risk

via Tumblr

It is a risk to chase your dreams. What if it doesn't work out? What if it does?

What's scarier?

Failing?

Or succeeding.

High Noble

I'm happy I've gotten to a point in my life where I can see couples and instead of being jealous and annoyed, I can look at them with hope and admiration. I cannot wait to have what they have, I think.

I cannot wait until a man looks at me like that.

I cannot wait until I find my person.

I cannot wait to feel the peace of having my soulmate by my side.

I cannot wait to feel love again.

I watch TV shows and movies now and when I see a couple in love, instead of thinking "I want that man with ME" I think "I am so happy they found each other. These two souls have crossed paths somehow and made a beautiful, complete relationship. (Note... there are some characters that do belong with me. cough cough Jay Gatsby cough cough.)

A lot of people seem to call this attitude foolishly hopeful, young, inexperienced. But you know, as young as I am, I have had my fair share of experiences venturing in to the storm clouds of relationships and love. I've seen smooth sailing, I've seen stormy seas, and through it all my little boat has managed to hit land and endure, a little cracked but still afloat. What breaks us in the world, what rips our strings until they snap is what makes us hopeful.

"I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is." 

- John Green, Paper Towns

I was talking again with the dentist I'm currently working with when he asked me about my family. I told him my parents were divorced and he asked me why their relationship didn't work. I was surprised by his question but I slowly answered "They were different people. It wouldn't have worked no matter how hard they tried, I think. I wasn't there. I can't know." 

His eyes softened a bit as he thought for a moment. He smiled a bit and finally said:

"I'm sorry for that. But you know, relationships take a certain amount of science. It's like fusing two metals. You can take two base metals, two ugly metals that don't belong and through fire and heat, they come together to make an alloy, a high noble metal with such great value. But first, they have to start out weak and broken and ugly. You have to be very broken to come together to form something beautiful. Year after year of being broken and torn down lead to the heat of another person and after being broken down some more with them, you become this beautiful high noble. You have greater strength and greater resistance. And it's because you have them with you."

Let yourself be broken, let the fault lines rip you apart. Feel everything, but don't be afraid to fall in love again. I have fallen in love four times in my life and after each time, I thought there was no way I could ever feel whole again. But each time I let myself fall again, I felt my faith grow stronger instead of letting myself lose hope. 

The more broken, the more beauty is locked inside, the more precious of a metal you become. 

via Tumblr
Quote is from The Book Thief <3

empty chairs at empty tables

On this deliciously dreary afternoon I ventured back in time to my old high school to see my dear friend and former English teacher. He had a few books to recommend to me and I always love our chats. (Side note, nothing on Earth says "I care for you" like book recommendations. It's like peering into the souls of your friends and glimpsing their heart.) Sadly I missed him but I decided to stick around and walk the halls down to my old theater room, hoping to run in to my old theater teacher.

I creaked open the door and the room was black, not a soul around. It was perfect. I was so tired and so much in need of rest and in need of a trip home to that safe place. Students hadn't been there yet and the only people around were the ghosts of days gone by. There is nowhere more quiet that a school that has  yet to open its doors to students for the year. I needed that kind of quiet today. It was a long night and an even longer summer.

Even since I started doing theater in my junior year, an unbelievable 5 years ago, that room became my safe place. I learned about happy thoughts, I learned about releasing your inner child, I learned how to breathe. I grew up, I cried (a lot), I laughed (a lot), I loved, I was hurt. I spent more time in that room than anywhere else during high school, even my own house. My laughter still sings off of the walls, mixing with the silver memories of the people who came before me and after me. The people who used that room left so much of ourselves there. Where else were we allowed to paint the walls with words and colors?

I shut my mind off and reclined in the easy chair in the front row as a 16 year old Emma flitted across the stage with her friends, a 17 year old Emma recited a monologue stage right, an 18 year old Emma left the room for the last time after hugging her teacher goodbye, and saying hello to a now friend. I stole kisses in that room. I can still taste those sweet innocent embraces and the nostalgia in that room hugs me close each time I enter it. In that room I learned the difference between being tough vs being strong.

