgmental and I haven't been that intensely looked up and down in many years. I loved it.
• I believe that brains have a sort of emotional memory. Some days I find myself in a bad mood that cannot be explained. It isn't PMS, it isn't because the day is a bad day. I think it could have something to do with something that has happened in previous years on the same day and your brain has remembered that subconsciously. It has been one year to the day that I saw Sir Idaho who ripped me apart/ world's largest douche. I was in the worst mood today for no reason, unexplainably sad and lost today. But you know, now I feel happy and ready for this month. At the end of this month last year, I met the most wonderful person I've known and hopefully I'll be seeing them again so so soon. 
• Let's do this October. Cannot wait.

via WeHeartIt

fall back

i felt the fall air today
for the first time this year.
summer set,
fall tiptoed in through
the back door,
softly,
almost unnoticed.

she brushed past the kitchen,
she strayed down the stairs,
she gussied up in the mirror in the hall.

she didn't knock as she
pushed in sideways through
my bedroom door,
barely clearing the crack.

i sighed in my sleep,
briefly stirring as she
kissed my forehead
and held my hand.

"everything is starting again,
my love. everything will change.
everything will grow as
the leaves drift down to sleep
on loamy, grassy beds.
the pieces will fall back into place,

your heart will heal and mend,
as the summer sun will end."

i smiled at her speech,
the kindness in her eyes.
"don't take too long, dear fall,
to bring my pieces back to me.
my bed is cold.
i don't want to feel the
winter chill
without his hand."

"winter was lonely and long,
spring was all pastels,
garish and sad.
summer was rash and hollow,
full of reminders and regret.
but i, my love, i blow the
leaves about, clear the dust
from strained and aching eyes.

fall is your shelter,
fall will bring you peace,
fall makes it all fall back,
the puzzle in your head and heart
finally solved.

sleep now, dear heart,
and do not dread the cold.
until your heart is back in his hand,
my hand won't leave your side."

as i slept
she brushed my hair,
sang me mountain hymns of
sprites and kings,
lionhearts and their maidens.

i dreamt of my lionheart,
our chilly days past
and future, falling into place
in her crisp gaze.

welcome fall.

via *

Thanks Triple-A Travis

My weekend in a picture.
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I took another drive this weekend, but I wasn't alone. It was quite an event leading up to this drive. What a wonderful Friday.

I went back to dear old Davis to see the annual Night of Shakespeare. I was incredibly excited to see the show since I've been coaching some of the kids this last week. They were amazing! They knew the text, they knew the emotion, they knew Shakespeare. Breath was being given to these characters from the souls of these teenagers and I was breathing it in like a drug. I love seeing Shakespeare performed well. Luckily, so does my theater teacher. Holla.

I went with Niki and Ally and when we got to the show, our dear old friend Christine and Tucker came in! Tucker and I have this thing where we always end up on Tumblr or Facebook at three in the morning talking about music and boys. He's for real the best and it was so great to finally be real life friends instead of just internet friends. After the show ended, Niki, Ally, Tucker, and I went to Ihop so I could wade in a vat of red velvet pancakes and hashbrowns while we talked about our romantic lives, or lack thereof, and reminisce about the past. The conversation continued into the Walmart, Allison's grandma's garage, and then finally in my car in the Davis High parking lot.

The minutes fled quickly that night with the windows down and the slow September breeze fanning us gently as we laughed and remembered. A lot of topics were covered, Tucker got to kiss a girl for the first time (sup Tucker.), and eventually Niki and Ally drifted on home leaving Tucker and I for more conversation... and a dead car battery. WHOOPS. But it was cool because I had amazing company, a few year's worth of stories to share, and Travis from AAA. It took a whopping three seconds for him to fix my battery and then to be told "don't turn the car off for 20 minutes." Deal, Travis. Deal. I hijacked Tucker and our drive up the mountain began.

I turned each street with ease, years of driving this path under my belt. I drove where I always go when Ogden Canyon is too far, but home is too close. I've driven this route crying, laughing, singing, smiling. Tonight I drove it thinking and sharing music with a wonderful friend. I asked his advice about my life, he asked me opinions of his personality (TUCKER GIRL YOU FABULOUS) and we shared melancholy melodies in the night. When I finally took Tucker home, everything felt easier and settled. The drive was cathartic, the conversation better. I love talking. I love listening. I love learning and sharing. Hearing different opinions about the happenings in your life will never not be helpful, just as that sentence will never not be dreadful. Or accurate.

I got into bed at 4 in the morning feeling so exhausted but so hopeful and buzzing with good vibes. It's nice to lay in bed at night, especially that late and still find yourself giggling about what happened that night, the people you ran into, the people you ignored, the memories you shared. Nostalgia is like a drug. I guess it's just up to you if you make it a happy drug, or a debilitating one.

Postcards from Home: 1

I've wanted to talk about how much I love my little hometown for a long time. So when Natalia from Elan the Blog talked about doing a series of posts about her favorite spots in her hometown, I was inspired to put my little project into action. I love Kaysville so much and no matter how big city my dreams are, this little haven will always be my hometown. It's everyone's hometown; it's even called Utah's hometown, which I would agree with. Out of every city in Utah I have visited, nothing feels more welcome and historic and lovely than my little K-Town.

To start with my spotlights of some of my favorite places here, I knew exactly where I wanted to talk about first. It is the center of Main Street in Kaysville and a place I have loved forever.

I love our little theater. It costs $2 on weeknights and $3 on the weekend. It shows movies a few months after they have been running on the big screens at the main theaters. They come here for their last gasp before DVDs plop into the nearest Redbox or pop into your Netflix instant watch. I know the owners of this theater through all of the theater I did in High School and I love catching people I know when they take my ticket or scoop my popcorn into a bag for me. It is the quintessential small town hang out. Everyone knows everyone, everyone smiles at each other. 

My first field trip was to this theater in the first grade. We watched Doug the Movie and afterward we all got a little piece of film reel to take home with us. I remember how amazing it was to hold the film up toward the light and see the images printed there, not quite understanding that THIS was what I just watched on the screen, that all of the pieces of film revolved at warp speed to create a seamless moving picture. We got free popcorn courtesy of the popcorn shop right next door, and we were warned about the dangers of bringing outside food into a movie theater. It was enthralling. 

In the lobby of the theater, they keep a sort of display of old film equipment and their concession stand is the only theater concessions stand in the world where buying popcorn doesn't feel like spending enough money to buy gas. It tastes better too, but maybe that's because the air is right. The people are right. This old theater is right.

I've had family adventures here, date nights from heaven and from hell. I've even come here alone many times (mostly while Gatsby was playing) and sat alone in the back of the small theater to watch my favorites for the 7th time. It's ten minutes from my house and so full of memories and community love. That's the real reason I keep coming back. It's a Kaysville tradition, just like having the entire audience say "EWWWWWWW" during the classic 80s commercial about keeping the theater clean that features the disgusting shoe stepping in gum after failing to keep his trash neat and tidy and off of the theater floor. Ironically, the floor of the Kaysville theater seems to be constantly covered in popcorn. I love it. 

Some people have home theaters in their houses. My home theater is down the block. 

she has a sparkling personality

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For as long as I can remember, I've loved horoscopes and personality tests; anything that let me get a glimpse into my soul or my future. Any clues about who I am and how to unravel my mind. Any cosmic help for any situations I may find myself in. Love them all.

A week or so back Vaida on her gorgeous blog Don't Tell Anyone Arts posted about a personality test she took as part of her Blogtember challenge. I jumped at the chance to get an in depth look at my personality.

The test is based on Carl Jung's and Isabel Briggs Myers analysis of personalities. You can find the quiz here. After taking the quiz it directs you to a plethora of information about you. I'd love to see your results so if you do take this quiz, be sure to let me know. I love getting to know people this way. ALSO I found a Harry Potter character map where you can find out which Harry Potter character you are based on your results. Find that here! I am Dumbledore. So. Doing great.

Here are my results:

ENFJ: Extravert Intuitive Feeling Judging
I have a slight (11%) preference of Extroversion to Introversion.
I have a moderate preference (38%) of Intuition over Sensing.
I have a distinct preference (62%) of Feeling over Thinking. (Which explains a lot.)
I have a marginal or no preference (1%) of Judging over Perceiving.


ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

My info from the Harry Potter chart says: 

The Teacher. Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in others, want to help them fulfill it. May act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. Provides inspiring leadership.

Sounds excellent to me! I'll take it! Also Johnny Depp and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are also ENFJs. In good company. 

Let me know your results if you take this test! I loved all of this information, especially knowing being a teacher is in my personality. One step closer to being a professor :)