As I tiptoe in and out of my past, the feelings in that room stay constant. I miss how I felt in high school, how easy it was for me to find positivity and to recharge. The root of all of that was this room, this chapel of the creative; a sanctuary for the open and honest. Since I left high school, I've experienced a lot and it's jaded me. I haven't found a place like that room where I have felt so completely safe and comfortable and I remember after my visit today how vital it is to have that place. I want to try to keep my hope rooted in that room and rooted in my 16 year old self even as I grow and change.

I am so lucky I got such an amazing experience in high school and I am sorry if you didn't. Or if you wasted your time in high school by counting down the minutes until it was over or treating those around you like dirt solely because you felt like dirt about yourself. I was lucky, I suppose. Lucky to be surrounded by people who respected my opinions and allowed me to be open and allowed me to be myself. Lucky to have a room like this that I can always come back to.

Thank you, Andra

Thank you, Mr. Larsen

Thank you , Mr. Oram

Thank you, Mr. Rice

Thank you my friends

Thank you all. 

Complacence

I love feeling swept away with conversation. I love meeting someone who I feel I can talk with forever and ever. It reminds me about how amazing life is and how beautiful dedication and the human mind can be. With so much to do and so much to hope for, how can anyone stand to not be driven and active and excited to be alive? Lazy days are good but a lazy life? Such a shame.

I've been working in the dental office for about three weeks now and time has flown. Sure I've learned about dentistry but I've learned more about people, especially the people I am working with. The dentist I have been assisting has such a wise and kind soul. He is very thoughtful, very smart, very dedicated, and one of my favorite people to talk to. He listens without judging, shares opinions without preaching, and is also hilarious. So. He's a gem. If he's not your dentist, you're doing it wrong.

He's a very active man. He runs races. He raises a family. He works as a dentist. And he is always striving for self improvement and knowledge, a trait I find the most inspiring. He is so thirsty to learn and loves sharing ideas with people for the mutual pursuit of knowledge. He's the kind of person that you talk with that you walk away feeling better about yourself and so excited to get out and live! And run! (Or try and run. Oh exercise... why must you hurt me so?)

His excitement has made me feel excited again. For the past few weeks I have started to get this cringing complacency crawling across my mind. I've accomplished a good deal recently and I've landed into a rare transitional period where all I have to do is wait until it's time to start my next chapter. Because of that, I've gotten lazier and lazier. It's not so much unmotivated as it is...uncritical satisfaction. I'm satisfied for now because I really can't do anything else but wait for my time to come. It's not quite moving day, not quite time to get back to the U, not quite time. It's a lackluster limbo that has made me painfully complacent.

But as I've been talking with the doctor, I've rediscovered how much I have to do with my life. I feel like I've woken up after these past few weeks. Just because my goals and dreams aren't new to me, doesn't mean they aren't new to someone else or that you can't make them new again for yourself. There is never a good time to stop working hard to chase your dreams, especially if they are finally happen.

Is it just me, or did you never think you'd get to where you are right now? Like, you plan your whole life but the day it begins to happen, it amazes you. You can achieve your dreams in this life? You're allowed to get what you want? When did we all grow up? Time flies and before you know it, you're here. You're on your way, and why not? You deserve your dreams.

I know the feeling of never thinking you'd get to where you are right now. It's amazing to see dreams coming true for yourself and it's also very humbling to see how much work and how many detours it takes to get to your dream. When you're little you anticipate a straight shot to greatness; nobody told us the arrow would be curved. I never thought I'd be a dental assistant. I still can't believe it. I'm a professional person working with real people in real time. But this detour has taught  me so much and prepared me even more for my true calling in life.

Surgeons once worked at McDonalds too before they realized their dream of saving lives. The struggle toward your dreams inherently defies complacency. Take it from me, do not let yourself get complacent because you think you've hit a rest stop. Use this time to pour over your maps for the 700th time, reroute if necessary, and then carry on. Even if you are driving slowly in a desert, you are nearing your paradise faster than you know it.

via Tumblr. Quote by John Green

wasted daylight

Water color clouds bleed across

the azure page as your

thought inch up my spine

like ink.

The ghost of your fingertips

brush past my wrist,

down my palm,

nesting on my nail beds.

Do you remember?

Wasted days

sitting in twisted sheets,

sipping scalding coffee,

mussing my hair,

mapping your back

with eager hands 

exploring

learning

yearning.

The daytime 

sparks and scalds our skins.

so we stay in.

Huddled in each other,

until the moon called me home.

She wears your face now,

obscured by clouds,

she's made brighter,

as you made me. 

Irony, no?

Wasted time, enjoyed,

was not wasted.

I still waste daylight with 

you by my side. 

EmJ

via WeHeartIt

Based on this <3

theme song

What do you hear inside your head all the time? What is the song that plays when you enter a room? What is the song of your heart? What do you hear buzzing in your ears when that fuzzy silence sets in late at night?

People are born with rhythm in their bodies. Bodies synchronize together and work together with the steady strum of the Earth moving beneath our feet. So what do you think is your theme song? Do you have a sweeping symphony full of violins and sorrowful strings? A power ballad from the 80s? A heavy bass blasting beat dropping with each footstep? 

First impressions happen quickly. Next time you find yourself face to face with someone new- or someone old that you are still trying to puzzle out- try to hear their theme song. Simple and sweet? Wild and pounding? Maybe your music will clash and maybe it will compliment. I love music and I love humans. 

I love simple songs with pretty words. I'd have an easy acoustic song following me, with a power chorus following right behind the sweet little verse, I think. It would be nostalgic and anguished and powerful and vulnerable. Like if Lana del Rey and Mumford and Sons got together for a night and then that baby was babysat by The Civil Wars and The Killers. That sounds about right. 

So what is your theme song? What do you sound like? What follows you into a room? I'd love to know, darlings. 

via WeHeartIt

Friday Favorites-Deserted Island Books

I'm a pretty passionate person, which means I love a lot of things. I have a lot of favorites and I have a hard time with questions about picking favorites. But... I'm also a masochist and I love discussing favorites with people. To borrow a quote from John Green, a favorite author, "Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than the stories and people we are quoting." Our favorites show a lot about ourselves. Next time you think about your favorite anything, think about what is says about you.

I want to start putting up some posts about my favorite things! It's the best part of dating and getting to know someone, seeing their favorites and what they love. So every few fridays, let's get to know each other with some favorite sharing, yes? If you have any ideas for what you'd like to see here, let me know! Movies, books, food, literary characters, you name it!

To start off, let's take one of the hardest questions to answer and hash it out! You're on a deserted island. What five books would you take with you to a deserted island? I saw this post on one of my favorite book blogs called The Midnight Garden. I love what they said about why this is so hard. It means forever with these five books. So what do you pick? The classics, the guilty pleasures? The books that changed you? GAH This is so hard. But so fun. It's like a horrible version of that game Would you rather? I love that game too.

So. After much debate! Here are my five deserted island books.

via WeHeartIt

1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

This I feel is decently self explanatory. I love the romance, I love the words, I love the passion. I love Jay Gatsby. It's a book I can never get sick of and it would be a real comfort during any long dark nights. Something about this book feels eternal to me and it would be the first thing I would miss if I didn't have it with me.

2. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

This is another of my absolute favorite books; a book I read once a year. It is unbearably sad but it is also probably the most beautiful book I have ever read. This book changed me and made me a different person and a different writer. Zusak is incredibly talented with his words and this book has some of my favorite literary characters of all time. When I finish reading this book I miss the characters like I miss friends I haven't seen in a while. I would have to keep these characters close.

3. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

I have a box set, so I'm counting it as one book and bringing all three with me. K at The Midnight Garden counted her Harry Potter box set as one so this works too. These books make me feel strong and have pulled me through a lot. THey are exciting and full of adventure and if I was ever in a pickle on my little island I would just pull a Katniss and save myself. I'd need these books there to learn from. And also because they are too good to not bring. These books are perfect. I am Katniss Everdeen and I wouldn't want to lose my connection with her.

(I would like to point out that I am in PAIN trying to pick just five. This was a foolish idea.)

4. The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides 

Here is another book with some of the most beautiful writing around. I read this book for the first time this year and was enraptured by it. It's so unique and just fills your mind with thoughts and questions. It's a pretty book. It's so dark and sexy and haunting. If I have the rest of my life to be on an island, I want to spend that time pondering complex things. This book really makes me do that. Also I love Lux. 

5. Looking for Alaska by John Green

Rounding it out with one of my absolute favorite books of all time, by a favorite author. This was the first book I called a favorite and this book fell in to my hands when I was 15 years old and I still can't get over it. It makes me laugh, it makes me weep, it makes me feel, it makes me love. This book made me want to write more than I already was writing at the time. It's another one of those "contemplate life" books and it gives me a lot of hope. Can't leave hope at home when I'm stuck on an island.

Ok. Well that was torture but I'm happy with my list! Not all of my absolute favorite books made the cut, but I will be all set on my island. And these books do say a lot about me, don't they? I have quite the morbid streak. Ha I can't help but laugh as I count up the total casualties I'll be reading for the rest of my life on my little island. Ha. Awesome.

What are your five books to take to a deserted island? I'd love to know!

Hump Day Jams

Have you listened to The Civil Wars new album yet? It is all I have listened to this week and I am in love. I am obsessed. It rings in my soul and it is perfection. Her voice is so unique and so beautiful. It's so hauntingly, stingingly, bitterly sweet. The harmonies they have together are so pure and easy. They sound like they are floating on air.

My friend Niki was talking with me about them and she said this ruby of a thought. "They sing life. They just sound like life." And they do. I love them.

My favorite song on the album is called Dust to Dust. I can't. Take a listen, beautiful world.

Also that album cover? Can they stop being so perfect? And these lyrics.

It's not your eyes,

It's not what you say,

It's not your laughter

That gives you away.

You're just lonely

You've been lonely

too long.

Oh, you're acting your thin disguise

All your perfectly delivered lines

They don't fool me

You've been lonely

too long.

Let me in the wall 

you've built around

We can light a match

and burn them down.

Let me hold your hand 

and dance round and round the flames 

in front of us.

Dust to dust.

You've held your head up

You've fought the fight

You bear the scars

You've done your time.

Listen to me,

You've been lonely

too long.

Let me in the wall

you've built around

We can light a match

and burn them down.

Let me hold your hand

and dance round and round the flames

in front of us.

Dust to dust.

You're like a mirror, reflecting me.

Takes one to know one, take it from me.

You've been lonely,

You've been lonely, too long.

We've been lonely

We've been lonely, too long.

via Tumblr

Two Hearts

Enmeshed in each other,

violet eyes locked, 

your heart beating against my palm

Your scent lives in my lungs,

huddled into my chest,

hugged by my ribs. 

Em

via WeHeartIt

Art

Creativity is a recessive gene in my family. It's a seed that has planted itself a bit in all of us, but I feel that only a fair few of us have let it fully blossom and erupt into our lives. My uncle Rod is one person who has really dedicated himself to his art. He inspires me with how much he lives and breathes it. He lives and works as an artist and has had shows in New York, all over California, and of course here in Utah. His mediums have changed through the years but his talent has grown enormously.

Three pieces called Please Wait, In Memory Of,
and Counting the Days respectively.

He's greatly inspired by Asian culture and the ocean, which is his second home. He's a surfer and I think I've seen him twice where he wasn't wearing board shorts and flip flops. He's just the coolest, realest person around. And his mind is beautiful. 

Yesterday he had a quaint little art show on the fourth floor of the Salt Lake Public Library, which is seriously the most incredible building. It is itself a piece of art. 

Right now his medium of choice is painting with acrylics on sprawling canvases. His paintings have amazing texture and life inside of them. The movement of the painting, to me, reflects the oceans Rod has explored for years. Here's a glimpse into his mind. 

My favorite piece of his entitled Dedication.

Close up of Dedication.

A Flute with no Holes is Not a Flute

Now That Has Color

For You

Growth

Look at This.
(Side note, that is the title of the piece. Not a command.
But really. LOOK.)

His pieces look like they are made up of fractures of broken stained glass. Or foaming ocean tides. He's amazing. I am in love with his artist's statement on his website too:

"I am afraid of fear!

The moment before I paint, the feelings of fear flood my thoughts. Will the painting turn out? Am I using the right colors? Will I mess up again? These thoughts only last a few seconds. Then the need and excitement to paint takes over. I break through the fog of fear and begin to paint. Now there are no worries of what people think or how they will react to the work. 

The way I paint is a statement to myself of not to be afraid. My art reflects this. 

I am afraid of fear!"

This is perfect. This is how I feel about my writing. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. Incidentally, this is the quote Lady Gaga has tattooed on her arm:

"Confess to yourself in the deepest hour of the night whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. Dig deep into your heart, where the answer spreads its roots into your being, and ask yourself solemnly, Must I write?"

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Rod MUST paint to live. I MUST write to live. Our souls are connected deeply, by more than family blood. We are connected by art. Connect with him too by visiting his website. He has so many gorgeous paintings. You can find him here. 

Side note. Here are some gorgeous pictures of the library. This building, guys.

Paging Dr. Grey

Well I've done it! I completed my first week as a dental assistant intern in a dental clinic! Just call me Dr. Meredith Grey up in here. Alright, well maybe the procedures I've been assisting with and observing aren't as pressing as surgical cases but they feel pretty intense when you are inexperienced and interning.

It was a great week all in all. It's gonna take some time getting used to working adult people hours, though. I've worked at retail jobs over the years full of night shifts and weekends and now I'm a real working class hero working 9 hour days 40 hours a week. As hard as the adjustment is, I'm pretty excited to be moving up in the world, away from retail and all that jazz. And I loved feeling like I earned my weekend.

The hardest part of the whole experience thus far is being new at everything. It's always hard to start new jobs and new careers and I hate feeling unprepared and inexperienced. I'm used to being good at what I do and being on top of my game. But this is an entirely new animal for me and I'm having a hard time not knowing what I'm doing. I know that I'm new and I am learning fast and it will come with time. I just have the nasty habit of discouraging myself while I'm learning. I want to skip the training part and just be GOOD at my job. But practice makes perfect and I did get to assist a few times this week, and certainly more this coming week. I am picking things up pretty quickly, which is nice. But I tell you what, dental assistants have so much to remember.

Assistants have to know each step of every procedure so we can anticipate the needs of our dentist. He shouldn't have to ask for an instrument; we should just put the instrument he needs in his hand. I watched an extraction this week (WHICH WAS AWESOME!) and the entire room stayed silent through the 45 minute procedure. The assistant and oral surgeon didn't speak to each other, they just seamlessly passed their instruments back and forth. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. (Or teeth being pulled, which was AWESOME.)

At least dental assistants don't have to be used as chairs anymore.
Via Oral Answers

The best part about being an assistant is patient care, though. That's what I've picked up on the most in my first week. People get nervous and people LOVE to talk and feel supported and I love that part of my job is to be there for them to support them and answer their questions. I've been lucky enough to avoid any difficult patients and I have met some of the sweetest people. A deaf woman came in and I was able to speak a little sign language with her as she smiled up at me as we prepared to get her a crown. The sweetest little girl had her first cavity filled and reached up to gently take my hand throughout the procedure. I made my first temporary crown on an older gentleman and he was so sweet to sort of bear with me while I took my sweet time to make sure I wasn't making any mistakes. He even thanked me for being so sweet and pretty and said that he'd bring me homemade cookies next week when he comes in for a filling.

Working with people is what I love to do. I love being the person they can rely on for support and kind eyes peeking up over a dental mask. Everyone craves to be heard and comforted and to me that's the most important part of my job. So even if it takes me a hot second to remember the steps of a root canal, I can be the best support the patient can ask for. I don't know how long I'll be working as a dental assistant. It's hard to find a clinic that can work with a college school schedule but I am loving the time I do get to work as one. Lots of learning is happening and so many wonderful people are stepping in to my life. I am so happy.

Walking Irony

Time is flying this year, isn't it? Was it not JUST New Year? I remember New Year so vividly like it was yesterday and so much has changed. It was 7 months ago! It's gonna be Christmas tomorrow at this rate.

I sort of hate how time flies. And just like everyone always says, it goes faster the older I get. Good lord, I'm only 21. Time better simmer down if I plan to enjoy being 30 eventually. I just find it amazing when big things happen after loads of planning and time. It's like your high school graduation. You know it's coming for 13 years of school. You know it's always on the horizon. But one day you wake up, slip on your graduation robe, adjust your tassel, and have your dad drive you to your graduation. It feels surreal and is over so fast, just like everything amazing in this life.

I've spent so long planning for my future and now it's here for the most part. At least, the future I've been working towards for two years now. January is on her way, which means I finally get to be back at a University studying English like I want to be. (Brief side note, how DARE America not speak like the British do by saying "I'm at University reading English instead of majoring in? Real missed opportunity there.)

As excited as I am to get on my way to my dreams and my future, I'm so scared to leave where I am right now. I love my little twin size bed in the room I grew up in. I love having my dogs around me. (Real talk, I'm the saddest to leave my girls. Unbearable. Un. Bear. Able.) I love how my bed smells. I love my small town. I love knowing what I'm doing.

I like to be the best at things. I like to be good at what I'm doing and know what I'm doing. I hate feeling unsure or stuck in limbo. However, I love adventure. I'm walking irony. I love new things, but I hate being imperfect. I love new bedrooms and decorating, but I hate leaving my home. I thirst for new places and new people, but I'm so afraid to be hurt. I love irony and I hate it.

 I'm human juxtaposition.

This is a weird sort of word vomit of a post, but writing catharsis is always needed, yes? Not all words are flowering and pretty, but some rambling is needed for the flowers to grow.

via Tumblr

Mumford and Sons Wins

Have you seen the new Mumford video? Because it's a testament to how perfect they are. Just... Just watch this. I can't handle.

The best. But I miss this face.

via here

Get. Marcus. Mumford. Out. Of. Here. and in to my arms. What?

Also in an unrelated story, I started my first dental assisting job today. WOO! More words on that to come. 

Happy Monday!

On Love and Lola

I love when a book keeps you awake at night and makes you hold your breath because of how much you love it. I love when you root for a character so much that when they finally get something they want, you cannot help but shed a tear and smile like an idiot by yourself in a dark bedroom at 2 in the morning.

I love books that inspire me and make me want to read more and more.

I love books that make me want to write.

I love books that make me want to love.

I finished a book called Lola and the Boy Next Door a few nights back. It was the second book published by Stephanie Perkins and the second book of hers that I have read. When I read her first book, Anna and the French Kiss, I could not wait to get my hands on Lola. (I just reread that... I love the awkward. Apologies to any readers named Lola.) 

Perkins, man. Girl can WRITE. She is hilarious and pure and full of love and hope. Her books always leave me wonderstruck and ready to fall in love. She writes these boys... I just.... they are unreal. In Anna, the boy de jour is Etienne St. Clair. He's British, and also French, and also American. And also the most perfect specimen I have ever met. Read. Whatever I love him. In Lola, it's Cricket Bell. Adorable, awkward, excited, lovely Cricket. 

Don't you hate it when you read a book by an author and it's just so good that you cannot imagine anything being better? And then you go into every other book comparing it to your favorite, never imagining anything could top it. It makes it hard to get in to the other book. I walked in to Lola missing Anna and that world. Luckily for me, ANNA IS IN LOLA! AND SO IS ST CLAIR. And I loved Lola and Cricket enough without the other couple being there. I didn't think it would be possible for me to like a book liked I like Anna but man, Lola won me over. 

If you know me, you know that I'm not the biggest fan of the "chick lit" genre. I don't read a ton of books about girls falling in love with the argumentative but suave boy in her math class. I like my books a little bit deeper. But these books are anything but chick lit. They are so smart and so funny. Stephanie Perkins writes these strong girls who aren't chasing boys but seem to happen upon them, just like real life. Her boys are charming and perfect but they have secrets and burdens that humanize them, like real life. Her books are real, if you catch my drift. The characters don't meet and then hate each other and realize through a series of shenanigans that they are meant to be. They just ARE meant to be. 

Back to the writing for a hot second. Stephanie Perkins, if you are reading this... first off... I love you so much. Your taste in music is superb (GUYS she makes playlists on 8tracks for her books so you can hear what she heard while writing. Get her out of here. She is perfect.) Here is my question for you. How do you manage to write such romantic and sexy books without every ONCE being corny or cheesy? 

Never once during these books do I feel like the romance is forced or cheesy. The whole time I was reading Anna my heart was racing with anticipation and lust for those two to get together. During Lola, I wanted to cry from the beauty and delicacy of it all. It never went over the top, the words were never cliche. It was fresh and alive and heartbreaking. This sentence happened in Lola and I wanted to die:

Did you get that? Anguished. ANGUISHED. Can any word describe love better? It's deep and overpowering and it hurts. Being in love hurts in the best of ways. It's honest and so powerful. Stephanie Perkins gets this. Probably because she loves her husband more than anyone on this planet. Seriously. I've never seen a woman more in love with her husband, and I'm only seeing it through her words. Each dedication is to her husband Jarrod. Also, read the final paragraph of each of her acknowledgement sections at the end of the books. It's for him and it is so lovely and overflowing with love. Stephanie Perkins you are beautiful. 

These books make me realize a lot about myself and my writing. But mostly about love. I have been in love a few times in my life. All consuming love. But I don't think anyone has ever loved me back. I have been loved, I have loved, but never equal amounts simultaneously. These books make me so thrilled to find my one. They excite me and urge me to keep on loving, even when it seems in vain. They show me what that love feels like, that one love that tears you apart easily and carries you to the ends of the Earth. Love shouldn't feel forced. It should click like these characters do, or like Stephanie Perkins with her husband. 

I can't wait to feel that mutual anguish and honesty. I cannot wait for that day when it all clicks. I cannot wait to find my own St. Clair or Cricket. In the mean time, the books will have to do.

Everyone. Go read these books now.

And Stephanie, thanks again for your words. You are truly beautiful.

8.1.13

"August, die she must. The autumn winds blow chilly and cold."

-Simon and Garfunkel,

April Come She Will

I hope August doesn't die too quickly. It's coming in beautifully today though. It's super windy outside and the clouds are holding hands with the trees outside my window. As soon as this post is up, I plan to spend the day curled outside under a tree with a book in hand and a puppy by my side. 

via WeHeartIt

August is shaping up to be a great month already. I'm getting ready to move into my new place which I will be in on September 1st, I start my first real dental assisting job (which is an unpaid internship but.. whatever) on MONDAY! GUYS WHAT. Yesterday was my very last day of school. I cannot believe I did it. In one year I finished a dental assisting program. 

My favorite part of August was always going back to school and sadly this year, I don't get to do that. I have to wait until January until I head back to school to finish my English undergrad but, I'm nothing if not patient. 

I hope you are all as excited about August as I am. I love the fall and I love how August ushers in the fall so gently. We are so close to pumpkin things and cozy sweaters and chilly rain storms. I cannot wait. I'm paralyzed with happiness. 

August always makes me feel nostalgic too. Nostalgic for first days of school and endings of the epic summers of my younger years that weren't so focused on work and adult life. (What even is grocery shopping?) And if you know me, you know I love nostalgia. It's probably my favorite of all emotions. It's warm and also chilly, distant but so close. 

Here's a song I've been listening to on repeat for the past two weeks. It's by a guy named Julian Smith who I have stalked on youtube for years. You may know him for his Malk video, or perhaps Hot Kool Aid? (Personally my favorite video of his is this one right here. This is my theme song.) Anywhhaaaay... he's so cute and so hilarious and also has a beautiful voice. This song is so perfect and nostalgic and beautiful. And I'd marry him tomorrow so. #noshame

Enjoy and happy August, lovelies :)